Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something But I Don't Know How... Part XVII

I am such a freakshow. I don't want that freak-showiness normalised, I want it gone. Please can we just start working on it properly?

So , Mum , its three years ago today that you passed. And I don't know what I'm feeling. Maybe its all caught up with me. You weren't really a " Mother" at all. I know you were ill... but... Ugh , I don't know

T-

I think at the end of session, when I said I feel like you think I am a bad person.. What I really meant, was that I am worried that you are disappointed in me. Not just disappointed about what I did, but overall. It feels out of place, or weird to be worried that you are disappointed in me. Maybe, because I come to think of you as a mentor- I hesitate to say a dad figure. And I don't want to disappoint you. T, I am trying.

Healed

T,

Do you really accept me? As me being a non heterosexual?

I know you said that recruiting you as an ally wouldn't help me accept myself, but I disagree...

Dear T,

I just made a HUGE step toward my therapy goals, coincidentally something which you've encouraged me to do for years, and I only had the opportunity and courage last week. How come you are more interested in restating my objectives in detail and talking about them than you are interested in my big success? How come you're not willing to make a bit of an adjustment in the schedule of our weekly sessions to help me sustain the change? You promised you would make adjustments if I needed it in order to do this. I feel like you are now walking in a different direction than me, even though you claim to care about my objectives.

I never told you about how I compromised my well-being and health in my late teens to please an ex boyfriend, even though I knew what I was doing would do me more harm than good. I find myself thinking of doing this again - this is such an important and healing and necessary opportunity for me, and I find myself almost willing to miss it just to keep seeing you. I want to stop myself from doing that this time around though. I love you as the striving human being you are and I will always be grateful for all your help in the past, but overall this isn't therapy anymore. How come you're not seeing this, even with all the supervision and continued training? This is discouraging on so many levels ...

Will I have the courage and self-respect and confidence to leave, if it comes to either staying with you or making a decent life for myself? Therapy should not imply such a choice. Therapy is about working together toward building a good life for oneself.

I'm thinking about you a lot this week.I think it's because of the brief mention of preverbal trauma towards the end of last session. Like you are my safe person and I have to go back to you in my mind whenever I think about it. Which has been a lot. I've also had lots of dreams which I think represent aspects of it. Our session can't come soon enough.

Dear T,

Having the extra sessions has punched a good sized hole into my depression but it also has had the other side effect of my feeling dependent on you again. This week we will drop back to the 1 session and I already miss you. I hate that, I hate being vulnerable, I hate feeling needy and I hate how you invade my thoughts and dreams. You're my therapist but you're roles have changed in my head. Sometimes you are the parent I didn't have or in my case the parents I didn't have. I want you to notice me, to love me to wrap me up into you so I can escape for more than an hour a week. What would be enough? When do I stop wanting that?

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16 sleeps. Almost half way. What will you think about the fact that I don't want to see the lady I was seeing but that I think I have found someone else, someone more reassuring, someone warmer. Is that the right thing for me? It feels like it but I am so unsure about it all. I still want you, but that isn't an option, is it. Miss you.

T,

Umm ya. I feel weird

Just me

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Dear MC,
I need you right now...H is being really sh**ty, and I just need you. I'll just listen to your voicemail from a couple months ago (is it pathetic that I saved that?)...that will help me get through until our session tomorrow...

T, I've made so much progress. I really thought I had this thing beat. Then the past few days I've started to feel pulled towards her. I feel so yucky and angry at myself. Hopefully when I see her again tomorrow I will get a reality check. You really did help me.

T,
Only five more days until I get to see you again. It's been way too long since our last session. I hate that I can't see you as often as I need to.
I can feel the hypomania kicking back in... I'm not sleeping anymore. I stop taking my meds. Will you help me on Friday? Will you talk to my pdoc so we can get this diagnosis hammered out?
I miss you. I hope you think of me sometimes but I know you probably don't.

I'm sorry I texted you. I am an annoyance. I don't understand how you can be so patient when I forget the rules and you have to go over them again. Still, only 20 days to go. I keep trying.

You told me you had a good T but I'm beginning to wonder. Have you been devoting enough time to seeing your T ? If not, you may want to get yourself some extra appointments. Maybe your own T is ready to give up on you? Is that it ? I hope not.

You're not here and I need you so badly. I hate that I need you but I do. Who am I supposed to turn to when I feel like this, like there is no point. I am trying, I really am but it makes me feel like a failure in life. I just don't know why I bother. It hurts. Why can't I just disappear. Who would care, really? Putting myself out there in the world is a big mistake, it just makes it all worse and then I am supposed to just cope! Well I will survive but what life is it when that is all there is. I love you and I hate you. I need you and I don't want you. I have no idea where my head is right now and I am hurting and you aren't here.

Yesterday's session was wonderful. You looked so in tuned with me, so concerned. I don't think I have ever seen you look so connected to me. I have never been able to see you actually connected. I often wonder what my life would have been like if I had that for my whole life. I am so glad I have had that with you. Thank you for all that you have given me. I am so lucky to have had you as a therapist for so long. I love the way you rub my arm as I am leaving after we hug. Your touch is so healing and I am glad you know that.

T,
I can't help but get a little jealous when I read about other people's relationships with their T's in this thread. Why don't you let me email you between sessions? Especially since we have to go abnormally long between sessions? It would really help me to be able to talk to you, even just a little bit in an email. I wish you would let me hug you. I know T's have to have boundaries, but other T's hug their clients. I respect your boundaries but I hope you know sometimes a hug would make me feel better.
Only four more days until I get to see you. I have so much to tell you. Miss you lots. Hope you're well.

T,

Sometimes I really don't understand you...

Me

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I'm counting down the days until we reunite. To be honest, I'm scared. But right now the joy outweighs the fear...

Dear T,
I think I need to tell you about something I did when I see you. I'm nervous and scared though. I don't think you'd judge me, but I judge myself and I feel ashamed and bad. I hope this doesn't make you think less of me.

So glad I'm seeing you tomorrow. If feels like so long since I've seen you. So much to talk about. I'm nervous but happy.

t,

i started working on my collage today. im kinda excited to work on it tomorrow on my day off. you confused me today... i still dont get it. im not sure whats happening or if what i am sensing is real... or if ill even bring it up.

me

dear T
there was rioting on the bus which caused me to lose control. Hope you are not upset. Most of all I hope you understand just a little...

I am soo grateful you are my T.

T,

Your friends are so very lucky. I wish I didn't yearn to be your friend. I know I bring nothing of value to a friendship and am too unworthy.