I'm such a ****** to T

Maybe some have read my rambles in a other topic.

I'm such a mess. I'm acting like a mean girl.
A few weeks ago my T told me she's pregnant and will go on leave. Since then I've been an even bigger mess than before. I'm feeling anxious, angry, sad, hurt, abandomed.
My T has been a really good T to me. She's trying to help me with getting a new T. She has someone in mind who works where she works. She's trying to help me with my anxiety about it. I don't have good experiences with previous T's, so I'm really scared I'll relapse with this new T. I'm scared I don't like her, she won't understand me, etc.

I've angry feelings towards her because she's leaving me. I feel hurt and abandoned. I know she isn't really abandoning me, but it feels like she does.

In the middle of the night I was feeling really low again and I wrote an email which I actually sent to her. It was very angry. I said ''I quit''. Today in the afternoon I got a reply and it made me cry so much and I feel so guilty. I still need to cry about it. She reacted ''normal'', she wasn't a mean back to me. She was a bit shocked by what I've written and by the conclusion I got about her. That my email gives her the idea she can't bring me on other thoughts about it. That because of her pregnancy I don't see her as a good and reliable T any more. She has tried to give her best in helping me these past years. She hopes I will change my thoughts about quiting and hopes to see me Friday, even if it's just to say goodbye and leave on good terms.

I don't want to quit at all. I'm mad because she's leaving. I'm hurt. And she... I don't know. It seems like she's just fine with leaving and with leaving me. I get it, I'm just a client.
Maybe I want to much. I want things she doesn't or can't give me. I don't want her to be more than my T. I just want a little bit more from her. I want to know what she thinks about me. I want to be her favorite client. I want to know if she cares about me. I want a hug after a session in which I've cried. I want to know a little bit more about her.
But above all, I don't want to lose her just yet. I still need her.
To go through weeks and weeks without seeing her, I don't want that yet. I can't.

I want her to not let me stop.

This email was maybe a bit too harsh. It are things that keep coming back in my mind. ''She's leaving me. She doesn't care. I'm a lonely mess and she's happy at home with a family.''

I need to send her an email back. I'm trying to write it.
I'm just so tired from everthing. I'm hurting. I feel lonely. Hopeless. I just can't handle this.

Oh, Chummy.

It sounds like you don't want to stop. I don't think it sounds like your therapist wants you to stop either. I think it's considered unethical for therapists to try to stop clients from leaving their practices, so I don't think it means anything at all if she doesn't seem to be trying to stop you from no longer seeing her.

I also think it might have been a good thing to send that email, if it showed her the depths of your pain the way this post does. She's not going to change her plans, but it should make her more sensitive and more determined to find a good replacement therapist for you. And when she comes back in the fall, it might help your relationship then as well. I think therapists often don't realize the depths of a client's emotions, especially when they themselves are causing that emotion. Hopefully she does now.

You know, you can ask what she thinks of you. And you can ask if she cares about you. (I would say she does based on your posts.) Does she hug? You can ask for that too.

I would just keep a reply email short. Say you'll come on Friday, but obviously there are things you two need to discuss.

Sounds here like your t does care about you. Your t is trying to help you as best she can. I know you're scared, but you have no choice but to move forward. Trust your t. Why not let yourself see the new t she has in mind for you. This t is being hand picked by your current t for a reason. So, what if you do like her? What if she does understand you?

Again, sounds to me like she does indeed care about you. A t that doesn't care about a client doesn't do these things.

Then don't quit. I would think she is just fine leaving her work to enjoy the gift of her newborn baby. She is planning to leave you in good hands, is she not? Just because you are a client doesn't mean she doesn't care. The situation is not going to change. It sounds like she is doing everything she can to help you through it successfully. That is caring.

Have you outright told her what you want here? Have you asked her for a hug? Have you ever asked her anything about her? She can't know what you want unless you tell her.

Yes, you can. You will find your strength. Your t is doing all she can to make sure you are well taken care of in her absence. She isn't going to beg you to not quit therapy. She is treating you like an adult whom can make their own decisions, respectfully. Honestly, you are very fortunate to have a t that cares so much about you. I hope you can find a way to let gratitude and joy (for your t) into your heart because it will help lead you to acceptance. Once you have acceptance, the rest will fall into place with ease.

I think its good you got your feelings and anger out. Its ok to be upset or mad at your T. They expect that from time to time. Your feelings about her leaving due to maternity leave are ok. I had the same feelings when my T had hers. I was so upset that she was leaving me when I needed her that I took a break from therapy. This was years ago and I am still with her and things are awesome.

It is clear from your T's response that she does indeed care for you. Its in her actions. She wants to see you Friday. I think seeing care in actions means more than words but thats just me. Sure the words are amazing to hear but actions show so much more.

I really think you should go to your session on Friday and talk about this more with her in person. Then you can decide if you truly want to quit. She wants you there and you want to be there so you should go and tell her everything you want to. She can only help if she knows exactly whats going on for you. I hope you go and work this out with her. I am rooting for you!

This is all good stuff to work through so don't beat up on yourself!! I would be so pissed and jealous if it happened to me. I agree that your T does care for you--rage away, she can take it.

This is the second time. The first time my T was pregnant I wasn't that attached to her. But I didn't want to start over with a new T. And I was already for about two years in therapy and I was doing a bit better, so I quit therapy. I quit way before she went on leave.

But this time it's much much harder. It was so unexpected for me. And I'm not doing well. It's not as bad as a year ago, but I really can't go without therapy yet. And to start over with a new T now...

I hope she can take it. I've never been really angry with her.

I've sent my T an email. I kept it short, just a short reply in the things she wrote. And I got an email back saying she's happy yo get this email and that I gave a little bit more explanation and that we will talk more about it in the session.

Something my T reminds me of, if she's going to be away: She tells me I did nothing wrong, and it's not my fault. That way it feels less like a punishment, like she's leaving me because I did something wrong. It's an old feeling, rearing its ugly head in today's reality. You have every right to feel what you feel, and may I suggest that you talk to your T about it? When is she going on leave?

I can relate to the feeling that you're being "mean" to your therapist. After my uni therapist said "I love you" I actually lost my s h i t. I became really depressed, tried to quit, and then I got angry. I've been horrible to her. I accused her of lying to me, and generally just behaved like a total twat. I had an absolutely insane reaction to it. I couldn't digest it, and I feel really ashamed of it now but at the time I could not control my emotions.

I think the same is true for you, with your therapist going on maternity leave. You're having a reaction to it, and sometimes we can't control that. The feelings are too intense, and they just have to come out somehow. You need time to digest. Don't feel bad about that.

Ask her if you two can keep emailing while she's on break. She might not--babies are little time suckers.

The session was sort of good. We talked about the email and my anger and also about other feelings.
About my email; she said it had upset her and she was a bit hurt by it. She couldn't just let it go like that, leave her thoughts/feelings about it at work. It was hard for me to hear that, I had to cry, I felt so bad. I already felt bad, I felt I was a bit to harsh for someone who tries to help me the best she can as a T. But I'm also ''glad'' she told me. I wanted a bit more honesty, not just about my email, but about everything in therapy. Not only hearing her as a T, but also what she personally thinks. I know therapy ahould be about your feelings, but in some situations it can help to hear about T's thought. At least for me. Especially when it's about her and me.
She could understand that I wanted a little bit more ''human'' and not only T. She said that sometimes it must feel a bit unfair that I tell lots of personal things while I know almost nothing from the person sitting across from me.
This I also told her; from my experiences, from what I've seen/heard in therapy, it seems like my T's are never touched or something. So I feel like T's have learned to not take things a clients say personally. That they can sort of shut their feelings and that they can leave their work at work and don't think/worry about clients outside of work. T said it was kind of true, because when you take everything with you, you can't keep dong your job as a T. You will get a burn-out. And I get that, but sometimes it feels to me like they don't really care.

There were other things discussed. What felt good to hear was that she does thinks differently about a client she has had for years, like me and a client she only has for about 3 months. That an email like this does more to her when it comes from me, who has been her client for years, then when it would come from a client she has only known for about 3 months or something.
She said she's trying her best to help with this transition, not only because she's my T, but also because she's thinks it's important. She wants me to see getting ''better'', and she doesn't only want that because she's my T, but she as a person wants that. It felt good to hear that.
She also said that she would never leave me.

I know actions say more than words, but it's also good to hear it being said. What I see is that she's a good T and she tries to do her work good. But that doesn't say that she really cares about me. Just that she's doing her job like she should do. Like, I can act kind/polite to people and those people might think I like them, but I actually don't like them at all. So it is good to also hear her say it.

I can always send her emails, but we agreed I won't send angry emails like that anymore, because it isn't nice for her and it's also not nice for me.
After that session I didn't felt anger like I did after all the sessions since she told me her news. I also haven't felt much anger or other strong feelings since yesterday. I do feel a bit low and I really really don't like it that she's leaving, but at least my feelings aren't so out of control.

I've already talk about soemof my feelings/thoughts. It's hard because it's also about her. If it would be about someone else it wouldn't be so hard to talk to T about it.
Whenever my T is going away, is doesn't feel like punishment to me but like she doesn't really care about me. I know she also deserves vacation, but going aways for 5 months...
Her leave starts at the start of April

thank you

I didn't really wrote nice things in my email. She was a bit hurt by it. I said that leaving a clients in the middle of their treatment is one of the worst things a T can do. She shouldn't have taken me on as a client when she would get pregnant that year. And I wrote that maybe I should study psychology so I can learn to don't get emotions when someone tells me something emotional or has criticism for me.

A bit too harsh, for her. I don't have a good opinion about T's, but she has been really good to me.

I don't think she would do that. Free from work is really free from work for her. She doesn't check her emails outside of her workhours or during her vacations. So I don't think she would do anything of work during this baby thing.
I don't have kids (too young) but how can babies be so much work? Most of the times they're sleeping, aren't they? That's what I've heard.

Therapists are human as well. My uni therapist has said that my emails worried her, and made her sad. She also says that I have no reason to feel ashamed, because in the emails she sees symptoms of my illness. They are written from a place of sadness and despair, not out of meanness.

Having an emotional reaction doesn't make you mean. It's okay. We all have our emotional reactions, and then we work through them. I've personally found that process very healing, as it has enabled me to move forward.

I don't have kids either (can't), but I've been around my sister's new babies. Yes, they sleep, but to no one's schedule but their own - you can't plan a thing. When they're hungry, they have to be fed, and they're hungry A LOT. And when they are sleeping, you have to catch up on the enormous amounts of laundry they create, and do all the other normal household stuff. Or, you could try to snatch a shower or a nap of your own while they're asleep and inevitably they wake up in the middle of it and fuss.

Babies are exhausting.

Then you've been listening to idiots. I have three and if you at least attempt to do it right, they are work at all stages, but especially so when they are infants.

In my view, people get to have families in the way they want to have them or when they want to have them, and nobody needs to inform anyone (boss, coworker, or clients) that they plan or are having a baby or otherwise are expanding their family. Thinking that you have the right to be informed about whether or if your T is having a baby or plans to seems right on the edge of the kind of relentless entitlement that can drive anyone crazy. I'm not saying that you believe this or are relentlessly entitled, but IMO no one has to tell anyone about their family planning (or lack thereof.

I think this is a bit unreasonable. As a therapist you are working with vulnerable people, and these people depend on you. It's the nature of the relationship. So in my opinion the client definitely has the right to know if the therapist is having a baby. It makes no sense to claim that they don't, because it significantly affects the client. Also, the client is paying the therapist for a service, and they invest a lot of time and energy into it, so don't you think they deserve to know in advance if their therapist plans on taking a break from their work?

Also, consider the fact that some of these clients have severe abandonment issues. How can a therapist spring maternity leave on a client who is there to work through something like that? It's a relationship that's supposed to be based on trust… where's the trust in that?

I do agree that a therapist has the same right as every other person on the planet to choose when and how to expand their family, but I don't think it is too much to ask that they inform their clients of what's to come.

That said, it seems like Chummy's therapist is trying to make sure that she'll be in capable hands during the five months that she will be gone. She sounds like a good therapist who is capable of holding Chummy's emotional reaction while she works through it. From what I can see, she is getting there; she is acknowledging that she's been angry and has said hurtful things that were too harsh. She seems to be saying that she regrets it. We can't always control our emotions, and the idea that we should be able to do that is what keeps the stigma alive re: mental illness. Let's not do that to each other, okay? Especially not here.

Newborns are utterly exhausting. Mom is a non-stop feeding source and newborns are constant eating machines. Every couple of hours (if you are lucky) round the clock, 24/7, for months on end. Nothing happens without the baby's schedule coming first, and life is HUGELY different with a baby than without. That's with a baby without any complicating factors such as colic or reflux to add to the exhaustion. Babies consume every bit of time and energy for a new parent.

I think that perhaps it wasn't clear from my post (I think it was, but then I know what I meant) that I was referring to the right to know that a T was "planning" on becoming pregnant, not that a T was "having a baby" as in already pregnant and comfortable sharing that information with clients, which is usually after the first trimester, which is exactly what the OP's therapist did. The right to know anything else is what I was referring to, and what I think was obvious from the OP and my post itself. I do not believe that clients are entitled to pre-notice of planned or unplanned pregnancies or anything else about a T's family. I don't have any problems with clients expressing their upset about a T's pregnancy or anything else that impacts them, but believing it's your right to be notified that you T may or may not have a baby in the foreseeable future is not correct.

I do not appreciate your shaming lecture about stating my opinion, which was just that, an opinion and not a truism. IMO what keeps the stigma of mental illness alive is the relentless entitlement that can sometimes be displayed by said group of people.

I was not trying to shame you. You have the right to express your opinion, of course, and I apologise if I made it sound like I thought differently.

You did say "nobody needs to inform anyone (boss, coworker, or clients) that they plan or are having a baby". That implied, to me, that it is a therapist's right to keep things like that to themselves. I understand that the first trimester is a time of uncertainty, however.

I agree that the OP has seemed unreasonably angry about her therapist's pregnancy, but I usually try not to judge other people's emotional responses. Instead I trust that they will work through it, and learn from it.

Also, I believe you have it the wrong way around about stigma, but, again, you have a right to your own opinion, however much I disagree with it.

Aside from anything else, I'd be glad not to live in the UK or Canada where they get a year off on mat leave. (or other places in europe)

I don't really get the accusation of entitlement. I am not sure the general public really thinks of mentally ill people as entitled. I don't see entitlement as a big problem here in any case. I think it's that the OP is in terrible pain and feeling abandoned.

I feel like you are doing the right thing by taking about it and working through it, Chummy. I am sorry you are hurting so much. It sounds like you and your therapist have a good relationship and I hope that you will be able to resolve it a bit before she has to go away.

I think the feelings are perfectly valid and that the idea of therapy is that the client gets to express those feelings which are not nice or politically correct or even reasonable - to the therapist. From what those guys keep telling me - feelings don't have to be reasonable.