Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something... Part XVIII

I don't know what to do. I can't do this. Everything. I feel so hopeless. So alone. So much pain. It has been like this for so many years. Sometimes I feel a little bit less strong feelings, but it Always comes back.
I have no one.

I miss pdoc. I didn't saw him much and our appointments were short, but they were sort of good for me.
I don't know if I miss T-on-leave. There's just so much. So many things that are unclear/unsure to me.

Can you help me? I don't know if I can be helped. Meds helped a little bit, but it isn't enough. I can't go on like this for years and years. I'm not strong.
I feel so so bad. I need someone. But there isn't anyone. Not for me.
Help me, please.

god you people are so ****ing full of yourselves.

Wow, kinda harsh, SD. :/
Are you ok?

Thank you for such a wonderful last session. It was so loving, so caring, such compassion pouring from you. You really made me feel loved. I am so grateful to have had you as a therapist but at the same time I am feeling such a deep sadness. I already miss you and our space together, my safe room. I will carry you and your love inside me and its safe and protected there. You were truly amazing and changed my life. I love you and I am so glad for the time we had.

Nothing and no one is safe right now. I wish I could escape.

t,

yooooooooooo i need to go to bed. i think when i dont sleep i start to slip into nutter land
i kinda like the way i feel right now tho... which is prob a bad thing.
me

Did you get enough dirt on me yet?? Are there any questions left unanswered?? I wouldn't want to disappoint your audience. I just called a friend. Do you need the details?? Sc______ You and the rest of the psychos who are infiltrating my life illegally.

Thank you for today, t. It felt really good to just smile, accept the loving feelings and let myself tell you how important this relationship is to me. I know I talked a lot today.... guess I was kinda hyper wasn't I? But you know what, I was really proud of myself for working through those intense feelings from a couple weeks ago, and for sharing the process I went through with you today. And it felt so good to be sitting there with you today, talking like usual, and not be in the grip of that intensity like I was last time I was there. And that grin on your face when I told you that I'd done that work while attempting to fill out your form, when I said that's why you wanted me to fill it out, cuz you knew that would happen, didn't you? You're just awesome like that. Thanks for being you, t.

Dear T,

Someone said we were ****ing full of ourselves in a thread dedicated to the stuff that gets shoved down and unsaid in real life so now I'll never have a dramatic feeling again. I am so glad I was enlightened.

It was kinda funny though, when we were talking about that day of black rage that I had earlier in the week that I didn't know where it came from, when you said "Invite it to tea" and I said "That's a little too pretty".... And that card you pulled out, the Pele/goddess of fire card (where'd that deck come from anyway? How does it just materialize like that? Are you a magician too?) For one thing I never even saw the cards, and then you found that one so quickly, how did you do that?! But it's the perfect picture for how I felt. The angry red color, and the black, and the fire, and the volcano... yeah, t, that was how the anger/rage felt that day.

Invite it to tea, indeed. Yeah, maybe if I want my china reduced to powder. I love your innocence sometimes

Didn't think it was all that harsh. I am reading a book by one of them.

stopdog is this about a T (or T's) or are you saying it to the people in this thread? You are completely entitled to your opinion either way, and if it's the first one I'm very sorry I misunderstood, but I hope that if it was the second one and it was directed toward us maybe next time just ignore the thread if it bugs you, then everyone is happy

For clarification purposes (just following the title of the thread so of course it was directed at therapists-but to clear up the seeming confusion)
Dear therapists: god you people (therapists) are so ****ing full of yourselves....

If I bother any other poster, just put me on your ignore list.

Dear MC,
I think I figured out part of why your reaction to my e-mail bothered me. I wish it had occurred to me before I talked to you on the phone Friday. I would e-mail it to you, but I don't know if you'd read it before our session tomorrow (based on previous Sunday e-mails). And I'm not sure about bringing it up in session--not sure how H would react to it, though maybe it would be OK? Or maybe I'll bring it up with T first Tuesday and see if she thinks it makes sense (I suspect she will). Or I'll just see how I'm feeling tomorrow.

T,

Even though on Friday I said "I don't have to hurt myself later" in a bid to stave off self punishment for saying "My parents are bad" to you, I ended up hurting myself on Sunday.

SD,
I am so sorry, I misunderstood!

I thought SD was saying that abt therapists

Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk

Oops sorry. Didn't see the clarification

Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk

Oops t! I forgot to tell you happy birth month yesterday! Meant to do that. I'll remember next time. It's not like you told me which day, anyway.

OMG. Paternal transference is happening isn't it? I am not prepared for that!

New T. I don't trust you. I thought I could but I was wrong.

Yeah, SD was talking to therapists. I was in a testy mood and apparently should not get on internet boards in that condition because I jumped straight to that wrong conclusion.

My apologies, Stopdog, for my smartassery-ness and wrong assumption.

Dear T1

Somehow you got beneath my skin
Or was it me who let you in?
I don't believe you meant it
Each day that I lament it
I know that I can't win.

Somehow I've got to let you go
Moving on so I can grow
I'm tired of going through it
Do I have the strength to do it?
I'm afraid that I don't know.

Looking forward to seeing you. Horribly triggered.

: I hope you're not done , I'm enjoying this - I love poetry ! And poetry helps us to reach places - William Blake was quite the master