SHAME

JD, I'm trying to think of something that will help you-

Does anyone know any good books about shame?

A previous GP had me buy "Shame & Guilt: Masters of Disguise," by Jane Middleton-Moz.

I have it right here....never read it. I might dig into it some evening.
It's a short book...#110 pages.

Here's the back page:

Thank you for your support guys it really means a lot to me. I see my therapist in the morning. I am nervous but I do know he will be gentle and kind as always. He really is a great therapist and I am very grateful and lucky.

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tonight at work i was walking towards the office and some guy was shouting baby! baby! i figured out he was yelling at me so i turned around and he was right there. i said yes sir? he said, god youre so sexy. he got super close to me so i backed up. he said, why you back up from me? i just glared at him. he kept trying to touch me so i managed to get into the managers office and shut the door. i kinda blurted out what just happened to my manager and told him i hate people. (i work in customer service as a bookkeeper in a grocery store). i texted my T about it and told him in all caps that i hate men. he sent back 'me too'. i felt even more grossed out at this stupid man. in WHAT WORLD is that ok to do?? it just triggered my stuff again and i had to stay in the cash office for a bit to calm myself. i also wanted to make sure he had left. i hope he never comes in there again. i help close the store and they close at 11, after 9pm its just me and the manager in there. most of the time its just me int he front end and i worry about my safety...

just venting, i feel better than i did when it happened

Sucks that you experienced street harassment too, JunkDNA.

Hi JD,

Sending good thoughts your way.
I'm glad you were able to see your T today.

Thinking of you.

I met with my therapist. It went well. He said I have been emotionally like a child for a long time. He said I was that way when all that happened with former T so it was very much like child abuse. He said he knows that because I've been like that throughout the 5+ years we've worked together. He also said if I am uncomfortable telling that pervert at work to stop and say no them how could I have said no to former T when I was so emotionally dependent on him. I told him I don't feel like I'm worth protecting myself. I said no one protected me before. He said I know and it's very tragic ad unconciable.

Overall it was a good session. I'm glad we talked. I got my work schedule today and found out I'll be able to go to his game night on thursday. I texted him about it and said it made me feel happy. He said yay

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Hi Junk, I know I am very late in saying this but I've just read this whole thread and wanted to tell you that as you told your story on here I never once thought of you as gross. I am so sorry you feel like this about yourself and think that others will too but I can honestly say that this was not my perception of you as I read through your story. I just see someone with the courage to share what they have gone through and I admire you. The words gross, dirty or disgusting never once entered my head (the only judgements I made were about your ex T) and I hope that you will see that too and that the responses here will help you to heal. I am glad you have a good T now.

JD. I read your posts and you are an amazing woman with so much love and compassion. I guess people are angry for you because your ex T was filth. Hang in there and be kind to yourself.

JD,

What you have endured is just horrible....and my heart is with you as one survivor to another. You have survived...you are so very strong...do you you realize how strong you are? You are funny, intelligent, compassionate, caring and very strong.

I like your T. Can you go ahead and text him now? You impact so many people in a positive way.

Keep posting if that is helpful to you while you wait for your T to text back or call. You went through so much. Your T can help you deal with the pain. Please don't let the perp win.

Thinking of you!

Are you OK, JD? Go ahead and text your T. He obviously cares about you very much. He wouldn't want you to be hurting like this...

Please stay safe. The world needs people like you.

I just know you on an internet forum but have never saw your posts as gross.

Please take care. You didn't deserve the sexual abuse if your former T.

hello... i am ok. i ended up taking my seroquels and they knock me out so i fell asleep. i didnt meant to worry anyone. i just woke up. sorry...

I'm so glad you're okay!! I'm sorry I wasn't able to post my support last night... I don't know you very well because I'm new, but based on what everyone else has said, I have no doubts that you are not to blame and not a bad person AT ALL. Sending gentle hugs if you want them.

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Feeling a bit better today. Submitted my fafsa (student financial aid)and filed taxes. I texted my therapist about all that. He said yay!!!

Going to work at 3 til 11. Looking forward to it which is strange. Sometimes being at work keeps me from doing stupid things to myself.

Thanks for all the support. It is greatly appreciated

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I think there's this idea about rape and sexual abuse that it happens in dark alleys by strangers and people who kidnap children. Of course that kind of abuse exists and it is horrible. But it is comparatively quite rare, the exception really. Usually there is much more of a relationship between the abuser and the abused. Often it's a close relationship and there are parts that feel loving or flattering or sexy and pleasurable.

For me and I think many others it's that aspect, the parts of the abusive relationship or incident that felt good, that are the source of so much shame. The sense that OMG I colluded with this sick thing, I allowed this to happen, there were parts of it that I liked or wanted, it made me feel special etc.

So you torture yourself and feel like a sick and dirty person.

But if someone gave you poisoned chocolate cake would you blame yourself because it tasted good? Is it your fault that you were hungry and believed that someone was being kind and giving you a delicious treat? And of course you trusted them, it wasn't a random stranger giving you cake, it was someone who was supposed to be looking out for you and taking care of you. You needed to be cared for. Everyone does.

You are not gross or dumb or dirty. The shame belongs to the abuser. Junk DNA your abuser was evil and awful and hideous. You definitely are none of that. You did not deserve what happened and you don't deserve the shame and trauma.

You have never come across as gross. That word never entered my mind. Its not your fault that your ex-T did that to you. I am sorry that happened and I really hope you find healing. Your current T sounds really nice and I can tell he really cares about you. You have a lot of strength. Don't forget that. I am sending you hugs if you want them!

thanks guys..

i went to work and i got paranoid and hid in the bathroom. i got in trouble for that. i texted my T in the bathroom, he said it sounded like i was paranoid. i didnt think i was. i thought my coworkers were laughing and talking about me and making fun of me so i hid. i took a PRN and after about an hour i felt better and realized it wasnt real , it was in my head. i hate that. sometimes my brain tries to trick me... sometimes my reality breaks away from everyone elses and i dont know how to react. at least i have my T to reality check with, and my prns to help bring me back down to earth and calm me

i asked my T today how to put a filter on my brain. for the memories. he said something about compartmentalizing things in order to function. i told him i wonder how former T deals with it. my therapist said he doesnt care how he deals with it. i said i wonder what he thinks about it. T said im more concerned with what you think about you. i said... i wonder if he feels bad for what happened, and if he understands why i told. i didnt really like my T saying he didnt care. because i care. i care what former T thinks about it. i care whether he feels bad or if he understands why i did what i did. i almost feel some sort of empathy for my former T right now... in group today the members were telling me that it wasnt my fault , etc... that i did those things because of the position i was in.. vulnerable... added onto previous things that have happened in my life. that i didnt do anything wrong. i cant understand how that applies to me and not my former T. how he is the monster and im this blameless victim. i dont see it like that. i feel so confused about everything...my feelings about everything. one minute i want my former T dead, the next i feel sorry for him. one member of my group said, some people are just sociopaths. i said but that comes from something ,too, right? some past hurt or pain, trauma, whatever. im not sure if i make sense right now. i am very emotional and hurting so much

So I'm hardly an authority but from what I've read it seems like sociopaths (psychopaths) are born not made. But most sociopaths are not violent and the inability to feel empathy is not the same as an inability to distinguish right from wrong.

I don't know if your abuser T was a sociopath but I don't think he deserves your empathy. Maybe something bad did happen to him. But something really terrible happened to you and yet somehow you manage to make it through each day without going around raping people. So do I. So do the overwhelming majority of survivors of sexual violence.

There is nothing that could have happened to him that compelled him to do what he did. If he was a T he necessarily had the knowledge that what he was doing was egregiously wrong and had the resources to get help. He didn't just make a small error in judgement or have a bad day.

thank you for that perspective... it does help me

im at my mom's house which is beside the town that all the stuff happened with my former T. i wanted to pay some website to look up his current address and go by his house. i didnt do that but i did drive around that town and drove by his old office building wehre the stuff happened and i was even looking around to see him. i really dont understand myself and the reason behind all of this. what am i looking for??? if i actually did see him i would probably run away and the dissociate far far away for a long time. i think im trying to make things worse for myself by doing this...like a self destructive thing. ive just been hurting a lot lately.. and im not really taking good care of myself. i had an emergency session with my T yesterday. im glad he let me see him... i told him thank you for seeing me and he said thanks for asking. i was so nervous to ask because i wasnt sure. anyway... im glad i didnt try to find former Ts house, i think that would have been a bit much... but i am confused about my behavior tonight, driving around to places looking for him

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much.

Maybe there is a part of you that wants to confront the beast that haunts you, so to speak? I agree that it wouldn't have done you any good, though. I certainly get the appeal of it, but at the end of the day he isn't worth it. He isn't worth the pain it would cause you.

My class from secondary school (grade/year 8-10 in Norway) had a 10-year reunion last year, and there was a part of me that definitely wanted to show up so I could tell everyone who bullied me where to stick it, but then I thought, are they really worth it? And I decided they weren't. Being invited to that thing was upsetting enough.

Stay strong. Remember that there are a lot of people who admire you for all that you have overcome and for what you give to others. I know I do.

i think you're right... i have so many questions for him that i know ill never get the answers to. and that bothers me a lot. i dont know how to let go