[Petra5ed]

Has anyone else had a therapist they felt very close to that suddenly 180'd in how they treated you?

I used to be close with my therapist, but I've noticed him starting to be subtly mean. It's now to a point where he's actually yelled at me, is putting up all these road blocks to me even making appointments, but denies it. I couldn't explain it with examples and not write a novel, but I can definitely feel it. It is a 180 from liking me to not wanting me around at all. Anyone else ever deal with this?

I would not continue seeing a therapist that yelled at me.

[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

I would not continue seeing a therapist that yelled at me.

Yeah I'm finally done.

[BayBrony]

That's awful. It hasn't happened to me but I know it has to other people on here. If he is yelling at you I agree with stop dog. Time to leave.

[LonesomeTonight]

It could be that he realized he was getting close to you, maybe loosening his boundaries too much, then was like, "Uh-oh, better pull back," and tightened his boundaries, but went a bit too far in the tightening. I've had that happen on a smaller scale (no yelling--I couldn't deal with that!) with both my T and marriage counselor. I called my T on it a few months ago, and she actually admitted (which is surprising for her) that she was feeling too close and thought she may have been losing her objectivity and wasn't helping me as much. So she was trying to step back. I feel like she's pulled way back since then, which kinda sucks. MC essentially admitted it (that he'd offered me more than he should have and made a mistake in doing that) the one time a year ago when we had a rupture. But we've gotten closer again (with a few steps back and forward in between).

I assume you've tried talking to him about it? I know you're pretty attached to this T, but might want to consider someone else. Or at least taking a break and trying someone else for a bit.

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

Has anyone else had a therapist they felt very close to that suddenly 180'd in how they treated you?

I used to be close with my therapist, but I've noticed him starting to be subtly mean. It's now to a point where he's actually yelled at me, is putting up all these road blocks to me even making appointments, but denies it. I couldn't explain it with examples and not write a novel, but I can definitely feel it. It is a 180 from liking me to not wanting me around at all. Anyone else ever deal with this?

Is hard to answer really. I could say it's transference. It might be that his unskilled. Who knows unless they're in your therapy.
If I was shouted at I would walk out.
But I cam also say that I've had expenses of feeling T is sadistic ally punishing me. She wasn't.
Only you can sort out this.

[divine1966]

He is yelling?yeah that's more than I can handle. So sorry

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

It could be that he realized he was getting close to you, maybe loosening his boundaries too much, then was like, "Uh-oh, better pull back," and tightened his boundaries, but went a bit too far in the tightening. I've had that happen on a smaller scale (no yelling--I couldn't deal with that!) with both my T and marriage counselor. I called my T on it a few months ago, and she actually admitted (which is surprising for her) that she was feeling too close and thought she may have been losing her objectivity and wasn't helping me as much. So she was trying to step back. I feel like she's pulled way back since then, which kinda sucks. MC essentially admitted it (that he'd offered me more than he should have and made a mistake in doing that) the one time a year ago when we had a rupture. But we've gotten closer again (with a few steps back and forward in between).

I assume you've tried talking to him about it? I know you're pretty attached to this T, but might want to consider someone else. Or at least taking a break and trying someone else for a bit.

Yeah I tried talking about it. He says it's all me, I'm changing, I'm projecting this on him. When I say well what about x y and z all showing you changed, he gets defensive. He even agreed with me that he was mean, but didn't apologize or anything or see that maybe I'm right and he is taking out some anger on me.

I'd love to think he realized he was getting too close but I think he just wanted me less close because it's no longer working for him.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

Yeah I tried talking about it. He says it's all me, I'm changing, I'm projecting this on him. When I say well what about x y and z all showing you changed, he gets defensive. He even agreed with me that he was mean, but didn't apologize or anything or see that maybe I'm right and he is taking out some anger on me.

I'd love to think he realized he was getting too close but I think he just wanted me less close because it's no longer working for him.

Defensiveness isn't good...and to admit that he was mean and still not apologize? I'd try looking for someone else. Sorry.

Yeah, this guy sounds all over the place. I would make a pro and con list, to see what you are even gaining from him anymore. Nobody should be paying to have themselves treated like crap!

Yeah I tried talking about it. He says it's all me, I'm changing, I'm projecting this on him. When I say well what about x y and z all showing you changed, he gets defensive. He even agreed with me that he was mean, but didn't apologize or anything or see that maybe I'm right and he is taking out some anger on me.

Petra5ed,

I hope this doesn't feel like I am minimizing your experience, but I recently went through the same thing. It drove me to quitting, only to go back shortly thereafter. After I quit, things have been much better.

We discussed emotional deprivation and whether or not he was deliberately provoking my anger in order to 'work through it'. He said he wouldn't do that, but I did mention how this contradicts other things he's said.

Things have gotten much better ever since. In my case, it seems like what resolved the issue was him seeing his role in this rather than just saying it was all me. He gets defensive too, so it took a while.

Sorry things are so rough.

[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by seahorse

Petra5ed,

I hope this doesn't feel like I am minimizing your experience, but I recently went through the same thing. It drove me to quitting, only to go back shortly thereafter. After I quit, things have been much better.

We discussed emotional deprivation and whether or not he was deliberately provoking my anger in order to 'work through it'. He said he wouldn't do that, but I did mention how this contradicts other things he's said.

Things have gotten much better ever since. In my case, it seems like what resolved the issue was him seeing his role in this rather than just saying it was all me. He gets defensive too, so it took a while.

Sorry things are so rough.

Thanks, I'm actually ok, shockingly! Lol! Yes, mine has also said he would never deliberately provoke me, and then said things that were contradictory.

So what caused you to go back and for your therapist to see his role? I'm taking a break at least for a while I think. Right now I'm shocked my therapist could be so blind to himself.

What caused me to go back-it felt traumatic to leave. It doesn't matter than I initiated it-it still felt traumatic. I could not cope.

As to what made him see his role? I'm not 100% sure, but to frame it, this is my opinion: I think that the default position for Ts might be that it is you, that these are your patterns. They get in the habit of looking at your schemas, not at their own....in such a way, that sometimes they forget to stop and look at themselves and how they are contributing.

How it was resolved-I sent my T concrete definitions of emotional deprivation, which was my primary complaint. Next session, I explained to him that he is coming off like how it was described in the email. He defaulted to-well this is how you feel in x, y, z, relationships, you told me this, you told me that. I took each relationship one by one, and explained how, no, it is not true. I didn't feel deprived in this relationship, that one, how other people in those groups (coworkers for example) felt the same way. And we went through each example and confirmed that no, this is not how I always feel...

For those who are decent Ts, I think the blindness goes with constantly analyzing all day. I imagine it could get very taxing. trying to shift the focus on/off yourself throughout the appointment hour. For those who have no insight into themselves, that would be quite a different story.

I also think cramming in as many clients as a T can in one day contributes to this. The analytic hour, the first therapy, was purposely 45 minutes to give the T 15 minutes to reflect on the session. I don't know that many do that anymore.

Well, that's my assessment. I know there are quite a few Ts who post here; it would be helpful if they offered an opinion here, too.

this happe ed often with my first therapist. it was so confusing and hard on me.

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

It could be that he realized he was getting close to you, maybe loosening his boundaries too much, then was like, "Uh-oh, better pull back," and tightened his boundaries, but went a bit too far in the tightening. I've had that happen on a smaller scale (no yelling--I couldn't deal with that!) with both my T and marriage counselor. I called my T on it a few months ago, and she actually admitted (which is surprising for her) that she was feeling too close and thought she may have been losing her objectivity and wasn't helping me as much. So she was trying to step back. I feel like she's pulled way back since then, which kinda sucks.

This happened to me. Very similar but no good ending. He never yelled, but he became very stern and then therapy disintegrated within weeks. In my therapy, it became a counter transference issue of my T. T struggled with it and he wasn't equipped to deal with it, I guess. I was oblivious but knew there was a problem toward the end. Unfortunately, we had a rupture and I couldn't trust him again so I discontinued after a few sessions. This was after he discontinued our therapy and asked me back. He'd really helped me so I went back, but it wasn't the same for me.

It was complicated but the 180 behavior post of yours immediately caught my eye. I felt like I was in trouble or did something bad but had no idea why. He was a Marine so I hypothesized that maybe that had something to do with him becoming militant. It's lol now but it was terrible during that time. Thinking of you. xo

[ScarletPimpernel]

My ex-T did a 180 on me. I can't really pinpoint when it began. Instead of her blaming me, I blamed myself. I kept thinking it was all in my head, I'm being sensitive, etc. Turns out it wasn't all in my head, but it was too late by the time I figured it out. She was gone.

[Bipolar Warrior]

Originally Posted by seahorse

I think that the default position for Ts might be that it is you, that these are your patterns. They get in the habit of looking at your schemas, not at their own....in such a way, that sometimes they forget to stop and look at themselves and how they are contributing.

I think this is true for a lot of therapists, which is why I feel very grateful to have found the two I have. I have never had any ruptures, or even any issues, with my private therapist, but I know that she owns everything that happens between us. It's just that we don't have a particularly emotional relationship.

I have had several breakdowns and misunderstandings with my university therapist, but even when I have felt that it was entirely my fault she has insisted that she was at least 50 percent responsible for it because she is one half of the relationship. And she also doesn't like to use the words "fault" or "blame". She is very self-aware and has always admitted to her own transference if that has played a part in whatever was going on at the time. She is one of the most amazing people I have ever met.

[feralkittymom]

I'm sorry you're experiencing this. Yelling: almost everything I've read lists this as a red flag indicating a counter transference, burn out, or personal stress and recommends supervision. But, of course, in most cases supervision can't be mandated (in US) unless it's part of a ruling from a standards board. The defensiveness is a double bad sign because it indicates he wouldn't be open to any sort of mediation. So you don't have a lot of choices. Maybe, if you can, look around for another therapist. and if you really want to go back because you feel you could still make progress--not because you feel an attachment--then use the other therapist for consultation for awhile to protect yourself.