Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something But I Don't Know How... Part XVII

Hi t. I just wrote a poem for you, yes another one what is this #3? (well, it's not done yet, but I got a good start on it tonight) and it's all about answering the question I asked you the other day that you so aptly re-phrased. You'll have to read it though. I don't think I'll be wanting to read it out loud. I'm figuring something out here, t.

Dear T,

I wish you could understand how much your support means to me. I don't know how you do it, but you always manage to know the right things to say and how to help calm my fears and anxieties. They don't go away completely forever, but you help give me confidence and reminders that you'll be here to help me through anything. I can't tell you how much that means to me. I've never felt safer and more understood. I promised myself I wouldn't let myself love you, but I do. You are helping me learn to be kind to myself and express ALL of my emotions. That means everything to me.

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Dear MC,
Thanks for talking to me for so long yesterday. I've listened to your voicemail like three times already today. Hearing your voice and the care and concern in it, along with the lack of judgment, is helping me cope. Wish I could have recorded the whole conversation--well, just your side of it--wouldn't want to hear myself particularly. I hope no matter what happens with H, that you could stay in my life in some way, even if it's just talking to you occasionally...You're awesome.

T,
Thanks for also talking to me yesterday--and for adding a little humor to the situation. I hope you won't be mad if I contact you again today. Just really struggling...You're awesome too!

So t I finished the poem this morning....

*Trigger Warning*

Dear T,

I've almost made it through the weekend without a binge. I threw out my binge foods, and I've taken Klonopin like we discussed. The hardest part was last night. It was really really hard not to binge before I went to bed. That was when I started thinking more about cutting. But I didn't do it. I remembered what we talked about. I ate a few crackers and cheese. I woke up after a few hours and really wanted to eat cereal or french toast or pancakes, but instead I drank some water and ate a banana. That was the best I could do. I really did feel physically hungry. I really am trying. I'm scared though because it's starting to get to the time of day when it gets really hard for me. And I think it'll be even harder tonight because I have to go to work tomorrow. I keep reminding myself that I'll see you tomorrow night, and it'll be good to see you after only a few days. I wish I could see you twice a week every week.

No one is really there. T, you aren't real. Everything is a dream. I'm not a person. I'm a strange being.

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dear t

can i wear a bag over my head on tuesday and it not be weird?

me

dear T
thank you for your support. Thank you (I'm so ashamed).

You make me so angry sometimes. I feel like you don't care anymore

It's hard to believe you dumped me because you found a prettier client to flirt with and you preferred HER. It's hard to believe you are that superficial but....It's such a slap in the face to me that you USED ME to pick her up (as well as befriending others).

So what perks are you getting out of it?? Another baseball game....maybe concert tickets....maybe another woman....all obtained by disgracing and humiliating me.

****TRIGGER WARNING****

Dear T,

I almost made it... I can't sleep and I'm scared and thinking about everything and I'm hurting so much. I had to eat so maybe I can sleep for a few hours. I even took Klonopin earlier and it helped but not a lot and now I'm afraid to take more since I have to be up in 5 hours. I tried to eat just enough. I'm so sorry I failed. I really tried. Please don't think I didn't try. I'm so ashamed I couldn't even make it 3 days. I'm sorry.

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Dear MC,
I'm so so sorry for calling you at 2:45 a.m. I'm hoping your question of "Is this an emergency?" was to figure out if I needed to call 911 rather than "Why the hell are you calling if this isn't an emergency?" But you said in the past that you wouldn't be mad if I called in the middle of the night, so I hope it's the first one. And that's just your standard opening question. I just felt so sh***y and just needed to hear your voice. Part of me wishes we could have talked longer than a couple minutes, but I'm also hoping that you'll be able to fall back to sleep quickly. What you said did help some, and I feel calmer now. I wish I was seeing you tomorrow, our usual day, instead of Wednesday. And that you weren't going to be away next week. But it's probably better that I have a couple days and can see T first. I just need to make it through... But yeah, I'm sorry for waking you. I know you hate being woken up at night. I hope you fall back to sleep quickly and have sweet dreams.

Why did you ruin my relationships with everyone?? Why do I have to pay for YOUR mistake for the REST OF MY LIFE???

Meanwhile you get away with it!!! You get away with ruining MY LIFE.

I had it bad enough don't you think?? Now my life is 10 X worse and what are you doing besides hiding???

How could you do this to me when I was nothing but kind to you???

I tried and I lost. I wanted to make you "see" something that you are blind to. I can admit to failure. Don't know how I'm going to deal with it but I'm leaving PC. You have hurt me more than anyone in my life.

I wish I could call you today. After our session last night, my night got worse. I need a pep talk.

Thank you for being there.

Dear T,
Thanks for the hug today. I was afraid to ask for it, but you gave it willingly and without hesitation, only questioning why I apologized for wanting a hug.

T,

I was telling you about how much I hate myself and you said stop hating my friend sarah. I thought that was sweet, t

Me

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I could really do without the curve balls life throws at me sometimes. It's not like I was asking the earth.

Dear T,

Of course it's "fine" that you have to cancel because you are sick. "Take care of yourself" is my way of saying someone should take care of themselves because I'm two inches from the end of my rope and the only thing I want to take care of is cutting my losses. I really needed to come in and now you're scheduled three weeks out and I don't know if I'll make it that long. Too scared of crisis centers or emergency rooms. If I can't hold life together I want none of it at all. See you in three weeks...hopefully.

I think I am going to want a hug this week. I hope you sense that in case I can't let myself ask for one.

Dear T,

As hard as it is for me to even admit it to myself, I miss you. So much it hurts and makes me so ashamed and scared. I feel so far away from you. I'm holding on to the little jar of sand you're letting me keep for now. It helps, but I still miss you. I hope you get the cancellation on Friday. Waiting until Monday seems so far away. Please don't disappear. This is the scariest stuff I've ever talked about with anyone, so please don't change your mind that everything I feel and say is okay. I was finally able to at least write out more of what I'm thinking in my journal this morning. It's at least out on paper now. That's a step in the right direction, right? But just reading it in my head makes me so ashamed. How am I ever going to speak it out loud? I've decided to try not to deny and stuff my feelings with you. So the truth is that I love you... I love that you care enough about me to want to stay by my side through everything and you're not scared by me and my past. I believe you when you say that. It took me forever and a day and about a million reminders, but I do believe you. So thank you for that. It's something I've never had with anyone before. I hope to see you Friday but if I don't, I'll carry the little jar of sand with me until Monday.

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Dear T and MC,
Thanks for putting up with all my phone calls and texts the past few days. And for supporting me and not judging me (or at least not showing it if you do). You rock.
Love you both,
LT

I chickened out on the homework. I had way more to say about it but today I just told you a small part. "When you're ready, I'll be here" is just what I needed to hear. Thanks.