Its not helping

So, at this point, things have been pretty calm, at work, at home, etc. But, I have a history of abuse as a child, domestic abuse as an adult, alcoholic family members, etc.

Things are calm, because at this point I don't have much contact with the abusers, etc.

I have been going to therapy for a few months, and T thinks we are ok to go to every other week, he thinks I am doing well. Well part of why I am doing well is because I am on anti depressants.

I am feeling a little pissed that he thinks I am ok, but in my head, none of the past, none of my pain, none of my fears, etc. are gone. I am no better at dealing with them, I have not healed. Which is exactly what I want, to heal.

Ugh, I don't know what to do. Or what I am trying to get across here. Its like if I am not in crisis, there is no help?

Being able to not have contact is a big deal. Some ts spend years trying to pry their idiot clients away, not to mention any names but her initials are unaluna.

So what are your particular disfunctions in life? That if you heal past wounds, you feel you wont continue to do (or not do)?

I understand this differently right now where I am. T used to be all cozy and extra miley with me and now I guess we've transistioned into 'normal therapy' but I still want the extra mile T that I had and it hurts when she tells me about the extra things she does for other clients. What state do I have to be in to get that back? I feel like if I'm okay she'll kick me out. If I'm not okay she'll keep me around but others need more than I do because I had that part of her already but I still want it. Can't tell her any of this because then I'd just be pushing her away and it'd be inappropriate. I don't know why I said all that or what it has to do with anything but I get it in a way :/

I think it's hurtful and inappropriate that she tells you about the extra mile things she does for other clients. You may be right that you'd push her away if you voiced your feelings (I wish i had kept quiet about some things...) but maybe she is provoking you, wanting you to react

To the OP, I get this too in a way - I'd talk to the T, hopefully you can work at a deeper level (?) (a few months is a very short time for therapy )

I feel like when I do heal, that when I am put into a situation where I have to deal with my abuser(s) that I wont go into panic/freeze mode. That I would be able to defend myself, and my daughter.

That healing would also help me feeling more self confident in dealing with any authority figure who behaves poorly, belittles me, name calls, etc.

That if I healed, I could stop feeling like a child, at the age of 45. I could start to feel like an adult.

Just a few things off the top of my head.

i can relate to this... my T did a lot for me in the first couple years. That is also because of where we met in a residential facility. when he left in 2014 things kinda changed... things arent bad now and i know he still cares a lot. it's just the environment is different, because he is in a private practice now. anyway, i try to tell myself that i needed that level of support and care then, and since i am doing better now.... i am more capable of taking care of myself in that way. i still need T sometimes, sometimes really bad. but i let it pass over me if i can. i understand the pain, though, of having that level of support and care, and then having that pull back into something more "normal" or "traditional".... it is confusing and it hurts..... but my overall goal is healing and to recover, to build a life for myself.... i try to remind myself that... my goal is to not stay stuck

I think your goals make a lot of sense. Could you discuss them with your t?

I'm the opposite. I thought I want 'ill' enough for therapy ams here I am still going after 12yrs.

I'm in psychoanalytic therapy. That is supposed to take time. And regular sessions.

Perhaps try a different form of therapy? With your background I suspect it works be helpful.

Those make sense to me. I went no contact, but saw (and am seeing) people when my mother died. Every time i spoke to my brother, for example, i got a little stronger. Its like im no longer caught in the river current, flailing about. But working with t behind the scenes got me there.