Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something But I Don't Know How... Part XVII

Dear uni therapist and private therapist,

I feel so alone at the moment, like no one cares about me, but then I also feel like I have no right to be sad about it because of course no one cares about me. It's been nearly two weeks since I've heard from my parents. My friends don't have time for me anymore. I think about talking to my sisters sometimes, but I just find it so hard to connect with them. I don't know how to talk to either of you about this, because private therapist, you'll probably feel sorry for me which I don't want, and uni therapist, you'll be frustrated, which I can't handle right now. You both mean well, I know that, but I'm just tired and sad right now, and I haven't been sleeping properly for weeks, and the mental health team aren't giving me an appointment because I'm obviously unimportant.

I don't want to say any of this because I can hear how pathetic it sounds. I don't want to be so pitiful. But I can't do anything. I have to just avoid life, because at least if I avoid life I don't get so depressed that all I want is to die. I'm just a failure. That's all I am. And it's never going to change.

T,
I'm soooo happy we get to have one extra session before you move, but I'm also getting sadder and sadder each day we get closer to our last session. I want to move to wherever you are going so I can keep working with you. I'm so scared my next T won't be as good as you.

I love those sessions where I come out feeling so much more positive than when I went in. Thank you for not judging me for the things I judge myself for.

Dear T,

Just when I had myself convinced you weren't going to write back, and even though logically I knew it was most likely because you were busy, emotionally I was waiting for the "talk" next week-you wrote back. And said you weren't giving up. Sigh.

Dear MC,
Thanks for the thoughtful response. It was nice that you said you appreciated my sharing that with you. Especially since I felt weird about some of it, particularly the part about wishing I could cry in your arms. And the fact that I saved your voicemail message from January and listen to it sometimes when I'm feeling sad or lonely.

I'm glad you think my ideas about "safe spaces" make sense and that you agree that I should discuss it with H (enough to put one word in all caps and use exclamation points even!). I assume it's OK to do that in your office--since it would be nice to be in a safe space while talking about safe spaces...plus I know it bothers H that I'm more easily comforted/calmed by you than by him... But yeah, thanks.

I've just realised it's the anniversary of my abuser's death. Wish I'd've realised that earlier when I was in session with you.

t,

i ate food . i felt bad........ i threw it up.

now i feel worse!!!!!

why am i so obsessed with destroying myself and everything ive worked for???

sabotageeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

oh you feel good? here lets think about things that make u feel bad. lets do things that put you in bad situations. lets take drugs and restrict eating and purge. you need to go back to square one. cuz thats where you belong.

sometimes i think, wow!!! i never thought i would stay in school this long, make good grades, have a job for over 2 years and even be PROMOTED!!!!

then its like this THING is like NOPE you cant have any of that. and heres why:

you killed your dad
you were so bad your mom had to send you away to be abused.
you come back and seduce some man thats just trying to help you and ruin his life and career and family

and im just like... oh.... oh yeah.... ok

*self destruct*

...me

I tried to write the feelings down in a letter to you. I read it back and it sounded like a weak-mind idiot had written those words and I am so ashamed of the whole thing I ripped it up.

That last text was really unreasonable. The point was to avoid doing what you suggested.

Dear T: I am sorry I texted you today. I am sorry for bothering you so much. Please don't be so nice and say I'm not bugging you. I know I am. But I can't stop myself. I can't stand these feelings. I know that going through this process is a commitment. I feel like on the one hand, that I have been very committed. But I also on the other hand feel like I have disappointed you and it makes me want to cry because I cannot realistically afford to come weekly all the time. I've just never felt feelings like these before and I am so confused and I am worried that you are mad at me and I have that feeling in my tummy like I did when we had that one rupture a couple or so years ago. When I get there on Saturday I am not sure I will be able to look you in the eye. I can see it now. Walking from my car I will find my shoes to be the most fascinating thing I have ever seen and will look at them the whole way to your door and to the couch. I am already afraid to look at you. You hate me now, don't you. Admit it. You're going to say you can't work with me anymore and try to dump me off on someone else. Oh please don't do that t. I can't start over. I can't. I won't. I was doing SO WELL and now I have devolved into the pathetic creature that texted you today. I am sorry, t. So sorry. You deserve better than me in a client. I hope my coworker called you. She can replace me.

And yet t I still have faith in you that you will get me through this.

Sent from my SM-T550 using Tapatalk

I miss you.
I miss the you from last Sept.
You're not leaving me.
You truly care.
I know this.
I wish I could spend more time with you than I do.

Sent from my SM-N920T using Tapatalk

just answer the darn text. i know it has been a high texting day. i need you to set a limit on whst i write or else i will write about my feelings around food and other things.

Sent from my GT-S6500T using Tapatalk 2

Hey T,

Our session was pretty intense. I finally cried (cue awkward laugh) in your sessions with me. Thank you for being there for me.

I am really sorry to have been a pain in the arse with all the text today. I won't bother you again ever.

You know you don't deserve to still be in practice. You are hurting other people at this very moment because of your incompetence and self-centeredness. Just like you hurt me. You are miserable. You won't even get help for yourself unless you already tried and they gave up on you. Is that it? Did your T give up on you? Did your T announce to the whole building your "problems" with _________and warn everyone to stay away?

When the industry finds out what you have done, you will be a has been.

T. I'm hurting. A lot. And I'm feeing very scared but not sure why. And I have no idea how to tell you this.

T, I sure hope our session next week goes as well as it did this week. I really need you to be on top of your game for me right now.

I can't stand the thought of you being mad at me.

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Dear uni therapist,

I really need to see you tomorrow. I had an appointment with a GP today, who called the mental health team for me, and asked them to call me later in the day. They did, but only to tell me that the assessment team has not forwarded my referral to THEM, but to the primary care team instead. Apparently the assessment team has decided that I don't need to be seen by a psychiatrist, and the primary care team has ignored two referrals so far. So I have waited three months just to be told that nothing is being done. Nothing. I don't need to see a psychiatrist? I don't even understand that. I am a patient with bipolar disorder who has been having mood swings since last summer and I clearly need to have my medication reviewed by a specialist, not the primary care team.

When the phone call ended I felt so defeated and so unimportant that I just burst into tears and sobbed for twenty minutes. I haven't slept properly for two days, either. I look physically ill. My eyes hurt. I feel like just giving up, because no one seems to care anyway. I really wanted to call you earlier, I was so upset, but I managed to go to sleep instead. Slept for about an hour. Still have a vile headache.

So I really need you to be there tomorrow. If for some reason you have to cancel, I just don't know what to do with myself. It's not like you cancel sessions very often or anything, so I'm not sure why I'm worried that you will, but I know that I will not stop worrying until I see you sitting in that room. I need you too much, don't I? I shouldn't need you this much. I hate that I do.

T, T, T! T! T, T, T, T! T! T! T!
Hi

You are amazing.
I love you.
I'm glad you said you'd be honored to be the mother I don't have.
Doesn't mean I love my mom less just nice to have you in my life and that you'll always be there.
No matter.

You have helped fill a hole in my heart even though somethings are still hard to process and understand you will be blunt and you will show tough love but you'll always be honest and caring with me.

I'm thankful that you are there for me.
I'm glad I walked into your office.
I don't know where I would be if I hadn't.

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Ugh, T. STOP.BEING.SO.NICE.TO.ME.

Thanks.

T,

Is it next week yet? Life sucks and I need your help.

New T, I wanted to and didn't want to email you at the same time so I did. I hope you don't mind even though we agreed it was ok as we set the boundaries yesterday. You said that coming to see you showed courage but sending that email took more for some reason. What do I think of text? I can't answer that question fully to you yet because I wish you would send me one every now and again to tell me you are thinking of me but I know our relationship is not at that point yet. I thought about sending you one to tell you I had emailed you but that's not what we agreed and it was no way important enough for a phone call, just some thoughts on the session. I hope that you will be open to discussing this to see how it is going and I hope to hear from you today.