Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something... Part XVIII

I'm so glad you're coming back in just six more days!

You may have received lots of pleasures from TAKING FROM ME but one day, life will repay you and I hope you will suffer for many, many, years. I will pray every day for it.

You are miserable and so are the one's who conspired with you.

YOU TOOK MY LIFE FROM ME!!!!

HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF SOMEONE DID THAT TO YOU???

I want to email you, like I've wanted to email you every day for the last week. I can't wait to see you on Wednesday. It feels such a long way away.

Been refreshing my inbox all day waiting for your email... Oh what a pathetic, needy person I am.

T,

you are awesome.

Love, me

Sent from my SM-T550 using Tapatalk

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The scrutiny, the judgment, the invasion, the betrayal, the back stabbing, the rejection, it is overwhelming.

t,

wahhhhhhhhhhhhh.

me

I found chat rooms (not here). Since you don't want me....

Your email was so disappointing. Could you not feel my pain? All you could muster was thanks for sharing? Thank you for responding to my text. I'm struggling so much. I feel like I'm stuck in black hole. Why are you absent now?

Dear G, I still need to tell you things, even though therapy has ended. I need to tell you that I miss J's hugs so much. I miss the the safety and comfort of being held tight in his arms. I miss the comfort and safety of being held in the arms of someone tall enough that I could put my head on his chest and feel his heartbeat. I miss the safety and comfort of being held in the arms of someone so gentle and old enough to be my dad. I never wanted to have a sexual relationship with him. All I wanted was to be held, because somehow being held the way he held me helped to calm my anxiety. I wish I could have told you all these things when I was in therapy, but I was too scared, and it hurt too much to admit that I still wanted hugs from the priest who so profoundly betrayed my trust. I didn't want to want those hugs anymore, but I did, and I still do, and I can't tell you now because therapy is done. And my heart is aching with all this longing.

I can't survive a week without an appointment to look forward to. Most people probably survive the week counting down days to the weekend but for me it's the day of our appointment.

I made a fabric flower display today. I want to give it to you but I don't know if it would be OK. When I had made a card to give you I asked if I could give you something and you didn't hesitate to say yes. You paid attention to it and you said you loved it which made me happy. I don't want to start taking over your space but the things I did or gave never seemed appreciated and you seem to appreciate so of course I am going to want more of that. But I don't want to scare you off so maybe I will save it for a special day. We are moving rooms this week so maybe I could give it to you as a 'new home' present, though I would understand if you didn't want it on display all if the time because it is your space for other clients too. But you could put it in my folder and the fact that you would hopefully appreciate it in the first place would be good enough for me. On that note I think I might need a box soon instead of a folder, is that possible? I think I want to know what month you were born in and also if you have ever been a teacher. I want to know what you did before but not if you were certain things, so I might just start guessing and hope one day I might get it right. I want to know if you are planning a holiday this year too.

Looking forward to seeing you soon.

Sadly, you have no moral or ethical internal compass and the one's you associate with in my community are lacking there as well. This discourages me beyond your comprehension since you don't get much. You only know how to hurt me and others. Better rethink your career path if that is how you plan to continue.

Our appointment is the highlight of my week and I always write a star next to it in my planner!

I miss you.

I'm so mad at you for that.

61 hours till I see you! This last month has been so hard, T. It's been harder than I thought being disrupted by my holiday then yours.
I can't wait for our sessions to go back to normal. I do need you right now.

Dear T,

How can I tell you how sorry I am for putting you thru this roller coaster the past few days. I'm sorry I texted you right after I OD'd, I'm sorry I kept texting you. I'm sorry I didn't remember all the things we'd talked about doing instead of taking pills. I'm so sorry to do this right before your vacation. I hope you don't hate me,and I hope we can still work together.

Y'know t that felt so great yesterday when you said you understand cuz you'd been there. And your pause before the rest of what you said... it was like you were remembering... thank you for that.

i need u and i hate it

i don't often respond to these but just wanted to share that i have so been there! hugs if you want 'em.

Will you call me please? I need you

I hate that I'm so socially isolated that you are my main social contact in my life other than my parents. I hate how dependent I feel and how scared I get at the thought of you ever terminating. I like that you encourage me to try to socialize more, but I'm afraid I'm getting too clingy and annoying when I fail at these efforts.

T,

The BF is angry at my same-gender attractions and my erotic transference for you.

Sometimes I harm myself when I have erotic thoughts like when I imagine kissing you.

I emailed you to say I finally found a supervisor...you don't have to email me back, but...you know...I'd like it if you did. I haven't seen you for two weeks. I miss you.

You know what I need to tell you t. We both know I can't say it but we both know what it is.
**** happens.