Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something... Part XVIII

t,

do NOT read that email in front of me. i might actually die on ur couch.

me

T
I am NOT psychotic! Stop asking the questions.

I feel that I'm not worth wasting your time and expertise on

When i come Wednesday to pick up that ppwk and give you what i filled out, i am going to want to apologize for being so impossible lately. It's not a session, just pickup/drop off ppwk, so i better not start talking. Maybe I'll just write it on the form i filled out. Maybe you should come outside. If i go inside I'll want to talk. I really want to sort out w you whatever is going on between us, this push-pull thing. But it has to wait til my next session...

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MC,
I could just sit and banter with you all day. And hey, we got lots of useful psychological stuff out of today's session, too, while also having some fun. You did a good job today understanding both H's and my perspective on things and helping us both understand the other's. So, thanks.

Also, for some reason, I thought you were the youngest of three, but you're actually the youngest of four? Huh. Maybe you just never mention the other brother?

I love that I can see the love and care on your face without having to hear the words.

Next time i get a bonus i may ask for a double session...

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T,

I miss you already.

I'm thankful for the relationship we have.
It may be out of the norm.
It might be looked at as wrong.
But we're meant to work together.
I believe you're sincere when you say that.
I hope you are.

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How long are you going to continue trying to orchestrate my life?

Your obsession with me is NOT going to turn out well for you.

Dear T
I guess we will have a hard session today.
Last session you confessed that you have done many mistakes in my therapy... many failures. You apologized. But you know... its not enough.... I cant trust you anymore...

Dear T
I know I can forgive you one day, but Its hard when you dont care and ignore my massages...
And now... 60% rise in fees....
I think I should see you less than before and forget my dependency slowly...
And Im going to tell you these today...

60% raise in fees? Wow. That's crazy.

Dear T,
I'm embarrassed at my repetitive crap ... I fear/project that you're disillusioned with me.

T,

Your text helped me stop crying and get out of bed.

Thanks

Me

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I can't take it anymore. The only way I can get relief is to kill myself. At least before, you used to help me in between sessions but I am alone now and hurting so much, its agonizing.

What happened? No more help between sessions now?

T,
Last time we had a kind of hard but really productive session. I feel like I've regressed since then. I feel like I'm going to let you down. I'm afraid to tell you I'm still feeling suicidal... I don't want to talk about it. I know I need to tell you, but I wish I could just tell you and have you not ask any questions.
Only three more days till I get to see you. God I hope I can make it.

I'm kicking myself for not being able to handle life this week and having to schedule an extra session. Please be gentle with me this week. I'm feeling very fragile, very scared. I don't know if I'll be able to adequately express how I'm feeling when I see you. Just please, don't push me too hard. I've felt safer than ever with you lately but right now, I feel so unsafe and I'm scared that feeling of not being safe is going to follow me into your office.

T,

I wish I had more of you in my "objectively okay but I feel miserable" life.

Last session 2 weeks ago you made it very clear that there were red flags all over the place. Two nights ago, I chose to ignore the red flags and have decided to pursue this relationship again I don't know how things are going to go, but will know more tonight and on Friday night. I just couldn't bring myself to tell you today and I feel bad about it. I need to do what I want to do even if there are potential consequences or a chance at getting hurt. There is also a chance that things could really work out! I hope that in 2 weeks I can tell you what I've been up to and hopefully everything will have worked out. I think that there are good explanations for the red flags and want to explore it more on my own. I know you care about me and don't want me to get hurt, but if I don't explore my feelings and this relationship, I will have never known if the red flags were legit or if they weren't.

t,

i fainted last night. it was really frightening. as i was laying on the floor trying to get up, hearing loud ringing in my ears, i thought well this is it i guess. i srsly thought i was going to die there on the floor. yet, i didnt want to call 911 or yell for my roommate. it was like i accepted it even though i did feel scared. the whole thing felt very surreal. i cant stop thinking about it

me

One simple phrase you asked me to repeat.
** *** *** **** *****.
One 2 word thing that happened to me.
****** *****
We spent an entire hour on those 7 words.
** *** *** **** *****.
****** *****.

They have turned my day upside down today.
I don't know how to process them.

T, oh god oh god...why can't I shut up?!?! Why did I send you that email?'

T i hope you will have a minute or 2 for me to say something when i come to pick up the ppwk. I'm happy to pay a prorated fee if you need me to. That's how much i need to say this.

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Thanks for answering my email that I sent after a meltdown concerning my parents last night. I never expected an answer right away. I kinda feel bad that I disturbed your real life. Ok, I really feel bad. You were probably about to go to bed. Thanks for being the sane and mature person my parents can't seem to be right now.