Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something... Part XVIII

I've told you when I thought about ending my life, you popped in my head. Now that we're in the summer, and you know I've been dealing with some hard stuff, the thought of seeing you when I get back to college keeps me alive.

hi t. that stupid thing that happened at work today that i wasn't even involved in but was close enough to see and had to be grilled by management about? my stomach is in knots over it. I'm going to bed now and will try to go to that place inside that i found in that recent dream, and see if i can sleep. i don't know why i am falling back in to my old pattern of excessive worry. i am scared that i'm going to get fired because i didn't share my speculations about the situation. i didn't even DO anything and i'm afraid of being fired. i hate this. i hate the politics **** in a big company. when will i ever learn. just when i was starting to get somewhere, i got promoted awhile back and am on a pilot team project and am well-respected there, well at least i thought so until today, now i am afraid for my job, and global thinking is threatening to throw me into panic and a night of no sleep. i am going to try my hardest to go to that place inside where i know how to go now, and before i do i think i'll be having a conversation with you in my head. i swear i sometimes feel like you're actually hearing me, and then i hear what you would say in your voice. that is so weird, you know? Apparently i have internalized you a little too well.

I'm so confused T.

I want to talk about this. I have so many questions. Who else knew? who else was involved? to what extent did it go/ Is it going? Is it going to stop? Does H know? And J?

The rings... I remember that night. Just briefly, but enough. You were there with me.

Thats a massive boundary for me. The house. The four walls. Please don't suggest bringing T inside these four walls ever, ever, EVER again.

These things scare me. Sometimes I think I am working with Jareth, but in the next instant you become just the best guardian angel ever.

Why is this happening? I need to understand. I need to know who you really are. I need to know how scared I should be. Or how happy...

Dear T,

I'm scared. We have worked so well together for the past three years and have sorted through so many things. Why is it that only a few months ago I was convinced that I was finished processing all of the things that happened to me and now that we're terminating, they're suddenly coming back up?

You said that you didn't interpret it as a subconscious need to stay unwell just in case it meant we could still see each other, even though I brought up that concern. I know in my heart and mind that we really can't keep seeing each other because I've graduated...but what if this is happening because my brain is rejecting losing you?

What if this is some form of denial or bargaining? "Well, if I keep thinking all of these things through, maybe it will mean I don't have to let go of you" or "oh, hey. I just remembered this new thing that happened--maybe now we can keep processing and working through this! Maybe now that I'm suddenly not as well, I won't have to leave!"

Brain...this is not how this works.

T, I'm struggling.

With this new flood of memories, with the fact that I miss you so much already, with the fact that I don't have a job yet and I don't know if I'm moving away and I can't see my friends and professors anymore...and on top of all of that, I'm struggling with losing you.

How do I do this? How does anybody do this?

I'm sorry for not being stronger and more independent. I'm sorry I don't feel that way, after all of the work we've done. It has been so much good work...but I don't think any amount of quality work will EVER prepare me for having to say goodbye to you. Goodbyes are always so painful. They always have been.

I need you to help me say goodbye. I need to tell you this...but I don't know how.

I'm so glad I finally get to see you today after your 3-week absence!

Dear MC,
This is such a little thing, but you writing back to my e-mail, just to wish me a good holiday weekend, too, was really nice. (and also something I'm pretty sure T would never do, based on some past e-mails/texts I've sent.) I mean, it probably took you less than a minute, but you still took that time. Stuff like that is further proof that you really do care about me as a person, not just a client.
(Not that T doesn't care, of course, but, you know...you're just different.)
Love,
LT

...I'm pretty sure I'm on my way to you hating me... to everyone hating me. I'm so tired. I wish my head wasn't tanking as hard and fast as it is, but...
My inner kid is mad you are going away for so long, but she's also happy you are taking care of yourself. Can she be both at once?

Sometimes when I'm on my walks I think about some of the things that I've brought up in therapy and I just want to die of embarrassment! I really hope that you don't remember these things like I do!

Last session I told you that there was something that I wanted to talk about but I wasn't sure if I really wanted to talk about it and you immediately said, "If you don't feel ready, don't push yourself" kind of in response to how embarrassed I get and what I said above. However, I really wanted to talk about it and then felt weird bringing it up when I had said that I wasn't sure if I wanted to talk about it and you had said not to push myself.....sorry if this is complicated!

I feel like I've spent half my life chasing a high that never came.

Thank you for the reply to my email. I like the idea that maybe my head is having a rest, it seems to fit quite nicely with what is going on for me right now. See you soon.

ugh, t. monday morning feels like a million miles away. why am i feeling so effing terrible right now? who drives home on a friday feeling like they could bawl their eyes out, especially on a long weekend? i hate me.

t, who do i talk to when i don't feel like i have anyone? i can't bother anyone, because they all have lives and i don't.

I hope we can continue our weekly sessions unail you're done in November. I really don't want that day to come. You've helped me so much in the last 3 years. The thought of getting a new T or being done with therapy all together makes me cry. I'm in such a rough spot right now, that I can't imagine life without therapy. It makes me so glad and special that I'm your only client that you see weekly. It means the world to me right now.

My dear t. I just understood something. What you have been doing all this time. You've said that you hold up a clean mirror - yes yes I totally get it now - your mirror, without all the smudges and filters and crap that I used to see myself through - your mirror, reflects back to me, the me that YOU see - and and and - little by little by little by little I have been moving into this place where I am no longer so afraid of being seen.

What an incredible journey this has been!!

I thank you with my whole (not perfect) lovable self.

And I can't say it any better than that.

p.s. I almost emailed this to you just now. But I didn't, because it wants to be said in person. And it shall be, on the 9th!!

So, um... I guess yesterday was harder than I thought/realized. I don't remember writing this to you. I remember feeling this way, but not expressing it. You know I feel really guilty about being mad that you are going away, right? I'm super ambivalent about it. On the one hand, I really want/need you to keep taking care of yourself; to have that life-work balance, and to enjoy yourself. On the other hand, I really don't want you going away right now. Couldn't you have waited till august? And couldn't you have made it a shorter trip? (Part of me really wants to ask where you are going, but I'm analysing the hell out of why I want to know, so until I land on it being simple curiosity, I'm not going to ask).

I know this whole time is generally rough for me, but I had forgotten that yesterday was the anniversary of the day I said goodbye to De, and how it all got so tangled up with the previous loss of K. Today is a bit better. Not great, but at least I haven't curled back into bed yet...

I need to remember to talk to you about this texting thing. You had mentioned that it's ok to reach out, and you'd be happy if I did it more (especially if it's going to keep me from falling apart as hard and fast as I sometimes do), but I'm not sure what that would look life. So much of the time, I don't know what I need. How the heck am I supposed to express something I have no grasp on? I've tried looking for support around some things, but I don't know how to ask it right. It feels like the bigger things I try to contact you about don't get any acknowledgement. I'd be ok with you just telling me we'll talk about it next session, or acknowledging it's difficult...

As much as i appreciate your availability and willingness to be a huge support for me, this month-long vacation is underscoring why I was hoping to have other supports available. And me trying to talk to the so only to have her panic and get mad at me (mostly panic) underscores how overwhelming and undesired any dropping of the "happy mask" is around people close to me. You had said s.o.and I have been together long enough where we shouldn't have things this big still hidden, but you didn't take into account that it's the only way we function at the moment. If she doesn't have to actually see the depression and ptsd playing out, it's ok to think of it as something manageable and past... that's how we get through the days. I've reached my quota of support I'm allowed to ask for around this stuff, so I don't let her in on the struggles... and to be fair, her experience with my struggles was really traumatizing.

I really wish this wasn't a holiday weekend. I wish you were not going away for so long in just under two weeks... like I said, August would be better than any part of July... I want you to have fun though. I hope you enjoy it thoroughly. I'm kinda jealous. So and I haven't had a vacation in years...

I hope I'm not setting myself up by asking to see your colleague while you are gone. I'm not sure how I can afford to pay her the copay... and I'm not sure I'll be able to be honest if I'm really struggling... hopefully, once this anniversary passes next week, things internally will settle down some...

Are you starting to regret taking me on again? I feel like such a pain in the ***...