Advice regarding attachment

Hi all, I've posted on this site before, but I wanted to come to you guys with a more specific question. How do you talk about and how does your T address/help you work through having attachment towards her (specifically maternal attachment)? I find I keep talking about and wanting the same unrealistic things from her that she can't give and every session I leave very triggered and sad because of course I am reminded she can never fulfill that need. Do you guys have any advice on how to work through these things? Is it my responsibility to just accept and work through the pain or do Ts have a specific way of helping you (like talking about childhood, giving you the things you long for like hugs and such to hopefully satisfy the need, etc)? I just feel so lost and can't get over this hurdle. Every time I open up to someone (which is rare), I end up growing very attached to that person in a maternal way and that has happened with my T. Because I feel so hurt, she is thinking of passing me on to someone else because I can't seem to get better or move past this. And since I have experienced a therapist drastically terminating me before for this very reason, the bond between my current therapist has totally suffered because I don't know if or when she'll pull the rug out from underneath me as well. I don't want attachment to be associated with pain because it once felt good to be attached to her (it felt safe when she allowed the hugs), but now all I feel is pain and don't have any trust in her anymore because of how scared I am she will leave.

I sort of had the opposite problem - the woman kept trying to get me to attach to her in ways that just did not interest me at all. For me, the question was always why would I get attached to a stranger?

But for those who do it - some therapists seem to be better at helping than others. Some schools of therapy seem to think it more useful than others (psychodynamic versus CBT for example)

Sorry to hear you are having a rough time. I have no real experience I am afraid but can only offer my situation. What type of things are you wanting it needing that she cannot give? I have attachment issues you may say and actually started to attach to my T who, when I asked for her to hold my hand and help me connect and attach with her, realised that was what I needed and told me she can't offer it because she works for a charity and they do not fund it etc etc.

She has been very tolerant of this need though, actively telling me that I need to find someone to work with who will work with me using the attachment, nurturing touch, out of session contact, two sessions a week etc. So I have been asking new Ts upfront in my opening statement if this is a way that they work. Some do, some don't. Of those that do I see if I think we would fit, out of three so far only one didn't terrify me so I will see her again but I have another tomorrow.

I guess what I am getting at is that my T was confident that these needs were so deep seated and real for me that relationship progress was going to be better suited by having someone who could, in a limited way, meet these needs whilst working through all of the issues of my past and that she wasn't that person. To be honest, I emailed my T when I asked for it but the more people I ask about it the easier it is becoming and the less I feel (sometimes) that these needs are wrong or disgusting. Will take a long time for it to become dully clear to me I think but with time and practice I guess it gets easier.

Hope it helps in some way.

Is the attachment issue all you talk about during sessions or are you able to talk about the issues that brought you into therapy to begin with?

I'm sorry you're struggling. This is something I have talked about with my t often. She is very gentle with me when it comes up, because I invariably will start crying, it feels so vulnerable to talk about doesn't it? Over time I have been learning to be the mother to my younger self that I didn't experience as a child. It's not easy. But my t has had infinite patience with me, I often tell her she honestly has the patience of a saint. My intense feelings have gotten better over time. so much so that just a couple days ago in session, I admitted to her that I used to love her SO much that it physically hurt sometimes. I was never brave enough to tell her before. She thanked me for telling her now. I've been able to look at how I used to feel about her, and compare it to how my son used to love me when he was little, and it seemed so similar. Oh btw as a frame of reference I've been with current t for almost 4.5 years. I wish you all the best. This is tough work we are about.

ETA: I still love her and feel attached to her though!! That hasn't gone away. Just the intensity has. I don't think it'll ever go away completely.

I'm going through the ringer myself with this maternal issue with my T. I've only discussed it briefly once or twice with my T due to being embarrassed and feeling it's 'wrong' but I plan on talking more deeply about it at the next session (maybe the next few sessions). Thankfully my T is open to discuss it. I feel for you, I really do, it's the most painful thing to go through. I sometimes wonder if this is something I'm always going to be stuck with. *hugs*

I can't say that what I have dealt with In regards to my T is exactly maternal transference. I've never really wanted her to be my mom. My relationship with my mom was so abusive and painful that I think I released the idea of a mother as something I'd ever want.
I DID however, deeply desire her love. Her touch , her praise, her attention etc etc etc.
For my T the solution was meeting those needs as she was able . I know the majority of Ts are not as free with touch or their time or hearts as mine is. And of course, we talk endlessly about it all. We talk about why my need is so intense. We talk about how much I miss her sometimes. We talk about what I feel like I am missing when the relationship as it is isn't "enough". We talk about how I support the younger aspects of myself. We talk about how I can learn what caring for myself looks like my mirroring how she cares for me. We talk about how her voice is slowly replacing the internalized voice of my mother. We talk about how much she loves me, how much I love her, we talk about it all.
Of course an approach like this only works if the T is willing to share themselves in this way. So I don't know that I can necessarily advise anyone else. I was fortunate enough to find a T open to relating in the way I needed her to relate to me.
Four years in, the relationship is increasingly a source of peace and security instead of a source of pain....and yet I feel stronger inside myself .
I think.it is very worth talking about the attachment.

I have maternal feelings for my T too. It sounds like your T used to give hugs but doesn't anymore. That must be very difficult. My T doesn't do hugs, though I wish so badly that she did. I think it would be a good idea for you to find a T who specifically does do these things you need and will be able to work with you and the attachment without having to refer you to someone else. I understand feeling terrified of a T leaving too. I'm often worried my T will leave for some reason or another, and that idea is devestating. I'm sorry you're feeling so much pain, and I hope things work out!

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You don't need what you needed a a child in the same way as an adult. Just keep talking and eventually it all becomes clear.

I can identify with wanting my T to satisfy my unmet attachment needs. I've been frustrated with 4 ts who never thought it would help to meet those needs. I am fortunate that my current T thinks otherwise. Within limits, she loves me and allows me to hold her hand and to hug her. I think her methods are working better than my T who wouldn't hug me because "you're borderline." Getting some of what I crave from my T enables me to tolerate what I can't get from her.

I am very attached to my T. At first it was scary and made me feel bad. I wrote him a letter but we never talked about it nor did he comment on my note. I felt relieved yet I wish he would have said something. He didn't treat me differently thank goodness. It did ease up I still feel attachment but in a more clear way, meaning I understand it now and don't feel shamed by it. He is very professional. No hugging or hand holding. He comforts with words and patience something I have never experienced. I guess the fact that he didn't get all weird about my feelings for him made me feel safe and relaxed. I care for and respect him but not intuit infatuated I need to see him kind of way anymore.