I'm such a ****** to T

I'm not saying a T should tell clients they're are trying to get pregnant. But she could have told me at the intake that in the upcoming year she will have about a 5-month break from work and that I'll have to transfer to a new T. She doesn't have to tell the reason. But that way I would had a choice. If I want to transfer to a new T during my treatment or if I wanted to start straigth away with a new T. Now I don't have a choice.

I now know what if I would ever start with a new T, I'll ask if that T is planning a long leave from work for in the upcoming year.
For some it maybe isn't so hard to change T's, but for others it is. I'm used to this T. I trust her. We've been working on several things. I'm not well yet, but I'm doing a little bit less bad than a year ago. Changing T's... It took me a long time to trust this T and to be confortable enough to tell her things and it's still not always easy. It will be very hard to start again with a new T. A year ago I didn't really had anything to lose, but now. If this new t is bad or not helpful for me, then I can get a setback. I've had several T's who were bad or not helpful, so I know it's possible.
And during the time T is aways there will be several things that are difficult for me and I need some support with that.

If I had know this, then maybe it would have been better for me to start with a new T from the beginning. I can't be sure about that because I can't go back in time, but this situation is causing some issues for me and my treatment.

A year? That's long. Here it's 16 week paid leave.

Was your T actually pregnant at the time you started seeing her? If so, yes, she should have let you know. If not, how exactly do you expect her to predict such a thing? Even if she planned on getting pregnant, there was no knowing she would actually get pregnant, how long it would take to get pregnant, even if she'd be able to get pregnant even though she had other children. Even if she's had children before, it doesn't always work out quite the same the next time around. These things, as much as we'd like to think they are entirely predictable, just aren't, even for the people getting pregnant. My first time I got pregnant practically the moment I thought about it. The second time took quite a long time. Just no way to really know.

She has no obligation to let you know she is planning to try to get pregnant. That's her personal business and her medical business which she has a right to keep private. If this is such an issue for you, don't see female therapists. But male therapists can take family leave too. Or they can have medical issues that crop up. People have life events that can pull them away from their jobs for fairly long periods of time. They get ill. Family members get ill. Parents age and need tending. These events are part of life. No professional can guarantee that nothing will happen to call them away for even long periods of time.

I don't see why pregnancy wouldn't be a wrench for many clients. Not only does it mean maternity or paternity leave and time off for the therapist, but it means the therapist now has a major distraction in their life, plus a new person in it that the client may be jealous of.

The nature of this job is that sometimes clients have issues with therapists' life journeys. I think therapists should be more aware of this. This therapist to me has been doing everything professionally, but doesn't seem to have understood that her pregnancy could elicit strong emotions in clients. I'm kind of glad Chummy told her.

And I think it is a good idea to ask any future therapists about planned extensive time off. Not just those who are of childbearing age and their spouses, but anyone close to retirement age, say, or you might find out the therapist takes a lot of vacations.

Yes, I would find it wrenching if my therapist were not to work for a few months. I am grateful he tends to take very little time off. He has told me that he believes therapists need to take their time away very seriously, and he once expressed frustration about therapists who do not work hard enough to stay consistent for their clients. His commitment to our work means an awful lot to me.

If I were ever to work with a new therapist, my first question would be how important they regard consistency in appointments.

Chummy's already been through one pregnancy with this therapist. She knows she has a daughter. Her therapist already has that distraction to start with. This isn't really about the pregnancy or the baby. It is about Chummy feeling like she's not a priority.

Of course Chummy should be open with her therapist about her feelings, but Chummy also needs to realize that there is a reality in life that life just isn't always particularly predictable and that any therapist, doctor, coworker, etc. can be called away for a variety of reasons. No one can promise they won't be called away, nor can anyone with any real accuracy predict when or if that will happen all the time.

Her therapist isn't abandoning her even if it feels that way. Her therapist has other therapists who are available for Chummy during this time. Of course that isn't the same, but that's the reality of the situation. Chummy has the option to find a completely new therapist if this is unacceptable for her, but I don't think that is what she wants to do. She's upset right now because of the impending break they are going to have to take -- rightfully so. But it isn't something the therapist can change for Chummy, so Chummy is going to have to reach a place of acceptance of the situation. She's not there yet, but she'll get there and find a way to manage with another therapist during the break perhaps or maybe she'll handle things on her own for a few month.

Chummy, I know this is hard for you because you feel like your therapist did this TO you and doesn't care about you. But I suspect you really know differently. Your therapist has worked with you a long time. You know she cares and you know this pregnancy is not about you at all; it is about your therapist making life choices for her own happiness and future. You know that. I hope you can find a way to get beyond the fear and anger and work on what your options are for the coming months. You can make positive decisions about if to see someone else in the meantime and if so, who to see. You can make positive decisions about how to manage your anxiety, how to see this situation through in the coming months, whether to return to this therapist or whether to change therapists altogether.

It's not about feeling I'm not a priority. I know I'm not a priority for her. I'm work. There would be something wrong with her if she would think work is more important to family. I do want her to find me important, but as a client and a little bit more important as her other clients.
It's just that I think my T didn't think this through. I don't said she should tell clients she's planning on getting pregnant, just that with clients she know are going to have long treatment, she could have mentioned she will be teaking a long break in the upcoming year. She doesn't need to tell the reason. And yes, there can happen things that are unpredictable like sickness or death, but I'm not talking about that.

A T is something else than a dentist or a hairdresser. With a T you get really personal. That's not easy for most people. Lots of clients need consistency in therapy. If you want to become a T, you should know you can't just take lots of time of, unless you inform your clients from the start, then they can make a choice if that's ok for them.

btw; I'm not jealous on the new person. I do get jealous on her other clients sometimes, but not on her kid or something. I only want my T as a T, I don't want her to be my mum or sister.

And I was an idiot for not asking if there was a possibility she would be away for a long time. There were a few things said that made me think she wouldn't get pregnant in that year.

And maybe lots of clients don't have any issue with changing T's, but some have. I have. I don't open up easily. I don't trust easily. And I definitely don't trust T's. I've had some bad/unusefull T's, so I know it's very hard to find a good T. And building a relationship/trust with a new T takes lots of time, for me at least. And I've some things coming up in the months after T leaves. And eventhough I will have a T, it will be hard to get through it because I don't know anything about that T. And I don't really have much support outside therapy.

But let's keep it at this. Some will disagree, some will agree and others will see something in both. This is just my opinion and that won't change.

But why would she have to tell you this? If she's not pregnant when you start with her, she doesn't have any real idea if she'll even get pregnant in the next year much less have a baby in the next year. You are asking her to predict the rather unpredictable. If she said I "might" have to take a long break in the next year, that isn't decisive. Should she lose potential clients on the chance that she "might" have to take time off? What if she didn't get pregnant? What if she changed her mind?

Coincidentally at church today a couple shared their story. They had two children and decided to try for a third. First two pregnancies happened easily and without trouble. This third time didn't work out that way. They went through 4 miscarriages over a period of three years before they even held a pregnancy. Then, when she finally did get pregnant and didn't miscarry, she was diagnosed with placenta previa at about 19 weeks. They had to deliver the baby extremely premature. The mother nearly died in childbirth. They baby was in the NICU for 5 months, went through multiple surgeries, and didn't come home for nearly a year. If this woman was a therapist and had told clients, I might need to take a few months off when she first decided to even try having a 3rd pregnancy, that would have been years of lost time as it wasn't until almost 4 years later that she even got pregnant. So, perhaps she would have waited until she did get pregnant. Great, but even then she had no way of knowing she would be unable to even make it through her pregnancy full-term and would have to completely stop working to care for a very ill child.

Your therapist did only what she could realistically do with any certainty. She let clients know when SHE knew she was pregnant and that the pregnancy was viable. That's the best she could really do with any accuracy.

I don't think that a therapist might lose business to those who wanted more of a certainty the therapist was not actively trying to do something that would cause her to take off a great period of time is a reason not to warn clients up front.
I choose therapists long past childbearing age. Children are not the thing I am willing to negotiate with a therapist so I choose ones where it is highly unlikely to come up.

In your posts on this subject, Chummy, I think you've been impressively honest about your feelings and also clearly felt you didn't really have a right to them, at least not in their depth. You know what you can and can't ask of your therapist. I think it's great that you've asserted yourself and expressed those feelings, rather than just trying to suck it up. I think self-assertion's a great thing to practice in a safe space like your therapy. So kudos to you.

Here, in the US, I took 12 weeks--I think the first week was vacation/sick days (so regular pay), then I got like 7 weeks of short-term disability (I think it's 60% of your regular pay?), then the rest was unpaid... And I only got the 7 weeks of paid disability because I had a C-section--otherwise, I think it would have only been 5. Maternity leave sucks in the US...

I empathize with how you feel. I've been through pregnancy of one therapist, and the death of another, feeling major abandonment each time.

I would just encourages you or anyone to realize that we can't control what happens in another's life. When my last therapist said she would not abandon me I knew she meant it, but she also taught me that there are situations and decisions that are not static with time: death, illness, kids needs, moving — change of plans. IMHO.

I hope you find find some peace to get through.

5 would be a bit short, I think. But if some countries have 1-year leaves and it's paid, that's a bit too long. I think 16-weeks is long enough, at least paid. My T's using her vactiondays also (which is also pay), so she's a bit longer away than 16 weeks.

1 year certainly doesn't feel long enough once you have a kid

It upsets me so much whenever I hear about the maternity leave situation in the US. It's so unfair.

In Norway you get 49 weeks, usually. The mother goes on leave three weeks before the due date, and also gets at least the first six weeks after the child has been born. Beyond that, both parents need to take at least 10 weeks off each. If the father doesn't take his 10 weeks, those weeks of paid leave will be lost. Most will take longer than the 49 weeks, though.

Before 1990 it used to be just six months, and because I was born two weeks late I had to go into daycare when I was five and a half months old. I was a very sensitive child, and strangers scared me, but my mother wasn't in a position where she could afford to take more time off from work. I developed separation anxiety, and this may have played a part in the onset of my childhood bipolar disorder. Not saying I wouldn't have ended up bipolar anyway, but I was the only one who was sent to daycare that early; I have three sisters who stayed home until they were at least a year old, and they are all mentally healthy.

The first year of a child's life is crucial. The first three years are formative years, and so much more important than most people seem to be aware of.