[WrkNPrgress]

I have talked a bit about progress in therapy but I've never had the nerve to talk directly about my own feelings about my therapist or about the process and all of that stuff.

I've come to realize how much this mimics my own family dynamic. My family is affectionate, we say "I love you" at the end of every conversation but we don't talk to each other about our feelings, our fears, our needs, or concerns for each other in any direct manner. We figure all our own stuff out internally and 'don't bother' each other with our stuff. This leaves each of us in a worried dark place.

And I feel that way with my Therapist, of course.

Do you ever just talk about your relationship with your T? How do you do it?

I've been very open with my T about my feelings for him from the start (good and bad). I think I had to be, because my presenting issue was my relationship with my first therapist, so it is important to keep checking in on how this relationship is going. Recently he has told me about some paternal feelings he has had for me, and I have discussed the absence of sexual feelings towards him (which often emerge in close relationships with men) and why I think I haven't felt that way about him. It's all very natural and easy.
I wonder if you should share with your therapist exactly what you said here, about how difficult it is for you to have this conversation and why you think it is? It might open some fertile ground for therapy and at the same time help your therapist know what you need from her.

I wonder what kind of way does your therapist work? Do they invite you and encourage you to say what is happening for you in the relationship? My t works primarily with Gestalt which is very relational with a focus on the "here and now" relationship.
She will invite me to say what is happening for me in the room and why I think this is happening with her. She asked last night why I had withdrawn from her and I said it was because I was angry with her. Often she will say what is happening for her in the room.
When I see clients I encourage them to say what is happening in the room with me as we interact together. A lot of clients have social anxiety so it gives an awareness of the triggers and what happens in their bodies if they start to get anxious.
I hope that you can find a way to discuss the t relationship with your t and that they really listen and hear you in a supportive way

[stopdog]

The first one tried a couple of times, but I did not answer correctly and she told me other clients love her and doesn't mention it any more. I tell her when she fails.

The second one has not mentioned it really. A couple of times she has said something about herself in relation to me and I tell her that she is other and does not count and that is the end of it.

On rare occasion it came up, but the relationship between us was never the focus in my therapy. The dynamic between us was pretty natural and uneventful I guess, so it just wasn't on the forefront. I'd say if you feel the need to discuss it though, you absolutely should be able to.

[Waterbear]

My new T spent the session today trying to get me to talk about our relationship as I am trying to decide whether to continue to work with her. I found it very difficult but I did find it slightly easier when she brought out some stones with one representing her and one representing me. I still didn't say or do much, for reasons much as you explained, but I think it is clearer in my mind and for that I am somewhat grateful.

I felt that she couldn't or wouldn't get near me, despite me saying I wanted her to, that it would make me feel like she cared if she came towards me in a literal sense.

It is hard, I will give you that, especially if you have no experience. It is like a foreign language isn't it.

I avoid it but T brings it up now and then. Basically I don't know how I am supposed to feel about him and all the feelings I have feel wrong, so to save embarrassment I talk in vague general terms.

[Argonautomobile]

We talk about the relationship more than I ever expected and almost more than I want to! I'd rather focus on my own issues, but so many of them crop up in the relationship itself. It's a fascinating little microcosm of the way the client exists with others in wider reality.

[awkwardlyyours]

I brought it up directly after my T said that I wasn't comfortable acknowledging my connection to her.

So, the next session, I thought 'Hey, let me be super brave and have an episode of uncontrolled verbal diarrhea about how screwed up I feel in / about / what's happening in therapy...'. Not a good idea. At all. For me that is.

It was excruciatingly embarrassing and I ended up in an incredibly awkward, confused, super irritated and not-sure-where-things-are place at the end of the session -- I don't think that has as much to do with the relationship or my T (sure, that may contribute to it a bit) as my issues in talking about stuff like that.

Thankfully, at the next session, T didn't bring it up explicitly but referred to some of the issues I'd mentioned -- so, we talked about my problems generally but that was it. Whew!

So, I think it'll be a looooooooooooooooooong time before I talk about it like that again....if ever!

P.S. Needless to say, I don't remotely mean this to be a discouragement to anyone else who's considering doing it -- this is just a manifestation of my specific neuroses!

[ScarletPimpernel]

T and I talk about our relationship. I've told her that I don't love her, but wish I did because I miss the feelings. I've told her that she's more than just a doctor to me, but she's not a friend. We talk about termination at least once a month (this helps me cope with my fear of abandonment and to keep things in perspective). We make sure that I'm comfortable with her and she checks-in to make sure I'm not upset with her (this is due to our rough beginnings). We've talked about how some of the things she has done has made me feel special (i.e. emails). I wish we could talk about her perspective more often. I don't push because I know she has tighter boundaries than I'm still used to. I know she cares. I don't have to ask, though hearing it would be nice.

[nottrustin]

I know T would be open to it however, until recently I have totally avoided it because it makes me feel to vulnerable. I have feared hearing things I didn't want to hear. Sometimes I have said things like "as much as I want to trust people there is NOBODY I trust 100% including (hubby) and (best friend)". I knew she knew what I meant.

Currently T is going through a lot of career as well as personal life changes. She has been very up front with me because she has always told me she would be. She has encouraged me to be upfront with how I am feeling with everything.

as a side not none of the changes she is going through will effect my therapy...

Originally Posted by WrkNPrgress

I have talked a bit about progress in therapy but I've never had the nerve to talk directly about my own feelings about my therapist or about the process and all of that stuff.

I've come to realize how much this mimics my own family dynamic. My family is affectionate, we say "I love you" at the end of every conversation but we don't talk to each other about our feelings, our fears, our needs, or concerns for each other in any direct manner. We figure all our own stuff out internally and 'don't bother' each other with our stuff. This leaves each of us in a worried dark place.

And I feel that way with my Therapist, of course.

Do you ever just talk about your relationship with your T? How do you do it?

Oh yes. On a pretty regular basis!! At first, I hemmed and hawed around it like crazy and could barely say what I was trying to talk about, luckily she caught on, and it became easier. I've emailed it to her too, that I wanted to talk about it and asked her to bring it up. After all this time (4.5 years) I'm to the point now where I can just go in there and say "T I need to talk about our relationship (or "us" and I do air quotes) again." I tell her how sometimes I hate it, sometimes it's confusing, sometimes I want to tell my "process" to go take a flying leap, it's the most convoluted relationship ever, etc. Each time I have brought it up, it has gotten easier.

[PinkFlamingo99]

I basically talked obsessively and only about our relationship and my fears of abandonment for over 4 years with my ex-T. Literally every session, all session. I was terrified and my abandonment fears were through the roof. It actually makes me sad when I think about it, that after so long of promising she loved me and would never leave, all my fear and pain, she so nonchalantly broke my heart.

[sub-dural]

No. I never have. I had a psycho-pharmacologist try to get me to talk about my relationship with him once, I'm pretty sure. I thought it was very strange -- asking me how I felt about the fact that something he was rx'ing may have been giving me headaches. I think I just said I don't have feelings about it? Sometimes I get a lot of headaches for reasons xy and z. What else is there to discuss. Then I realized, later, he probably wanted me to talk about him affecting my life. It actually gave me the creeps. He did in many ways, though, so it's not just the actual conversation topic that creeped me out.

The therapist I see now has made some minor passes at a client-therapist relationship discussion in the past, I think. But to me she's a lady I see every week and dump on sometimes and I guess receive wellness checks. She is perfectly nice and does her job alright, I think. If she was persistent on talking about my relationship with her, or if I had a therapist that really insisted on focusing parts of therapy on that, I would stop going. She knows that and gives me lots of space.

[BrazenApogee]

Walked in, grabbed my chair and moved it to where I wanted it, sat down, looked him right in the eyes and said "I'm afraid of you." Turned out to be the best and hardest conversation ever. The best part was he was present, didn't run me over, and listened. My fear evaporated like fizzy aka-seltzer.

[WrkNPrgress]

Originally Posted by BrazenApogee

Walked in, grabbed my chair and moved it to where I wanted it, sat down, looked him right in the eyes and said "I'm afraid of you." Turned out to be the best and hardest conversation ever. The best part was he was present, didn't run me over, and listened. My fear evaporated like fizzy aka-seltzer.

Ha!!!

That would be awesome. However, my T only has a couch for me to sit on. That might be a bit hard for me to 'pull up' But I get the point. brilliant.

Thanks to everyone for sharing their own experiences.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

I have talked with my T about our relationship many times. It has always been helpful. The first couple of times it was awkward for me but she always welcomed the conversation and was happy I expressed my feelings. She wants me to talk about anything I want or need to in therapy.

[rainbow8]

We talk about it a lot because of my attachment issues. She always wants to know what is going in the present moment and how I feel about her. She says it's important.

[SoConfused623]

Originally Posted by WrkNPrgress

I have talked a bit about progress in therapy but I've never had the nerve to talk directly about my own feelings about my therapist or about the process and all of that stuff.

I've come to realize how much this mimics my own family dynamic. My family is affectionate, we say "I love you" at the end of every conversation but we don't talk to each other about our feelings, our fears, our needs, or concerns for each other in any direct manner. We figure all our own stuff out internally and 'don't bother' each other with our stuff. This leaves each of us in a worried dark place.

And I feel that way with my Therapist, of course.

Do you ever just talk about your relationship with your T? How do you do it?

_________________________________________________________
I was thinking about my T obsessively always wondering what she'd think of this, that or the other thing. I was thinking about her about 100x per day and I ended up telling her how consumed I was with her. She thought that it was maternal transference but it really wasn't as we are the same age and I didn't think of her as my mother, but more of an esteemed colleague or boss that I wanted to impress.

Anyhow, we had a falling out about something and I really loathed her and almost walked out one time. I had the courage to go back the next week and had written out some notes so that I wouldn't forget anything. She really didn't take ownership of her part and I was seriously thinking of never going back. The third week was kind of do or die and we talked about our relationship yet again and I felt a little better. Then the 4th week, I talked about a real issue but didn't disclose some details because I still didn't feel close to her, so the next week we talked about that!

I'm basically saying that for the past 6 weeks we've been rebuilding our relationship and getting our trust in each other back. Things are looking better in our relationship now and I hope we continue along that path.

I'm looking forward to discussing real issues next week!

Good luck!

[MobiusPsyche]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

We talk about it a lot because of my attachment issues. She always wants to know what is going in the present moment and how I feel about her. She says it's important.

Me too, we talk about it a lot lately and very directly. That's because of my attachment issues and the fact that I only recently started to feel attached and trusting at all with her.

Sent from my mobile device using Tapatalk.

We talked about it today. I didn't do a very good job expressing myself. Oh well. I've already asked that we talk about it again next time too.

I still struggle 12yrs on.

[Piickles]

We talk about it a lot... But that's a huge part of her modality as an analyst - it's been the best kind of therapy for me and brought up so many deep very young feelings I didn't know we're in me and that are the basis of all my issues. It helps she brings it up first most of the time and pretty much every session.

[Salmon77]

It's not a topic that's come up much for me.

[velcro003]

Neither in my previous therapy, or with my current T do we talk about our relationship. With my previous T, i was too worried about what she thought of me/was always convinced she was so frustrated with me and wanted to fire me--i couldn't ever really talk about it.

With my current T, I am much more at ease with her, but the one time there was a mistake on her part, i never talked to her about how angry and hurt i was, though she said i could.