[Loco4]

Hi All,

I'm in the midst of some love/hate transference. I absolutely love my therapist! I just want to run away and live happily ever after with her. Obviously this is pure fantasy.

Lately though I'm been questioning whether she genuinely cares. We discussed it and she assures me she has no negative feelings towards me. She says she wouldn't do this kind of deep work if she didn't feel like our connection was strong enough.

Sometimes I feel like she doesn't really know me. I've brought material to sessions before and it's kind of been brushed over.

How in depth do you talk about your life with your t? How much do they know about you? How interested are they in your history and what's going on in your life?



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Argonautomobile]

I wonder if part of the reason you're questioning whether she genuinely cares has to do with breaking down the fantasy? I mean, if we have this fantasy-version of our T's in our heads where they're perfect and we love everything about them, the reality that they're just regular imperfect people feels sort of disappointing by comparison, don't you think?

Anyway, to answer the question...I think there's always a measure of faith here, but for me I've assured myself T cares in a couple different ways. There's a particular look, a particular feeling I sometimes get in session, the fact that T does seem to appear genuinely interested and alert. He remembers details that surprise me (until he doesn't, haha).

Then there's the intellectual aspect--I tell myself that a T couldn't do this job if they didn't care, that they wouldn't, as your T said, do deep work unless there was a strong connection.

Finally, I got a whole lot happier about this once I started feeling better about myself and separating my self worth from whether or not I thought T cared. I used to be just tortured by doubt about whether people liked me. I still am, sometimes, but mostly I'm able to tell myself "Of course T likes me. I'm likable. And if he doesn't then **** him! I'm FABULOUS!" It's a good feeling.

[BayBrony]

Can't agree enough with argonaut. The worst time my T and I had was working through a rupture where I realized she's just one person. Even my friends who were parents found themselves sometimes ambivalent toward their children that they clearly love with all your heart because love and care taking is SO much work.

One of the things that helped me especially with the limited aspect of our time together is to realize that the emotional intensity and intimacy we share is NOT something that I as an introvert am capable of maintain ing myself for more than a finite period of time. I feel an hour is too short. We compromised. I occasionally ever other month or so when her schedule allows get a two hour session. And that helped me realize unlimited T time would not work.

As far as how I know she cares....she is genuinely present. She remembers my story. She laughs and gets emotional. She SAYs she loves me, is committed to our work, etc etc. I don't think you can fake that.

[Loco4]

Argonaut I think that's it, I don't have a great sense of self-worth and I'm fixated on whether t actually likes me or not. I'm want so desperate for t to like me, likes it proof that in likeable.

I seem to tell myself that she has to care because it's her job, doesn't mean it's real.

I hope one day I can reach a place where I'm not so concerned as to whether people like me

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[stopdog]

For me, the fact the therapist does not care is the only thing that makes going possible. For me, a therapist saying they care does not matter as I consider them non-trustworthy sources.
If it helps, I would just take their protestions of care at face value and use it until you don't need it any more.

[Argonautomobile]

Originally Posted by stopdog

For me, the fact the therapist does not care is the only thing that makes going possible. For me, a therapist saying they care does not matter as I consider them non-trustworthy sources. If it helps, I would just take their protestations of care at face value and use it until you don't need it any more.

You know, I think this is really good advice. It's a lot easier said than done to just take people at their word, but I think therapy is a good place to practice that. It's been an important part of my therapy, personally. You'll drive yourself nuts if you worry too much about what people "secretly" think, whether they mean what they say, try to read their minds, etc.

[Argonautomobile]

Originally Posted by Loco4

Argonaut I think that's it, I don't have a great sense of self-worth and I'm fixated on whether t actually likes me or not. I'm want so desperate for t to like me, likes it proof that in likeable.

I seem to tell myself that she has to care because it's her job, doesn't mean it's real.

I hope one day I can reach a place where I'm not so concerned as to whether people like me

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Oh yeah, I've been there! If it makes you feel any better, I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to be liked. I mean, who doesn't like to be liked? It's normal. It just sucks when you NEED it as proof that you're likable (nicely put, by the way) because you keep needing it and it's devastating when you don't get it.

Anyway, I think you can get to a place where you know you're awesome and F*** anybody who disagrees. Good luck!

[Out There]

It's been in little ways where he's looked concerned. Once when the trauma came through my body and another time I was running late and was 10 minutes late for session. Actions sometimes speak louder than words. But I'm starting to be able to accept concern about my wellbeing from people. I don't like anything that puts me in " victim " frame.

[Soccer mom]

This was a huge issue for me with ex-T. I've now realized her inconsistencies and reactions to me made me feel she didn't care. I asked her several times and she wouldn't flat out say it but told me to look at her actions. Then, one time she said it with tears in her eyes. About 6 months later I had another period of not feeling it and she said "don't make me regret telling you". I was floored.

With new T. I have absolutely no doubt she cares and she hasn't flat out said it until a week ago. But, for the first 6 months I just knew. I knew in the way she looked at me, the questions she asked, the time she took to try to understand, the contact she gave me. It all just added up.

I remember asking my brother who is a psychologist how he knew his T. cared about him. He said he just knew. I kept thinking why can't I just know with ex-T. I now get it - I just know with new T.

I also think it's personality of your T. My ex-T. just wasn't a "mushy" type of person. She was tough and a little bit all business. Current T. is just a more loving person in general.

I'm sorry you're struggling with this. I know how painful it can be. You can tell yourself all day long all the reasons she should care. But, FEELING it is a different story.

Originally Posted by Argonautomobile

You know, I think this is really good advice. It's a lot easier said than done to just take people at their word, but I think therapy is a good place to practice that. It's been an important part of my therapy, personally. You'll drive yourself nuts if you worry too much about what people "secretly" think, whether they mean what they say, try to read their minds, etc.

I agree with this. I honestly don't think most people spend a whole lot of time worrying about whether someone is telling the truth about caring; we just kind of take people at their word and unless something happens to prove otherwise, that's good enough. Since you know this isn't really about whether the T likes you or not, but really about whether you are likeable enough, whether you are worthy of really being cared about, it's good to remember that no one will really be able to change those doubts in your head except yourself. My husband has this issue and has finally learned to remind himself that the issue is really more in his head than it is in reality, and instead of constantly asking for proof of caring, he may say things to himself like "I'm having one of those moments where I feel unloveable, but I know all evidence of consistency and support shows the people around me do care even when I'm having trouble feeling it for myself."

[Out There]

Perhaps it's a feeling of being undeserving. We don't " deserve " to have people like us and care about us. But we get the evidence that they do. And it doesn't " fit " It's like trying to accept , intergrate and "feel " it. That's not easy.

[Loco4]

That's it out there. I don't feel worthy, deserving or loveable. To an outsider there may be plenty of evidence that contradicts this, but no matter how blatantly obvious it may be it doesn't feel real to me.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Cinnamon_Stick]

I could tell my T cared about me before she ever said anything. Her actions show it. She remembers everything and asks questions about something that has happened. She calls me when I am in crisis and is there for me. In session its the way she talks to me and looks at me. She tells me she cares very deeply for me and I can really see it in her actions. When I was first starting therapy with her I just knew she cared. I believe that if someone genuinely cares about you, you can tell and feel it.

I talk to t about anything and everything. She knows just about everything about me, which i find both terrifying and comforting. She is interested in every aspect of my life.
She also tells me she cares about me and loves me.

[JaneTennison1]

Ex T told me she liked me and cared for me, right before she got angry and stopped seeing me. Caring no longer has the value it used to and the words mean nothing. New T shows caring by believing me.

[atisketatasket]

Well, you're asking about "caring" and "really caring" (outside the bounds of the professional relationship).

I would say all three care professionally. Loath as I am to admit it, No. 1 probably did really care; I'm going by behavior.

I seriously don't care how much any of them care so long as they do their jobs. Which Nos. 1 and 2 did, and No. 3 is doing now.

[yagr]

I had an initial consultation with a new T a few weeks ago. It was a 'are we a good fit' meeting. She told me that many of her clients, those in crisis or close to crisis, have e-mail and phone access to her - but that she could not accept any more patients who needed that level of support at this time. I assured her that I was not in crisis and would not require that level of access, but told her that I had written a story that was, in many ways, autobiographical - and I would like to e-mail it to her. Not necessarily for her to read, but more as a symbolic act for me, that I would allow myself to remain vulnerable with her. She agreed happily. I attached it to this e-mail:

Good morning,

I probably should have warned you that it is more of a book than a story; and if I've correctly assumed that the picture of that little fellow on the table in your office is yours, then you almost certainly don't have the time. As a result, let me say again, no expectations - I have no expectations that it'll be read, just wanted to make a gift of myself and this story is an effective means for me. The power, for me, is in the giving, not what happens afterwards. See you on Thursday.

The 'story' was 355 pg. By Thursday, she had read it. She wanted to meet the authentic me.

[unlockingsanity]

I know he cares because he says he does and shows that he does.

She was willing verbally to say it, and always showed in in her professional duties toward me. She was willing to get up, and get tissues that were closer to me to wipe those one or two stray tears rolling down my face. Those memories are what get me through the insecure times now.

I know mine doesn't care because he is still seeing and talking to my cousin about me behind my back!!!

I'm not sure if it's legal to see a client to gossip (about another client) and vice versa but they do it.

[Sarah1985]

I continuously doubt my t cares about me, however, it comes from a place of where I don't feel I deserve to be cared for, rather that whether or not she does. When I challenge myself to sit down and think about her actions, etc. I see not only her words that she cares for me, but by her actions. She checks in with me, pushes me toward my goals, remembers details, sees the potential and good things in me and tells me so I can challenge myself to see them too.

[bolair811]

Originally Posted by Loco4

Hi All,

How in depth do you talk about your life with your t? How much do they know about you? How interested are they in your history and what's going on in your life?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

It took me so so long to build up enough trust with my T to talk about more than just day to day issues with work, family, etc. I'm talking 6 months or more before I could really start opening up to him about some of the more shameful things. It's taken me almost 2 years to talk to him about CSA, and I'm still not ready to tell him any details. Over this time, I feel like I've shared a lot about myself, not only some of my personal interests, but also many things I thought I could never share with anyone. I think I have extremely keen intuition about people in general, and although it took me a while to open up, I've seen no reason to believe that my T doesn't care about me. I truly believe he is gifted in what he does because no one has been able to break down my walls the way he has, and I've been in therapy a LONG time.

So basically, what I'm saying is that I trust my gut and also his actions, which have never been anything but kind, caring, and supportive.

[ruh roh]

She read a book that I brought in, just because I asked if she would. We discussed it a bit the next week. It meant a lot that she not only read it, but that she read it carefully. The fact that she shared her understanding and appreciation of the book showed a lot of care. There are other things she's done, but that really stood out for me. I've never had a therapist do something like that.

[AllHeart]

Cause she randomly sends me text messages telling me so. There are a lot more ways I know t cares but the out of the blue texts she sends to me is my favorite.

[junkDNA]

i ask him