Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something... Part XVIII

Ugh T. I can most certainly say that I will not tell you that all day during the car ride home, I told myself "I really absolutely need to take a break from drinking. It gets me nowhere." I got home, went to practice, felt like shyte, and immediately came home and told myself "Just a few sips to calm down." Mhhmmm...that was an hour and a half ago.

I hate myself, T. I hate these feelings or whatever it is that I push away with alcohol. But, I don't know how else to deal. I really don't.

Tomorrow morning is almost here. It's all going to be okay, T. It really is.

I had this song in my reading of my journal last night. I really want you to hear what my heart strains for. It hurts!!



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You change one little thing.
It may seem little but it's HUGE to me.
I want it back.
It was connecting.
I miss it dearly.
Can I tell you I miss it and I need that connection?
I don't know.
I know I could, but I'm scared of your response.
I don't know why you're taking that away.
It's silly really.
I need to talk about it.
I want it.
It helps.
I want to tell you that.
However, I feel you are phasing it out for my growth.
Or quite possibly you're getting way too close again, for you.
Please give it back.....
Please.

t,

an irate man almost attacked my manager tonight. i didnt freeze or run away tho (well i kinda ran away behind the desk) but i was getting ready to call 911. luckily some men stockers that were there came up there and the man stopped. ive never been that scared at my job before. im gonan start taking my mace =/

me

I'm so tired T. Feeling snuggly and needy, and wanting to wrap myself up in sheep and cats.

You didn't take it away, and you did it without me mentioning it. I just need that little bit of connection that we have. Thank you.

This is what I get for allowing myself to believe I can trust you, and that you know me. You don't know a damn thing about me and that hurts.

t,

thanks for texting me but do u have to do it at 7am???!!! :P

me

My brain is like scrambled eggs today. This makes me feel highly anxious and irritable. I wish my session was today instead of yesterday. I feel like everything is out of control, and I can't seem to get my head out of this horrible whirling mess. I'm trying to journal about it so I can share it with you next week, since by that time, I will either be too mentally exhausted to talk about it, or I won't want to rehash it.

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Dear T & PDoc,

Thanks so much for taking your vacation at the exact same time. 2 weeks without either of you, having just got out of the hospital, stopping all medication, and starting back to work....All while you are not available (unbeknownst to me ahead). Wow. I have the worst luck. Hope you both enjoy your vacation, I have no idea what I'm going to do. Not telling me ahead of time you would be gone really sucks. I shouldn't be this dependent but the timing couldnt be worse...for me. Ugh. Let the countdown begin.

I am really missing you today. I listened to one of our sessions and I could feel the love. That is a blessing and so are you. I really miss our sessions and wish I could have them again.

Sometime today would be really great, if you can manage it, please.

Dear MC,
Thanks for your e-mail. It feels good to know you think I can do this, even if I don't believe I can. I hope that your faith in me will help me to have more faith in myself.

I know people on here talk about like reparenting sometimes, and I know that's not your methodology. And I know it's not like my parents were so bad, they just didn't give me what I needed emotionally. But some of how you are to me--it feels like that. I know, there's the whole paternal transference thing, but I feel like that was more me idealizing you as a father. This feels more like you're helping to heal some of the childhood wounds. Like giving me what I needed back then. By being you, not some idealized image. I just wish I could spend more than 45-60 minutes a week with you.

I love you. So much. And I feel like, even though you'd probably never actually say it (though at least you have said that you genuinely care about me), that on some level, you love me, too. In a platonic way, of course.
--LT

T,
I feel like you are going to be so disappointed in me when you see me next. We both know alcohol does me no good, yet...i continue. But i refuse to call myself an alcoholic. Can't it just be a side effect of the depression? I am sick of feeling this way, that life will not get better. Monday can't come soon enough.

t,

when i got to work my coworker and manager wehre laughing abt how i hid behind the desk last night. i just smiled but inside i was like wow F you guys. sorry im not gonna go vigilante mode for my 8.37 an hour job.

also, i wont see u for a week and that makes me sad... right now at least. ill make it thru though.

me

I'm sorry about today, t. And my last session. And the last 4 years. I feel like I've been a failure. I'm sorry I can't do therapy right. Hopefully thhe month long break will help me get my s h i t together and I won't screw up anymore.

I am glad you haven't given up on me though.

Dear T oh T where do I start.
Another thread on here got me thinking about what you are to me, and what I am to you. And I think I have a more realistic view of this situation now.
I have a better grasp of the limitations of our current un-arranged arrangement and an understanding of what you can and can't offer me. And really, I know in these circumstances I can't depend or rely or count on you for anything. At the same time I know that you will give what you can give.
So I have been thinking about what this work of mine will entail and

Argh. I just don't know.
I have a solid foundation of self-care skills. I have a range of inner ones that have different skills and abilities that can support. And yet, I don't know if I can do this alone.
I know that circumstances dictate that is the only way it can be done.
I know that it must be done.
But I just don't know if I can do it. I think I only have the tiniest idea of how very awful and soul destroying it will be.

That's where I am at the moment.

It's time for me to start up the hill again. You said it was less about desire and more about just doing. I just have to do it. I'm the only one that can change me. Break the bad habits. Move forward. Just a little change, doesn't have to be anything huge or big. Just little. I'm taking time today to just think, not overthink but think about a couple little changes I can make right now. If I just keep doing the same thing and wearing my anxiety blanket I'll stay in the same spot and I don't want to stay here. I want to help others I want to have energy, and I want to be happy.

I have written a list of things I need to say to you on Tuesday. We can work this out. I do feel love towards you. Do you know that? I suspect from something you said early last session that you do know.

What do you think of a "hit and run" accident? That's what you did to me. Making matters worse, you ran off with the woman in third car!!!

It never had to come to this. All you needed to do was apologize and explain why you lost control of the car. I thought you were a man?? Capable of accepting responsibility. Man up already!!!

t,

i hope youre there safe and having fun

me

Not me. I hope you and the other guilty parties have a lousy weekend, stuck in traffic, long lines and watch out for sharks....some wash up on land and are still biting.

You do still care, even though I can't get my **** together you're still there and you're never going to leave.

Thank you for saying the love and care is still there in our relationship even though therapy has ended. I am grateful you are still in my life. Honestly, its so hard to not have your support and be able to go to you with everything. This new way of things is hard and I miss you as my therapist. I am grateful to have you at all. I just miss the way things used to be. Its hard to feel this distressed about it and not go to you anymore. I miss you and love you.