Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something But I Don't Know How... Part XVII

I just sent you the longest f'ing email. Will you cut me off now?

Are you going to forget me today? Or call and not actually talk? I feel like such a loser waiting for you. Please get it over with soon.

T,

I was able to stand up to my mother because of your help. If it wasn't for you, it would be really right now. Thank you.

I wonder why some people believe they are entitled to privacy but will freely take it away from others? No prob.

Tell me WHY is that?

Dear T,
Thanks for calling me back after my text last night. I wasn't sure that it was urgent enough to warrant a 6 pm Friday call, but I know you prefer talking to texting. Talking to you really helped. And you even managed to give me a little insight into your parents, which you haven't really done before. So thanks. And I hope you still had time to get ready before your friends came over!
--LT

I wonder why the people I know have not reported you to the authorities yet? You have been getting away with ________and exploitation for way too long.

I just drove through your village. Silently hoped see you out and about. Didn't of course.

Dear uni therapist,

I have mixed feelings about Easter break. On the one hand, I get to go home to Norway, see my family, our dog (who is the best) and all the cats, and my pony. On the other hand, I won't see you for three weeks. Expect emails with pictures of my pony adventures. Especially since you asked me for pictures. At some point I would like to hear more about you and your horse that you had when you were younger, I love talking to you about these things. I love how we have so many things in common.

Thank you for your patience yesterday when I had yet another negative reaction to thinking about my coursework. You must feel like you are getting nowhere with me, and I'm really sorry about that. You are right, just a few words from you and I go back to when I was growing up and my dad was getting all worked up about my homework. You seem to really get it, how severely it impacted me. I especially go back to that one evening when I was ten, when he was shouting at me and physically shaking me for at least two hours because I didn't understand what he was trying to explain to me. His explanations were always too advanced for me, which he never seemed to get, and I ended up sobbing through most of it. At one point he started to threaten to throw me out of the house and make me run five times around the farm, because MAYBE THAT WOULD CLEAR MY HEAD AND I'D FINALLY UNDERSTAND. It was 10pm by then. Your reaction when I reenacted that whole thing was striking. It felt very validating. Thank you. You are the best and I love you.

Three weeks. I already miss you so much. And I feel really pathetic and ridiculous about it.

T,

Only 2 sessions left. It keeps coming back to me. Actually I can't really stop thinkinh about it. Two weeks and then you're gone for about 5 months. 5 months with no contact from you. You'll be fine. I'm just a client. I'm just work. But for me it's different. I'm telling you things I've never told anyone before. And I was slowly making some progress. And now I have to start over with a new T. It doesn't matter that it doesn't seem like she's a *****. I want you. I want you as my T. I chose you. The thought of going through months and months without any contact of you... It hurts so much. I can't go on without you, not yet. I'm not ready for it.
I'm crying. I'm hurting. I can't concentrate on my study. I'm scared. Lost. Hopeless. I hate my life.

I shouldn't have never gone back to therapy. I never learn. I'm always so stupid. In the end it will only give me pain/worries/anxiety. Bad T or good T, it always ends bad for me.

I justhad to say that reminded me of that Wurzels song "I Drove My Tractor through your haystack"

I dont know you outside of therapy. But I was lucky enough to come across you professionally at least. I realize I needed an excellent, but genuine T and I wrote so many times about changing T but in the end you never left me, it's always my mind tricking me. And you were closer than ever when you were supposed to be off instead. Then I knew you won't leave but you'll be there, as long as I need you. I no longer feel like I'm something to get rid of, at least in one place in the world. I will probably never be ok. I'm borderline according to the pdocs and this hit me as I seem to get worse at times. Except that after thinking about it I turned back and saw what I/we did. I came in that day and said, I'm Ambra, I'm bulimic and I can't stop. I throw up all the time and I feel like I'm gonna die. Now I like food again, I'm a bit more confident. I still have problems with anger and abandonment but I'm sure you'll help me get better and I decided I don't fear my demons so much, because I have you and - as you wrote me - one thing at a time, and we'll go through this too. I don't wanna be you favourite client or whatever but it's so heart-warming that sometimes you wonder how I'm doing and you let me know it. It's something new and so special.
I've never experienced abandonment from you in the end. I have to thank T1 for abandoning me then, otherwise I wouldn'have bumped into you. Plus I had the privilege to "see" you growing as a therapist too and see small (biiig for you!) changes, your pregnancy, tireness, jokes and so on. We are both quite young and sort of grew up together a little but in this unique bond and this makes me feel so good. Accepted. Taken care of. Not rejected, finally, for the first time. I will never switch to another T, I already know. Unless we become friends. But right now I need a very good, genuine, committed professional to walk on my side for another while.

T,

Someone needs to kill me right now. I **** everything up. Please just let me die in my sleep or SOMETHING. I can't ****ing believe this. What the ****. For real please someone ****ing kill me.

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t, thank you so much for lending me this book. I got to read for several hours today and so much in it just resonates with me so strongly. I want to read until I'm done, but at the same time I don't, because I don't want it to end!! I have a feeling you knew how I was going to react to this, didn't you? Looking forward to talking about it hopefully next weekend.

I know people are not supposed to respond to these but I can relate all to well with everything you have wrote here and even more so with the part I bolded. I feel for you, I really do and I am sorry. Therapist's don't get the effect they have on people.

Deat T
I survived like 5 months of you being away, I'm sure I can survive 2 weeks yeah? Yeah. I mean. I should be. I can. I have to. Ugh.

Do you like football?

Are you gay?

Then why expect me to follow the either/ or stereotype?! Im the same person you always knew.

T,

Feeling better today. Sorry for freaking out. I broke her laptop ND felt super upset. But she understands it as an accident. I just have to find money to pay for the repair...plus repair my laptop. Can u believe that I broke mine...borrowed hers..and broke hers. Like wtf life? ?????

Me

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T,

Thank you for being genuine. I know I'm just one client, but you do care for your clients.

Maybe in time I'll stop hoping to be more than just a client?

Hey t. So I sent you the poem I finished today, and the dream from Friday night that felt so horrible upon waking. And said when I want to schedule next. Hoping you can. Hope your training is going well.

You chose to support someone else, you chose to impress her, you chose to mock me and make a fool of me. YOU made these choices. I would never have done that to you. I suppose it was easier to do than to actually try to help me. I was wrong to seek help from you.

Have you been able to leave this t yet?

Dear T,
I really felt that connection with you this week again. It was really nice to see you vulnerable and it gave me some insight as to why you can be so harsh sometimes. You haven't had it easy lately. I can handle your harshness but I worry about your other clients, I have worked through most of my issues and am not as vulnerable as I used to be. I hope now that your period of stress and worry is over that you can contain your own emotions whilst you are with clients. T, I know you mean well but your words can cut like a knife. I had an opportunity to report you this week but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I think that you sometimes get too close and are too invested in me and my progress and think that you can push me more than I am comfortable with. I like that you care about me and tell me that but please think about what you are saying sometimes before you speak.

t,

things are better...the laptop is working. i ate food. i am ok with that. see you on tuesday

me

hey again t. thanks for answering my email & scheduling for saturday. and for saying you love my poem.

Bit of an odd one today T? I don't know how I feel about sessions like those?