Transference in Therapy. How to discuss it?

I'm currently going through intensive therapy to deal with a few issues. My T is very, very good, I like her and I'm coming on leaps and bounds.
However, I think I'm going through some transference phase? My mother passed away 6 years ago and I see my T as a mother figure and I'm scared of her leaving even though there's no reason for me to be thinking this way.
I need to bring this up with my T but I really don't know how to. I'm afraid of scaring her off in a way and it changing her view of me and our therapy relationship.
Can anyone advise me on how to bring it up?
How to get the conversation started?
I've read up about transference so i know a little bit, but I've read stories of therapists not being able to deal with it.
Do I check with my T first to see if she's comfortable discussing transference and counter-transference?
Is it ok for me to ask her about her transference?
I feel like I'm in a bit of a dilemma about this and any advice would be very helpful and appreciated.

I think you should be able to feel safe to ask your T anything. I would especially bring up the subject of transference sooner rather than later, some T's actually "depend" on transference to help the process.

Talking to a T about our therapeutic relationship is the hardest thing I've ever talked about in therapy. In a way, therapy just added another issue to deal with in this respect...something I really didn't see coming.

Welcome to PC!

Hi ItJustIs, you are very kind to want to check in with your therapist about her comfort level. I'd hope she's fine with it since it is important, especially to you right now. My T is wonderful and is very comfortable talking about anything, including transference whether we call it that or not. It seems like the therapeutic relationship is the important thing anyway so I really wish you luck with this. Would you be OK giving us an update on how it goes?
Welcome to PC btw.

They are trained for this. I know it is difficult to talk about. I eventually brought up my transference issues with my T. He was not uncomfortable. He didn't judge me or shame me.we did not go into depth about it but I felt relief when I got it off my chest. Now I don't feel so self conscious or anxious about it. Good luck !

Thank you for your reply. I'm glad I found this site! I feel I can talk about anything with her so I'll bring it up and see how it goes from there.

It is very important to me, I just don't want her to think I'm weird or crazy thinking this way!
I'm not sure how to bring it up or start the conversation off? Do you have any tips?

That's good to know, thank you. I'm probably worrying for nothing. I just didn't expect this to have happened!

Transference is like the iceberg the Titanic hit. Only part of it is visible. The parts that are not visible are the 'negstive' aspects or the aspects we've been afraid off. I should imagine T is aware of what's been going on in the room. We act it out before we even talk about it.
But I don't know what type of therapy you are.
a skilled T will welcome any discussion on anything. The beauty of therapy

This is always a scary thing to bring and spoken about it with two Ts, my current one and a previous one. I just came straight out with it and neither of them seemed uncomfortable about. In fact, the first T said she has had a number of clients experience this issue and only one of them was unable to get past it. My current T has a bit of a different approach and asked me a lot of questions about it to try and find the deeper meaning behind it. She didn't seem surprised or shocked about anything I talked to her about.

I think you should just come straight and say it. You will anxious at first but hopefully once you have spoken about you will be glad you did and be proud of yourself. I'm sure your T would be proud of you too

It´s common to think of a T like a mother, a father or any other important person in our lives. I don´t think you should have to worry as the transference is a natural process and a good T should know how to handle that. Transference is always there to some extent and sometimes we feel it more intensively, like when transference is linked to a loss in life.

To me transference has to be accepted by the T and the T must also accept that the client becomes a bit dependent of him/her for a while and that such transference is worked through.

I don´t think you can or should hide your strong feelings, I know it´s hard to admit it to a T but perhaps you could say something short and simple like "in a way I see a mother figure in you" and then you could wait for your T:s response. I also think that a responsive T is already aware when this happens and that he/she already feels it even if the client hasn´t brought the subject up.

Thanks for your reply I've been thinking about how to broach the topic a lot these last couple days and with varied advice from the kind people here I think I know how to do it. Whether I chicken out or not is another story! I have wondered if she's picked up on it already as she's very switched on. She's a brilliant T and has been doing her job for 8 years so I'm guessing (hoping) she's been through this before.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

i texted my T in 2013 when he was on vacation that i felt paternal transference for him. we never discussed it in person because i asked him not to as i felt embarrassed about it. in 2014 i texted him telling him i felt like i love him like a parent. he said he was touched and that it wasn't wrong, and it was a good sign. 2 days ago i sent him an email telling him i wish he was my dad when i was little and how it breaks my heart to see how much he loves his step-kids. i got super distressed about sending it, extreme regret. he didn't answer my texts yesterday so i convinced myself i had ruined everything by saying those things. i met with him today and he told me that he felt the same way about his therapist. he said thats essentially what he is, reparenting me.. he told me it is very common and to be expected. he also told me that it makes me especially vulnerable because of my former T and what happened there.

im pretty shy about these things so i found it easier and safer to create distance around it by texting him. maybe you can write it down and give it to your T? i feel so relieved that i've finally told my T about it, and i hope your T knows how to deal with transference and helps you with it

Well, I'd hope she'd welcome you talking about something that's really important for you. Maybe you could preface it by saying that it *is* important to you and that you are concerned that she will think less of you for bringing it up. That way you are being honest with her - what more could a therapist (or anyone else) want from a person? Maybe you could ask if (when you bring it up) it is an OK time to talk about transference.

My transference was eating me alive and I didn't know how to handle it or if it was normal (at the time). The best thing I did was to tell my T about it. It was one of the hardest things ever to say it. She has been helping me through it.

If its easier for you, could you write or type it out and give it to your T to read?

Lots of good advice here so you probably don't need much more. But I thought I'd add how I approached my issues of transference with my therapist. It may or may not work for you.

I liked to ask questions about the therapy process in general, partly because I was curious and partly because i wanted to know what was "happening to me" in therapy. So when transference / countertransference made its way into our sessions, I started asking questions about therapy and attachment. I asked how my therapist knew where the line was -- in that clients (like me) likely need some degree of attachment to even want to keep showing up to sessions, but I asked if that was detrimental. (The answer I got was no, that there needs to be some connection between the therapist and client for there to be caring and trust.) Then I asked something like, "I'm always seeing issues of transference in movies and on TV shows about therapy and psychology." (Which was true.) So mainly I got the ball rolling by talking about the concept of transference and then I was able to say, "Well I sometimes feel that way, like I'm attached to you...etc...." That opened up the door to a personal conversation.

I was told that this stuff comes up all the time in therapy and that therapists spend lots of time learning about it. Transference isn't a problem. The only time it becomes a problem is if the therapist doesn't react to / respond to it correctly. But, from what I was told, it's very common and many therapist expect issues of transference to arise from time to time.

Good luck.

Don't be nervous. (Easy to say, I know.) To be fair, I was indeed nervous to bring it up. But I will say my therapist was very happy I did. He said, "You've one of the few people who's actually been willing to talk about what so many people are dealing with."

Sounds like you have a good therapist Sarah.

My T is so lovely. There have been things I needed to say in the past and told her I was worried about telling her and she said straight up "I won't judge you. You're safe here." So I guess that's already answered my own question about what she will think.
It's just a very difficult thing to talk about with it being related to a past & current pain and I just don't understand it at all.

Hoping she will give me some insight into this confusing phase I'm going through. I think I've already experienced her counter transference a couple of times but I didn't know it at those times! She kept it well hidden but I pick up on a persons feelings quite easily.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

It's good to know that it comes up all the time. But us as clients have no clue that's why we worry so much I guess. Thanks for your advice

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk