I still exist!!!

My anxiety is so bad, it feels impossible to cope with. I'm afraid of what's going to happen to me.

Thank you! It seems ridiculous sometimes that it's taken me over a year just to get to *this* point because of a relationship that lasted just a little bit over 5 years. The worst part is the urge to reach out and tell her I miss her, but then I'm reminded of the things she did and the pain she caused me. And of course, I run the risk that she won't respond or she'll tell me never to contact her again, which would be the worst humiliation. I know she damaged me, but why do I miss her so much? It's so hard.

I am probably going to go on medical unemployment for awhile. After that, I'm not sure. To be honest, I was having a really hard time coping with working and how sick I've been.

I have such horrible fear/anxiety in my chest. So afraid. Afraid of getting partially better but not *really* better. Afraid of being "safe" but just as sad and hopeless inside. I think I'm more afraid of being outwardly/slightly better than I am of destroying myself. Does this make any sense at all to anyone but me? Because the real pain isn't these cuts or the danger I put myself in, it's this stabbing aching emptiness in my heart.



But I'm more afraid of ending up halfway better.

Pink, you knew ex T so well for 5 years! Of course it could take a while to heal. Please dont best yourself up.

If you were to get better, what would you lose that is so scary? What need is getting met by just doing what you're doing now? I can totally understand the fear of getting better so I am not judging you with these questions. I struggled with it a lot myself..

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Also... you don't have to answer these questions herw. Just something to think about. Or not!!! =)

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Just wanted to add that I also understand the fear of getting better.

I also have a general fear of happiness, because I feel like if I'm happy and things are going well, then the only way they can go is down. Like, I almost feel safer/more secure being depressed, though for me it's more of a cyclical thing, at least the more major depression--the generalized anxiety/panic, OCD, and some level of depression are always there, though. (And I know in terms of my marriage, I almost go into panic mode when H or MC says he thinks we're doing really well, too.)

I think it's not so much a fear of getting "better," but a fear of getting partially better or just better on the outside but still feeling as much pain on the inside. Being left to face it alone because I * look* okay but I'm still in agony inside.

Being in this much pain with no help and no way to get out of it



I'm not afraid of getting all the way better. I'm afraid of making progress, not cutting or taking better care of myself, and it not being enough to end this horrible pain inside of me. Because the other things are just symptoms of how bad I feel.

I can totally understand that. About eight years ago, I went into a residential program for an eating disorder that I had been struggling with for many years. When I came out, I found that I had very little support (I was going through the public system at the time and I no longer qualified as "sick enough") and my old coping behaviours didn't seem to work as well. I ended up escalating self harm secretly to cope, and now it's one of my main issues. Everyone on the outside thinks I am fine and should be fine, yet inside I'm still in extreme pain and feel more alone then ever. I'm working on it with a T, privately, but it's tough. So I totally relate and understand and hope we both can heal ourselves someday.

I'm in the public system as well, intensive outpatient psychiatry for both therapy and psychiatry. There is a cap on the program I am in now of 2 years which *already* makes me nervous because of how badly I am functioning right now. She has mentioned that 2 year limit being more of a break though, of 4 months to remind me I can survive without therapy and then I can start again but usually with just weekly (which I'm fine with I think by then). I need to ask again though, because it scares me too much. My T doesn't like to talk about the future like that a lot and reassure me about what will happen because I talk about the future *a lot* and she says between that and dealing with my SH, it's hard to work on anything else. It's hard to deal with that fear on top of everything else, especially since this is the best help I've ever gotten and I worry I'll waste my chance. I really do need to talk about this again though, I'm going to try to bring it up on Wednesday.

I'm sorry you're still struggling. Residential seems scary for that. I think good aftercare is just as important or even more important than the more intensive treatment period. I have huge abandonment fears and it's hard to go from all that to nothing, especially since improvement doesn'tvreally mean the same thing as recovery. Hugs.

I also did an intensive/daily program about 8 years ago and after 3.5 years of that was thrown out with no follow up care. I think that was the most painful thing I had ever been through. I was very young and got very attached, and I couldn't believe I was being sent out by myself with no follow up care (again, public system). It hurt so much I swore I would never go into therapy again. I didn't for 5 years until I started with my last therapist who damaged me so badly. It's hard.

(((Pink)))
That was a sh^t move your work pulled on you
Hang in there girl

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I feel sick with anxiety and I'm not even sure what it's from. I keep trying to stop crying. I've already used up my monthly Ativan supply. I'm going to see tomorrow if I can get my T to ask my pdoc for a few more because of the job issue (I only get 15/month).

I'm thinking bad thoughts, scared, wish I could stop worrying. My pdoc called it "anxious distress" in the paperwork for sickness benefits. Sounds accurate. I'm at the point where I would consider ECT if he ever suggested it.

At what point do you start wondering whether something is a physical issue or if it's anxiety? I've been having dizziness off and on for months (feels different from a panic attack, it makes it worse when I exert myself). The past 3-4 days have been so bad that when i climb thr few stairs to my apt, everything turns dark and my ears block. I've been trying to clean, and it's the same thing. I clean for a few minutes and then I get the darkening of vision/ear blocking thing and feel like I'm going to pass out. I have to put my head down and then my ears start ringing and eventually I feel more normal. The past 4 days it has been constant, I can't stand long enough in the shower to wash out my shampoo.

Has anyone had anything like this? Were you told it was anxiety? It's beginning to scare me a lot.

That doesnt sound like anxiety to me, that sounds like your blood pressure. If i were you, i would seek medical care immediately. If you dont feel safe to drive, call for an ambulance. You dont need to black out while driving and harm yourself and others.

Oh dear. I can imagine that sounds scary. It sounds like it could be a little bit of low blood pressure or a slow heart rate, perhaps? Could it be a side effect of your medication? But I imagine that many things could cause such symptoms. Do you think you might go to your GP and just rule out a few things? It does sound a scary thing to experience but most things tend to be far less scary when you find out what's behind them.

I'd definitely get that checked out by a medical doctor or really the ER at this point, if you can't even stand for a few minutes in the shower. That doesn't sound like a panic attack. Could be a heart or blood pressure issue. Or if it's more of a balance thing, could be...I think it's Meniere's disease, which is an inner ear issue that can make you feel like things are spinning (I watch too many medical mystery shows). Take care.

Sounds like abnormally low blood pressure

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Hope you're doing OK...Randomly, my T today happened to mention that a client had conversion disorder. I asked what that was, and she said it was severe anxiety that affected her somatically. I was like, "so like pains in the body?" She said it was more than that, how it caused her to feel dizzy and pass out at times, only she didn't realize it was happening. Like someone would say, "You just fainted" and she'd say, "No I didn't!" But the root cause was anxiety rather than a physical health issue. So I think you should definitely get checked out physically. But if nothing turns up, then maybe check into conversion disorder?

Thanks everyone. I have a blood test paper -- she said could be anemia (er... Some blood loss last week), and also a referral to a cardiologist and a neurologist. BP is on the low end of normal but my HR was up in the 120s.

My therapist had made me promise to go. Grrr. Her next request is a pap test because of that guy I got fired.

Please check everything. Whatever it is it's good to know is so you can treat it

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