[objectclient]

I have read all sorts of interpretations such as it represents unmet needs from childhood or it is replaying the early relationship we had with parents but those two examples seem contradictory. If you had a good relationship with parents, why would transference happen in therapy?

[unaluna]

If you had a good relationship with parents, you wouldnt be in therapy, and the point would be moo, acc to joey

Originally Posted by unaluna

If you had a good relationship with parents, you wouldnt be in therapy

I would most definitely disagree with this (but I can never tell when you are being serious or not so I might be misreading this). I had very good relationships with both of my parents and I definitely needed therapy.

Now, on the subject of transference in therapy, I would say transference has not been an issue for me (perhaps because of my good relationship with my parents? I have no idea). I HAVE experienced transference in other relationships/areas of my life related to issues not involving my parents though, so I don't think it is impossible by any means that I could have experienced transference in therapy. I just didn't happen that way for me.

[UglyDucky]

Originally Posted by objectclient

I have read all sorts of interpretations such as it represents unmet needs from childhood or it is replaying the early relationship we had with parents but those two examples seem contradictory. If you had a good relationship with parents, why would transference happen in therapy?

Someone from PsychCentral posted a definition of transference and attachment several years ago; the definition made it to Google. If you Google "difference between transference and attachment" (w/out the quotes), you should find it in the list of options you get. Transference isn't always about one's parents, but can include any close relationship you might have had. And there's positive and negative transference...and so much more. Googling "transference" will likely give you a good idea of what you need to know. Good luck.

[junkDNA]

there is a great book called When the past is present by David Richo

[LonesomeTonight]

I currently have some maternal transference with my T and some paternal (at times erotic) transference with my marriage counselor. I've been in therapy before, but haven't had any transference, though I think I had it for a male high school teacher.

I generally had (and have) a good relationship with my parents, but they didn't meet all my emotional needs (particularly related to my OCD, anxiety, and depression). I've also felt some things missing in my relationship with my H (and with some exes), though that's getting better through marriage counseling. I think the maternal/paternal stuff is related to my parents, and the erotic maybe a bit more with my marriage/past romantic relationships. Incidentally, I initially had more negative transference with my T, because I expected her to react the way my mom would to certain things (she's also my mom's age, while MC is 12 years older than me). But as we worked together more, I realized she wasn't my mom, and it became more of a positive maternal transference (and there seems to be some countertransference on her end, too). The paternal stuff with MC was/is all positive, like I was/am looking at him as some ideal father (and, at times, romantic partner). Though everything with him hasn't been positive, as there have been a few times when we had misunderstandings, and it was like my heart was breaking because it wasn't just about current stuff, but childhood stuff too.

Hope that helps somewhat!

[BudFox]

I think transference in essence is just the projecting of emotions and desires from prior relationships onto present ones. Happens all the time and every day. The therapy biz kinda co-opted this concept, because it is amplified in therapy, and usually it is applied to affects from childhood projected onto the therapist. The assumption is that it has therapeutic or healing potential, but don't believe that without investigating for yourself.

[objectclient]

I've checked out google and that post on the difference between attachment and transference, however I'm still confused.

I feel like the transference I had with my T was telling me something but I'm not sure what. If I explain it, I wonder if anyone could shed some light on it for me?

I would alternate between idealizing and devaluing T. For the most part, I idolized T but if she ever made an error and I felt let down or invalidated, I would feel excessively hurt and angry and feel that she is withholding or denying me of something. As a result, our relationship was up and down. T said she felt like I was punishing her one minute and then apologizing the next, which I was. I wanted to hurt her feelings and make her feel the way I felt she was making me feel but at the same time I didn't want to hurt her and so the next minute I would be apologizing. For some time, we were at loggerheads. I was angry with T and she was angry with me. She explained it as counter transference and me projecting my anger onto her. At the same time, I was very clingy with T. As a rule, I'm a no physical contact kind of person but with T I craved hugs. I even had the urge to sit on her knee and I'm an adult! T would comply to a certain point and give me a hug but I realized that every time I had a hug, I never wanted to let go and no amount of hugs would satisfy the insatiable feelings I had to be held and loved. As time went on, I felt my relationship with T became more stable. I stopped the hugs once I realized they wouldn't heal me. I started to trust that T wasn't going to withdraw my therapy, as I had feared throughout. However, then the therapy came to an end. It ended with a hug and once again brought back all the feelings I had before, that painful longing that was never satisfied and this time, as T told me how proud she was of how far I'd come, I was torn between feeling that this was what I had been missing my whole life from my own mother and a feeling of suffocation. However, my mother wasn't a bad mother. I was never neglected or abused, I was always fed and clothed and she cared for me so it is both distressing and confusing for me to have these feelings with T. It almost seems an expression of ungratefulness on my part towards my mother when she did nothing but care for me.

I am guessing from the relationship I had with T that I have an insecure attachment style. However, are all those feelings that arose a sign of a good or bad relationship with my parents? I should also mention I have had similar feelings with male authority figures in the past.

[nicoleflynn]

In simple terms (transference is present in a lot of relationships)....one person transfers their feelings onto someone else....that reminds them of that person. It is also a fancy word for.....feelings.

Originally Posted by junkDNA

there is a great book called When the past is present by David Richo

Yes, this book is really fabulous and explained transference so eloquently


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Transference means different things to different people in different situations. Specifically in therapy it relates to the feelings you have towards your t. They may be positive, negative, maternal, paternal, erotic...etc but the meaning behind these feelings are what is significant. Usually is you are missing something in real life this will show up through your feelings through the therApuetic relationship. For example if you always longed for a mother figure to look after you and care for you, this was missing in your childhood, the connection between mother and child. This will be maternal transference. It gets a whole lot more complicated when those feelings turn sexual and become erotic too. This could be because your t is so understanding and listens to you like no one else ever did, who wouldn't fall in love with someone who will give is their undecided attention. It shows is what we need in relationship but sometimes you just fancy your t and this happens but also gets labelled as erotic transference but it is just a crush but can also be love because of its intimate settings of course we can fall in love with our ts.
The transference you describe does sound related to your attachment style and you related to your parents. I am guessing it was an anxious ambivalent attachment? One minute mother was there meeting your needs/ next minute she would ignore you or shout at you, so you never had a consistent parenting style? Does this sound familiar? Perhaps this relationship is playing out with your t and her countertransference is reacting to your transference. It's all very complicated but it does show us something if we pay attention to what is happening between you and your t.

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[objectclient]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

Transference means different things to different people in different situations. Specifically in therapy it relates to the feelings you have towards your t. They may be positive, negative, maternal, paternal, erotic...etc but the meaning behind these feelings are what is significant. Usually is you are missing something in real life this will show up through your feelings through the therApuetic relationship. For example if you always longed for a mother figure to look after you and care for you, this was missing in your childhood, the connection between mother and child. This will be maternal transference. It gets a whole lot more complicated when those feelings turn sexual and become erotic too. This could be because your t is so understanding and listens to you like no one else ever did, who wouldn't fall in love with someone who will give is their undecided attention. It shows is what we need in relationship but sometimes you just fancy your t and this happens but also gets labelled as erotic transference but it is just a crush but can also be love because of its intimate settings of course we can fall in love with our ts.
The transference you describe does sound related to your attachment style and you related to your parents. I am guessing it was an anxious ambivalent attachment? One minute mother was there meeting your needs/ next minute she would ignore you or shout at you, so you never had a consistent parenting style? Does this sound familiar? Perhaps this relationship is playing out with your t and her countertransference is reacting to your transference. It's all very complicated but it does show us something if we pay attention to what is happening between you and your t.

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Hi monalisasmile. Thank you for your response. No, the above doesn't sound familiar to me. I know I was cared for as a child and there are photos to prove it with my mum holding me but I don't actually have any memories of my mum being affectionate to me as a child. I can remember her looking after me when I was poorly. If I was being sick, she would rub my back but that is all I remember. I have memories of her hugging me when I was older but it would always feel like she was anxious. In other words, it felt like it was to comfort her, not me. Would that be significant?

To be honest, I went through my whole life before I met my T without ever needing or wanting physical affection. I always felt so awkward and wooden so when these feelings came up with T it felt out of character for me and it was very scary.

Originally Posted by objectclient

I have read all sorts of interpretations such as it represents unmet needs from childhood or it is replaying the early relationship we had with parents but those two examples seem contradictory. If you had a good relationship with parents, why would transference happen in therapy?

Have you spoke with your T about it? That's the best place to find answers

Personally, in therapy, I think it is a bs word for saying "hey, this is a fake relationship. Your feelings for me are fake. They're actually meant for someone else. We will work on that but I have no idea how." I think it's idiotic.

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[objectclient]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

Have you spoke with your T about it? That's the best place to find answers

I wish I could but unfortunately, therapy ended without me having the chance. I wish I could go back to work on this and find closure but then I worry that because my T didn't do things "conventionally" (as in she would give hugs), perhaps that approach is actually harmful to me and I should see someone who is a "blank screen"? Personally, I hate such therapists but there tends to be a lot of scrutiny for therapists who are more human in their approach so I wonder if there is a reason for that. Perhaps it does do damage to clients like myself, I don't know. It certainly hurts when the therapy is over and you feel that the bond you built up is taken away. It's almost reenacting the traumas that perhaps led to insecure attachments in the first place.

Originally Posted by puzzle_bug1987

Personally, in therapy, I think it is a bs word for saying "hey, this is a fake relationship. Your feelings for me are fake. They're actually meant for someone else. We will work on that but I have no idea how." I think it's idiotic.

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So are you saying transference is real?

I have no idea. Really I don't.

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[BudFox]

Originally Posted by puzzle_bug1987

We will work on that but I have no idea how.

This is the main issue in my opinion. It's easy to be opaque and understanding, and this will cause most people to idealize the T and to project onto them. Ok then what?

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by objectclient

In other words, it felt like it was to comfort her, not me. Would that be significant?

That seems hugely significant. Suggests to me that maybe she was not properly attuned to you and so you had to tune in to her needs as a coping strategy and survival style in early life.

In attachment theory they identify a few different "insecure" attachment styles, but i find that they overlap somewhat confusingly, and the main concept for me is secure vs insecure. With the former the child has a so called "secure base" and develops healthy sense of self, trust, and ability to self regulate. With insecure attachment the child internalizes shame, experiences the world as unsafe, does not trust, has trouble regulating emotions and physiology and so on. Thats just my rough interpretation...

I don't understand any of this at all. A relationship with a therapist or psychiatrist is purely professional to think otherwise to me seems delusional.

It's not about THINKING otherwise - it's about FEELING otherwise. (I think - I've never experienced transference in therapy)

[Waterbear]

I think transference means you are transferring memories or thoughts that you have had about another person in your life onto someone else. Therefore expecting them to act or respond in a certain way because of the past. Therefore, to me anyway, if I think that my T is not there for me it could be down to transference because my Mother was not able to be there for me emotionally. That doesn't mean my T isn't there for me emotionally it is what I am transferring onto her. That said it could also be because she actually isnt there for me and that is where the difficulty with transference comes in because we need to decipher between what is real and happening in the moment and what is the transferred stuff. That transference can often block what is actually going on in the here and now.

I believe that what a lot of people call maternal transference is more a deep longing for nurturing and maternal love, not transference. This can be caused by inadequate parenting and is very real. I guess it could also be caused by a lot of other things but I am no expert.

To me, attachment happens or does not happen in all walks of life with all different types of people and is different for all of us dependent upon our personalities and charachteristics, of which our attachment style is a part. It can be a rocky road navigating this from the little I have read and should not be undertaken lightly if it is to be worked through properly.

Just some rambling thoughts.

[objectclient]

Originally Posted by BudFox

With insecure attachment the child internalizes shame, experiences the world as unsafe, does not trust, has trouble regulating emotions and physiology and so on.

That describes me EXACTLY. Even as a young child, I was terribly fearful and anxious.

Originally Posted by justafriend306

I don't understand any of this at all. A relationship with a therapist or psychiatrist is purely professional to think otherwise to me seems delusional.

Originally Posted by Breadfish

It's not about THINKING otherwise - it's about FEELING otherwise. (I think - I've never experienced transference in therapy)

Yes, it's about feeling not thinking. Why else would you want hugs from a virtual stranger who you pay to help you?

[Cinnamon_Stick]

I think transference is when you transfer feelings, thoughts and emotions onto another person and sometimes that person can remind you of someone else. You are projecting your feelings onto someone else. Like someone else said, with maternal transference its this deep longing for a mother figure. Sometimes your T can make you feel so good, so loved and cared for and important. You have there full attention for an hour. They really care about your well being. Would wouldn't love that and become attached to that? I think maternal transference is also the wish and longing for that person you are having it with to be your parent.

I didn't know what transference was or even experienced it until I started therapy again (it has been on and off again for years) in July of 2014. Its tough to feel it and go through it and wish so desperately for that person to fill a different role. Talking to my T about it was the best thing I did and she helped to explain it, accept it, help me through it and remind me that it was normal and given my childhood, it is under stable. I am so thankful she was so helpful and didn't push me away because of it.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by objectclient

Perhaps it does do damage to clients like myself, I don't know. It certainly hurts when the therapy is over and you feel that the bond you built up is taken away. It's almost reenacting the traumas that perhaps led to insecure attachments in the first place.

All true for me.

Originally Posted by justafriend306

I don't understand any of this at all. A relationship with a therapist or psychiatrist is purely professional to think otherwise to me seems delusional.

Say what? The whole thing is clearly engineered to lure clients into strong feelings directed at the therapist. The delusion is certainly not with clients, if anything the profession is delusional about the wiseness and sanity of provoking this. A core part of the problem in my opinion is that it appears to be a professional relationship, but the level of intimacy and the role play disorients and confuses the client into feeling something else entirely.

[objectclient]

Originally Posted by Cinnamon_Stick

I think transference is when you transfer feelings, thoughts and emotions onto another person and sometimes that person can remind you of someone else. You are projecting your feelings onto someone else. Like someone else said, with maternal transference its this deep longing for a mother figure. Sometimes your T can make you feel so good, so loved and cared for and important. You have there full attention for an hour. They really care about your well being. Would wouldn't love that and become attached to that? I think maternal transference is also the wish and longing for that person you are having it with to be your parent.

I didn't know what transference was or even experienced it until I started therapy again (it has been on and off again for years) in July of 2014. Its tough to feel it and go through it and wish so desperately for that person to fill a different role. Talking to my T about it was the best thing I did and she helped to explain it, accept it, help me through it and remind me that it was normal and given my childhood, it is under stable. I am so thankful she was so helpful and didn't push me away because of it.

That's a good point. My T didn't remind me of anyone, especially not my mother. She just seemed to be the sort of person that I always longed for as a mother figure - understanding, attentive, nurturing, encouraging. I was always confused about whether the type of transference I was experiencing was a reminder of a good relationship with my mother when I was a child that I somehow lost memory of, or whether it is telling me that the longing I felt was an indication of something missing. I can remember having this longing as far back as the age of 5 and my whole life, I have been attaching (perhaps excessively) to female authority figures (teachers, bosses, therapists) who I look to to fulfill this longing and of course, they never did and I found myself continuously let down in the end by all of them.

When I felt this transference happening with my T, I felt that I hated her at the same time as longed for her and I wanted her to let me down. Why would that be?

Originally Posted by BudFox

All true for me.


Say what? The whole thing is clearly engineered to lure clients into strong feelings directed at the therapist. The delusion is certainly not with clients, if anything the profession is delusional about the wiseness and sanity of provoking this. A core part of the problem in my opinion is that it appears to be a professional relationship, but the level of intimacy and the role play disorients and confuses the client into feeling something else entirely.

I think the issue is when therapists refuse to acknowledge their clients feelings or "transference" as they like to call it. By ignoring our feelings, they neglect the terrible hurt we feel when we finally have to break that bond.