[ThisWayOut]

This question comes out of thoughts about another thread (though at the moment I can't remember if it was the poll on attachment, or the one on getting special treatment from t).

In your experience, does having outside contact with t make or break any obsessions with t?

I think, for myself, having the extra contact is helpful. It gives me the ability to get some reality checks. When I've had t's who were unavailable, I found myself often struggling with the belief that they hated me or were mad about something I said during therapy... I know this won't matter to some people, since they don't struggle with attachment or obsessing about t.

[runlola72]

Wow I have no outside contact with T and absolutely struggle with feeling he hates me. Right now I am feeling that acutely. For me it likely has to do with echoes from my past, absent father, etc. But in general I am very quick to feel disliked and it makes me want to run the other way. I really feel like I want to quit right now.
My last T was far less experienced and kind of on the wrong track with me as far as the root of my issues but I *loved* the contact and never once felt deprived.

[ruh roh]

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

This question comes out of thoughts about another thread (though at the moment I can't remember if it was the poll on attachment, or the one on getting special treatment from t).

In your experience, does having outside contact with t make oroom break any obsessions with t?

I think, for myself, having the extra contact is helpful. It gives me the ability to get some reality checks. When I've had t's who were unavailable, I found myself often struggling with the belief that they hated me or were mad about something I said during therapy... I know this won't matter to some people, since they don't struggle with attachment or obsessing about t.

No, it doesn't cause obsessions for me. It feels good when I don't have anything going on that I need to contact her about, or when I have things going on that I can handle just fine without any help. Contact between sessions doesn't fuel anything of the sort I read about on here. I'm glad there are therapists who do have contact and aren't afraid to engage

[MobiusPsyche]

I have the option of emailing but hardly ever use it. Mainly we use email as a way to share interesting/relevant articles with each other. Having it available does not fuel my attachment and might make it more secure than it otherwise would be.

After a recent crisis, she suggested that I could have emailed her. I had forgotten about that option, or ruled it out.

I can call for anything but rarely do. She will call back but it might be a day or two later.

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It doesn't make a difference to me, when I wasn't attached it was no big deal, and now that I am attached it doesn't seem a big deal either.
Part of the reason for that might be that we never get into conversations via email. He usually sends me a few words by way of reply and occasionally doesn't reply at all. I probably care a little more about that than I used to, but for me, the lack of expectation of a reply stops it from feeling like an attachment thing.

[Pennster]

I don't obsess about my therapist per se, but I do have a strong tendency to ruminate. In my first round of therapy, I had no outside contact, and if something had upset me I would ruminate about it all week. This tended to be quite damaging to me, and I had no way of knowing how to deal with it. I would often become extremely distressed. The whole experience was deeply retraumatizing, and I became really haunted by the idea that I was totally alone, and that no one would help me. (This despite having a strong network of friends and family. But we were dredging up such strong memories of situations where I had been alone and traumatized in early childhood, and i had no way of coping with these in just one hour a week.)

I have outside contact now so this is no longer a problem. When I have been overwhelmed I have been able to work with my therapist on a plan to get me moving again. I can reach out if I need to clarify something. Through telephone coaching I've been able to develop my ability to stop the spiral downward. Being able to feel I can count on my therapist makes me feel I have a safety net, so there have been a few areas I've been willing to take more risks with, knowing that I can access support if I need it. I feel so strongly in my gut that my therapist is trying to help me, and will continue to do so. This has been enormously helpful to me.

[wheeler]

My exT encouraged texting, and outside contact. At the time I felt it really helped my obsession and attachment issues. Unfortunately after nearly 5 years exT closed her practiced, which felt like abandonment to me. So in the long run I'm not sure if her availability helped me or not, given how it played out.

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

This question comes out of thoughts about another thread (though at the moment I can't remember if it was the poll on attachment, or the one on getting special treatment from t).

In your experience, does having outside contact with t make oroom break any obsessions with t?

I think, for myself, having the extra contact is helpful. It gives me the ability to get some reality checks. When I've had t's who were unavailable, I found myself often struggling with the belief that they hated me or were mad about something I said during therapy... I know this won't matter to some people, since they don't struggle with attachment or obsessing about t.

It's a tool. And like all tools, needs someone who knows how to use that tool for the tool to be of any use

[junkDNA]

i text my T a lot for reassurance. he has said this is ok. it helps me get reality checks. for example i will ask if he still cares, or is mad at me. and he will always reassure me. but, lately ive just been thinking that its an automatic answer at this point. i mean... hes not really gonna say no i dont care anymore. so i dont know what the truth is anyway

I can call my T and he will get back to me that day. We don't email or text. I like the fact that I have to pick up the phone and make a call. It gives me the opportunity to think about actually trying to handle whatever is going on using the healthy skills I have first.

While most clients can probably handle email/texting without it becoming obsessive or impulsive, it seems for some clients texting or emailing availability can lead to rather impulsive contact because there is little opportunity to delay gratification; it's too quick. Many clients have no problem with appropriately using these means of communication on their own, but we've seen cases right here on PC of therapists who had to change their rules concerning emails and texts with certain clients because it became too easy, too frequent for them, or there were constant misunderstandings because the written texts/emails were misinterpreted/overinterpreted.

Personally, I think wise therapists will wait until they know a client better before deciding to introduce that kind of immediate contact availability. Backtracking/redrawing boundary lines after the fact, as we've seen over and over again on everything from emailing to touch, creates all sorts of heartache.

[stopdog]

I write the first one (letters or email - I don't want her reply - I usually just want to get something away from me) I see or I could call or I could schedule another appointment (I am not certain with the first - she is becoming more and more retired - but in the past I could) - I could probably even text but I am not much of a texter with anyone an can't imagine a reason to do it with a therapist except for appointment situation (running late sort of thing). It has not made dependent upon her.
The second one, just about every week, tells me to call her if I need to (there are very few reasons I would ever need to call a therapist - in 5 years I have probably called 4 times.
The few times I do contact them, they always seem rather over the top in saying good for contacting me (especially the second one). None of these things have turned me into being obsessed with them or wanting more contact with them.

[peaches100]

Email was always helpful for me. It reduced my obsessiveness and reassured me that she was out there somewhere, and still cared, even if we were not actually together. It helped me hold onto a connection with her between sessions, rather than going through what almost felt like a painful withdrawal after ever session, which would result in my feeling disconnected and emotionless the following week. It was almost impossible to work that way because it felt like I was in protective armor and could not access my emotions or any feelings of attachment. So yes, it helped me.

What damaged me was when my t decided down the road that she no longer wanted to receive so many emails from me, or such long emails, that would require her to read and reply so much. Although I understood and complied the best I could to her request, it hurt badly because I wasn't using the email as a crutch. At the time, I really did need it to keep that connection alive inside me, rather than losing all awareness of it once I left her office.

To be told that she didn't want to hear from me so much, or have to read so much about my feelings, felt awful. It felt like she had stopped caring about me and that my feelings didn't matter to her as much anymore. It mnade me feel ashamed, like I was a pest and a burden, which was exactly the way I felt with my mom as a little girl. I complied with my t's request and backed way off, emailing only when an absolute last resort. But it damaged our relationship and our work together.

Now, my t sometimes encourages me to email if I need her support. But it instantly brings up feelings of guilt and shame. The trigger of "old stuff" with my mom. And since I know my t didn't really want me to bother her with my emails in the past, I find it hard to believe she honestly wants me to do it now. I think she offers because she thinks now that it would help me. But I can't do it without feeling bad. I don't want to be a burden.

[UglyDucky]

In my experience, being one who avoids contacting T outside sessions as much as I can, contacting T when I'm in a bad place is extremely helpful and tends to reduce my obsession w/T...or any issue taking place between us. Some Ts believe allowing contact (whatever that may be: texts, emails, calls) builds trust, encourages a positive alliance and attachment experience for the client. I understand Ts not wanting to have a whole session by text or email and wanting to limit contact to emergencies or brief assurances. Maybe you could talk to your T and ask her to give you a better understanding of when it's appropriate for you to contact her out of session...?

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

I think, for myself, having the extra contact is helpful. It gives me the ability to get some reality checks. When I've had t's who were unavailable, I found myself often struggling with the belief that they hated me or were mad about something I said during therapy... I know this won't matter to some people, since they don't struggle with attachment or obsessing about t.

I also felt like this a lot about my former T. There woukd always be something she said or did that would make me worry.

[PinkFlamingo99]

I swore I would never call my new one outside the session. The hospital doesn't really like it anyway. It's against the rules but she said it's mainly to stop people from constantly calling. Email isn't allowed ever (I got in trouble from my surgeon's scary secretary for emailing once about something other than an appt). After 1.5 yrs I called her hysterically two times this week from the hospital and it helped me SO much. This afternoon she had already left early (it's a long weekend here, Monday is a holiday), but she called me back from the car and was SO kind and underatanding. It made me feel better. Even the secretary insisted on letting her know I called even though I said not to, because she said I sounded bad.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I'm not obsessed with T. However, emailing and calling T helps me so much. Having that reassurance so I don't have to worry about things during the week helps. Plus she helps calm me down.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

Phone calls and emails have always been helpful for me. So much happened between my sessions (they weren't weekly) that it helped to mention something and get her feedback. It also helped to keep connected to her between sessions and she said she was on board with the emails to stay connected as long as therapy was not being done through email. Phone calls were the most helpful when I was having a hard time and she always calmed me down and it was so soothing to hear her voice. I think if out of session contact is all the time it can hurt any "obsession one might have".