Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something But I Don't Know How... Part XVII

WV t,
I wish you were still my t.

Dear sweet T,

How is it so easy for you to be nice to me?

I want to tell you that I love you everyday, but I don't.

You've shown me more love in an hour a week than my family ever could, just by talking to me.

Dear T,

Why do I hate it so much when you're right?

MP

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You had some ____ nerve to insinuate yourself into my community behind my back !! YOU corrupted everyone around me with lies thanks to your gossip feeder. Do you know how hard it is NOW to walk the streets and run into these people???

Have you EVER FELT EMBARRASSED??? No?? One day it may happen. Then remember what YOU DID TO ME !!

You are one MISERABLE, LOUSY, excuse for a therapist!! I would never refer anyone to you even if I hated them.

Hey T,

I'm afraid to cry in therapy even though I know you won't judge me. I trust you, believe me, but I can't not hold back.

I can't believe I had THAT conversation with you, and without even being nervous or embarrassed. And you understood what I was getting at and didn't bat an eyelid. I'm lucky to have you.

T-thank you for calling me back so quickly today. I needed to talk to you because I knew it would calm me down. I still not sure I can handle not drinking for a month, but with your help, I hope I can.

I miss you. I know it was me who wanted this break. But, I miss you. I miss "us".

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And (insert facepalm here) why'd i send you that email the other day anyway?? Doh.

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That wasn't exactly bending the texting rules, right? Maybe it was. It wasn't exactly a straight foward scheduling text either. I know this will be a discussion next time.

Dear private therapist,

I'm so sorry I made you cry again, it made me feel terrible. It's always so unexpected when things about my life make other people upset and sad, it really hits me, because I'm so used to these things. I'm used to my father's criticism, and his insensitive statements. Not only have I heard them a hundred times before, but I have felt them in the way he behaves towards me. I guess I am numb to them, in a way. I've had to be, or I wouldn't have survived it. But I am wondering if I need to start recognising how hurtful the things he says actually are, and respond accordingly, rather than responding in my usual sarcastic manner. Sarcasm is now my default response to hurtful things. So when something my dad said to me makes you cry, I am reminded of just how much I have shut down emotionally.

I don't think this defence mechanism is useful for me anymore. I basically just accept abuse like it's normal, and I internalise it and use it to abuse myself. How do I stop doing that? How can I change? How can I feel like normal people?

T,

I feel pretty alone.

Me

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i think i begin to understand.

Thanks for listening while I disclosed to you today, and for being gentle and understanding how hard it was for me. .

Thanks for not thinking I'm gross or unhelp-able.

Thanks for letting me stay over my time so I felt safe and calm enough to leave.

Thanks for caring as much as you do.

Dear T,
Thank you for finally listening. I hope we can stop fighting. Yesterday when I left it was the first time I left your office feeling ok. I felt better than ok, I felt oddly good. It only took a year. I'm glad we both knew the enemy wasn't each other. I can't imagine how long it would have taken if we weren't so patient and tried so hard. I hope we can talk for real now. I've waited a long time.

Maybe I don't want to be better yet.
Maybe I'm terrified of it.
Maybe I don't know how.
Maybe I'll be this sick forever.
Maybe you'll give up on me.
Maybe you'll pull away more.
Maybe I shouldn't come anymore.

T,

You see back to back patients. I forgot to give you my letter. I doubt you read them anyway. It's more work for you. I doubt you care.

Thank you for holding my hand.

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I saw you come out of your office with the client before me and you walked torwards the other door and chatted with her and so my session was late. I could see something was wrong with them and when you walked back to get me I saw your face. You looked so upset. I am amazed at how you were fine when you sat down in your chair and you were so focused on me. I need to master that skill. Thank you for not letting someone else's issues ruin my session.

T,

I know you want me to quit my sorority, I know how much you care about me and you're hurting as I'm hurting. You know how much they hurt me and make me want to cry. But I hope you don't think I'm crazy for staying strictly to help other sisters who are having similar problems like me. I don't want them to suffer for three years like I did. I have one more semester with them to help anyone. I hope you understand. (actually might end up telling her this)

I've found an hour long online interview with you. It's the one thing I'm not sure I can tell you (even though I keep watching bits when I need comfort). I already told you I randomly came across a short video of you on YouTube (finding that wasn't quite as random as I made out) so if I tell you about this one it's going to sound like more than a coincidence. I don't want you to be uncomfortable with me watching it. It's the only thing I feel like I can't tell you and I'm not sure I like it.

Is it your expert opinion that the way to solve a problem is to ignore "it" ?

Or, should we interview a cast of characters to create a show and applaud you as the director? Where are we going to get the audience?

I hope you are having a good holiday. Wish you were here though. I also wish I had asked you when your flight home was, just so I knew. Wonder when you will get my email and if you will reply if you get home a couple if days before our session. Not knowing isn't easy. See you in 10 days.

Dear uni therapist,

It makes me really sad when you describe the way you treat your children, how you make them feel loved and appreciated, the fact that you regularly tell them that you are proud of them. I know you are telling me about it as an example of what good parenting looks like, but it's also a painful reminder of what I will never have. I will never hear any of the things you say to your children. No one ever says those things to me, and no one ever will. So while you mean well, it does feel sort of like, "Here's something you can't have!" And it makes me want to cry.

ok t so i've had 3 weeks to think and write and work with my own dreams. it's been a really productive break. i think it's good that we scheduled for tomorrow, because if i'd left it open-ended, it might be awhile before you heard from me again. i might have tried to pull a fade-away on you. i don't want to do that though. i respect both you and the work we have done together too much to do that. i'm sticking this thing out as it takes through a proper termination.