Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something But I Don't Know How... Part XVII

Hope your gf sees my post about your lying habits. Do you think she's on to you yet? Better get going with more lies to "fix" things.

If I can't do this with you I am still not sure that I want to do it with anyone else. I am still holding on to the glimmer of hope that you will say you can still work with me. Denial? Definitely. Why can't I just accept this? Because it is going to hurt really badly. I miss you. I need you. I hate the system. I don't want to lose you.

You do know what I need.
Even if it's not what I want.
After the fact I realize this.
In the moment I severely dislike you.

The problem with writing a poem every day this month, is that I keep writing them about therapy and about how I feel like it's time to start talking endings even though I really don't wanna. I mean come on. You're going to be 66 next month. You're going to retire at some point, I assume. Maybe not right away, but at some point, you will want to. Also I mean for heaven's sake, therapy was never supposed to be forever anyway! It's been 4.5 years. 4.5 years!! How did that even happen?! And yet it's like you've become a part of me, so how am I supposed to just let you go?! Yes I have found much healing in this relationship. But damn it all, I continue to hate it for what it's not. You're always on about how it doesn't work without the love. But it's a peculiar kind of love, it's a finite love that exists in a stupid bubble of the therapy space and that just frankly sucks. So why is it even allowed to be called any kind of love?! I protest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know it's all been to help me learn how to love myself - I f'ing get that - but. Still. Whatever. I guess I just need to figure out how to smoosh the love I feel for you down into that same magic little bubble so it only exists for me too when I have a session. Then I will be able to say goodbye. Okay I am done ranting now.

I dreamed last night that I was in an aeroplane looking out of the window at the curve of the earth and I was suddenly overwhelmed with fear and panic as I realised how tiny I am in this universe.

If you did nothing WRONG you wouldn't have to LIE about it would YOU!!

Fact is, what you did to me was the most hurtful thing anyone has done to me in my life!!!!

At least I can say that others who have hurt me did not mean to. But You, YOU, YOU KNEW you were hurting me every time you spoke to HER about me!!

You KNEW IT and continued to do it for YEARS, YEARS!!! You miserable low-life!!!

t,

i was nervous and shy at first..i didnt know how to act and i didnt talk...you would say something, like a joke at me, and i just smiled..... . i warmed up a little... you being playful with me...it helped...our last session you were so angry..not at me, but just angry. not like, violent, or verbally abusive. just your face and your eyes... your demeanor. you told me once that emotionally i am like a child. i am really realizing that now. because your anger scared me, and made me nervous. and i came today... and i still felt that way, even though you reassured me through texts three times. i still felt strange, nervous, unsure.... i think ive been through so much... and the transference i feel for you...which is like a father... gets mixed into how my dad was sometimes. and i fear you like i feared him...

at any rate, T... i eventually relaxed some and had fun. thanks for telling me to come

me

I think I'm not going to return. It will hurt more to quit slowly, to see you might be relieved I ended. I'd rather you tell me you are angry at me or whatever, rather than deny the fact that you changed.. That would help me make a decision to leave. I can't stop thinking about killing myself. I have no one to talk to about this, I'm alone in so much pain, despair, and hopelessness. I don't understand what happened between us. If i live, i think it will take years of therapy to repair the damage.

Dear Pdoc or is it former? I don't even know, haven't followed through since my insurance change.

Anyways...How about those Bruins? The Red Sox? And....the Celtics?!?!? Do you think the Patriots, this year?!?!?!...

I think play by play commentary could have been your other career...different times!



Me

***TW***






Today I wanted to die but i didn't

((BunYip))

Dear uni therapist,

Today's session filled me with an inexplicable sadness. I got home and just sat and stared at the floor, thinking about you and feeling sad.

Maybe I'm just very tired from all the migraines I've been having, or maybe another episode of depression is in the works. Or perhaps it's because we talked about how my parents continue to shower me with the same criticism I have heard a thousand times before, criticism I have internalised and use to beat myself up on a daily basis. You pointed out again that you think it is killing me, and that you wish you could say that to my father. I found myself thinking about how amazing it would be if you actually sat down to have a conversation with him, and I guess it made me a little bit sad to realise that that will never happen. And I'm so tired of having to listen to the same speeches over and over again about everything I do wrong, and there is no point in arguing back because he has the "answers" to everything, anyway. I wish someone could do it for me, and you would be perfect.

I wish you could be my second mum. That's pathetic, isn't it?

Thank you for such a comforting session yesterday. I felt so connected to you and safe, loved and cared about. You are the perfect therapist for me. I need to be grateful for the time I have had with you. You have changed my life. Thank you for the tight hugs. It felt so comforting and safe and you know, I really needed it.

t,

im not coming to group tomorrow. i already told you that. but i told you it was bc i need sleep, which is true. but its also bc i have terrible anxiety now since im off drugs and i know if i go to group ill be really anxious and sit there and not talk and then youll say something to me or ask me something and everyone will stare at me expecting me to say something and my face will turn red and i will want to crawl under the table. so um ya, thats really why im not coming!!!!!!!!

me

dear t i have changed my mind back, and i am going to show you the "looking towards endings" poem that i wrote. well am still writing actually. it feels like it's not done yet. tomorrow will be 2 weeks into my break that I wanted. i'm getting what i hoped to out of it so far. answered the question to myself that i shared with you awhile back "what ARE you to me, that I can't walk out of here and not feel like I need you?" I did not attempt to answer the other part of the question that you added on - don't want to try. want to talk about my answer. want you to read the poem. and want to talk about it. we need to talk about endings, t. although i still can't quite picture it, yet. you know? well. the poem pretty much says it all. it's going to take some talking about. probably a lot of talking about. well i have another week to finish the poem and think about how to approach the talking about it. i'm supposed to be on vacation right now and having fun and not thinking about you or this stuff. yet here i sit in my hotel room doing just that. perhaps i should have brought a bottle of wine with me...

Today has been a better day. Since I';m not going to see you for a month I will talk to you here.
I am sorry about letting my payments get out of control but i think that I get angry with you and then the money I have set aside gets used and then I cancel and I have only just realised that i am only hurting myself by doing this. How do i stop being stupid?
Also i am hurt by the comment you made last session, i think you know the one.
Also I don't know how to stop the pain of not seeing you and I am afraid to ask you for help because of the pausing/endings thing you said a couple of years ago.

T can you be gentle with me this week. I am feeling very fragile and vulnerable, I need some kindness not the usual kick up the backside. We made a contract so I can tell you how I feel and to stop you when I feel it's gets too much but please be gentle, like you were in the first year

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Will I ever sleep again after what you did to me. After how you left me to suffer for years. After you stuck it to me and walked. Will YOU ever sleep again?? Hope not.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

When someone steals your child away from you, right under your nose, do you tell the mother "you'll get over it" or "time will heal your wound"?

Just wondering YOUR thoughts on that. No one else has any sense these days.

Dear T,

I feel like you'd be proud of me today. At least for one of the things I did.

Dear T

You know, I actually hoped you would sent me an email after our last session. Just a short one, to let me know what you thought of the gift. I gave it to you at the end and you said you would open it later so you don't had to rush it. So I hoped you would sent me an email to let me know your thoughts. You had enough time, you had the rest of the day to do it, our session was in the morning. It would have taken only a few minutes. But you choose to not do that. I'm so disappointed by that. And hurt.
If I was you I would have sent a short email. That's what I do if I get something and the other person wouldn't have been with me to see me open it. But that's just me.
Maybe you didn't like it? Maybe you didn't even open it but did you throw it away? You could just have said it then, that you don't want to take gifts. Well, this was the only time I will ever give a gift to a T. I won't do it ever again.

This was the first week without you. It went alright, except for the little breakdown yesterday.

Isn't it ironic that the people who proclaimed to want to "help" me crucified me with their gossip? Then they all turned their back on me, lied and deceived me. How do you think I would feel with everyone against me and NO THERAPIST because he was the director of the play?

Oh that's right, no one cared to begin with. That is the REAL TRUTH!!

Own up to it you miserable people. The charade is over.

t,

guess ur gonna be waiting outside the bathroom while i pee in a cup for you for a while!!!!!!!!

no but really i am glad. it will keep me accountable...

have a good weekend

me

I don't want to admit to you that I am a mess. I can't handle everyday chores like organisng the washing up. I have incomplete tasks all around me and i am just sitting at the computer in a swirling mess. Help please I suspect you think I am more put-together than I am...