Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something... Part XVIII

Well T, I feel gross and needy and am sorry. I shouldn't have bothered you on your day off with a text. I knew there was no way you'd have an opening this morning. Stupid me. And now I can only think that you are pissed that I asked TWICE to meet. Sorry.

I wanted to show you a poem I wrote, but you told my father it was OK to enter the room as we were done. Please don't unilaterally decide that again in the future.

T im thankful for you. That you put up with me after a month long break where I did zero therapy related work and completely backslid into old habits. Thanks for not giving up on me.

I have surprised myself today by being able to hold onto that feeling. I really felt that you were there today and that what we did was so very powerful. I don't ever want to forget that feeling. When you said what you did about feeling like a mother waving her child off to school when I leave, then waiting for them to come home was just about the nicest thing someone has ever said to me and the feeling I get when you give me a hug, especially because I managed to ask, is a feeling that I have never experienced before in my life. This is what I should have had isn't it? Thank you for being my T and for becoming real to me. I sent you an email tonight and, while I have been checking, I have been holding the badness off with the good feelings from today and I am starting to trust that you will be there, that you will reply, that you have not abandoned me. Those thoughts are there but I am pushing them away for now. I just realised that I didn't text you when I sent it though, which I normally do if I think it s important enough. Maybe because you didn't get a text you didn't check your email tonight. I can hold on tonight I think and look forward to hearing from you tomorrow. Night night T

Dear T,
I was kinda disappointed that you couldn't find Monopoly, but then you said we could play Jenga, so that made me happy. Then you started talking and we never played Jenga. I also wasn't able to tell you any of the things I wanted to say today. I'm going to write a letter to give you on Monday, but I hope I'm actually able to give you this one since I never gave you the last one. Today you also offered me tea, which was weird, because you've never done that before. I appreciate the offer, but that was strange and random. You were really funny today with your growling and your moving around and stuff. I love you soo much! Love, me

T,

We might play games tonight. You said you think it's a go. I don't even feel like a person right now. I'm in a weird funk...

Me

Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk

Dear T,
I know I said you could just reply to my text at some point before our session, Tuesday, but, um, if you could respond before then, that would be good. I just hate the unsettled feeling, thinking you're annoyed with me or sick of me. I know you'll say we had to stop last session because the time was up, not for some other reason, but I just felt weird about it all and don't know how to explain it. And then you not responding to the e-mails. I really hope that's not you being all into boundary tightening. Because I like when you loosen them a tiny bit. Still very tight compared to MC's boundaries (which seem to bother you at times--maybe because they lead to me being more attached to him, and then you have to deal their effect on me), but still, less tight than you had. Really, I'm just concerned you feel like you're getting too close again and are trying to back off, but I didn't want to say that in the text. Especially since you basically admitted a few weeks ago that you love me too. I like when you're a bit closer and not as detached.
Love,
LT

Hey t, you know how I said in the past "how will I ever say goodbye to you?" Well I know the answer to that question now. Especially since the dream I had a couple nights ago that solidified it for me. I've got "us", this relationship, inside me now. And I know how to reach into that place to calm myself down, feel through my feelings, and let them go and think logically. I did it this morning with h - he said something that initially I started reacting emotionally to but then I just kinda naturally saw what I was doing and I took a breath and reached into that place and found the calm that I feel sitting in your office and it was enough, t, it was enough! I felt through it, let it float away, and applied logical thinking to the situation. That was pretty amazing, if you ask me.

Dear T,
Thanks for responding, I guess? But your response kind of made me feel a bit worse...I mean, basically saying that you don't know what I'm talking about. That you don't always respond to e-mails, so aren't sure why that's anything different...and that we could discuss the "weird vibe" thing next session. Just felt very invalidating...Could you have at least tossed in an "I'm sorry if you got a weird vibe--I wasn't feeling any differently toward you" or "Sorry if you're feeling that way--I don't feel that way about you at all, let's discuss next week." Because...I hate to say this, but the response I wish you'd given? That's the sort of thing that MC would say. Yeah, he's much more self-doubting and apologetic in general, but I think with things like feelings and emotions, that's often a good thing. Not sure whether to send you an actual response tomorrow or to just be like, "OK thanks." Will see how I feel in the morning...
--LT

Thank you for this. I need to master this skill.

Thank you for the last couple of days. It really meant a lot to me today when you asked me to do you "a favour" by calling you tomorrow and letting you know how it goes so you don't have to wait until next week to find out. It let me know that you really care. I especially loved when you asked if it was too big of a favour because you didn't want to impose, even though it's just a simple request. Thank you for caring! (Fingers crossed tomorrow goes well!)

If there was justice you would be behind bars right now. If there was justice you would be FIRED along with your groupies. But there is no justice and you will continue to go on hurting many more clients.

The SILENCE of people is allowing this to continue. YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN FIRED BY NOW.

t,

thanks for ur words of encouragement for today.

i woke up at 3am thinking about you. it was painful. i kept envisioning me with all these strings attached to you. and this giant pair of scissors just cutting them.

maybe its withdrawals from the 8 day drug binge, but i dont feel well lately. i feel devoid of all positive emotion. everything feels too massive to do except laying in my bed with my swarming thoughts. i want a vacation from myself

me

I'm excited to be home (as fun as our week away was) because I missed my home, my routine and of course my session with you. I am really excited to see you on Wednesday. I'm considering asking you for a hug but we'll see how that plays out.

T,

I'm crawling into your phone to remove all the stuff I sent in the middle of the night. Just pretend I didn't say anything, ok?

EM

Old T- I miss you so much. I would give anything to have sessions with you again. I miss your voice, your touch and hugs, your laugh, your insights, your safe room, sessions, your support. It hurts so much to have this intense longing for you. I love you.

New T- I really like you. Your personality is so fun. Its so hard to start all over again. We just started and you already care about me. I can see it without you even having to say it. Thank you for that. I am getting scared about getting attached and close to another therapist. I hope I can resist the urge to run.

You haven't responded to my embarrassing texts last night. I know you're out of session right now. I sent a text saying sorry for sending it and giving you my required daily update - wish you would respond so I can stop feeling like an idiot for putting that knowledge out there in writing to you.

I'm bored of being home now. Is it Wednesday yet?

Was that you I saw out walking. I would like to think it was but it probably wasn't. So I held on for a day. That is pretty good going I reckon. Even with your email it disappeared. I usually don't feel through your emails a fraction of what I felt through you in that session so this is no surpise to me. This is such a new situation it is confusing, exciting, scary, worrying, pleasant and horrible. I am not used to feeling anything so I am not surprised that I am struggling with it all. This certainly is not for the faint hearted is it. I am glad H goes away again soon, only two weeks I think now so I won't have that worry but being alone does have its own challenges. You said that most people who go to therapy just turn up once a week and don't really give it too much thought in between. How is that even possible. I suppose that they aren't doing the same kind of work but I cannot seem to switch off from it all. Tuesday seems like such a long time away.

I shouldn't need you this much but I do. Can you just let me know you're there and we're okay?

Ugh, t. I hate myself for emailing you. I am so annoying.

huh, apparently you can't post in all caps!

That is weird let me try - oh yeah! I get that's one way of reducing contention on the boards.

Dear T, sorry I emailed you with my bad dream. I hope it doesn't freak you out. I just didn't know what else to do. Normally I would have had to get up and watch a movie or something but I did actually manage to get back to sleep after a while because I had got it out and the rest of the night was dream free. That was a particularly bad night because there were three in quick succession and I know I wasn't even fully asleep when they started. By the end though I was starting to go to a pretty bad place which was why I emailed you. I am sorry, I hope you don't mind. Thanks.

Oh Sparky I will miss you most of all. How can I say goodbye? Do me another favor and please tell me that you know I'm growlycat. You have hinted at it before. I'm dying to know