Already disappointed and frustrated with new T!

I have never found unsolicited instruction or advice useful.

They say, there's always a first time!

A lot of us remember going thru this same sort of thing with sarah over the past year or so. If we see her rushing back into the same burning house, how do we properly support her?

How about sharing similar experiences in therapy that relate to the issues mentioned, as a way to commiserate. Or a gentle suggestion or two.

I dont see how anyone here is in a position to give anyone else a lesson or lecture.

Or if one must give advice, it wouldn't hurt to suggest at least considering staying away from therapy if it is causing ongoing problems.

How about sharing similar experiences in therapy that relate to the issues mentioned, as a way to commiserate. Or a gentle suggestion or two.

I dont see how anyone here is in a position to give anyone else a lesson or lecture.

Or if one must give advice, it wouldn't hurt to suggest at least considering staying away from therapy if it is causing ongoing problems.

I do think therapy mostly causes more problems than it solves. People who buy into it of course believe it helps but that usually falls apart in the end.

I do understand that you see this as a truism for yourself, but I will state honestly that it hasn't been true for me. I'm quite a bit older than many on this board and although I've often, over the years, had rough times in therapy (with therapists I respected), when things have cooled down and I've been able to look at things through a less emotional lens, I've realized that my reaction was due to my own issues. Those situations have been learning experiences for me and I have grown by leaps and bounds, something that wasn't possible when I was young because of my childhood. In a sense, therapy has helped me grow up. I realize this isn't everyone's experience and I am only saying what I said above because I think it's important not to discount what happened to you but also it's important not to discount my personal experience. Yes, I "buy into" therapy, but that's because for me it has personally been a helpful and supportive endeavor. And since I've had three very good therapists, I don't see things "falling apart in the end". Why? Because that hasn't been my experience over the years.

This thread has gotten confusing. Therapy is a business? We're supposed to "shop" around for a therapist like a business transaction and yet it's supposed to be "personal" and a "relationship?"

This is perhaps were the difference is on how some people view therapy and how I personally view my therapy experience. I agree that therapy is a business--I pay someone to assist me with personal issues that I have in living my life. But I am under no illusion that my therapist is my best friend, lover, family member or a person, who if I wasn't engaged with her in a financial arrangement, would continue to meet with me on a weekly basis. I definitely believe and practice finding a therapist as a "shop"ping adventure. I've interviewed MANY MANY therapists in my search for someone I want to work with, and I've even picked one or two, gone for sessions and decided that I'd picked wrong one and stopped going.

I view therapy as "personal" in regard to its impact on me, and only me. It's personal because I go in and talk about personal and/or intimate topics that pertain to my life. I have absolutely no expectation of the therapist sharing their personal information; in fact, I have eliminated therapists as a possibility of being my therapist because they overshared or talked too much about themselves. I'm not in the least interested in knowing anything personal about the person I'm working with--other than what's her training level, is she in my age cohort (not interested in working with someone who hasn't experienced many of the things "older" adults deal with), how many years of experience they have, have they successfully worked with clients similar to my issues and is he/she willing to gracefully and nondefensively take constructive feedback from me (in other words, do they own their own stuff). In no way do I believe or think that my IRL relationships will be conducted in the same way. My IRL relationships are much more a two way street.

I think that some individuals go into therapy and think that the therapist is going to act like their best friend or parent. Sometimes, with a skilled and well-trained therapist, this focus can be worked through. However, I think that some therapists encourage and foster this kind of thinking and then get in over their heads and run for the hills, harming clients in a very painful manner.

I think therapy is really just not good for most people, but if someone thinks they must have it then there isn't much you can do to talk them out of it. In the case of the op the whole concept seems to cause an immense amount of distress. Not sure it's the best thing in this case.

I do think therapy mostly causes more problems than it solves. People who buy into it of course believe it helps but that usually falls apart in the end.

This thread has gotten confusing. Therapy is a business? We're supposed to "shop" around for a therapist like a business transaction and yet it's supposed to be "personal" and a "relationship?"

I think therapy is really just not good for most people, but if someone thinks they must have it then there isn't much you can do to talk them out of it. In the case of the op the whole concept seems to cause an immense amount of distress. Not sure it's the best thing in this case.

I agree that it is always a crap-shoot. There will always be those who can and do benefit tremendously from therapy and wind up with **** therapists and then those who will feel that because they have not found the right fit they are doomed to live in pain.
I have personally given this a great deal of thought, I have had several bad experiences - and I wonder constantly if success is possible for me. Yet, I do believe in the potential value. I am willing to do the work, a bit less quick to trust, but my expectations are not excessive or demanding. I need integrity, smarts, intuitiveness, honesty, a sense of levity (can't cry all the time) and clear boundaries. One would think it's not a difficult combination to find....one would be incorrect.....

The problem here is that the OP says she has no other options. Thus, if therapy is something she feels she needs, she may need to find a way to work through this, communicate constructively her concerns and need with this therapist, so she can get the therapy she needs. She says walking away leaves her with no options. In that scenario, what a person has to do is work through the discomfort (none of her issues with this therapist appear to be highly unethical or seriously unprofessional -- they seem to be things that perhaps with some good discussion and communication can be worked through). If she can't do that, then her only option, according to her, is to be without therapy altogether which doesn't seem to be what the OP wants to happen.

She has very particular and specific ideas about what she wants from a therapist which have made it very hard for her to find a new therapist. What may need to happen in order for her to continue in therapy is that the OP may need to find a way to communicate what she needs constructively and she will probably also need to do a bit of compromising about her expectations somewhat. I would guess a middle ground can be found, but it will take communication and a willingness to be okay with a middle ground I suspect in this case since she doesn't have the option to find a different therapist.

I'm surprised that people feel they have sufficiently intimate knowledge of the OP's issues and life to give these sorts of prescriptions, which in some cases (thinking of another recent thread especially) are quite elaborate and even aggressive. Also surprised that people assume the OP needs this in the first place.

Fundamentally i find hierarchy to be dangerous. I have seen how it erodes autonomy and dignity in therapy. If people experience it in therapy and then here too, is that healthy?

I'm surprised that people feel they have sufficiently intimate knowledge of the OP's issues and life...

Its not like we're snooping in her windows! Some of us actually remember what people write here about their lives, and kinda care about the person behind the post. Thats part of why i'm here - i would like to help facilitate communication between client and t. Regular doctors like in hospitals have an ombudsman for the patient to be better served and understood - why not ts?

I think it's perfectly reasonable to tell a therapist that you're seeing what you're NOT liking about how they conduct therapy. I am curious, however, if you know exactly what or how you'd like therapy to look like. You don't have to tell us here, but I think it would be a really good thing for you to really examine this for yourself, make a list of how therapy should look and then take it in to your next session and have a chat with your therapist. If I'm remembering correctly, you've done some reading about therapy and you have very definite ideas of how you want your therapist to act. Talk with her about your ideas and wants. I will add, however, that you'll find that some therapists aren't interested in changing their style or techniques; some even get a bit testy when clients question them and this leads to a referral to another therapist or a comment about "I don't think we're suited to working together. I'm probably not the right person to work with you." Yes, we all wish that all therapists were able to accept critiques/constructive comments on their performance, but unfortunately that's not the case. Just as you have some thoughts on how YOU would like your therapy to proceed, some therapists have very definite ideas of how THEY want it to proceed. If you're not a match, then it's better to know that then just feel a smoldering fire of resentment. Some therapists have a very definite style in how the "intake" process of therapy will be conducted (the first two to five sessions) and some are really focused on note taking. If that makes you uncomfortable and unable to work with that therapist and they aren't willing to change, you're between a rock and a hard place because you can't change someone who is unwilling to change.

The other thing I wanted to add is that the time issue is what it is. If you've been told by a therapist that her sessions are 50 minutes in length then you can't complain or gripe if she doesn't keep you longer--if she consistently shortens your session or starts late, then you have reason to be angry. You have no idea how her clients are staggered and she might have a client after you who is very sensitive to abandonment and is unsettled if her therapist is even a minute late. Fifty minutes is fifty minutes--no more, no less. The other thing is, we forget that therapists are human and need to use the restroom, eat a lunch or snack or just simply refill their water bottle. If every client during the day wanted 2 or 3 more minutes, those minutes ADD up because it isn't just 2 or 3 minutes, it's more like 10, once the client picks up their things, gets out the door and down the hall and then the therapist has to put YOUR file away, tidy up the office and then go and get the next client. Sorry, but that's the reality of time.

The other thing is that scheduling your appointment or re-scheduling is part of your therapy. If you'd rather have a desk person do the scheduling, let her know and if she's able to do that, hopefully she will allow that to happen. But just know that a lot of clinics require their staff to keep their own appointment book due to the changes that are often necessary. In any case, unless you let her know that you don't want your "therapy" time taken up by appointment issues, she can't know that it bothers you. Speak up and let her know! If she refers you out because she sees you as difficult, then you're probably better off anyway. Good luck!

My attitude toward Ts is not relevant here.

I am asking a straightforward question -- What if Sarah's perception is entirely accurate? And the corollary question -- Will nobody grant her that possibility?

The quote about Ferenczi comes to mind again:
"The patient is not always distressed or regressed, the analyst is occasionally impaired and needy. Patients are just as capable of accurate attunement as their analyst; analysts are just as capable of mistaken judgment as their patients. Ferenczi was more willing to openly state this than many others."

Hi Sarah, I'm joining this discussion a bit late. But here are my thoughts - For me, the mark of a good T is not whether or not they take notes or lead the conversation, or how they handle the end of the session. Instead it is how they handle it and respond when a client brings up their feelings about these things. Which I guess you don't know yet how your T will respond if you say something like : 'I'm not sure I like you taking so many notes'. I think that you feel really hesitant to question anything because of your previous bad experience? Maybe that would be useful to talk about - to say that you have some thoughts about how you are working together but you are kind of afraid to say them? Is it because you fear rejection? For me these kind of conversations are more therapeutic than talking about things in my life. I hope you can work things out with this T, I remember that it has been hard for you to find a T.

Its not like we're snooping in her windows! Some of us actually remember what people write here about their lives, and kinda care about the person behind the post. Thats part of why i'm here - i would like to help facilitate communication between client and t. Regular doctors like in hospitals have an ombudsman for the patient to be better served and understood - why not ts?

It seems a bit like she doesn´t normally get clients who question her or think about the relationship per se, it´s more about focusing on childhood issues for example.