Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something... Part XVIII

I can't believe my over 51% of my fellow countrymen could be so naive and self-damaging. Had anyone got any good suggestions for where to emigrate to?

I don't understand! I don't watch to or listen to the news.

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The UK haa just voted to leave the EU. It's awful news.

Is something wrong?!! A bit distressed!

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Scotland

Ok. And I'm supposing the EU would be the European nations?

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Yep, sad news

Two things: I guess I'm glad you told me you and your wife were expecting another baby. I sort of already knew or had a sense. I don't know exactly how, but I did. You were kind when you realized that news of new babies makes my heart, but it didn't hurt very much for you. I was happy for you and your family and that little baby that gets to have you as a dad. It was a little weird when you said, "I have no idea why I'm telling you this. I don't tell my clients things like this. You just feel like my friend." It's flattering that I feel like your friend, but I know I could never be a friend outside the wall of therapy and you know how few friends I have IRL, so that stung a bit.

The second thing. I know my text today sounded like the normal B's mad and yelling text, but it wasn't. The problem started with B's yelling, but ended with me being triggered and having an emotional? Flashback to being a child and being yelled at and belittled and feeling hated and like I was less than dirt. The words he used, the tone he used, the vitriolic in his tone of voice--it stirred something in me that made me want to hate myself and wish I were dead. I feel impotent against the feeling and like hurting myself is what I deserve. It's reinforced because I know I can't protect my kids from their father making them feel that way. I've failed them, too. When I asked you to call me back because I was in a pretty bleak place, this is what I wanted to talk about. But I know you have kids and pg wife, and that you need to take care of your family. I hope you can find some time.

hey new old t, thank you for believing us. Thanks for talking about child parts and stuff even though you are talking about something different than what we mean. it workds anyway. thanks for jumping right in to the hard stuff with us. you think it is too big for you but we know what we are doing and we know what we need to do and we know what we need from you. we got it under control. don't sweat it. we just need you to be there and listen and you are doing that so its all good.
oh yeah I wanted to say that 2 yo who wont is kinda calmer now cos you listened and you believed so thats the best thing. she like so there SHE believes me. so thanks.

Not looking forward to Tuesday. Need your help in court. I'm scared it'll cost money I don't have

Two months. That's how long I won't see you, till our next appointment. Two months! Ugh. It's loooong. I know I'll be fine though. I'll manage. I guess I'm at that point where I don't really need you anymore. That's a good thing, right? It's just... you hold a special place in my heart and I don't like not seeing you. I still miss you sometimes between sessions. And I know I'll miss you when my therapy is done again, which will be somewhere this year. I'm not quite looking forward to that. Again, I know I'll manage, but I'll be very sad too to let you go again. It sucks.

T,

Thank you for saying you accept me and never felt my sexual orientation to be an issue. I needed to hear it outright and clearly due to everything that has happened since that session when I brought up internalised biphobia and my bigot parents and you made that "pointless to recruit me as an ally if you can't accept yourself" comment.

I don't agree with your mindset of yourself which I'd call "sexual orientation blind" but maybe that's OK if you really can be free of heterosexist (and cissexist) bias and understand the minority stress of being LGBTQ+ in this conservative society of ours.

I really hope that if I raise LGBT specific issues beyond your knowledge level (since you said your doctorate in clinical psych didn't cover LGBT at all!), that you'll keep your word and use supervision and trainings.

Thank you for caring.

t,

you answered my text and said youre leaving for 5 days. i got scared you were going on your annual backpacking trip, but you're not. i know youll be going on that soon, though. plz dont leave me!!!!!

me

We have 2 extra bedrooms in the new house. Although depending on how the election goes here (USA) you might be better off elsewhere...

Yeah, I'd definitely hold off until November...and maybe see if Congress can actually hold a vote on a gun bill...when elected officials have to stage a sit-in to get the opposing party to do anything, that's a sad state of affairs.

This is just too much. I need you. I need my little bubble of security. I am starting to feel really lost and hopeless. It sucks that I've only seen you twice in a month

I. Don't. Understand.

Dear current T

Looking at the card you gave me for passing my exams, it makes me feel warm, it makes me smile, it touched me.
Reading YOU are proud of me, it feels good, but also it makes me feel bad? Like I'm some sort of imposter. Like I'm lying to you, because you don't know what a horrible person I am. You haven't see in sessions who I really am. Horrible. It makes me feel guilty. And I can't really explain why I'm a horrible person, I know if I would tell you, you would ask me what makes me a horrible person. But I just am.

I can also not help thinking ''I wish I had a card from her (T-on-leave)''...

I wish I were dead. Or more specifically that I'd never been born. What a world to be alive in.

Dear Integrative Doctor (Int-doc?),
Today's appointment felt more like a therapy session than a doctor's appointment, so I figure it's OK to write to you here. I even came close to crying. And you hugged me at the end--that was unexpected! But nice. It was like you took the place of my T this week, since she was out of the office. I'm just mystified that you seem to know what to say to get through to me about the drinking thing, and this was only our second appointment. Yeah, I'm drinking a beer right now, but it's only my second of the day, and that's much better than it's been lately. And I tried a couple of the supplements you gave (well, sold) me already, even though I'd been a bit afraid of them before. I think maybe they helped? Though I have a bit of a headache now, not sure if that's related. I even kept my word and downloaded a few of those MP3s.
And it's like I want to message you on the portal and tell you this, like, "Hey, guess what I did!" Am I becoming attached to you, too? Ack! (You can just talk to MC about how that goes with me...though at least you're not a man! Then again, I did have that one dream the other night...no, not about you, don't worry!)
But thanks,
LT

Just wanted to say

t, i shall be asking you for a hug tomorrow.

t,

youve been very kind in responding to all my texts this week. i have backed off some. im feeling less of a need to text you so much. progress!!!!

me

Was that half an email? You are up early if the time stamp is correct. I wonder if I will receive the other half? I am glad I am working this weekend. I want to keep going on Tuesday.

Thank you T2 for being great. I'm so blessed I struck it lucky with you and T1. Now I know how important it really is to have that connection first/second session. And thank you for remembering so much when you hardly write notes!