[Ellahmae]

Continued From - Dear T: XVII

[Mondayschild]

Dear T,

We have a session tonignt and I don't want to see you. I'm angry and agitated and I'm afraid that I'm going to take it out on you and then you will see a side of me that I don't want you to see. This is exactly why I need to come and process but I want to go back to bed and hide until Friday when I can start my day over.

*life is a beautiful lie*

Again I wish you would just hit me so i knew where I am with you. Instead its this stupid confusing dance and i can't tell the difference between friend or f***. And I am too scared to ask you in case it is neither...

[Waterbear]

Old T. Yes that's right, I said it, I am hurting. I hope my email wasn't too much, I just needed a T to talk about my T to. Oh man this is too much. I wonder what you will think of my idea of the letter to the new T. I hope that you think it is OK and that you wouldn't mind and that if you do write it then I think it is good when I read it!!

New T. Today's session was pants. I don't think the school playing fields being so close and it being lunch break helped much either. Maybe lunchtime sessions are not such a great idea but that is all you seem to offer. Why can't you see what I need, why can't you be a mind reader. No, wait, maybe scrap the mind reading bit. Hoping we can try and talk about this next week now I am getting over my complex of the word need. Need. Need
Need. Need. Need. Practice makes perfect and all that. What would you think to having a letter from old T I wonder.

[BrazenApogee]

We Played Games! I was so happy. I expected you to laugh in my face and say "I only play games with 10 year olds" like my horrible old T. But no, You had ALL the games stacked up on the desk! Trouble and connect 4, Uno and Yahtzee, all the game things. It felt like christmas! And we had fun, and I didn't have to talk about bad stuff. Just that little break was so awesome. Like Therapy ice-cream. And I left and wasn't horribly upset for once.

[healed84]

T.. Sometimes I think you are just feeding me lies. You say things will better, I am not forever damaged, I am a good person. It's been 4 years of me coming to you and here I am, coming back to the same damn place.. Is it time to give up yet?

[junkDNA]

t,

well it didnt pan out but i got to talk to u on the steps for a bit. ohhhhhhhh welllllllllllllllllllllllll

me

It should be 'I need to tell you something but I don't know how'

[LonesomeTonight]

Dear P-doc,
I hope it's OK I sent you that e-mail. I just had to get all my thoughts out about meds, and I'm not so good at doing that in the office. I hope you read it before session (is it still a "session" if it's a 25-minute med check?) Or else I'll give you a copy to read. I imagine if I'd sent it earlier in the week, you'd have talked to MC or T about it (though T is of a more similar mindset to me re: medication, though I've also talked about it much more to her). But probably not enough time to do that now, and she's out of town, so... I'll guess we'll just see how things go tomorrow... Nervous like I usually am to see you...even though you're very nice and caring. I think it still goes back to the time you suggested the day program and the panic I felt then...even though that was months ago.

Originally Posted by Illegal Toilet

It should be 'I need to tell you something but I don't know how'

I refer you to the ellipsis...

ellipsis say so much tis true!

[Sarah1985]

I need your help so bad. I'm REALLY struggling tonight. I know your leaving to go out of town tomorrow, and this feels horrible. I'm mad you brought "it" all up when you are leaving. It's not fair. I'm now stuck with it all and no support.

[ejayy78]

T I want to call you but I am so scared. I keep going to your number on my phone and freaking out and closing call screen. I found out tonight my abuser is getting out of jail. I know I told you at one point that it was a possibility but that was months ago and now it's actually happening in a few weeks. You would want me to call. But I'm scared to say this out loud. It makes it real and it would make me feel even less safe than I do right now.

Originally Posted by Illegal Toilet

It should be 'I need to tell you something but I don't know how'

Are you referring to the shortening of the thread name? As a visual person I identify a thread firstly by its lenght then its title.

[Ellahmae]

Originally Posted by BunYip

Are you referring to the shortening of the thread name? As a visual person I identify a thread firstly by its lenght then its title.

Sorry. I did it quickly.

Originally Posted by Illegal Toilet

It should be 'I need to tell you something but I don't know how'

Originally Posted by Ellahmae

Sorry. I did it quickly.

Thats ok. I am not complaining.

[annielovesbacon]

pdoc: I see you in four days. I always get scared when I go to your office. I feel like you don't listen to me. I'm tired of my T telling me I have bipolar and you telling me it's just depression. I know it's not just depression. I know there's something more. Please give me the help I need.

T: I can't wait to see you next week. That's all.

You're a pig-headed control freak!! Leave me alone. You have absolutely NO RIGHTS as far as I am concerned.

The tide will turn....wait for it.....

T,

We have a session later today. I wish I wasn't just part of your job.

[RedSun]

Dear T

Me too.


Red xxx

I curse you every day, every night and in between. You have brought me nothing but agony. How would YOU like to be treated the way YOU treated ME? How would YOU Like it if your CHILDREN were manipulated, bullied and brought to tears every day for years??? Have you lost your mind???

[Ellahmae]

Dearest T,

I understand why.
Makes sense.
Still hate it.
No words.
Just miss you.
Wish I could just sit with you.
Just be with you.
My inner child needs your comfort.

EM

[LonesomeTonight]

Dear P-doc,
So you said all this stuff today (like you'd said before) about how you didn't feel comfortable prescribing me a benzo PRN because I drink alcohol and acted like it was off the table (even though I had a prescription in the past under the other p-doc)...and then at the end of the appointment, you wrote me a prescription for 10 Ativan? So confused. Maybe my (very long) e-mail helped, then? Or the fact that I said at the appointment that I was being honest with you, that if I just wanted the medication, I would lie and say I didn't drink much anymore? Or maybe you talked to MC and/or T about my e-mail, and they said they thought it would be OK? Whatever happened, I'm glad you are trying to trust me.

[Waterbear]

Old T. Thanks for getting back to me, I know I can rely on you to do so within a reasonable time frame. You keep the boundaries but do not seem afraid of connecting with me, of accepting what it is that is needed and of providing it as best you can. I am starting to get annoyed that I can't seem to find someone like you, someone who gets it. Maybe I am just not giving them a chance. Thanks for saying you will think about how you can help and get back to me. I hope you know how much you are appreciated.

New T. Did my email scare you or are you just too busy? Why won't you just talk to me. Why won't you just be real to me. I will give this a fair chance because I have to I think. I have given up on hearing from you any time soon what with the weekend upon us now. See ya next week.

[Mondayschild]

Dear T,

I'm grateful that our session went completely opposite of what I thought would happen. I was so aggravated and irritable and I was certain, do to my own insecurities that you would terminate me. I told you how I keep waiting for you to reject me, that I'm too high maintenance and you will give up on me. I know that trust on my side is slow and so often I take huge steps backwards, but you just handle it in stride.

We talked about my negative transference with you and where that comes from when it happens. My need for you to see me, to acknowledge me is a horrible by product of a father who didn't love me.

Later you brought up some things you remembered about our first sessions that had nothing to do with therapy and I was elated. Things I've said that have stuck with you after seeing you for 14 months. I needed that so much. I felt calmer and some small part of me healed. I was worth remembering.

I'm sorry I'm so difficult, even if you don't think I am.

#Life is a beautiful lie#