Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something... Part XVIII

Dear t,
I hate it when you go away training, when I am fully trained can I come with you?
I really need to talk to you, I am feeling tired and overwhelmed emotionally t. You have a way of calming me and reassuring me that you are there and everything will be ok.

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I'm not ready to start reassuring myself.
I still need you.

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Dear T,

It really came to me today that I make some decisions based on what I think that you want from me. Rather than just do what I want to do, I stop to think what you would think about what I did or was going to do. I need to hold firm on this and run my life how I want it run and not always try and impress you or make you happy.

And regarding my family, I want to feel like you are on my side and mad at the people I'm mad at. When you don't react, it frustrates me. What do you really think about all of this crap I'm being dealt?

It's time for me to write an "if i can tell you anything" letter. This one is going to be a doozy

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It was an epic fail! Ive got to spend the weekend with these airheads.

T,
I only have two weeks left with you. I'm so scared for you to leave. What am I going to do without you?
I feel as if I have lucked out when I got you as my T. It was completely random, I didn't choose you, but you are the perfect T for me.
Whoever my next T is, if I even have a next T, I know she will not be as good to me as you...

What do you do to someone who has taken away your entire life from you? Taken friends, taken loved ones, ruined your career?? What would YOU do to someone who took all that from YOU??

I cry a lot but can you blame me when every aspect of my life has been tainted by power hungry control freaks who are out to destroy me?

New T. I am sorry I doubted you and thank you for replying, on a Saturday. I hope I can talk about that letter on Tuesday and I hope that you say that you can work with me in that way. I can't imagine that you will but I will do my best yo keep an open mind. Thank you.

T,
I am undecided if I am going to tell you i went out at 10:00 last night to buy a 6-pack. It just that May 26 is soooo far away! And I just wanted a refreshing cold beer on a friday night, dammit! I know you won't judge, as you didn't when i had a couple of beers a few weeks ago. At least i am not buying bourbon, right?

t,

when u pulled out that drug test i actually got a little nervous, haha. i peed in the cup for u and you tested it and came back in and said yay!!! i guess my intial nervous reaction was just habit.... so many times ive been tested ive hidden something. this time though it was clean, i am clean.

have a good wkend T

me

Progress is happening............slow, but I'll take that.

I don't know how to just feel what I feel where you are concerned. Why is it so hard. Why do I feel like I need you so much. I am sorry.

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Good grief! You would disparage my character in order to exonerate yourself. I guess I shouldn't be surprised but, the truth is, I am.

I am just a hopeless fool.

You tried to get me to talk about it today, this push-pull thing, what's going on between us that's causing it, even asked me if I feel anger towards you, I want to talk about it I do, but I don't know how, all's I know is I love you and I feel like that's wrong of me, and today I was trying to be there in the moment and just feel what I feel and not try to explain or figure it out just whatever, but I couldn't do it, I could hardly look at you, and the few times I did look at you, I looked away quickly. One of those times you had that look on your face again... the one where you're just sitting there being all of you accepting all of me, and I couldn't take it, I had to tell you to stop it and look away. what in heaven's name is going on with me? with us? Oh, I don't understand this at all. I want to talk about it, I need to talk about it, but I'm so nervous I can't. When you look at me like you were today, like you're seeing right into my very soul, it makes me want to run away and hide. And it's not because I don't trust you. Because I do. It's just, it's been a very long time since anyone has looked at me that way. A very very long time. 30 flipping YEARS, okay? And it was Jill that used to look at me that way. She saw ME. So rarely does anyone see past all of my defenses. She did though. And so do you. Maybe that's why it makes me want to run away now. Because it reminds me of her. I don't know. Gah I hate this. I want to talk to you right now!!! Perhaps I will write some about it....use my angst in my art, or something.

I love you, t. And I'm sorry if I shouldn't. And I'm sorry that I couldn't talk about it today.

And I 'm sorry but I'm feeling like I just can't do this anymore.

T,

Thank you for being kind and gentle last Friday. And for telling me that it would take a lot more for you to find me gross.

You're right that I will still miss you when we terminate because I value relationships.

I just wanted to say thank you. I get that we can't continue to work together and I have finally admitted to myself and to you that it is hurting me. That is the first time I have ever admitted to someone that I am hurting and you responded by saying you were sorry it was so painful. Thank you for being all you can be and doing all that you can do to make this easier. I know that you can't do anything to make the pain go away but by just being there, by trying to make this transition as good as possible and by acknowledging what this is, you have given me more than anyone ever has.

You are THE most heartless, selfish, superficial, shell of a human being as I have ever encountered. You know all too well how to manipulate people, even other professionals (how embarrassing for THEM). One day you will try it with the wrong person and you will lose badly. I expect to see your face on the news one day being walked out in handcuffs.

Dear t: I don't know how to talk to you anymore. Something has changed between us and I don't know what it is. It isn't you, you were warm and calm and asking the right questions as usual but something just felt.... different.... off... I don't know what it is and I felt sad and nervous yesterday because I couldn't just SAY it, that something has changed. You even asked "what is going on between us, causing this push-pull?" That was exactly the question I wanted to ask but couldn't spit it out, and I couldn't even tell you that I didn't know the answer, I just babbled about everything else under the sun. Maybe I'll write you a letter and mail it. I don't even want to email. It's happening again you know. I 'pushed' you away yest and didn't talk about it and insisted on scheduling out 2 weeks and now I sit here and want you immediately. I hate this so much. I hate these feelings. I told you yesterday I just wanted to be able to let them happen, and not have to understand, but that was as much as I could say and I don't think it really told you anything. Gah. I wish I had the finances for twice weekly. It would probably do me a lot of good right now. Bah.

Dear t,
I am really feeling my sadness and it hurts. I know you always say that in Oder for it to pass I have to go through it but it has been with me for nearly two weeks and there is no sign of it passing. I wish that you were here with me so I could see something at the other end to get through this. I know you are away training and with your t friends and so you are not even thinking of me. This feels different, this sadness, my sadness. I realise I am painfully alone and it hurts because all I can remember is when I wasn't alone. It's like the past is haunting me, well if you were here you would ask me to say my past is haunting me and it really is. I feel lost and alone and in a Pitt of despair, there is no escape t and I don't see you till Friday.

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All right, All right!... I'm going! I'm going!

Dear T,
There's so many things that I don't tell you, but I can't. You think you've got me figured out, but you don't. The last few times, you said I was a classic case of GAD and didn't really listen to what I was saying. I'm scared to tell you that I self-harm, I don't feel like you take me seriously, I'm spinning out of control and you don't help. I don't want my symptoms to be written off on a catch-all disorder, I want you to talk and listen and help like is your job.
Every time, before an appointment, I write this down. I have a list of my problems and thoughts I want to share. Yet all we talk about it school and my parents. Won't you listen? I'm running out of patience and running out of lies. And every time I see the amount of money it costs, not covered by our insurance, I wince because when my parents ask if it's helping I say yes. Just because I think I might actually be able to share next time.

t,

yesterday was 19 years since my dad died. i felt ok most of yesterday.

i kinda feel bad for not feeling bad. does that make sense???

ho hum

me

Dear MC,
Not sure if we'll get to see you tomorrow if DD is still sick. If she's sick, H will likely stay home to help out. Wish I could then just come see you by myself, but not sure if you'd be OK with it or not. And I don't want to take the chance of asking either. So, yeah, hope to see you but there's a good chance I won't...

I'm going to miss you this week. Hope you are happy wherever you are.

I understand and I hope that my understanding has not come too late.