Worst session ever.

I'm posting the trigger icon thingy because there will probably be some talk about suicidal ideation and/or self-harm in this post.

I hated my session yesterday. I was a brick wall. I went in wanting that connection so badly. And I couldn't get there. It's almost too exhausting to write about. I told him how even though he has told me twice that there is a reciprocal connection, I still have a hard time believing that. I told him that I felt so far away from him right then, and how the last four sessions I had felt so connected.

Lately, I am a mess. The depression is immobilizing at times. I don't feel connected to anyone or anything. Empty. Nothing to hold onto. T asked if I felt dead. I do feel dead in a way, except dead would also imply the absense of terrible feelings. I feel dead in the way that I have lost the ability to connect emotionally with anything.

T said he got the sense that part of the reason that I was feeling so disconnected from him is because he possibly wasn't up to the point yet in which he was understanding the depth of what I am trying to convey to him. This is, of course, largely due to my resistance. T said I was dancing around the stuff yesterday-- he was exactly right. I was going in surface circles around everything, unable to reach that point where ultimately, I want to go.

Things at home suck. I had a bad fight with my husband yesterday. We have only been married for less than 2 years and lately, we just seem at completely different places.

I have been overwhelmingly preoccupied with suicidal ideation. No plan or anything like that. But my thoughts are consumed with the ideation, images, and urges of suicide. I have shared this with T.

I left the session so lost yesterday. I wanted, so badly, to hold on to him. But there was so much space. I waited for the bus. I kept stepping out onto the street to check if I could see the bus coming and I would becomed consumed with urges and images of just stepping out in front of the traffic and not moving.

I am starting to cry a bit as I write this because for some reason, there is just the biggest hole inside me right now and it's unbearable.

I told him it was the worst session ever. That I wanted to feel connected and safe. I told him that I felt like I had flatlined. Like I walked into the session as a flatline, continued to be that way throughout the session, and left the same way. Like I had expected the line to be touched during the session-- expected something to be stirred up. But everything went untouched except for the fact that I left feeling worse than I had beforehand.

I go back on Friday. I walked out of that session feeling like I had lost the connection forever.

Making a connection with T is scary, especially if you have never allowed anyone through that barrier.

Realising that T has feelings is even scarier still, yes? It's difficult and takes time and trust.

If you have been through a heap load of crap in the past, you need to work on that first otherwise you will block, block, block. I've been there, it is scary but it will happen.

Go easy on yourself, sounds like you have a heap load of present stress aswell, go for a walk, sit in the sun, distract yourself for a bit so that you can process what is going on in therapy.

Think what you would say to your patients/clients and apply it to yourself.

Take care.

(((pink))) I am thinking of you. I'm sorry that you are in so much pain right now.

((( Pinksoil ))) I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. Take care of yourself. Don't let the lies win. Hang in there.

((Pinksoil))

It really sucks when we don't connect. I had that two sessions in a row recently. Of course it's our resistance but it's not like we plan on resisting on any given day, so please don't beat yourself up.

Your post moved me to tears. I have so many of the same things going on, the ideation and thoughts of self harm. I think about turning my car off the road frequently.

Keep going and trying to connect or just go and be safe there with T. It will happen, because you two have a deep and trusting relationship. His willingness to say that he wasn't there yet is evidence of his commitment and willingness to get there.

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T asked if I felt dead.

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Two weeks ago when I was so frustrated with my inability to connect and I told T that someitimes I felt dead. He said that he thought dead was a powerful emotion. I remember looking at him and thinking, "What the hell does he mean?" "Dead means dead, zip, nada,nothing, flat (like your flatline)." I felt nothing.

But it came back and so will yours. It just took time and patience. Well, time because i was impatient. Hang in there.

In the meantime, be good to yourself.

((( pink )))

I'm sorry you're feeling depressed and disconnected from T and others. That stinks.

I know you have a great relationship with T there somewhere, and I have faith it will return to the satisfying depth you have felt before. Hang in there, be good to you for now, while you're waiting for it to happen.

(((Pink))).... so sorry things are so bad...

Just remember that not connecting once doesn't mean you didn't connect before or that you won't again. I know when I get depressed I generalize whatever's happening so that I think things were always like that. But it isn't true. You do have a great connection with your T -- you just couldn't get there last session. You will again. And hopefully tomorrow since it's nearly Friday! Good luck and try not to beat yourself up so much...

Sidony

Pink, sorry your last session didn't go well. It's so hard when you don't connect, especially after feeling the connection at other sessions and knowing how good it can be. When you reconnect, it is really going to be sweet, like coming home after a long absence. (Absence makes the heart grow fonder.) It'll be great when that happens. I hope it happens tomorrow!

(Note: I didn't really connect in my session yesterday either. That was after showing up for a Tuesday session and finding another guy there for the same time and T asking me if I could come back Wednesday instead, which did work for me. Anyway, not connecting profoundly last night was not the end of the world for me. I needed to ask T's advice on several issues and I accomplished that and got what I needed to know. Just didn't get what I am capable of feeling when I see him. Oddly enough, when I saw him for only 5 minutes the night before when he turned me away, I felt a very strong connection. It comes and goes--a mystery.)

Sorry for the digression. Seems a lot of us are not really connecting lately.

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Seems a lot of us are not really connecting lately.

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Oh yeah Sunny.....Connect, disconnect, connect, disconnect......It feels like a verizon wireless commercial.

"Can you hear me now?"

Is there anybody there?!

Sending hugs>>>>>>>>>>

((((((((( pinksoil )))))))))

Hello, howdy, hi. I have another session today at 5. 5 1/2 hours away!?!?!?! Ugh. I want so badly to connect with him today. Deeply. I want to stay with him for 17 hours. Maybe the more I dwell on connecting beforehand, the less I can actually do so in session. I need to rrrrelax.

Yes, definitely relax.....put it out of your mind and bring little Pink with you.

((((pinksoil))))

I hope it all goes well for you Pink. I am thinking of you