Something happened on Thursday night which got me all %#@&#! up. I'd rather not go into it, but let's just say it was about fifty percent my own fault, impulsivity, and inability to fully control myself.

Since then, I went off of my meds. All at once.

Because of my spending over the last couple of months I ended up with an overdrawn bank account yesterday.

The disconnect that I've been experiencing is too much to bear. It hurts way too much. My thoughts have been overwhelmed with suicidal ideation. I put six Klonopin in my mouth, but then spit them out. It was a control thing.

When I'm at my internship working with the patients, I'm fine. Otherwise, not. School ended for the semester. So when I'm home, I lay in bed. I've been too depressed to even type on PC.

I saw T yesterday.

I told him all about the ideation. About the Klonopin. About these uncontrollable thoughts of crashing my car into a guardrail or something.

He said, "If you did that, what would happen to us, here?"

I talked about my disconnection. How when I experience the most severe disconnect and emptiness, I immediately think about just wanting to die. How extreme.

He said, "What would happen to my connection to you, if you did that?"

He was trying to get me to see that he reciprocates the connection. But I couldn't see it anymore, I was in such a bad state of disengagement. I told him, "You don't have a connection to me. I leave you no room for that."

And all of a sudden, something came over me. Terrible images of suicide... I had my eyes closed, I began to describe all the images... When I opened my eyes, nothing seemed real. I couldn't feel my body, the room seemed fake, he seemed fake. It felt like that part of a panic attack when there is a complete loss of a sense of reality. Complete depersonalization. I was so terrifed. But there were no other panic attack symptoms. Just nothing real. Nothing to hold on to.

Told him I wanted to jump out of my skin. Tear myself apart. Some type of release. Just to feel real again.

He said to me, "Where am I right now?" I told him, "You are so far away."

He asked me to tell him one small thing that I could forgive myself for. I told him I wished I could forgive myself for not putting away the laundry. That I was just too sad to get out of bed to do it. How my husband gets mad, he doesn't understand that sometimes I just can't. Then I began to cry.

He told me to look right at him. To look at his eyes. That he was real, and to just continue to focus right on him.

He stayed with me like that, in the here and now until I came back.

I see him again on Friday.

(((( pink ))))

I'm so glad you're here. You've been missed.

I'm sorry you're feeling depressed and so glad that you spit out the Klonopin.

That's great how T was there for you, holding you in the here and now.

(((( pink ))))

ECHOES

[sunrise]

Pink, I'm so sorry you are feeling so unstable and depressed right now. Keep fighting, girl.

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When I'm at my internship working with the patients, I'm fine.

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Why is that? Does their need for you help you pull yourself together? Is there something you can identify from that experience that you can transfer to the other part of your life and maybe it will help you hold it together then too?

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He stayed with me like that, in the here and now until I came back.

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I am so glad he was there for you to anchor onto. I am so glad you came back.

[MsLittleSister]

Sounds like a very hard session. I hope you can still feel your connection that your Tt tried so hard to reestablish. It will get you through the harder moments.

Have you started taking your meds again? I hope you are keeping yourself healthy and safe. What would you say to one of your clients if they just dumped their meds? This worries me.

It sounds like you and your T have a strong relationship. I'm glad you were able to talk about the suicidal thoughts. I'm amazed at how many people don't admit to these feelings and just expect their T to "guess" what is happening inside their head.

Please take care of yourself.

Pink, has this come about because of recent posts re your relationship with your T?

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mouse_ said:
Pink, has this come about because of recent posts re your relationship with your T?

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More details please?

Sorry, I meant your posts re your relationship with your T recieved quite some negative feed back last week or the week before, and thought maybe you were effected by it?

sorry it was not a judgement, just an honest enquiry as you seem to be quiter since.

[Gracey]

Pink ~ I'm sorry you're struggling so hard right now. I don't have a whole lot of words of wisdome, but I experienced something similar a while back. When it got down to brass tacks, what it was really about was my terrible fear that he'd find out what a horrible person I really was (lack of housework when depressed, bad mom when depressed, etc) and LEAVE ME. Even though he constantly reassured me he wouldn't, I had to figure it out on my own. I call it my "self sabotage program."

Holding you in good thoughts today my love.

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mouse_ said:
Sorry, I meant your posts re your relationship with your T recieved quite some negative feed back last week or the week before, and thought maybe you were effected by it?

sorry it was not a judgement, just an honest enquiry as you seem to be quiter since.

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Oh no, I didn't think it was a judgement. Just wasn't sure what you meant. No, I've just been quiet all around because of being sad. Just haven't felt like doing much of anything, including posting.

[sidony]

Hey Pinksoil,

I've missed you. I'm so sorry that everything's so hard for you right now. I'm so glad you have a T who helps you. I'm glad you were able to show him emotion and tell him about your thoughts. Please don't harm yourself. This forum is sorely lacking without your presence! You're such an interesting insightful fascinating person. Please take care of yourself. Take your meds, stop beating yourself up, start connecting with all of us again!

I am thinking about you. Please take care.

Sidony

Hey thanks. I contracted with t that I wouldn't do anything crazy and that I would be back on friday. Today has been a horror so far... So much depression and ideation. I'm actually about to take a standardized test for my doctoral school application and I think I'm in the worst test-taking shape possible right now. I know I will see t tomorrow but right now I don't see how I'm gonna get thru the rest of today and tomorrow and especially work. This is so, so hard. If only I didn't let my stupid id take over as I always do...

[MissCharlotte]

((((Pinksoil))))

I am so sorry you are suffering right now--being held by your T is such a good thing though. I hope you two can work through this together, I think you will be able to because you are so smart and he sounds so caring.

Hang on to your professional life, if you can. You have so much to offer.

Take gentle care, and know that warm and healing thoughts are coming your way.

[jacq10]

((((((((((((Pinksoil)))))))))))
My heart hurts hearing about how much pain you are going through right now. It must be so scary for you. Try and focus on what IS real though. Your family. Your job. I can tell that you are a very intelligent person, and very good at what you do. Hang in there, you will get through this
Sending gentle vibes your way
Jacq

[lauren_helene]

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pinksoil said:
Since then, I went off of my meds. All at once.

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That must have been hard for you to do. I am sorry that you are suffering and are in pain.

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pinksoil said:
My thoughts have been overwhelmed with suicidal ideation. I put six Klonopin in my mouth, but then spit them out. It was a control thing.

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Pink, I'm so glad that you spit them out. See, you're a fighter.

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pinksoil said:
I saw T yesterday. He said, "If you did that, what would happen to us, here?"

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Great response to you from T!

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pinksoil said:
He said, "What would happen to my connection to you, if you did that?"

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This one makes me want to cry because it is so heartfelt and genuine from him.

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pinksoil said:
And all of a sudden, something came over me. Terrible images of suicide... I had my eyes closed, I began to describe all the images... When I opened my eyes, nothing seemed real. I couldn't feel my body, the room seemed fake, he seemed fake. It felt like that part of a panic attack when there is a complete loss of a sense of reality. Complete depersonalization.

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I am so sorry Pink. I hate that you are going through this pain.

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pinksoil said:
He said to me, "Where am I right now?" I told him, "You are so far away."

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I understand this feeling you had towards your T. I kind of felt like that this week after my session. That he is so far away...

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pinksoil said:
He asked me to tell him one small thing that I could forgive myself for. I told him I wished I could forgive myself for not putting away the laundry. That I was just too sad to get out of bed to do it. How my husband gets mad, he doesn't understand that sometimes I just can't. Then I began to cry.

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Pink, as painful as this all is, you just had a significant moment and turning point in your therapy. Crying is real and it is our bodies way of releasing pain. I know how hard that is for you as I struggle with the same.

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pinksoil said:
He told me to look right at him. To look at his eyes. That he was real, and to just continue to focus right on him. He stayed with me like that, in the here and now until I came back.

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He was holding you and I'm glad he brought you back. Please try not to be hard on yourself. I'm glad you posted...

[Perna]

Pinksoil, did you get your meds straighted out? I can't imagine the abrupt stop helped. I've been on narcotic pain meds and other strong NSAIDS for arthritis (and I don't have arthritis) and Prednisone and am just getting off all those and not having a good time of it.

I hope you feel better soon and don't have to struggle with more than is in front of you. Hope your T appointment helps today too.

Thinking of you today and hope you're feeling better.

ECHOES