[lauren_helene]

I'm not happy today. I hope I do not trigger anyone so please ignore this if you are already having a bad day.

I am beyond angry at my husband who just returned from a trip and was gone for a week with our son. I should be happy he's home but I'm not.

It took us 5 minutes to argue about money and his truck. It's a long story but his lack of planning becomes my emergency and I'm not bailing him out anymore. He told me this morning, I may have to miss my session tonight if his truck conks out on him.

He has had many opportunities to take care of this and still has that option today in fact. He just assumes I'm his back up because he doesn't want to ask someone at work to help him drop his truck off once he gets to work. So I told him on his voice mail that he needs to work this out and not make his problem my problem.

We differ over the temperature in our house. I like the air at 76, he wants it at 78 because well, he's a miser about money. So, we are back to playing our game of I put the temp down two degrees and he puts it up...this is Texas and I am hot. I'm not sure where the misunderstanding here is.

Last session, I was hyper and well happy but I remember T saying to me that he thinks I would be angry no matter who I am with. I'm guessing because of my issues with my dad and men in general.

I'm recalling that comment and am needing more clarification from him on this. When is it okay for me to be angry? Does any of the above make it okay?

T and I also talked about whether or not I want to be married. He always asks the thought provoking question of the day. He is justified in asking this question and it is mine to answer.

I guess I've convinced myself that I can't leave this marriage because of our son. So then I need to learn to deal with these annoyances. My husband isn't a bad guy at all, it just seems anymore that he and I are not right together.

We shouldn't be fighting over what I've posted here. The problem is he's quiet, shy and passive. I'm not any of those. I love being around people, friends etc. he doesn't. He acts as if we are poor and every cent must be tracked and analyzed. This is not true of our circumstances and this is driving me insane. He even repeatedly called my T's office manager one time to discuss the charges and at one point, the office manager was like 'stop calling'...jokingly of course but I get this from my husband all the time.

My husband then left me a note in my checkbook that fell out when I was giving the office mgr my check. It said 'pay this amount'...WTH? I am not a child and that was embarrassing. The interesting thing here is my husband stopped couples counseling with me and my T and refuses to go with me anywhere because he doesn't think we have any problems.

So now that the insurance is under him, he has no problem calling T's office repeatedly and embarrassing me.

Also, he is not a physical person if you get my point and I am. The list goes on. The interesting thing is he wasn't this way during our dating years. I mean his personality was but he always gave me what I needed and he was fun to be around.

Now, not so much...I'm trying to calm down before my session tonight but I'm escalating...

[tranquility]

Meditation is good - take those deep breaths

There obviously is some disconnects between you and your husband but it doesn't sound hopeless - if he agrees to go back into counseling with you. Most times when their is a big issue, all the little issues seem to take a life of their own and drive you crazy.

From what you write, it looks like your "big" issue is that you are uncomfortable with his control issues. Sounds like you don't have much of a say in decision making. He probably has insecurities of his own that he has to act this way.

If he doesn't agree to more counseling you have a couple of choices. You can change your reaction to his actions. So if he turns the air down, just go turn it back up but don't let it heat you up (no pun intended!). It's tough with the insurance thing - you can talk to him and tell him that this is your doctor and you will handle any billing descrepanices with the office and see if that works. Your other option is to divorce - it will depend on how much all of this is effecting your mental stability and life.

be well (and keep breathing)

Tranquility

[pachyderm]

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almeda24fan said:
The interesting thing here is my husband stopped couples counseling with me and my T and refuses to go with me anywhere because he doesn't think we have any problems.

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He doesn't want to think you have any problems. It's scary. Maybe you can let him know that's OK (if it is).

[lauren_helene]

Yes, I agree he doesn't want to face our issues. I sent him a long email and laid it on the line so we'll see where that leads.

He did take care of his truck though! It is being worked on as we speak so at least I got that message through earlier today.

He called and did the whole 'are you mad at me' routine...he does that when he knows he is wrong.

Anyway, I can just feel myself sinking deeper into depression as I sit here. I left a message for a new p-doc yesterday, one that my T mentioned awhile back who is now in my insurance plan.

I feel so sad right now

[Gracey]

We once had the same problem with the AC issue. I got a guy from the local heating and air company to come out and give me an estimate for putting a lock box over the thermostat. :::: Told hubby, "look, if you REFUSE to give me to GD degrees, I'm going to have a box put on it. Then, you can pay for the box AND the two degrees." He gave up the two degrees.

The only thing I can really say about marriage is that you don't separate b/c of annoyances. Abuse, yes. Irritations, no. And that sounds largely like what is happening. Let me ask you something. . .why let his childish behavior crank you up? I know it drives you crazy. . .but, find a way to play this ridiculous game at his level. He leaves you a note inyour checkbook. . .use lipstick and leave him one on his windshield. Like, "Don't forget to wipe your hiney after you poo poo." He wants stupidity. . .give him stupidity.

I'd also let my T's office know that you are uncomfortable with the situation with him calling them constantly, and let them know you'd prefer they NOT discuss anything with him. If there's an insurance issue, you're perfectly comfortable with them dealing with the insurance company. Just b/c he is the policy holder DOES NOT mean he has the RIGHT to contact your provider. Deal with the Insurance company or ask them to appoint someone to act as a go b/t with him and the t's office.

keep your chin up. . .

[sunrise]

almedafan, not that I am one to offer advice, what with my failed marriage and all, but I do know that communication can be a big problem between spouses and lead to big problems over seemingly trivial issues. When my husband and I went to couples counseling, a focus was on improving communication. This would have helped us a decade ago (possibly when the marriage could have been saved), but certainly helps us now too, as we move through divorce. Could you go to counseling with your husband if it wasn't called "counseling"? Could you go to "problem-solving" or "communication improvement" instruction with your husband? Maybe it the "counseling" is framed like that, it won't seem so intimidating to your husband. Most people would like to be better communicators, especially with their spouse.

My T says once the communication problems are solved, then you can see if you still want to be married or not. If you do choose divorce, at least you are choosing it for a legitimate reason rather than just a problem with how to talk to each other that is fixable with some professional help.

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Last session, I was hyper and well happy but I remember T saying to me that he thinks I would be angry no matter who I am with. I'm guessing because of my issues with my dad and men in general.

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I think that's interesting. Does your T propose a solution? Like doing deep work in therapy to resolve your issues with your father? It can be very empowering to have a direction to take in therapy that may resolve problems.

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When is it okay for me to be angry? Does any of the above make it okay?

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I think that is a fantastic question.

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I guess I've convinced myself that I can't leave this marriage because of our son.

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I guess you have to weigh the pros and the cons. I probably should have gotten divorced a decade ago, if I was only concerned with my personal happiness. However, it has been good for my kids, in some ways, to be part of a two parent family and have their dad around. It's not an easy decision, that's for sure. Could you and your therapist work on this question in therapy? It is a tough problem to sort through and a professional can really help.

I agree with what others have written, that your husband should not be contacting your T or pdoc's office about your treatment or bill. That is for you to do. Instruct office staff to talk only with you, not family members.

The note in your wallet? Pffftt. Just tell husband you're not a child and not stupid and you don't appreciate being treated like that.

almedafan, I hope you can work on the marriage issues in therapy (either by yourself or with your partner). These are not easy things to sort through. I am glad you have a family therapist for help.

(((Hugs)))

[lauren_helene]

Gracey, I'm rolling over here laughing at some of your great suggestions!

Sunny, I always value your feedback and especially in the area of marriage/communication. I know that you are doing extensive work in that area currently.

I need to run to my session so I'll post back tonight...thanks everyone once again, I feel better because of YOU

[Lemon]

almeda, other people have given you great advice so I won't repeat, but if you're interested in doing some reading on improving marriage & communicaiton the best book I ever read on this topic is John Gottman's book Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

I would also suggest trying to avoid 'playing games' with your husband. Try to discuss things as calmly as possible. Tell him how you feel when he doesn't take care of his truck and try to get him to repeat back to you what he thinks you're feeling. That's the only way to know if he is really understanding your frustration. Of course, you have to give him the opportunity to express his feelings as well. Just don't tackle to much in one conversation. One thing I learned from that book is to try to avoid stacking issues, because then you'll never get any of them resolved.

Good luck, I hope he agrees to some couples work.

Hey Almeda... thinking of you... hoping your session went well.

[Gracey]

Hey Almeda. . .

The whole point of my suggestion for the game playing is that men are not only visual creatures they are also very much "experience" creatures. You can tell them, ask them, plead with them, beg them, sing to them, write them letters, use any form of communication. . .and nine out of ten men are going to say, "What did you say again?" It's not b/c they're thick, stupid, or anything like that (though we all WONDER at times) but b/c men simply learn by doing, touching, experiencing. My whole point about the lipstick on the windshield is that, if you ever do that, he's NEVER ever forget it. But, he probably will (and has) forget that you asked him to desist calling the office. . .esepcially after the next time he sees the insurance bill.

Marriage is about give and take. I know there are people out there who will tell you it's a 50/50 thing, but I'm here to tell you it RARELY works that way. Lots of times its70/30. . .sometimes its 90/10. Most of the time it feels like we're the ones doing all the giving. Every now and then you hit that magic mark of 50/50, but it isn't a common thing hon.

Just like we talk about our T's reaching us where we are, you need to find a way to reach your husband "where he is." IF it's in a juvenile state, then go for it. Use humor, have fun with it, and at the end, say, "NOW, isn't this COMPLETELY ridiculous?" If you love him (and by love I mean more than just a feeling) then it's well worth the investment of working it out. If you don't. . .well, I think you do. If you didn't love him, you wouldn't care. And you do care. . .

So. . .that's my two cents worth. You've gotten some good advice here love. . .take the wisdom and use it and laugh at the funny stuff.

[lauren_helene]

I loved your ideas Gracey...

Lemon I made note of the book thanks!

Sunny: I did ask T about when is it okay to be angry. He said that anytime it is okay but when dealing with my husband and trying to communicate, it is more effective to do so from a vulnerable state rather than my often angry and defensive state.

We kind of laughed because my personality is such that I am not vulnerable with anyone...I am with my T though. It has taken me so long to do that with him.

I do not trust easy at all.