[Myrto]

Today was my last session with my therapist before summer break. I won't be seeing her for 7 weeks. At the end of the session, I asked : "Do you think about me when you're on holidays?". She answered: "It can happen". I said: "I think about you all the time". I wish she had said "I think about you a lot" or "I often think about you". But no. She wanted to be honest, so "it can happen". How stupid of me to invest so much time and energy in something that isn't real. I feel crushed. Honestly she could have lied. That was our last session before the break and now the sentence "it can happen" will be all I think about. Thoughts and comments appreciated. Thanks in advance.

[Luce]

"It can happen" ??? What the hey??

That is the lamest response ever. I would be highly annoyed too. To me it sounds like such an idiotic response (like, who would ever say that in response to that question?).

I hope she is reflecting on that comment and mentally kicking herself for being such a complete and utter dufus.

I would be crushed too. I am sorry your T break began on that awful note.
Look after yourself, okay?

I agree, her reply was lame! If you think about it, she didn't answer your question. She said it could happen - that's common sense. But she didn't tell you if she actually did or not. Ugh

That would have left my head spinning. Was that some type of therapeutic reply? Although it seems she was evasive so how could that help you?

I had a good therapist but there was something he did that bothered me. Sometimes I would ask him a question and he simply wouldn't respond at all. Just looked at me in silence.

Why don't they just answer us or say they don't want to answer?

Hugs to you. Xo

[LesFleursDuMal]

Actually, I wouldn't be so harsh on her, I think her answer is a very honest one. It makes sense that therapists don't think about us as much as we think about them. I don't see why she should have lied. It would have been worse to make you believe things that are not true. It's not like she said "No, I never ever think about you".

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Originally Posted by LesFleursDuMal

Actually, I wouldn't be so harsh on her, I think her answer is a very honest one. It makes sense that therapists don't think about us as much as we think about them. I don't see why she should have lied. It would have been worse to make you believe things that are not true. It's not like she said "No, I never ever think about you".

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You make a good point. We can't always get what we want.

It is a special relationship, though...therapeutic bond, etc. Or is it just business for Ts?

[itjustis]

Originally Posted by Myrto

Today was my last session with my therapist before summer break. I won't be seeing her for 7 weeks. At the end of the session, I asked : "Do you think about me when you're on holidays?". She answered: "It can happen". I said: "I think about you all the time". I wish she had said "I think about you a lot" or "I often think about you". But no. She wanted to be honest, so "it can happen". How stupid of me to invest so much time and energy in something that isn't real. I feel crushed. Honestly she could have lied. That was our last session before the break and now the sentence "it can happen" will be all I think about. Thoughts and comments appreciated. Thanks in advance.

I know how you feel about summer break. I'm going through it too. *hugs*

At my last session I said to T "I'm going to miss you" and she replied "I'll miss you too."

She wouldn't lie to make me feel better, at least I keep telling myself that.

The response from your T seems pretty lame. I'm sorry she said it that way.

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You know, that's similar to what I wrote about yesterday. I told T her reasonable response felt lacking. T said, she's conscious that if she says more, I might take that as to intrusive.
Looking at it from that angle, I understand better. I've now let her know, that is not intrusive. T wasnt about to infringe my boundaries. She was respecting my space. Until this conversation, I saw things in a one-way street type of thing. But T takes my boundaries into consideration.
Maybe you corks have a conversation asking this topic too.

[Rive.]

Being in business or providing any type of professional service doesn’t preclude caring. Please, let’s not generalise. Caring is part of human nature and is not something one pays for. At least your T was honest (and reassuring, no?): you do pop up in her mind from time to time.

Clients only have one T but Ts see many clients. It is not reasonable to expect them to invest a lot emotionally into their many, many clients. They’d get burnt out and wouldn’t be a good T anyway.

Also let’s be frank, there tends to be more of an emotional investment on clients’ part. Actually, that may not even be true but Ts (the good ones) know how to manage any caring/feelings they have for clients. Some prefer to err on the safe side and who can blame them.

Seems like an honest response. We have to remember we are one of many clients that a therapist works with. On vacation, probably various clients go through their minds at various times, but I highly doubt they spend a great deal of time contemplating any of them. They ARE on vacation after all. I don't spend a great deal of time contemplating my coworkers or my students either, but yes, some of them my cross my mind as something reminds me of them, etc., but it is brief and my focus is on my vacation, my family, my travels, etc. That's pretty normal and absolutely NO reflection on anything except that I'm on my personal vacation time.

I can tell you a story about "it can happen" though. My therapist came home from a couple of week fishing/camping trip. We were back in session talking about who knows what. At one point, he said "I was thinking about this very thing the other day while I was fly fishing on the river and I had this insight about what you are going through . . . " So yes, "it can happen." It wasn't deliberate or planned on his part; I just happened to float through his head at that moment and he actually had almost forgotten about it until I said something in session that refreshed that memory for him.

Let's not forget... many therapists are in therapy themselves.

If they are anything like us, they are probably missing their own therapists during break.

They also see us for an entire hour a week (some of us more). That's a lot of time on a weekly basis to be focusing on anybody, and it's certainly enough time to keep a connection and be held in someone's heart, no matter if they think about us outside of that hour or not. Way, way more than enough time.

I interpret "it can happen" a little differently. To me those particular words "it can happen" is almost like saying it has happened in the past, and is also an invitation for it to happen in the future. Maybe I'm just weird, though.

[WrkNPrgress]

I have these moments where I wish My T was thinking of me as much as I do of them. I try to learn something from it. What's that need really about? Why would it make a difference to me that someone is "thinking" of me? The truth is that someone thinking of me doesn't actually do anything.

It seems for me the issue really is about validation. Feeling like my thoughts of her are somehow reciprocated makes me feel like I'm not crazy for thinking of he so much and I'm somehow more Real and Seen. But it all boils down to a need to be seen and connected with.

But wishing someone was thinking of us doesn't really do that. It's the experience that matters. Time spent is real. So .. how can I get this need met without relying on someone I can only see once a week for an hour. Call a friend. Do something for myself that tells me I'm worthy and valid. Get out of my head and into my own real life somehow.

[AncientMelody]

Originally Posted by WrkNPrgress

I have these moments where I wish My T was thinking of me as much as I do of them. I try to learn something from it. What's that need really about? Why would it make a difference to me that someone is "thinking" of me? The truth is that someone thinking of me doesn't actually do anything.

It seems for me the issue really is about validation. Feeling like my thoughts of her are somehow reciprocated makes me feel like I'm not crazy for thinking of he so much and I'm somehow more Real and Seen. But it all boils down to a need to be seen and connected with.

But wishing someone was thinking of us doesn't really do that. It's the experience that matters. Time spent is real. So .. how can I get this need met without relying on someone I can only see once a week for an hour. Call a friend. Do something for myself that tells me I'm worthy and valid. Get out of my head and into my own real life somehow.

Spot on!

Originally Posted by AncientMelody

Spot on!

I agree!

I think it's also helpful to think about what YOU get from thinking about your therapist all the time, and whether or not you'd want them thinking about you for those same reasons.

Personally, I wouldn't want my therapist getting lots of comfort constantly thinking about me. Too much pressure and expectation for me to be a certain way. Though I do hope my therapist thinks fondly of me and values our sessions together.

[AncientMelody]

Originally Posted by FallingFreely

I agree!

I think it's also helpful to think about what YOU get from thinking about your therapist all the time, and whether or not you'd want them thinking about you for those same reasons.

Personally, I wouldn't want my therapist getting lots of comfort constantly thinking about me. Too much pressure and expectation for me to be a certain way. Though I do hope my therapist thinks fondly of me and values our sessions together.

A little off-topic but in terms of validation and looking in towards yourself, this reminds me. I used to put my doctors on a pedestal. My family practitioner, the doctor who trained me, my psychiatrist to a smaller degree (meant the therapy was working!)

I looked at it this way: Did I appreciate traits in them that were similar to me or dissimilar? If dissimilar were they better or just different from me? I realized instead of just sitting feeling inferior to them, I could either 1) Adopt some of the traits that I admired or recognize them in myself. If neither of those fit, I looked at traits I DID have that they did not as a medical practitioner. That we all had something different to contribute.

Last year at the session just after my birthday, t said "I wanted to text you on your birthday, but I didn't because it wouldn't be professional." I found that I didn't really care that she hadn't, it was just as good hearing that she had thought about me on my birthday. Of course, my birthday's a holiday here (july 4) so it's an easy one to remember lol. She remembered this year too - the other day when I was there she said "You have a birthday before we see each other again, happy birthday!"

It's cool that she thought about me for something like that between sessions last year, but i wouldn't want her thinking about me anywhere near as much as I used to think about her between sessions. I used to be downright obsessed (ugh when I think about it now).

I think if you ask those kinds of questions, you can set yourself up for feeling rejected. I'd feel badly too, but I've never asked my therapist that question and never thought too.

Asking that question probably 'put her on the spot'.

I should probably add: i've learned to lower my expectations to avoid disappointment. But that has caused me problems too.

[UglyDucky]

I'm sorry you didn't get the response you were hoping for. However, I agree w/others who think honesty is best. You stated... "How stupid of me to invest so much time and energy in something that isn't real." The relationship I have w/my T is very much real - real feelings, real thoughts, real interaction. Perhaps you're viewing therapy or your relationship w/your T as something that will occur outside of therapy...in the "real" world? That, most likely, will not happen. But your relationship w/your T in therapy should be very real. Therapy is hard, often baring our souls (and feelings) to someone who can't possibly reciprocate. It makes us vulnerable and open to being hurt. How you think, feel, react, etc. w/your T tells your T what your relationships are like w/friends and family, which should help her help you.

I hope the coming seven weeks go quickly for you. And I hope I've not offended you - I just happen to believe in being realistic about the therapy process. Ts should be supportive and empathetic, but they aren't there to feed a client's delusion that there's a relationship going on that can't possibly happen. Because your T didn't reply as you'd hoped doesn't mean that your feelings for her are less real - or not worth your time and energy.

[Myrto]

Originally Posted by Luce

"It can happen" ??? What the hey??

That is the lamest response ever. I would be highly annoyed too. To me it sounds like such an idiotic response (like, who would ever say that in response to that question?).

I hope she is reflecting on that comment and mentally kicking herself for being such a complete and utter dufus.

I would be crushed too. I am sorry your T break began on that awful note.
Look after yourself, okay?

Yeah her response was ****. But I should have known she'd give a non-answer. Thanks.

Originally Posted by rainyday107

I agree, her reply was lame! If you think about it, she didn't answer your question. She said it could happen - that's common sense. But she didn't tell you if she actually did or not. Ugh

That would have left my head spinning. Was that some type of therapeutic reply? Although it seems she was evasive so how could that help you?

I had a good therapist but there was something he did that bothered me. Sometimes I would ask him a question and he simply wouldn't respond at all. Just looked at me in silence.

Why don't they just answer us or say they don't want to answer?

Hugs to you. Xo

Of course it was evasive, that's basically her motto. Honestly I just don't care anymore. Thanks.

Originally Posted by LesFleursDuMal

Actually, I wouldn't be so harsh on her, I think her answer is a very honest one. It makes sense that therapists don't think about us as much as we think about them. I don't see why she should have lied. It would have been worse to make you believe things that are not true. It's not like she said "No, I never ever think about you".

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She actually said: "of course you are less present in my life than I am in yours". Pretty honest. I'm stupid to hope for something more than mild interest.

Originally Posted by itjustis

I know how you feel about summer break. I'm going through it too. *hugs*

At my last session I said to T "I'm going to miss you" and she replied "I'll miss you too."

She wouldn't lie to make me feel better, at least I keep telling myself that.

The response from your T seems pretty lame. I'm sorry she said it that way.

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Well my T would NEVER say that she misses me. I'm sure she doesn't. She thought being honest was better than to be reassuring. Thanks.

[Bipolar Warrior]

This therapist seems to make you very angry and upset, and by the sounds of it continues to cause you a lot of emotional pain. I understand that you are attached to her, anyway, but is it therapeutic for you?

I remember you saying something about how people in your country aren't particularly affectionate in general, but I'm sure you could find someone who is, particularly in the field of therapy. There are probably warm, caring and affectionate people who have chosen to go into this profession, no matter what country you're in. People like that are everywhere.

I live in Britain, and as you know a lot of Brits will tell you that people in this country are very reserved, but that's not really true. My university assigned me to a therapist who is the complete opposite of that. She is the most loving and emotionally available person I have ever met. She believes in taking risks by doing things that maybe aren't entirely "professional". She says that she sometimes gets herself into "trouble" in supervision, but it doesn't stop her from doing what she feels is going to help someone. And she is right, because since when has "playing it safe" really made a difference?

I love her. And I am sure that there are similar people out there, even where you live. I think it would be worth it for you to start searching for someone like that.

Originally Posted by Myrto

Today was my last session with my therapist before summer break. I won't be seeing her for 7 weeks. At the end of the session, I asked : "Do you think about me when you're on holidays?". She answered: "It can happen". I said: "I think about you all the time". I wish she had said "I think about you a lot" or "I often think about you". But no. She wanted to be honest, so "it can happen". How stupid of me to invest so much time and energy in something that isn't real. I feel crushed. Honestly she could have lied. That was our last session before the break and now the sentence "it can happen" will be all I think about. Thoughts and comments appreciated. Thanks in advance.

the bolded part. I read something in a blog one time that I remember because it helps me along those lines when I start thinking that the relationship with t isn't "real" (I rather offended my t earlier in the year by insinuating that it's fake, oops), it talks about the therapeutic relationship as a unique, deeply genuine relationship - but one that exists within the strictly prescribed boundaries of the appointment time/t's office (or something like that). I've forgotten the blogger's name.