Couch 113 - Sofa, So Good

I'm not sure if I want to make a separate thread about this, but has anyone felt like their problems aren't "good enough" to be in therapy, or even that whatever happened or didn't happen in childhood isn't a "good enough" reason to feel the way you do currently?

Ok, i will explain a bit more. I am diagnosed with chronic depression...been going on for about 13ish years (though I think maybe my T thinks I have been depressed longer than that...i am not sure about that), and have dipped down lower...and come back up to baseline for me, which is basically like living in a world of grey.

But...i have felt like this for so long, that it doesn't necessarily "bother" me...it feels normal, you know?

Sooooo...anyway, my T has recently brought up that my extreme prematurity (born at 24 weeks) was a major trauma and really effected my attachment process--i spent four months in the hospital, i don't think i was even allowed to be held until about a month after I was born. She said that because my attachment process was interrupted, I have a very deep sense that I can't trust anyone to really be there for me, and has affected my relationships. I do agree that I am very avoidant-fearful, and haven't even TRIED dating anyone in 13 years.

This is also complicated by my confusion on sexuality...which i do keep avoiding talking about.

ANYWAY, the point i am getting at, is it makes me VERY angry to think that all of my current issues are due to being stuck in the NICU for a few months after I was born? That feels completely lame. I know my T isn't judging me because I haven't been abused or had any tragic losses--I should be (and am, mostly) grateful i didn't experience those things! I think part of it might be that I can't connect to this infant who had a intense few months still cooking in the NICU. Obviously, I don't remember it.

Well..i've wandered off tangent.

Sometimes there is not a hurt greater than sharing your heart and it being not valued.

I'm understanding that a hurt for one person affects them differently than it would someone else. The effect can be deep to that person and seem very small to someone else.

I'm learning that. Im thankful for that.

I was young. Didn't feel well at all. Told my mom I didn't feel well. She told me I was fine. Basically brushed me aside. I threw up on her feet. I was NOT ok.

Just saying.

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But only some diversity is allowed. I feel extremely alien a lot of the time, including right now, and the only way to stop doing that is by conforming. Or shutting up. The only two ways is by conforming, shutting up, ruthless efficiency.... three! Our three weapons are fear, surprise, changing the subject, quoting Monty Python....
(sorry)

So much for walking this morning. Came home from taking the little to school and stepped wrong out of the truck and wrenched the heck out of my already sore knee. Dumb.

Good morning and happy Monday couchies! DD1 cut me some gardenias yesterday, my room smells amazing, so the day is not a total bust.

Hugs (and anti-hugs) for my Couchies in need.

Yay! I passed inspection! That is, my apartment did. TG, i dont have to move!

I try and try and try but in my mother's eyes it's never enough.

Why do I even try?

I'm basically a wreck. I just want to cry. But I can't. And he noticed me moving my hands , because I was nervous. When I said I wanted to talk about emotions, he really hit on why I had barriers with my emotions. It made me extremely sad to look at myself like that. And when he said it wasn't that I didn't trust others, but that I didn't trust myself, it really hit something within me. Because it's true. With as much as I say I don't trust others, I really don't trust myself. Thanks for listening, couch. The appointment was a real relief. It's nice, even with as hard as it is, to talk about this stuff.

Probably shouldn't have said all of this... but I'm beyond caring at the moment.

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Thank you for posting this! It's really helping me see a part of myself differently.

Especially about not trusting yourself as opposed to trusting others. That rang home for me too.

((( hugs ))) if wanted.

*stuffs self under cushions with blankets*

I try and try and try but in my mother's eyes it's never enough.

And i wonder why the maternal transference kicks in with t as often as it does. Goddess if i had felt a fourth of the acceptance from my mother that i feel from t, there's no telling what i might have accomplished by now. As it is all i have to show for having lived is my son. Ok I'll stop whining now. Sorry couch. I have to let her sleep in my house 2 nights next week and thats doing a number on my head. I'll get over it!

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