[Polyphony]

Hi Everyone,

I don't reach out here as often as I should, but I really need some support right now. I recently graduated from college and am in the middle of the highly-stressful process of trying to find a teaching job. Due to the fact that I am no longer an active student at my university, my T and I will need to terminate before August of this year.

I know that there have been a billion and one different threads about terminating therapy, but I'm specifically wondering if anyone has any advice about how to cope with the emotions that come with terminating a really close, really positive therapeutic relationship.

To speak less matter-of-factly and more emotionally, losing my T feels like losing one of the most important people in my entire life. He came into my world at a time when I truly believed that nobody could reach me. Never in my wildest dreams did I believe that I could ever be this okay...never did I believe that I could build such strong and powerful relationships with people in my actual life. We have had so much success together and the relationship is overwhelmingly positive.

I love him very much and am so grateful for our work together.

But the grief...

Oh my goodness. The grief.

I want to face this parting courageously and with the confidence I need to go out into the world without him...but I just don't feel those things. Even more than I want to be brave like that, I want to cling to him. I want to keep him. I don't feel like our work is finished--this is not my choice. I am not happy that it's out of my control, but there is nothing I can do to change it.

How do I do this? It feels like the hardest thing I'll have to do...and that's saying something. We have dug right into the worst things I have ever experienced and this still feels like it's going to be harder than all of it.

I feel like I have to cry a lot.

I want to take care of myself. If you don't have any advice regarding how I might be able to cope better with this, it's okay. But please tell me I'm not the only one who knows how painful this is.

I will miss him so, so much.

[Waterbear]

It is so very painful and I have no advice except for thatyou can get through it and that time does make it easier. Remember the good times when you can. I am still really struggling with this myself. I lost something I never thought I would have but that I dreamt of for years.

Try to stay strong.

[ruh roh]

I know this grief. It happens when the termination is forced (not the client's choice, for whatever reason). There's a poster here who went through/is going through this with a therapist she was very close to. I'm sure she will respond.

I'm sorry you're hurting like this.

Ah, I had to say goodbye many, many years ago to my university therapist. He was amazing and I probably could have kept talking to him forever, but that just isn't a possibility with university services.

I remember I found the perfect card and I wrote him a brief letter thanking him for his support and help over the last few years. We had a nice last session -- very optimistic and positive -- and I went on my way. Honestly, it was not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Maybe it was because I was going directly into my first "real" job. I was busy with the moving, the new responsibilities, really adulting for the first time, etc., but I didn't really have enough time to dwell on missing him.

I didn't jump right into finding a new therapist just because I really was that busy, but down the road I did. And it was okay. I discovered there are other really good therapists out there.

That university therapist and I did maintain contact over the years. At first it was because he was also the director of career services and my career portfolio was housed in his department; I did some initial job changing so I had reason to contact his office. Later, I did contact him for help with finding a therapist in my area; he found some contacts for me as a place to start. Over the years, we just sort of kept in touch -- not AT ALL as therapist and client anymore -- more on a professional basis as we both work essentially in education and personally just keeping track of each other. We probably speak over the phone or email two or three times a year -- for over 30 years now -- but again, it is just kind of like keeping up with an old friend from way back when. I haven't physically seen him for ages but my own son is considering my old alma mater as a college choice and we'll being going for a college visit so I'm sure I'll look him up and meet him for a cup of coffee while we're there when the time comes.

[Prism Bunny]

I am so sorry for your loss. Even though people tend to forget that even losing someone like a therapist/psychologist can feel like as if someone had passed away. Your grief is real and should be handled with care. I hope you are able to move beyond this horrible point in your life, but no one should push or prod you to do so. So, please take it easy and allow your emotions to flow.

Many blessings to you.

[Polyphony]

Thank you all for your replies. I'm just worried that the grief is going to become much more intense and am dreading that last session. I don't know when it will be, as we haven't set the date yet, but I know it will be within a few more weeks.

What is it going to feel like to be triggered in the middle of the night and wake up knowing I can't actually go talk to him? I imagine the world will be a completely different place, much like it has been when I've lost friends and family members.

Lolagrace, I hope I might be able to stay in contact with him after termination. Even if it's not as therapist/client, he's a good human being and I think we would be friends if we had met in any other circumstances.

I don't know about starting therapy with someone new. I don't want someone new. I want him. We could have kept working together and I would have continued to grow and improve so much.

When I told him I didn't want to stop working together, he nodded thoughtfully and then said,

"Yes, but you've done so many things you don't want to do."

I CAN continue to heal and get better without him...I just really, really don't want to.

[Trippin2.0]

I don't want to do it without him either, but that's the only thing I'm certain of though.


Idk how termination feels to me, I can't access those emotions yet, I just know I don't want him to leave and hand me over to a new T, and I only have two more weeks to access these elusive emotions.


I don't want him leaving (he quit to go work at a new private hospital), because there's lots of unfinished business and our sessions are ending before the agreed upon time. But also because he's an awesome T and I've made excellent progress since working with him.


But on the other hand idk, it feels like I'm about to lose something big, but idk what that something even is, because I will still be going to therapy and my new T is awesome too (he facilitates our DBT group)...


Seems idk much of anything on this subject, I actually opened your thread to see if it would help me gain insight into my own experience since my emotions decided to shut down (not because T is ending, I have ALOT going on and the termination is probably the cherry on the cake) but instead I find myself just typing alot of "idk" in response to you.


Sorry about that.


I hope you start to feel better soon and that termination isn't as traumatizing as you anticipate..

[Coco3]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. About a year ago I finished therapy and it was really difficult for me to let go of my T. He was one of the most important people of my life and it hurt very much to say goodbye. We had a beautiful last session, very heartwarming and a comforting memory until this day.

The grieving was intense, it wasn't easy. I wish I could say otherwise. But I got through it and so can you. Be gentle, be nice to yourself. Cry as much as you want to but make sure to go out and have fun too. Find comfort in your gratefulness for what he has done for you. With time comes healing and strength. You can do this.

[Polyphony]

Thank you guys for your kindness.

So many things are changing in my life right now with the possibility of moving completely away from my support system and finding a job and terminating therapy. I wish it wasn't all happening at once--I think maybe that would make this transition less terrifying.

I guess I'm really about to find out just how much our work together has impacted my life. It's because I've worked with him that I can even access the feelings of grief that come with leaving. I'm simultaneously grateful for those feelings and wish I they were a little less intense.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

I am so very sorry you are going through this. Its ok to feel pain and to cry and grieve. All of your feelings are ok. I had to terminate with my T over a month ago because she quit her practice and found a new job. It has been very hard for me to say the least. The grief is intense. One of the most painful things I have ever been through and I still have rough days that feel like it was yesterday. The pain does get better over time. I don't know if it totally goes away (it might for you) but you learn to live with it. I had a very healthy ending and a great last session that was filled with love and care. One of the best sessions was the last one. I did dread it though and I was pretty emotional. I learned to express my anger in a healthy way to my T (I was very mad at her leaving). I wrote her a letter about how I felt about her and how I think therapy went. My suggestions to you is to write down what you want to say because you might be to emotional to remember it. Leave nothing left unsaid and talk to your T about your feelings. I know this pain and this grief as I am still dealing with it. My T and I stay in touch but its not the same. I can't talk about therapy things and the role is different. Our phone calls are just check ins so she can see how I am doing. It hurts to talk to her and know I don't have her support and I can't talk to her about everything anymore. Its better than nothing but its painful.

I am truly sorry you are facing this. A lot of people don't understand what its like to leave a therapist. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. If you want to vent or just want support you can PM me. I hope it gets better for you and you can heal from it.

[growlycat]

I am in the final stages of terminating with my cbt therapist and like your therapy it had been very positive. I wanted to e sure he felt valued and thanked most of all. I asked him if he would miss me and he named some of my traits he would miss. I wanted him to sum up what I should continue working on with someone else. We revisited accomplishments. Went over how termination and referrals would happen. I asked for a hug and got one

[Polyphony]

Originally Posted by growlycat

I am in the final stages of terminating with my cbt therapist and like your therapy it had been very positive. I wanted to e sure he felt valued and thanked most of all. I asked him if he would miss me and he named some of my traits he would miss. I wanted him to sum up what I should continue working on with someone else. We revisited accomplishments. Went over how termination and referrals would happen. I asked for a hug and got one

As hard as it sounds, Growlycat, that sounds like a very positive ending. Was it your last session or is this part of the work you guys are doing leading up to it?

I would love for my T to give me a hug at the end. But we've never talked about it. He usually shakes my hand and that's good. Sometimes it holds me over until the next session.

It's weird to think that soon that last handshake is going to have to hold me over until...well, for the rest of my life.

I know there are positive things about ending therapy, but I just don't feel them yet. I just feel sad.