[Paintedsmiles]

Hi, I am new here so bare with me!

In short I have anxiety/depression issues. I have had counselling before and I struggled. This time I was hoping would be different but I just freeze up in sessions. My third session my T told me that if I don't change and talk to her in the next session, I will have to leave, as she has a long waiting list. I left feeling incredibly guilty about attending, shameful of my actions, or lack of, and embarrassed.

My issue is, If somehow I manage to go in and talk like she wants, will she just think I've been fake and attention seeking?! If I don't, she'll sign me off, and I'm back to square one. I have a toddler at home to look after, I need to get better.

Thanks in advance xx

[doogie]

Hi and welcome. I'm sorry that your T has put such an ultimatum on you to talk. And after only 3 sessions - I have a hard time opening up to new Ts in the beginning as well. Please don't beat yourself up. Are you doing the best you can do in your session? If you are, you have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed of. You are simply moving at your own pace. There is nothing wrong with that. If your T doesn't have patience to work with you at your pace, that might be a red flag. I don't know. Of course, I wasn't there for the context. Hang in there and just do the best you can. Stretch a bit if you can to be open with her, but if it doesn't feel right, trust yourself about what to share. Again, welcome.

[emlou019]

I'm concerned about the 'ultimatum' that your t has given you. There should be no pressure at all in therapy. Especially as it is only your third session.

I had an awful time talking to my therapist, and was the main reason why I went into therapy. I would literally sit in my sessions and most of it would be in silence because I just would not open up or talk. I used to be so terrified to talk. About anything. My t would just sit and wait and perhaps prompt me now and again to help me along in the very first few sessions.

As doogie suggests, this may be a red flag if she is pressuring you and does not have the patience to sit with your silence. As silence says more than words can ever say!

[Waterbear]

That sounds really tough. As someone who is quite comfortable with the space that silence allows bits of me to process what is going on I would be very upset if I was given this ultimatum. Can you try and explain (in writing perhaps) what is going on for you during the silence. My T says that there are good silences and bad silences and we have come to the conclusion that most of mine are good. How do yours feel to you? Just some thoughts. Take care.

[Paintedsmiles]

Thanks everyone. The silences aren't great. As a child feelings have never been something I've been allowed to talk about, and she knows that. The main issue for her is, and I more than understand, that with me being in the UK and having been referred for counselling on the Nhs, there is a long waiting list of people, and we have limited sessions. This ofcourse adds to the pressure.

I have written some starting points down for next session, I just hope she will read them and start me off. The silences aren't good. I literally cannot speak. I get angry with myself for it, I try, but I just feel like I will vomit if I do. Sometime I can say the odd few words, sometimes I can whisper. I sound so pathetic!

I am so worried that If I can put a front on and really let things out after her reading my notes next week, she won't believe me.

She is so lovely. But I felt like a naughty child being told off in class this week!

Thanks again xx

[stopdog]

She gets paid either way -so her ultimatum is complete nonsense. I wouldn't put up with one who did that to me. It would demotivate me - not cause me to suddenly start talking. I hope you can find one who is not such a *****.

[missbella]

What you describe sounds shaming, as opposed to "meeting you where you are."

[Paintedsmiles]

I just typed a whole response but it didn't post!

Anyway, thanks everyone.

The silences aren't good. The trouble is that with me being in the UK and having been referred to counsellors on the Nhs, I have limited sessions and there's a long waiting list.

When I was a child I didn't grow up really being welcomed to talk about feelings, and she knows that. So when I am face to face with someone staring at me, waiting for me to just talk about myself, I freeze, I feel like I'll vomit if I speak. Sometimes I get a few words out, sometimes just a whisper. I know I sound pathetic.

I have written some stuff down. I am just worried that if that does get me talking, she'll think I was faking the silences or attention seeking or something.

Thanks

Xx

[Paintedsmiles]

She is lovely, and does want to help me, but she seems to be really frustrated with me.

Originally Posted by Paintedsmiles

Hi, I am new here so bare with me!

In short I have anxiety/depression issues. I have had counselling before and I struggled. This time I was hoping would be different but I just freeze up in sessions. My third session my T told me that if I don't change and talk to her in the next session, I will have to leave, as she has a long waiting list. I left feeling incredibly guilty about attending, shameful of my actions, or lack of, and embarrassed.

My issue is, If somehow I manage to go in and talk like she wants, will she just think I've been fake and attention seeking?! If I don't, she'll sign me off, and I'm back to square one. I have a toddler at home to look after, I need to get better.
Thanks in advance xx

Im guessing this was an NHS T right? In which case the T will probably be under pressure to achieve big results in a short space of time, and all sorts of financial pressure too. Can you afford to go private? A private person centred T would probably sit there for as long as it takes for you to feel able to talk. And then for as long as it takes for you to achieve whatever it is you want to achieve from going to therapy.

[Paintedsmiles]

Sorry I didn't realise both of my responses would appear. Yes, it is Nhs, but I can't afford to go private. I can't even afford the roof over our heads, part of the long list of reasons I'm in therapy! I'd need a third job! Xx

[Mondayschild]

Maybe her ultimatum is because of her shortcomings as a therapist. A trust needs to build in order to really share what's going on and she should recognize that and work on ways to help you get there. It took me 6 sessions to build up a small amount of trust just to share the film that overlays what's going on in my head. I was testing him and continued that type of testing for too long I suppose. Her frustration sounds like a personal problem and it also sounds like she knows the limitations to find another therapist in a short amount of time.

I think writing things out is a good idea, I hope the next session goes better!

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk

[Nammu]

Can you write down the things you need to talk about and how difficult this is for you?

[RedSun]

Hi Paintedsmiles

I'm in the UK, so I understand the limitations in place. I hear that you're worried that she will think you're fake if you start to come out with stuff now...I honestly feel that she will accept you and your process, but, in a way, does it matter? You have three sessions left, so if you can find any way to get something out, then the important thing is how it benefits you, and not how your T thinks of you.

You are not able to build a long term relationship with her, so if you can, try and focus on just your needs, and not her opinion of you, if you can. Writing things down may really help. I initially just wrote fragments, a couple of words, then T asked me a bit more...

Also, I've had good experiences talking to the Samaritans. Could you try them as a test run, get used to saying a few words before your next session?

Good luck!

[Paintedsmiles]

Thank you. I do feel that it's a pressure from her boss kind of thing. In the first two sessions she was lovely and patient and told me it was my time, I could do what I want with it. We even talked a bit more in the second session, not about anything deep. Then in this session I just got stuck so she threw this at me. Don't get me wrong, she was very kind about it, but it did make me feel like a child.

She has tried to coax words out of me, and sometimes it works, but I don't know how to progress onwards from simple answering her ocassional question.

I have written some things down so hopefully this will help.

Xx

NHS psychotherapy is so financially constrained that it's not fit for purpose. It's really saddening, but the only option in this country for most people requiring longer term therapy is to pay for a private therapist. Is this an option for you? If not, it might be worth looking at what charities can offer. Depending on your issues, there are various charities which could offer low cost or free counselling. Here's a list with a few possibilities:
UK-Wide Charities and Organisations | Sirius Project
Also it might be worth checking out what options there are locally.
I'm sorry you're going through this kind of situation. Mental health provision on the NHS is sadly woefully inadequate.

[Paintedsmiles]

Thankyou.

I will check out that link. The Nhs is a great thing, but you are so right Echos. I just don't know why I even bothered trying with therapy again.

Xx

Originally Posted by Paintedsmiles

Thanks everyone. The silences aren't great. As a child feelings have never been something I've been allowed to talk about, and she knows that. The main issue for her is, and I more than understand, that with me being in the UK and having been referred for counselling on the Nhs, there is a long waiting list of people, and we have limited sessions. This ofcourse adds to the pressure.

I have written some starting points down for next session, I just hope she will read them and start me off. The silences aren't good. I literally cannot speak. I get angry with myself for it, I try, but I just feel like I will vomit if I do. Sometime I can say the odd few words, sometimes I can whisper. I sound so pathetic!

I am so worried that If I can put a front on and really let things out after her reading my notes next week, she won't believe me.

She is so lovely. But I felt like a naughty child being told off in class this week!

Thanks again xx

I have a difficult time talking about lots of different issues and couldn't even bring myself to utter anything when I started this journey 23 some odd years ago ... I still have great difficulty with some things.

I used to write letters to my first therapist in between sessions and mail them to her ... We'd discuss them at the next session ... Perhaps that would help?

This one would be a good start ... It might help her to see how you are really struggling with this and how anxiety invoking her ultimatum was for you and how badly it made you feel.

Wishing you the best ...

Sincerely,
Pfrog!

Originally Posted by Paintedsmiles

Thankyou.

I will check out that link. The Nhs is a great thing, but you are so right Echos. I just don't know why I even bothered trying with therapy again.

Xx

Sadly we have a government hellbent on selling it off and a health secretary with little knowledge of mental health issues
If it's financially viable to look for a private or copay therapy option it's worth considering. I pay £40 per session for my private therapist and I have a friend who pays £20 at a charity which provides low cost therapy.