[Crook32]

I told my T today that I didn't think she believed me and that I wished she didn't care. I have been trying to push her away and others that care too. [trigger] for three weeks now we have been talking about my severe suicidal ideation. [\trigger] Today she said she has been uncomfortable for awhile where I am at but today she was very uncomfortable. Mainly because I have come up with a new plan to get around our safety plan. She hasn't emergency petitioned me yet because I am supposed to start a DBT group tonight and she thinks that will be more helpful than the hospital. I have trouble asking for and accepting help and that is why I have been pushing everyone away. She said she is relentless though and not going anywhere.

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[Crook32]

I am in a really bad place right now and thinking about canceling my session on Friday.

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[Cinnamon_Stick]

I am sorry you are in a bad place and struggling. I often think of canceling my sessions because I am scared and don't want to deal with my issues or feelings. I have learned though is that when I really want to cancel is when I really should go to my session and after my session I feel so much better that I went.

Can you email or call your T and let her know how badly you are struggling? I hope things get better for you quickly!

[Crook32]

Originally Posted by Cinnamon_Stick

I am sorry you are in a bad place and struggling. I often think of canceling my sessions because I am scared and don't want to deal with my issues or feelings. I have learned though is that when I really want to cancel is when I really should go to my session and after my session I feel so much better that I went.

Can you email or call your T and let her know how badly you are struggling? I hope things get better for you quickly!

I emailed my T and told her what my new plan was that I wouldn't tell her about in session. She knows I am struggling. I am actually surprised she hasn't called the cops on me yet. I have gone home a few nights expecting them to be there waiting for me.

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Originally Posted by Crook32

I emailed my T and told her what my new plan was that I wouldn't tell her about in session. She knows I am struggling. I am actually surprised she hasn't called the cops on me yet. I have gone home a few nights expecting them to be there waiting for me.

I'm sorry you're struggling so much, Crook. Is it possible that a tiny part of you wants to go home and find the cops "waiting" for you? I say this because sometimes when we're in a really bad place, we know, in the deepest part of ourselves, that we can't be safe, that we can't look out for ourselves. It's the thing that makes us trust our therapists and allows us to tell them the truth of what we're thinking; in other words, we're asking them in a round about way to take control and keep us safe.

I hope your therapist is able to find the right balance of support and care for you. I'm glad you're scheduled for the DBT group, but sometimes we're too unstable and unsafe to be out there on our own, especially when we're having suicidal thoughts and feeling the pressure to let others who care about us know about them. Take care.

[substancelessblue]

I'm kind of in a similar situation, and I'm sorry for what you're going through. If you don't cancel and go to the appointment, can you tell her you're feeling like pushing her away? Is it maybe that you're trying to push her away in the hope that she will push back harder, and actually prove she cares or has trust in you? I myself often test boundaries like that, and waiting for my next session I can see that's how it'll go down for me.
I wonder what she would say if you told her your thoughts about the cops being likely to be waiting for you. She might reassure you or find a way to keep you safe that would be less difficult for you. To be honest I know these difficulties with T's are some of the hardest, because they are supposed to be the one person we can trust. I wish you all the best.

[Crook32]

Originally Posted by Jaybird57

I'm sorry you're struggling so much, Crook. Is it possible that a tiny part of you wants to go home and find the cops "waiting" for you? I say this because sometimes when we're in a really bad place, we know, in the deepest part of ourselves, that we can't be safe, that we can't look out for ourselves. It's the thing that makes us trust our therapists and allows us to tell them the truth of what we're thinking; in other words, we're asking them in a round about way to take control and keep us safe.


I hope your therapist is able to find the right balance of support and care for you. I'm glad you're scheduled for the DBT group, but sometimes we're too unstable and unsafe to be out there on our own, especially when we're having suicidal thoughts and feeling the pressure to let others who care about us know about them. Take care.

You might be right part of me might be screaming for more help but a big part of me never wants to go to the hospital again and I keep telling her that.

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[Crook32]

Originally Posted by substancelessblue

I'm kind of in a similar situation, and I'm sorry for what you're going through. If you don't cancel and go to the appointment, can you tell her you're feeling like pushing her away? Is it maybe that you're trying to push her away in the hope that she will push back harder, and actually prove she cares or has trust in you? I myself often test boundaries like that, and waiting for my next session I can see that's how it'll go down for me.
I wonder what she would say if you told her your thoughts about the cops being likely to be waiting for you. She might reassure you or find a way to keep you safe that would be less difficult for you. To be honest I know these difficulties with T's are some of the hardest, because they are supposed to be the one person we can trust. I wish you all the best.

Sorry that you are having problems too.

I told her today that I was pushing her away and everyone else. She said she is relentless and not going anywhere.

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[Cinnamon_Stick]

Originally Posted by Crook32

I emailed my T and told her what my new plan was that I wouldn't tell her about in session. She knows I am struggling. I am actually surprised she hasn't called the cops on me yet. I have gone home a few nights expecting them to be there waiting for me.

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Can you call her? I think you really need to talk to her more about this. A phone call is better than email but not as great as in session. Can you have an emergency session? The most important thing is to stay connected with your therapist so you don't feel so alone. That is what helps me when I am feeling suicidal.

[Crook32]

Originally Posted by Cinnamon_Stick

Can you call her? I think you really need to talk to her more about this. A phone call is better than email but not as great as in session. Can you have an emergency session? The most important thing is to stay connected with your therapist so you don't feel so alone. That is what helps me when I am feeling suicidal.

I could call her but I am seeing her again tomorrow so I think I can wait and I don't want to bother her. I guess I will try some of the suggestions from DBT group last night to help me get through.

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[Crook32]

I think maybe I am asking too much from my T. I think I am just too much for her. I need a higher level of care but I just am not ready to go there just yet. I really wish I could see my T more but I already see her twice a week.

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[Cinnamon_Stick]

How are you today Crook? I really hope things get better for you fast!

[kecanoe]

Originally Posted by Crook32

I think maybe I am asking too much from my T. I think I am just too much for her. I need a higher level of care but I just am not ready to go there just yet. I really wish I could see my T more but I already see her twice a week.

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You could ask for more sessions. Or if you think you are too much for her, how about adding another t?

Hope things are better today.

[Crook32]

Originally Posted by Cinnamon_Stick

How are you today Crook? I really hope things get better for you fast!

I saw my T again today. She would like me to go to the hospital. I refused but I gave her permission to call my wife and Dr. My Dr appointment got moved up from Monday to tomorrow. I don't know exactly what my T told my Dr or wife yet.

[Crook32]

Originally Posted by kecanoe

You could ask for more sessions. Or if you think you are too much for her, how about adding another t?

Hope things are better today.

I just started a DBT group so I kind of do have another T but we have only met once so far.

I was feeling a little unstable after seeing my T today.

[kecanoe]

Glad you saw her today-sorry it left you feeling unstable. I hate that.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

Originally Posted by Crook32

I saw my T again today. She would like me to go to the hospital. I refused but I gave her permission to call my wife and Dr. My Dr appointment got moved up from Monday to tomorrow. I don't know exactly what my T told my Dr or wife yet.

Would you ever go to the hospital on your own? I am sorry your session made you feel worse. I hate it when that happens. I hope you are ok. Please stay safe.

[Crook32]

Originally Posted by Cinnamon_Stick

Would you ever go to the hospital on your own? I am sorry your session made you feel worse. I hate it when that happens. I hope you are ok. Please stay safe.

No I would not go to the hospital on my own and my Dr today said that him and my T were counting on me letting them know when it is time to go and I told him I couldn't do that. So he added Mirapex to what I am already taking and went over my other options none of which were great. They all require me to take time off of work and I am not sure I want to do that right now.

So my options were:
Do another full course of ECT, which was his first choice.
Do a Ketamine drug trial.
Change to an MAOI but to do that I have to go off all my current meds for a week and he wants me at least in a day hospital to do that.
And of course there is inpatient.

Not sure what to do and he wants me to call him in a couple of days with my thoughts.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

Originally Posted by Crook32

No I would not go to the hospital on my own and my Dr today said that him and my T were counting on me letting them know when it is time to go and I told him I couldn't do that. So he added Mirapex to what I am already taking and went over my other options none of which were great. They all require me to take time off of work and I am not sure I want to do that right now.

So my options were:
Do another full course of ECT, which was his first choice.
Do a Ketamine drug trial.
Change to an MAOI but to do that I have to go off all my current meds for a week and he wants me at least in a day hospital to do that.
And of course there is inpatient.

Not sure what to do and he wants me to call him in a couple of days with my thoughts.

I think its good that you were honest with him. Only you know what is best for you. I think you should let him and your T know if you need to be in the hospital. They care and want you to be safe. You deserve safety.