Ok, so there has been big progress on the connection front... HE even said he felt it, which is tres cool. But it has created a new problem... need.

i want to need him, and i know for this to get deep and to work well i NEED to need him. A certain amount of dependency needs to be created and it's uncomfortable. Ok, understood.

But... what i don't like and i am unsure of is that i can't afford to see him more than once per week, and really i can't afford that but i make it happen. With deep connection and need i think that once per week is really too hard. You spend too much time in the general chit chat and "how was your week?" crap. And my life is a roller coast for real much of the time. With a week b/w sessions there is just too much to catch up on. Plus i am BPII, so even in stable times my moods flucuate enough that reporting that takes up time.

So, i am questioning whether going deeper and forming that connection is wise. i really don't want to fall into that pattern i see where i spend time dwelling on my T or session or whatever all week long, counting the minutes till i see him again. And i am finding that i am doing some of that already. i saw him 2x a week just a couple of times and it was far more productive.

i need to go deep at some point, and this guy is good.. there are good signs we could form that connection needed. Geez..

[purplemoon]

Have you discussed maybe a longer once a week session. Maybe a little cheaper than 2 sessions a week. Or maybe you could send him an email before your session with all the stuff he needs to be up on, might cut some of the chit chat type stuff out. ((( gerber )))

[WinterRose]

Dependance is a scary thing. My T told me though that sometimes you have to be allowed to be dependent in order to work through being dependent so you won't have to be dependent any more.

[sunrise]

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With deep connection and need i think that once per week is really too hard. You spend too much time in the general chit chat and "how was your week?" crap.

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You can also eliminate the general chit chat to save time for the deep stuff. My T and I almost never do the chit chat routine but get right to the heart of the matter. I feel every minute with him is precious and I need to spend all my time on important stuff, especially when we are doing deep work. Sometimes we do talk on superficial topics, but at my instigation.

[pachyderm]

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WinterRose said:
Dependance is a scary thing. My T told me though that sometimes you have to be allowed to be dependent in order to work through being dependent so you won't have to be dependent any more.

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[Perna]

I don't think going deeper means "catching up on" your week you had and/or spending time in chit chat. My T always cut through the chit chat, we didn't have any, that's not therapy. Therapy is what happens in the room, one-on-one with the T. That's as deep as it can get, that's all you "have" is that experience of another person and their experience of you. Everyone needs other people, there's nothing "different" or wrong about that! That's why we're in therapy, to learn to give and take and respond from the heart with other people we choose. When I started therapy my T says I was a "shell" of a person. There was no me there. My T was "there" but I could not perceive her because I was not there. That is what therapy is, learning to be one's authentic self and perceive other people. It's good that you want to have a relationship with your T. But you can only have that in that room, once a week. Everything else is "imagined" when you're outside in your regular life and wishing for your T or wondering if your T is thinking about you or what they'd say or do in a situation, etc. One can carry one's perception and feelings about T with one but that still is our own thoughts, feelings and perception, not the T's. We have to interact with the T and ask about (or be told by them sharing) their thoughts, feelings and perceptions. And that only happens in the room.

Were I you, I would have this whole conversation with your T next week. I cannot help you with your relationship with your T, only your T can help you with that and that's the whole point of therapy. Any concerns need to be talked over with the person you have the concerns with? That is what therapy is about for me; stating one's thoughts and feelings about one's T to one's T and listening to, learning to hear their response. What happened "last Thursday at work" is incidental and already passed. Only as it relates to the work being done in the room "right now" is it important.

i wrote a lengthy reply but it would be of little use. No point.

Different therapies, different ideologies.

Thank you generously sent to posters who were supportive, you were helpful. That is what this place should be about, support.

i so badly want to just have my say, but for the sake of peace i won't.

in distress i withdraw... sometimes assumptions should not be made... others carry burdens so large and heavy, so close to the edge they tread. Words should be a hand held.

[lauren_helene]

I could be wrong Gerber but I wonder if his chit chatting is part of forming a bond with you? I know that it took time for me to trust mine enough to reveal anything.

Almost a year to tell him about some sexual abuse I suffered. We did a lot of the general talking for awhile and mixed in how I was feeling and talking about my negative thoughts.

That is what I needed and he knew that. Maybe yours is doing the same?

I know how hard this process can be. Talk to him about what you posted here and see what he says...good luck!

thank you... that is supportive. The chit chat is good for bonding, and i enjoy it... he's a nice guy with a compatible sense of humour, i think we'd get on great in other circumstances... but the reason i mention it is that if i go deeper, if i form the deeper connection and dependency... then i am concerned about time frames... and only then. Right now it's not too big a deal, not yet anyway. Once per week is ok, but if we go deeper i worry about it not being enough. The crisis catch up would have to be reduced and that can only happen with increased sessions.

[lauren_helene]

I totally agree with you on that Gerber. You'll want to discuss that with him. When I was going deeper the 45 minutes per week was not enough.

In fact, at one point, he did try to do 2x per week and the insurance refused it and gave him all sorts of trouble. So, I had to learn to deal on my own and that was so hard. Somewhere in my past posts are discussions about that.

If I could do anything over at all, it would be to talk more up front about what you need from the sessions and your T. I had such a hard time doing this and then when I did, it was rejected and the next several sessions were discussions about his rejecting me by not fighting the insurance company.

I shudder just remembering any of that but I'm glad you posted this so I can try and help you avoid extra pain...

thanx almeda.. i try very hard to be upfront about what i want/need... i wrote him a LOT of letters in the beginning so as to help him get to know me sooner and more candidly than i might be in person at first. i struggled through a lot of trying to understand what i wanted from him and what he could expect from me. i am doing my best to make the most of this.

doing therapy at all right now is a challenge on many fronts... i wonder if now is such a good time to open up so many things. i'm not a halfway person.. if i am going to be there, i want to get the full monty, not just a patch job to get me through.

there is just so much crisis around me though, i wonder what therapy can even offer me right now, other than just crisis support or suicide intervention.... and really, that is available in other forms for much cheaper than therapy.