[PinkFlamingo99]

I'm sorry it took me longer to post than I said, the flu totally wiped me out

Possible trigger:

I also ended up in the ER for stitches... Clearly still struggling.

Thanks for thinking of me though!

I had gotten to the point where I was more stable. I've been doing therapy in the mornings and was working in the afternoons, which let me keep my job amd way more money than disability or anything. I hated a lot of things about my job and I was struggling, but after spending the morning in therapy it made me feel more normal to be at a "normal" job.

Anyway, I ended up missing 3 days of work (we get 5 days of paid sick leave per year), and was asked for a doctor's note. I missed these days because

Possible trigger:

i had slipped up and hurt myself badly and it was really painful to type with that many stitches in my arm

I brought the note to HR, from my pdoc but very vague, "PF missed work for a medical reason..." But at the top, pdoc's letterhead says hospital psychiatry, so it was obvious it was from my pdoc. A few days later, I was pulled into a meeting room, told a psych reason was not good enough to take 3 sick days, and fired. It was also extremely sketchy the way it happened. I was physicalky ill (feverish) by then, and so panicked and shaky My manager had to turn the page of the paperwork they wanted me to sign because my hands were shaking so much. I kept saying I felt too out of it to sign anything and I'd bring it back the next day, and was told I WASNOT ALLOWED TO LEAVE THE BUILDING until I signed it. I was also told if I didn't sign it right then I would lose my severence pay. I looked at the paperwork a few days later (my copy), and I signed something saying I was given a week to sign it and the opportunity to consult with a lawyer. I feel so stupid. Why didn't I protect myself? I was so sick and so anxious, but I'm so mad at myself.

I was having such a hard time dealing with this, also with the fact tbat a bunch of "friends" from work removed me from Facebook. Feeling targeted and hated. And, yes, I cut again. I don't know how my therapist has so much patience with me. She made me go to the ER for stitches but she never gets mad about thr cutting, just worried/scared/serious. My pdoc is more strict, I had to hear again about how it's medically dangerous what I do. The truth is I struggle to care sometimes.

I feel like this year has just been one thing after another. It's been a year and I still feel a lot of pain about my ex-therapist. I feel angry that she could do things that were so clearly unethical and walk away with no guilt. I take responsibility for my own stupid actions, but I think that is a huge part of what started me cutting really badly again.

My pdoc wants me to consider a subsidized job for people who are mentally ill. I really don't want to. Either way, I have unemployment insurance for awhile but I've been having such a hard time since I got fired. It's more time to keep myself safe and to keep my thoughts from getting really dark.

I feel like things will never be okay. I have so much anxiety in my stomach.

Possible trigger:

I'm having such a hard time with suicidal urges and they are really scaring me.

I wish there was more positive in this. Maybe it's positive that I'm out of that environment??

Thanks everyone for remembering me

[atisketatasket]

I think the title of this thread says it all: you still exist.

You're really tough, Pink. I admire you a lot.

(((PF)))

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

I think the title of this thread says it all: you still exist.

You're really tough, Pink. I admire you a lot.

Thank you. I hate myself so much right now. They keep trying to tell me I'm sick and it's my "responsibility but not my fault." But I get so vicious with the self-hatred when I mess up because it's me who buys razors, me who cuts, etc.

I asked my therapist how she doesn't think I'm worthless disgusting **** when I do this and she said "because I'm not you, nobody else thinks that." She says it makes her sad, it makes my pdoc sad and both of them scared but not mad or disgusted because it's an illness and I need to start feeling sad and scared but not condemning myself. It's so hard. My self-hatred is so intense.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

I am really sorry you are struggling Pink. I wish I had words to comfort you. I do think for what its worth that you are really strong and you have hung in there. You deserve healing and I hope you find it some day. Hugs to you!

[PinkFlamingo99]

I'm so lonely. My friend from work made plans then stopped answering her texts last night. Stood up.

I've barely had any human contact since I got fired. I feel worthless and I'm lonely and isolated and sad. I wish someone would invite me somewhere but I guess it's Ativan and Netflix. It's hard to feel like I'm worth anything when I'm so alone and people stand me up.

I meant to get some cleaning done too but that didn't happen. I didn't want to be at home.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

I think the title of this thread says it all: you still exist.

You're really tough, Pink. I admire you a lot.

Agreed a thousand percent! That situation with work sounds extremely terrible and maybe illegal? That is messed up. UGH. I woudl have panicked and not read anything either if it was me!

I am sorry you are feeling so lonely and isolated. Keep posting here.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by velcro003

Agreed a thousand percent! That situation with work sounds extremely terrible and maybe illegal? That is messed up. UGH. I woudl have panicked and not read anything either if it was me!

I am sorry you are feeling so lonely and isolated. Keep posting here.

Thank you! It was very hurtful and there was more to the situation but it was getting a little long there. But it's really really questionable in terms of legality. Even firing me for taking the sick days in my contract. Plus a pdoc is a medical doctor. I don't understand how they can decide what is a "good enough" medical note.

For history, this happened in the fall. My therapist thinks it might have had something to do with this in addition to my mental illness.

http://forums.psychcentral.com/psych...k-longish.html

The manager who was "so nice" was the one who wouldn't let me out of the building until I signed. Ouch.

[divine1966]

I am sorry pink

Mental illness should be good enough reason to miss three days especially if it was signed by a pdoc. I'd call a lawyer.

As about hate would you hate yourself if you had heart disease or kidney disease or G-d forbid cancer? That's illness. Not something you chose

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[LonesomeTonight]

Hi Pink,
Thanks so much for checking in with us. I'm so sorry you're still struggling so much. So are you still able to see your T regularly? I know you said before that if you went into the hospital program, you wouldn't be able to. So are you not in that program, or is your T making an exception?

So sorry you got fired from work. I don't know what laws in Canada are, but I'm pretty sure in the US, that would be an actionable complaint, like you could file a discrimation lawsuit. For a psych reason to be "not good enough..." I mean, a psych is a medical doctor. Could they be like "Well, Pink had the flu, but that's not good enough to miss work"?

Please try to care about and take care of yourself...

[PinkFlamingo99]

I'm still seeing my T and pdoc because there is actually a wait until August for this program and I normally wouldn't be in the groups yet either, but they went ahead and made an exception and put me in the groups now because my SH was so severe. I should say that this program is in the same small psych hospital where I am already followed in outpatient psych by my T and pdoc, so it's not as weird as it sounds. When I get to the top of the waiting list I have to switch i feel a bit better about it though because my T used to work in this program, and she said there is one psychologist in particular who she thinks I'd really like/get along with, and she asked her if she'd be my individual therapist instead of getting just the next available person. I feel a lot better with that. She keeps saying she wishes she could just keep me for individual therapy but the hospital has a lot of bureaucratic rules. So I'm kind of in the program but not officially. It would be nice if I could be doing well enough by August to not need to switch officially and just stay in normal therapy with her and drop the groups, but I doubt that will happen. My abandonment panic is already starting a bit.

[Gavinandnikki]

I was hoping you were inpatient because that's what I think you need. I'm sorry if that hurts your feelings.

[PinkFlamingo99]

I spent 3 days after the last SH incident but the hospitals here are useless. They want the beds free. The second they think you won't immediately kill yourself, they release you.

I think I need inpatient too, but they won't keep people here. The downside of socialized medicine. There's something like 50 psych beds for the whole city now, they keep cutting inpatient services. I get scared sometimes I can't stay safe and short stays don't help me stabilize much.

It's good to see you back PinkFlamingo.

I'm so sorry things have been rough. What your boss did really pisses me off. Mental Health is not separate from Physical Health, and I've never heard of a difference when missing work as you were "incacipated" for work.

Just because you signed that form doesn't mean you can't take any other action. It sounds like you were under duress at the time. They wouldn't even let you leave the building. The are really wrong. I would try to pursue your severance pay. If appeals to you, call NAMI. Fight for you, take the anger out on them, not you.

Hugs.

It's good to hear from you. Sorry you're hurting/struggling. And it's unfair of them to fire you.
Hoping the program helps you.

Hugs! Glad to hear from you, angry at your work!

[divine1966]

Tell lawyer that you weren't allowed to leave the building unless you sign and you were too ill to even know what you were doing which is true!!!!

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[PinkFlamingo99]

Thanks everyone. Both my therapist and pdoc think I was targeted. There is more to this story that makes it even weirder, but I have to leave for church soon. My T and pdoc both read my termination paperwork and freaked out about how crazy the stuff they made me sign sounds. Also, that nobody who was panicking that hard or physically ill, or forced to sign under duress can make that kind of decision for the signature to be valid... But as they both pointed out, neither of them are lawyers

I just wanted to let it go, but my therapist is encouraging me to at least consult with a lawyer because she says she thinks it will help me stop obsessing about the hurt and betrayal if I think about protecting my rights. She was disgusted and angry about the locking me in and refusing to let me out until I sign. She has thought my workplace was unhealthy and toxic for a long time (let's just say I did billing for a well-known adult entertainment website so it doesn't always attract the best people), but I liked the normalcy of working even though I've been so sick, and it's very very hard to find an English job where I live.

I'm a little worried because the manager and HR woman were both there as witnesses and can say I'm making this all up. Especially with my scars, I worry about people just saying, BPD = lying manipulator. Both my pdoc and my T have said they will stand up for me and say I don't lie.

I don't know, still at the point of being hurt??

I'm glad to see that you still "exist" and that you're hanging in there, PF. I'm so sorry that your employers were such s*#^s! It has got to be illegal what they said to you when your were in such a fragile and distraught place. I'm guessing that letting it go and not seeking out legal help feels safer right now, considering all the pressure you're under. It might, however, be helpful to you emotionally if you just seek out a consultation with a lawyer as your therapist has suggested. You don't have to bring a discrimination suit against your former employers unless you want to, but it might be helpful to just hear from a lawyer that what they did was wrong and illegal! Take care

[divine1966]

I would fight with these people via lawyer but would not work there. Can you do billing for other organizations like medical clinic etc

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[junkDNA]

You mentioned it's been a year since the incident with your ex T. It is totally understandable that you are still upset and affected by what happened a year later. It takes a lot of time to heal from these things and everyone is different. Try not to judge where you are today and think you should be feeling this or that by now. I know that's really hard to do though. It's been 6 years since I told about my former T. I can say that throughout all those years the intensity of my pain has lessened which I attribute to learning healthy coping skills... but it doesn't mean I don't still hurt sometimes over what happened. Healing and recovery journeys aren't linear...there are ups and downs and backwards steps... I hope you can find some compassion for yourself and what you've been through.

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[PinkFlamingo99]

Seeing my pastor always feels like coming home. She hugged me at the end of the service and whispered "sweetheart, everything will be okay. Please just stop worrying for awhile." And it made me so sad that she's retiring and leaving in June. I feel like the last thing I need right now is to lose someone I love who makes *me* feel loved. I'm sad and scared and it hurts.

Pink

[divine1966]

Sending hugs

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[PinkFlamingo99]

Thank God for Ativan.