Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something... Part XVIII

I hope you aren't watching psych central and seeing what I write ... even though its not terrible it might be embarrasing

I don't know how I feel after sending you that email and receiving that response Old T. I still want it to be you and I don't know if I will ever get past that. I am pleased that New T and I are talking about it now and I do think that not seeing you is the right decision for me but it hurts, a lot. I appreciate that you agree with me and that you don't want to hurt me and that you are leaving the door open a d that you are sad with me. It really isn't fair or logical or right. I miss you terribly.

Tomorrow should be interesting. I pretty much laid my cards on the table last week. I need you to be kind, insightful, and full of ideas because I'm tapped out. And, no, it can't be all about waiting for me to read the book you recommended. I need help now, not a year from now.

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This is so F*** scary.. I feel like you see straight inside my brain.. and to think this can end at any time, the fear of rejection, just like so many others in my life rejected me.. ugh.

Thanks for emailing me back, it's good to hear your 'voice' in the email. And it was nice that you said you're looking forward to seeing me on Wednesday. I'm looking forward to seeing you too. Lots.

MC,
Thanks for today. For some reason, it makes me trust you more to know that, even though you've cut way back on drinking, you do drink on occasion. And that you have some old T-shirts with silly alcohol sayings on them--wish I could see an old picture of you wearing one! Yeah, I totally brought up the smoking comparison because you said before that you used to smoke, though pretty sure you were a more regular smoker than me. And because I got the sense you used it to deal with anxiety like I did then and like I do with drinking now. So you get it, in ways that H and T probably don't. And that's why I'm more likely to listen to you about it. Because you get why I do it. And maybe it felt like you were judging me a bit when you asked if I was putting drinking above, say, my kid or my health. But I think I need to hear stuff like that. You can say all you want about not wanting to label me and it needing to be up to me to decide if I have a problem. I know that's what they teach you in therapy school. But sometimes I just need someone to put it out there, like Int-doc did. And the fact that I've known you much longer and trust you--that means I'm going to listen to you more. So could you maybe be my crutch, just for a little while? Until I value myself enough to stand on my own?
Love,
LT
PS--You know I'm drinking a beer right now, right? I mean, obviously, I was going to come home from a talk about my needing to stop drinking and have a beer. (You got an extra-concerned look when H mentioned I sometimes have a beer right after therapy...) I know I need to stop. But not right this second...

Dear T,

Sorry I just got out if the hospital after OD'ing and I'm back at it. Not sure how I'm going to make it thru 3 weeks without you while you are on vacation. Ugh.

T,

Don't leeeeavveeeeeee
Me

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Hey PDoc,

Little hint, after signing myself out of the hospital AMA after an OD, the first time you see me telling me "hospital staff don't know you so they thought you were trying to kill yourself so they had to keep u on watch; I know you weren't so I let you leave AMA." Yeah, so way to make me feel bad about the fact that I was trying to do it...aparently not very well. Epic Failure.

Dear T,
This transference business is excruciating. Just when I think it's going away it comes back with a vengeance. I feel like throwing a tantrum. I'm trying so hard to not write you again before Thursday. I'm also resisting the urge to cancel our session. The little kid in me wants to cancel, because I'm feeling really angry and hurt that you haven't responded. I want to cancel and make you think "Oh wow, maybe I pushed her too far...", but I know this is manipulative. Trying to be a grown up but it's hard. I really don't like you right now.

I did it and I'm regretting it. I wish I didn't do it but I know it's for the best but it's one of the hardest things I have ever done.

T,

=(

Me

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Hiya t.

Yes.

me

Dear T, you are beautiful.

Dear G, I miss you so much. You were so attentive to me. I know that was your job, but you were so good at it. You paid attention to me, and when I was in your office, I was the only person in the world. Attentive, concerned, dedicated, gentle, warm, and kind. I'll never forget the time I told you what the babysitter did to me, and I think that was also the first time I told you about the transference. I felt so ashamed and no matter what you said, I could not look you in the eye. So you got out of your chair and knelt down on the floor in front of me so that I could see your face, your eyes, see that you weren't ashamed of me or disgusted with me. I could see that you were worried about me, and I never felt that from my mom. I've been unconsciously trying to make people worry about me since I was 14, so that they would care about me and love me and be attentive to me. And you got down on your knees in attempt to make me see you weren't judging me. Your eyes were full of compassion, and I could barely meet your gaze, because I was full of feeling ashamed and felt I didn't deserve your love. You never said the words "I love you," but everything you did silently spoke those words to me, and I am still trying to believe it. We're done therapy, but I still wish I could hug you every day. Wishing that makes me miss you even more.

Dear T,

The closer we get to termination, the stronger my feelings of resistance feel. I wish I had control over the timing of this...but at the same time, I understand that it's probably the best possible time for us to be wrapping things up, considering where I'm at. Funny how it worked out that way. Five years of college...and here we are, at the end of it.

Here's the thing, T, and you know this because I've outright said it twice now, but I don't want to work with anyone else. I don't want to meet someone new and rehash all of the work we've done. You said today that it is completely possible that I might meet someone who is even better at this than you are, but as far as I'm concerned, nobody is better at knowing me than you are...except for me.

At any rate, don't expect the tears to just stop now that they've started. I've never cried for two sessions in a row before. It took me three years to cry at all, and of all the things I have to cry about...missing you, having to stop seeing you...this is somehow the thing that brings the tears to the surface.

Not that I'm surprised. You are, after all...a very special human being.

And relationships are my number one priority.

I will miss you so much, T. More than I think I will know how to deal with. I'm scared. How do I do this without you?

You're so convinced that I will find a way and that it will be the best way. I wish I could feel that, too.

All I feel is how much I love you and how much it's going to hurt to know that we will never see one another again.

I will miss shaking your hand...and the way you hold on just a little longer than I do after a particularly hard session. I will miss the faces you make and the way you let curse words slip out occasionally and apologize afterward. I will miss your go-to idioms and the way your nose scrunches up when I realize something you hadn't thought about. I will miss hearing you say, "It's okay to feel what you feel". I will miss laughing about the fact that in our three years of work together, I've only seen you wear a different outfit a handful of times.

I will miss everything I know about you...because you are good and kind and you have helped me so much more than I think you will ever, ever know.

Who would have thought I could be reached by someone? I didn't.

Thank you, T.

Now help me let you go.

Dear T,

Sometimes I want to tousle your hair after a session and say 'good job', but that would probably be demeaning to you.

20.5 hours and counting...

Dear T,

I shouldn't doubt you.
It helped them, I hope.
It helped me, somewhat.
I feel flat today.

EM

t,

i want drugs rly bad right now

me

Thank you T,,, for helping me get unstuck, and less anxious and helping me see things so much more clearly and being a wise voice in my life. Thank you for our session today. I'm feeling much better now!! You are a blessing!

Dear T,
I hate that you're out again next week. I know it's because of the holiday (or at least you're fitting vacation in with the holiday), but now it will just be twice in the space of 4 weeks. I had so much to talk about this week, and I think we did a fairly good job of getting through a lot of it, but I wish I could talk about it more next week instead of waiting again. I do appreciate you scheduling the next two appointments ahead because you'll be out one day in a few weeks. But still.

And I feel weirdly distanced from you lately. Maybe because I know you'll be out of the office? it's like I'm extra guarded. I'll tell you stuff, but it's like I'm afraid to let my emotions out. I want to ask for a hug, but I'm afraid to. I'm not e-mailing you much between appointments, but that's because you seem to keep either not getting them or not having a chance to read them, or, if you do read them, not replying (I know you don't always reply, but sometimes I do want that...) You did reply to my one-sentence e-mail from yesterday, so maybe that's what I need to do to get a response? Hopefully after you're back from this vacation, maybe I can start feeling connected to you again...
Love,
LT

Dear MC,
When I saw you while walking into T's office today, I wanted to be like, "I sent you an e-mail!" Instead, when you said hi and asked how I was, I was just like, "Good! And you?" I hope you write back at some point. I don't know if you're waiting to talk to T, since I told her I'd be talking about the drinking stuff today. But I think she gets why I'm more reluctant to have her as my accountability person, aka crutch, and more willing to have you be that. The question is, are you willing? And I think maybe I need you to judge me. I think that will make me more motivated. I need to feel like I'm letting you down if I don't stop or at least cut way back. I know that's probably totally a transference thing, but as a means to an end... I know I don't want T to do it because I feel like my mom has already done a lot of judging in my life, but with the one exception, my dad hasn't so much. So maybe it's like I need you to do that to make up for that? Or something weird like that? Or maybe it's just that I want to please you? Ugh, I don't know... transference and dealing with childhood stuff plus current stuff, etc. is so complicated...
Love,
LT

I feel unreachable.

MC,
I just sent you a kinda pathetic, needy e-mail. I hope you read it before responding to my other one. Because I realized I was looking for the wrong thing from you in that one. I don't want you to be the enforcer. I want you to hold me and give me strength...(left out the holding part in the e-mail...)
I didn't tell you I was drinking a beer while writing it. And crying. But I assume that went without saying...
--LT