Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something But I Don't Know How... Part XVII

Dear uni therapist,

I love you so much, and I feel so powerless.

You may not think I notice - and I'm too chicken to bring it up (you'd probably just deny it anyway). When you get too 'gushy' and emotional and open with me, you back off of the out of session contact. It bothers me. You are so consistent with everything that even this is consistent and I wish it was consistent the other way. You let yourself get too close to me. It isn't affecting my therapy, but you did admit it yesterday. I hope it never affects my therapy and we can keep helping me because I am getting better, even if it's at a snails pace while I fall down a ladder...

T, I'm panicking about tomorrow. I don't know how I'm going to look you in the eye. Of all the freaky weird **** I've told you, this is the worst. I know it, and I know you'll think it too.

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Thank you so much for the phone call today. I feel so genuinely happy for the first time in a long time. Hearing your voice and you laugh is amazing. I really love it. I could just listen to you talk forever. Thank you for being there and helping me. I wish you could see how much you have helped and changed my life. I wish you could see how much you mean to me and how amazing you truly are. I love you and I feel so lucky and so blessed to have you in my life. I love the way you make me feel!

Today's session was great, just great. Imagining my inner critic in a room with all the other parts of me was so helpful. It gave me a chance to confront my inner critic with logic and truth and it backed down. I've always allowed it to be the loudest voice, and believed it because it was so authoritative but today the rest of me spoke up

Also - I nearly cried! That's never happened before! I must be starting to trust you

Dear T,

I want to text you just to get your reply and know you're still there. It's not an emergency or anything, but I really miss you and I'm getting nervous that you won't have the cancellation on Friday. I hate feeling like I need you too much. It hurts and scares me.

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T,

Thanks for texting me saying you still care...it helps

Me

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i admit it
i still need you
at least for now
i get so independent
midway between
but then the morning of
i'm back to needing you
again

Tuesday is going to be hard. I hope you'll put up with me a while longer until I get through this.

I think I may be starting to get it, T. A little bit. An eensty teeny bit. Maybe. I hope. I think so. I hope this renewed *make a change* *begin to heal* energy sticks around and I have less crappy days, and more happy days. I'd even be okay with just normal days without feeling one way or another. I'm scared I'm going to start pushing myself again too fast and hard and have a huge crash again, and I can't do that anymore. I can't be in this dark place anymore.

Dear T

I'm not looking forward to tomorrow. I'm not feeling that comfortable with you. Ever since you told me that news. I don't want to see you. Which is a bit weird because I'm a bit angry/disappointed with you because you're going on leave in two months and I'll get a new T, which I HATE. What the point in keeping to see you. You're going to leave me in two months. I still need you as my T. Because of you leaving... I don't know. I just don't feel like seeing you. Like I want to leave you before you'll be leaving me. And I don't think I can deal with seeing you get bigger. Last session I couldn't look at you. I hate you for leaving me in the middle of my treatment.

I just hate T's! I really fon't know if therapy is good or bad for you. It should be good for you, help you. But most of my therapy has made me even worse. And now this with you...

I just want to disappear.

Dear T.
After all the times I thought you would leave, we are still here. I am so grateful I found you! And I feel horrible, meds dismission is a ticket to hell... I'm shaking, sleepy but also hyperactive (!?), have head zaps, horrible
nightmares. I feel so vulnerable and alive, a bunch of overwhelming emotions. But I'm not afraid as long as you are here.
Thank you.

T, this is my own doing because i refused to celebrate my birthday today, but laying in bed with a bottle of bourbon while reading old journal entries is PATHETIC. UGH.

Your voice is amazing to listen to. I could listen to you talk for hours and never get bored. When I hear your voice it makes me so happy and fills me with such comfort and healing. Growing up in an abusive home, terrified of my parents voices really makes me appreciate yours.

Yes, magical is the right word. Putting the lighted candle in it was the perfect touch. I'd looked at the candles, and thought about it, but didn't see the matches so wasn't sure how to light it so wasn't going to bother. You must have seen me looking at them. And THANK YOU for being okay with moving the sand tray to the floor and sitting with me in front of it. That was perfect. Everything about our time today was perfect. Right down to just sitting together each with our own feelings about my poem and not having to dissect it, even though at first that felt a little uncomfortable, I relaxed into it. Thank you.

Dear T,

I'm disappointed that you didn't end up with the cancellation tomorrow... But I'm continuously amazed at how much you seem to really get me and my issues and fears. I am so glad you thought it was a good idea to bring something small to sit on the shelf to replace the jar of sand I'm keeping. It was a huge step for me to ask for that and it blew me away when you acknowledged that. I loved that you even made a little joke about what I might bring! It's good to get a small glimpse of your sense of humor. No 4-feet tall teddy bears. ;-) Every time you understand and respond with such kindness and understanding I'm just amazed and almost in disbelief that it will last. That it's going to go away. It's very confusing and scary because it makes me feel that sense of dependence and love that I really didn't want to feel. But it also scares me because I know you're human and my therapist and you'll never really be able to provide what I didn't get as a little girl. But I hope you'll continue to walk with me through the intense grief I'm feeling. I miss you. Especially when you respond to my feelings the way you always do. I'll see you Monday. An hour won't be enough, but it helps to know I'll be seeing you Wednesday too. Thanks for being so different than my last T. It can feel so unbelievable, but I'm starting to believe it's true.

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I'm so excited to finally see you today!!!!!!!

Dear T

Todays session wasn't really a succes. I already felt anger when I arrived at your office. I wasn't sure if I should stay or go back home. We talked about what to do with therapy when you leave. I didn't feel like talking about that, but whatever, I participated. I don't think there would be a different between a T from your angency or a T from somewhere else. So what if you can give a T from your agency info and advice on my therapy, tell that person what we have done and what not. For me either would be starting over. I don't know that person, it doesn't care if you give her a little bit of background. It's starting over for me.

After that issue I got quiet. I didn't really want to talk to you. I felt anger towards you and also some other feelings. I wanted to leave. I didn't want to be with you. I barely looked at you. I can't look at you. I don't want to see *that*. I wanted to walk out, but I was too scared to do that.
All these thoughts went through my mind and I wanted to speak them out, but I couldn't. I was too scared. I also had written something down, but I was also too scared to start about that. I find it hard to express anger towards people, especially if I like them and if I don't want to lose them.

I left a bit angry. I didn't looked at you. I'm not sure if I said goodbye. You said that I could email you if I want to tell you something I couldn't say today. You said that with such a kind voice. This made me feel guilty and like a *****. You've mostly been a good T to me and I feel like I can't act angry (or something else negative) towards you.

But whatever. It won't bother you. Your almost done with work and then you go home to your boyfriend and daugther. You will have a happy weekend and you don't worry about your clients.
And I'm here alone, feeling miserable

Dear T,

Why did you have to use "those" words. They triggered me.

Dear t: i wonder what you think about the Active that i left with you yest. It's short did u read it yet? I wonder if you understood.

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You didn't reply to my text answering your questions yesterday, so now I feel like I did something wrong.

Dear T
Thank you. You made everything somehow okay.
Red xx