Already disappointed and frustrated with new T!

Sometimes they just are not doing their job right and clients do get to tell them so.

If I were in your position, even though this may be your only valid therapy option, I'd speak up about whatever bothered me. Sure, you could lose your only therapy option. But since it's your only therapy option, why not insist on communicating what you need? I would rather do that than suffer in silence.

That said, I don't see why it has to be phrased as "you're doing it incorrectly." Try asking about her methods. Or say, "It would be more helpful to me if..."

I think it's perfectly reasonable to tell a therapist that you're seeing what you're NOT liking about how they conduct therapy. I am curious, however, if you know exactly what or how you'd like therapy to look like. You don't have to tell us here, but I think it would be a really good thing for you to really examine this for yourself, make a list of how therapy should look and then take it in to your next session and have a chat with your therapist. If I'm remembering correctly, you've done some reading about therapy and you have very definite ideas of how you want your therapist to act. Talk with her about your ideas and wants. I will add, however, that you'll find that some therapists aren't interested in changing their style or techniques; some even get a bit testy when clients question them and this leads to a referral to another therapist or a comment about "I don't think we're suited to working together. I'm probably not the right person to work with you." Yes, we all wish that all therapists were able to accept critiques/constructive comments on their performance, but unfortunately that's not the case. Just as you have some thoughts on how YOU would like your therapy to proceed, some therapists have very definite ideas of how THEY want it to proceed. If you're not a match, then it's better to know that then just feel a smoldering fire of resentment. Some therapists have a very definite style in how the "intake" process of therapy will be conducted (the first two to five sessions) and some are really focused on note taking. If that makes you uncomfortable and unable to work with that therapist and they aren't willing to change, you're between a rock and a hard place because you can't change someone who is unwilling to change.

The other thing I wanted to add is that the time issue is what it is. If you've been told by a therapist that her sessions are 50 minutes in length then you can't complain or gripe if she doesn't keep you longer--if she consistently shortens your session or starts late, then you have reason to be angry. You have no idea how her clients are staggered and she might have a client after you who is very sensitive to abandonment and is unsettled if her therapist is even a minute late. Fifty minutes is fifty minutes--no more, no less. The other thing is, we forget that therapists are human and need to use the restroom, eat a lunch or snack or just simply refill their water bottle. If every client during the day wanted 2 or 3 more minutes, those minutes ADD up because it isn't just 2 or 3 minutes, it's more like 10, once the client picks up their things, gets out the door and down the hall and then the therapist has to put YOUR file away, tidy up the office and then go and get the next client. Sorry, but that's the reality of time.

The other thing is that scheduling your appointment or re-scheduling is part of your therapy. If you'd rather have a desk person do the scheduling, let her know and if she's able to do that, hopefully she will allow that to happen. But just know that a lot of clinics require their staff to keep their own appointment book due to the changes that are often necessary. In any case, unless you let her know that you don't want your "therapy" time taken up by appointment issues, she can't know that it bothers you. Speak up and let her know! If she refers you out because she sees you as difficult, then you're probably better off anyway. Good luck!

My attitude toward Ts is not relevant here.

I am asking a straightforward question -- What if Sarah's perception is entirely accurate? And the corollary question -- Will nobody grant her that possibility?

The quote about Ferenczi comes to mind again:
"The patient is not always distressed or regressed, the analyst is occasionally impaired and needy. Patients are just as capable of accurate attunement as their analyst; analysts are just as capable of mistaken judgment as their patients. Ferenczi was more willing to openly state this than many others."

I absolutely agree with you but a therapist also has the right to conduct therapy the way she want to and she can even not be open to change. When that happens, I don't think we can be angry when they refer us out by saying, "I don't think I'm the right therapist for you."

Personally, I'm only interested in working with one who is open to hearing my ideas about what works for me, but it is my responsibility to let her know what isn't working. If she decides she ain't changing, and I know that I'm not changing, then it's time for one of us to hit the road . . . and since it's her office, I guess that would be me!

My t has said to me that it IS personal, because it is about how I relate to other people. He does not like it, and does not respond well, if i go in and give him an ultimatum. He wants me to think about how i would handle the situation with any other regular person. Because yes i can be VERY bossy. Other people do not like that. You can say they are not being professional then, but that is not the point.

You read about movie stars who are difficult to work with, and other stars who are nice. Its like that. Who is being professional, and who is treating others the way they would want to be treated?

Like the scheduling. There is a LOT to talk about, about the scheduling. It upset you. That doesnt mean the t did anything wrong. Doing therapy means taking more time - maybe now, maybe later, but within your 45 minutes - to figure out why you found it upsetting. What you learn from it will apply to your whole life. Do you understand that?

I don't disagree that a client can't make the therapist change. But it can be quite satisfying to tell the therapist just how much and how fully they suck and are failing

Going back to my teach a man to fish metaphor, this sounds like a bait and switch!

Hi Sarah, I'm joining this discussion a bit late. But here are my thoughts - For me, the mark of a good T is not whether or not they take notes or lead the conversation, or how they handle the end of the session. Instead it is how they handle it and respond when a client brings up their feelings about these things. Which I guess you don't know yet how your T will respond if you say something like : 'I'm not sure I like you taking so many notes'. I think that you feel really hesitant to question anything because of your previous bad experience? Maybe that would be useful to talk about - to say that you have some thoughts about how you are working together but you are kind of afraid to say them? Is it because you fear rejection? For me these kind of conversations are more therapeutic than talking about things in my life. I hope you can work things out with this T, I remember that it has been hard for you to find a T.

Inconsistency would make me angry as well and I would definitely bring it up if it's repetitive. Would probably give it a bit more time though and see if she can adjust to your needs and you two develop a better rapport. My T is more punctual than a Swiss clock and has a great way of indicating the end of the session simply just making a move in his chair, but there were things in his style of behaving in the session that I did not like very much in the beginning. I told him this and he changed immediately to fit with what I wanted. It was also interesting to discuss why the original style bothered me, I learned things about myself from it. We probably think some things should be obvious for a professional, but perhaps it is not, especially if we clients don't talk about it.

My life was put at risk by my last main T. So any impulses I have about Ts comes from that primarily. See what I did there?

Doing a good job is not the issue. It's about having a sane and balanced view of Ts as human beings. They are just fallible as we are. If the assumption is that they are not, then you are on a slippery slope to hell. Been there.

Originally posted by bud fox:
A general scenario:
1) A person suffers serious misattunement or neglect or abuse in childhood.

What you did there was ignore your own general scenario, but you try to put the blame on me, or argue with me. Its no good arguing with me, i have an extremely thick skull. Maybe we're related!

I have no idea what the fish thing means- and how would it be bait and switch? The only party able to bait and switch would be the therapist.

Or the client is presenting herself as looking for help (bait), then when the t is reeled in, the client switches the deal to one more appealing or favorable to the client and less so to the t.

I don't believe in poor therapist. But bait and switch belongs to the party selling-not the party buying.
Also, all clients are not looking to buy the same thing. We do not all seek the same thing from therapists. And many of us tell them so directly.

But clients have to realize that therapists may only be selling one product or a limited set of products (therapy approaches/boundary rules/etc) and expecting them to sell something they don't have in the store is probably not going to get you very far. You can demand a particular product (approach) all you want, but unless the therapist is willing and able provide that product (approach), and they are under no obligation to meet the product needs of every client who walks in the door (nor is that realistic), you are kind of beating a dead horse. So, you either work within the bounds of the products they have on their shelves, adjusting your expectations, learning to adapt to different approaches, etc., or you go to another store to find exactly what you need. If you only have one store in your town, then you have to find a way to make that work, or go completely without. That may seem unfair, but that is the way it is.

Who is buying and who is selling is irrelevant in this transaction, imo. And Its not a question of everyone seeking the same thing.

I can't agree with this enough.

I am not arguing it is unfair or not. I think discussions of fairness are pointless when talking about a therapist. Or any where really. A sense of Fairness or lack is not my point. Indeed those guys need not play fairly in how they set the rules up. My only point is to tell the therapist where they fail. I think it's important to let them know. Often they do proposed to be selling something and then when you try to get it they fail to follow through on what they offered. Telling them how they fail doesn't mean you will get them to do better, but it does mean that the client has let the therapist know that the client knew about the therapist's failure. There is no need to be a victim of a therapist in this area is what I was getting at.

In bait and switch it does matter who is selling.

Thank you for this, lolagrace. This is a very helpful post for anyone seeking therapy or to remember if already in therapy.

I see therapy more as a partnership, where from the beginning, i have more to offer the t than just a paycheck. If the t doesnt see it as a philosophical endeavor, we probably dont have a match. I am looking for something better than what i had at home. but you and i have discussed that.

I wonder if people are aware how much lecturing and advising and even scolding is coming out in this thread. I find it disturbing. Go back and look at the initial post. The OP is having a hard time in therapy and is mainly venting. No advice was solicited, no questions asked.

Further, much of what Sarah reported as having been distressing in the T's behavior has been deflected back to her, reflexively and seemingly unconsciously. I see this as a manifestation of people having internalized therapy norms, and then regurg'ing them unedited, or projection of some covert shame. Just as in therapy, if someone is struggling or hurting, they are assumed to be lost and in need of instruction. No acknowledgment of the very real possibly that the T is in fact doing something annoying or upsetting. Or just that the nature of therapy is crazy-making.

My kind of support gives benefit of the doubt to the poster and assumes they are competent and smart and aware. I know... crazy, right?

Discuss...

Exactly why I think it is different things for different clients. I don't want what you want from them at all. I am not saying you are wrong for you, but it is quite wrong for me.

I miss our jousting when you are gone.

A lot of us remember going thru this same sort of thing with sarah over the past year or so. If we see her rushing back into the same burning house, how do we properly support her? I dont think that finding fault with the therapist, after trying for so long to find one, is going to help her find love or find work. Finding fault with the therapist is easy; fixing your problems is much harder. Whats the expression - a poor craftsman blames his tools. I hated my t for the first three years - its part of the work; its not necessarily a reason to quit.