Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something But I Don't Know How... Part XVII

T...

What would you know about loneliness?

How easy for you to suggest solace vs loneliness... you who have loving family, and never lacked for close friends growing up.

What would you know?

I'm going to miss you today. I hope you're having a good day/week/whatever off until I see you next.

It was good to have you unexpectedly pop up in my inbox today, even if you were just telling me you'd resolved the administrative issue I raised last week. Still good to hear from you.

Hey t. Next time i will be heading straight for the sand tray. I may not remember to say hello first. I felt about 2 the other day. That age doesn't know about politeness.

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Dear T. It's been a year since we said goodbye. Even though I'm back in therapy with you, I still feel sad about it. I'm thinking a lot about that last session. It was so intense and emotional and full of love. That's something I'll never forget.

Hey T. Getting some tonight. Not sure why.

Dear MC,
I'm not sure what made me completely melt down and start sobbing at the end of session today. I know I was talking about meds and being scared to take a certain one at the time, but that's probably not what the tears were about. It may have been partly about the discussion we had about sex* and feeling vulnerable and stuff like that. It may have been stuff about my daughter. It may have just been that I'm really stressed and you make me feel safe, and I was sad I had to leave that safe space in a few minutes. And I wish I could have just cried in your arms. I know, that's what my H is for, but still wish I could do that with you. Ending felt a little abrupt, but your next client had arrived, and we were already a few minutes over, and of course I couldn't just sit in your office all afternoon...

t,

i texted to see if you are alive. you said you were dead. i was glad to see your text... i said k great see u tomorrow. you said no. im a ghost. it made me laugh but then i thought- one day you will die and i wont be laughing then

F DEATH!!! im so scared of it... not my own. but people i love. the loss... its so difficult!

me

dear t: i wrote 2 more poems last night. nothing today. but i got the idea, to try doing an Active into the feelings I had the other day in your office when i was feeling like a little child and tried to run out of there. if i can do a dream re-entry, why not a feelings re-entry? i'm gonna go for it. not tonight though. I'm going to bed early. i hate spring colds.

but, i love you.



(i need an emoji for "i surrender" ha!)

i feel kinda bad that i couldn't wait to get out of there. that's such a rare thing to happen. usually i don't want to leave. it's just that i felt so young, so helpless, so exposed, so raw...

This time next week I will just be leaving after seeing you. Wondering where you are, if you have had a good time, if your daughter enjoyed seeing you. Trying not to think about that bit too much. I am sure you told her that you love her. Why was my Mum never able to say that to me, why the silence. I will never know, it is all too late. Oh how I hate this rollercoaster.

I hope you lose all your clients and your license. In that order.

You have caused me more pain than anyone and the agony continues.....

MC,
I'm probably crazy for actually sending you a slightly edited version of this, plus some other stuff. But the other stuff was trying to turn it into a therapeutic thing, like about why I feel so safe with you but not with H and that maybe that's something we could work on in sessions. I'm still nervous about a couple things I said in the e-mail. I hope you respond with something within the next few days. Even if it's just a sentence or two.

Three hours- urgh, I feel so so nauseous. More than normal.

I've had such a good week. Everything has changed. I know you'll see that, and so even on a stunning evening like tonight, I would rather eat my own big toe than see you. And climb those s0dding mountains. Again.

T - You were so perfect yesterday. Can't wait to see you again next week.

T
I AM NOT ON DRUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

me

I just wrote another one. I will keep on with them. Thank you for not being hurt.

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Last session you were 30 minutes late. Then you walked out with a new client, she was pretty and you were redfaced. I hate that I noticed and read into it. For a fleeting moment I was thinking that you wouldn't be so late if I were prettier or more interesting. I had a hard time concentrating, I wasted my time being petty.

life is a beautiful lie

Dear T,
I appreciated it today when you said you felt bad for me for feeling a certain way. And then you looked on the verge of tears when I was talking about some other stuff. I know you care, but it's also nice to really see and feel it. Thanks for being there.

T, thank you for today, you were the good t and the good mother and I really appreciated that today of all days

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Old T - Thank you so much for emailing me telling me that you got back OK and that we can talk about what I wanted to on Tuesday when we meet. The time you have is an hour later than the time I have. Not sure whether to query it or whether I should just wait in the car park an hour early and see what happens. Might give you another email later in the week.

Middle T - thanks for suggesting I don't make another appointment. Thanks for being patient too but I just can't see how we can work together when I feel like you are a million miles away even after discussing it. Your response to my 'why' question surprised me too. I get that as a T you are going to get some self satisfaction from caring but I honestly thought you might have given some reasons that involved the client such as 'to see you happier', 'because you deserve better', 'because you are a good person'. I don't know. But I think I have decided I could just as easily check £50 in the bin and sit in my own head in the comfort of my own home.

New T - looking forward to Thursday. Wrote you an email today but I don't think I will send it. Waiting for you to talk to me about out of session contact as we agreed we would. I wonder what your thoughts have been. I hope I can at least tell you about last Monday and why I really think it would help me to have someone I can reach out to. Never have before but have been learning to with old T and want to continue that work. I want to tell you about how I struggle to interact and understand people when they are in front of me. Why I think I can I do it at work but nowhere else. How I feel like an alien on this planet. I hope you can help me to learn about myself and about feelings. I wonder if we will be in your 'shed' this week or if it is still being done. I am intrigued to see it. I might even ask you if I can see it if it isn't done yet. I liked what you said about the fact that you wanted to work with my heart. I hope my heart wants to work with you too.

To work with the heart.....

Why do you keep saying I'm not bad? Why are you so nice to me? I don't understand.

The last 2 sessions I was in a hurry to get outta there. So weird. So not me. I don't understand any of this. I usually don't want to leave. I feel another poem coming on. I feeeeeel entirely too much, t.

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I really just want to be in your room with you and crawl in your lap and let you stroke my hair....please.