[rainbow8]

Sitting in my car in T's parking lot. You guys are right. T says I don't have a secure attachment to her but she says we're working on my having one.

I asked about emailing without her answering but she said when I do that I'm wanting her to settle me, whereas she wants ME to learn to settle myself. I want HER to make it better. She wants ME to make myself better.

She understands that I'm grieving the loss of all the fantasy people in my life.

The hardest part was when she said it doesn't matter what she looks like, whether she wears her contacts or glasses, or how she's dressed. I tried to listen to all that.

When she asked where I feel the sadness in my body, I said I don't feel anything. She put her feet on top of mine for the whole rest of the session.

I couldn't cry though I felt like it. I didn't even get a chance to show her any photos.

She suggested headspace, a meditation app. Does anyone use it?

If I want, I can see her for an extra session before she goes away. I don't know what I want! I want T! She says she's here for me in the sessions. Nothing changed. But everything's changed for me. She can never be who I want!

[rainbow8]

I emailed and asked for another session. Short scheduling email. It will be Friday, the 16th, in addition to my session next Tuesday. I didn't sign "love" and T didn't either. I know she loves me so it's probably better not to write it.

This is so hard for me! It hurts. When I was holding my breath in the session, T had me "put" my daughter on one side of me and a close friend on the other. It helped a little but I still had those feelings for her. It was harder today because she looked good but I didn't tell her that.

She said maybe I'll have a boyfriend in my life. I said "or maybe not." I told her I was pushing her away, using black and white thinking. We agreed that's not good. She's my T, which is what she's supposed to be, not my fantasy mother, friend, or partner.

Accepting that is harder than anything I've had to do in my whole life because it started in first grade I think.

[sweepy62]

Hi, I use a lot of black and white thinking. I used head space for a bit. I couldn't concentrate enough, my mind races too much. They charge too much for extra sessions. I get that she wants you to feel better yourself, instead of her making you feel better, I always use this theory in session, is where the t, is like a GPS and ur the driver, a guider, if u get lost, or take a wrong turn, GPS will give u correct coordinates to get on Trac again. I don't know what a secure attachment would look like, I do know I'm not overly attached, I don't call her, can't email, but I still get that anxious feeling in the waiting room. Sorry ur in a ball of confusion. Hugs.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by sweepy62

Hi, I use a lot of black and white thinking. I used head space for a bit. I couldn't concentrate enough, my mind races too much. They charge too much for extra sessions. I get that she wants you to feel better yourself, instead of her making you feel better, I always use this theory in session, is where the t, is like a GPS and ur the driver, a guider, if u get lost, or take a wrong turn, GPS will give u correct coordinates to get on Trac again. I don't know what a secure attachment would look like, I do know I'm not overly attached, I don't call her, can't email, but I still get that anxious feeling in the waiting room. Sorry ur in a ball of confusion. Hugs.

Thanks, sweepy. I just did Day 1 of Headspace and I almost fell asleep! I'm very tired! I like your analogy of T being like a GPS. I wish I could think like that. I wanted T to be the answer, the destination, not the guide!

[Pennster]

I used headspace a few times. If you want to experiment with other kinds of meditations, I always think Chris germer' self-compassion ones are good. Christopher Germer, PhD, author of The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion; clinical psychologist specializing in the application of Buddhist psychology and meditation to alleviate difficult emotions in psychotherapy and everyday life.

[rainbow8]

Thank you, Pennster. Those meditations look good.

I'm thinking about T telling me it doesn't matter whether she's wearing her contacts or glasses--what she looks like. I felt like shouting out "But it DOES matter to me!" But I didn't. She would ask " why does it matter?" Difficult question. I think because I WANT to be attracted to her because it feels exciting yet embarrassing. She would say she hopes I will have a man in my life to satisfy those needs. She already knows that part of me wants to be in love with her. So why did she say it doesn't matter? It SHOULDN'T matter is what she meant. It's all related to my wanting her to be THE SOLUTION.

The above was called "settling myself". I'm still a work in progress. But I don't have to email T to tell her she was wrong and that the way she looks does matter to me. I can discuss it next week if it still bothers me. I can't simply drop years of fantasizing. It's not that easy and I can accept where I am.

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I emailed and asked for another session. Short scheduling email. It will be Friday, the 16th, in addition to my session next Tuesday. I didn't sign "love" and T didn't either. I know she loves me so it's probably better not to write it.

This is so hard for me! It hurts. When I was holding my breath in the session, T had me "put" my daughter on one side of me and a close friend on the other. It helped a little but I still had those feelings for her. It was harder today because she looked good but I didn't tell her that.

She said maybe I'll have a boyfriend in my life. I said "or maybe not." I told her I was pushing her away, using black and white thinking. We agreed that's not good. She's my T, which is what she's supposed to be, not my fantasy mother, friend, or partner.

Accepting that is harder than anything I've had to do in my whole life because it started in first grade I think.

Hi Rainbow
I see such tremendous growth when I read your posts. It sounds painful and difficult at the same time. I hope that it gets easier as time goes on. I can relate to your feelings towards your therapist. We want them to be that fantasy parent.. I've never actually told my therapist that but it's true. It isn't easy for me to sit with that yearning.. I almost get angry with my therapist when those feelings come up! I think the key is awareness. We are aware of what is reality and aware of the feelings of sadness that can accompany this reality. I wish you peace and contentment on your journey.

[objectclient]

That sounds so painful rainbow. I can relate to what you say a lot. I'm going to be going through the exact same thing myself one day in the not-so-distant-future. In fact the process has already begun. The wheels are in motion whether I like it or not. I have lived in fantasies most of my life and I've been letting go of them a bit at a time but damn is it painful.

[Sarmas]

Sorry to hear that rainbow. I lived in fantasy as well for many years. That's my comfort zone and what in used to. I can't imagine having to separate myself from that. I brought it up to my T and she ignored me. It's how I've coped throughout my life so i can relate. Relationships with Ts can at times become complicated and painful. It's easy for us to become attached and want so much more from it to fill in that void. When Ts reinforce boundaries and bring to our awareness the reality of the therapeutic relationship then it's difficult for some of us to fathom.

[Luce]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I WANT to be attracted to her because it feels exciting...

I think the above statement is really important. It sounds like you crave the excitement of the attraction. It makes me think of all the years you spent in a marriage that was definitely lacking in excitement, and how much you must have fantasized about it.

It is very exciting and thrilling to be in a new relationship, and it would be wonderful to be able to spend the rest of your life with someone who craves affection and connection with you as much as you do with them. I hope to find someone I can spend the rest of my days with, sometime. I hope I get to the point where I might be able to do that.