Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something But I Don't Know How... Part XVII

Can you come stay with me?

Sent from my SM-N920T using Tapatalk

I could have written this about my T.

I wish I could spend one weekend with you.

t,

i am willing to accept that the things i sense about you and come to believe with no facts is made up in my irrational, paranoid head. i hope you aren't too frustrated with me.

me

IDK how you can put up with me.

Why have you not replied to me? Was it something I said?

I was on the phone with my T once, and she was encouraging me to get dressed and go to a practice, and I said "If only you were here, kicking my butt in gear." She replied that she used to ask her T all the time to come and live with her.

dear T

i know ur concerned abt this. but its ok. REALLY!!! its ok. you said you will support me in my recovery no matter what happens today. that meant a lot to me, because... that means youre here for me. for the long haul. whatever it takes... you always have been.

yeh, the stuff i make up about you in my head... about you hating me, etc... its not true. im willing to accept it. and fix it. hopefully

see u tuesday...

me

Dear T,

I wonder if you would:
a. Appreciate (very unlikely I know) or
b. Be annoyed by (much more likely) or
c. Really wouldn't notice or care (moderately likely)

if I start pointing out all the times (which is most of therapy it seems) that you say the following?

1. I'm being judgmental about myself.

2. I'm engaging in 'black-and-white' thinking (I suppose when you're feeling particularly creative, you substitute that with 'all-or-nothing' thinking).

3. I have issues around (take your pick, since you seem to use them largely interchangeably): dependency, trust, trauma, abuse, attachment and inconsistent boundaries.

4. Something holds symbolic meaning for me (which you seem to resort to any time you don't see the point of my kvetching).

Mix and match at frequent intervals each session and repeat ad nauseum.

I suppose it could be much worse....though it would help some if you yourself didn't seem to get bored and irritated as you repeated a version of the above for the nth time.

See you next week....I suppose.

- Awkwardly Yours

T,
I feel so guilty that I lied to you. You said you're not sure if you can trust me anymore. That makes me so sad. I really do tell you the truth about everything except just that one time I lied.
I'm so sad we only have one more month together but I damn near cried when you told me you had an opening so we can have two more sessions instead of just one before you move away.
Love you.

OK then new T. Wonder what this weeks session will be like. Wonder if you have had any thoughts about what I asked you. Think it might be just you and me now. Hope you are up for it and will be willing to come and find me because I am not so sure about this anymore. Can't I just hide away forever and ever?

T, I don't understand how I feel about you lately. I feel like I love you. But then I think about that mirror thing you said you do, and then I think about projections and transference, and how I don't really know 'you-you' at all, I know only the you that you choose to show me in our sessions, and and and it's so limiting, just having you in that 50 minute block, but my feelings exist outside of that block of time too, and it's so confusing. I feel like I'm a little kid.

Oh, and I seriously doubt you are going to reply to the email I sent you this evening. I really want you to of course. But I don't think you will, and so I won't expect it. But gol dang it t, I really wish I could understand these feelings I have for you.

So apparently H is forgiving of what happened in january,. I so don't deserve that...

........

Sent from my SM-N920T using Tapatalk

Did you ever get the feeling that someone has been in your apartment snooping around with NO RIGHT TO!!!!!

No RIGHT TO and yet they GET AWAY with violating my privacy!!!!

I have been EXPLOITED beyond reason and let me tell you this I will _____ ___________ ____ _____ __________ _____ _______ ___ _____.

Hope you have a lousy miserable life.

Dear MC,
If you were my husband, would you have forgiven me? I'm just curious. You seem like a very forgiving person, but maybe that's just with your clients. And your kids.

I've had a busy and draining weekend and I wish I could see you sooner.

Thank you for your reply. I am grateful.

Sent from my SM-T550 using Tapatalk

T,
I've thought a little bit about what happened on Friday and I've decided that I wish you would have been more understanding when I told you I lied because I was scared, but I'm also trying to be more understanding that I have to be truthful to you so you can help me.
I'm sorry I broke your trust. I hope you can forgive me

T,

I want u to fly here on a magic carpet and rescue me and take me to safety.

Get me out of here!!!!

Me

Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk

T, I know I told you the other day about h's new stomach medication. But I don't think I told you how much it costs. That's the reason why I can't come weekly again right now even if I want to. It was $665 for a 90 day supply!! Eek! So that's why I said 2 weeks when we were scheduling. I hate having to talk money with you. I hate it so much. Because it reminds me of the one rupture we had that was sort of about money. I wish I could quit being such a wuss and just start paying with my credit card, and come weekly whenever I need to, and just every time I get paid, send the amount I put to my therapy account to my credit card. But hubby would see my bill and freak out and accuse me of hiding things from him again. Sigh.

T,

Our session is gonna be a roller coaster if we end up talking about my sorority. I may actually cry. Prepare those tissues for Tuesday.

Call me when/if you ever grow up. I'd like to have an adult conversation with you but I know you couldn't handle it now.

8 Sleeps. Yes, that's right, I am counting. How will I count when it comes time to end. I told you I missed you and I meant it but maybe it is for the best. Maybe it isn't. How will I ever know because once again something good is taken away. How can I not feel that it is my fault. How can I not feel like a failure, like I am too much. Oh T it is all too much to think about.