[runlola72]

I experience waxing and waning ET with T but mostly what I feel is paternal transference. What does it look like to acknowledge and work through this? Does it depend on the therapy modality? T has stopped short of saying, "you view me as a father figure", and I haven't directly said it either, though it is clearly inferred when I tell him I daydream about him reading me children's books
And the ET hasn't been mentioned by me so likely he has no clue.

Should I be more blunt and openly say "I wish I had a dad like you"? It feels so vulnerable saying that. Is it possible to work through the transference (any type)? Or is that a myth...? I'm sensing tentativeness on his part to explore this. I admit I don't fully understand the different types of therapy but his website mentions that he uses psychodynamic self-psychology. Not sure how much of a difference that makes....

It does depend on the orientation of therapy. It's an ongoing work in my therapy. In the beginning T would Point it out to me, saying "like your mother....."
Now I'm much more aware of it by myself and beat T to it.

[BayBrony]

Well...it's possible to acknowledge the transference, explore it in therapy, grieve the lack in your life that spawned the transference , and learn to accept the T relationship as its own unique and special thing.

Its hard though.

And the *T* needs to be up to the task. They need to have dealt with their own stuff, developed an ability to absorb anger etc without being offended, know how to be kind and tender while helping you learn that they can't be a parent but they can be a very important figure in your life.

Unfortunately from what I see here on PC, a lot of Ts haven't done the work on their own lives that is required to help someone resolve tranaference

[Waterbear]

Unless he reminds you of your father I don't see this is transference.

I thought transference was when we transfer the feelings we have for others onto individuals because they remind us somehow of them. Like recently with my T, she was talking to me scientifically and not really interacting with me emotionally. This reminded me of my Dad, I realised later, and I taransferred the negative feelings I have for him, onto her, in that moment. She was different though, I could have talked to her and she would have responded non defensively, whereas my Dad would not have, and I didn't realise that in the moment because of the transference.

Me wanting my T to be my Mum sometimes is less transference and more a deep desire based around the fact that I was never 'mothered' as a child. My body and heart are still missing that and so they want that from T, along with a lot of other things. I am glad that my T does provide the other things such as warmth and caring, touch and closeness, relating and listening and therefore my desire to have her as a Mother is very limited.

Maybe Isome would say I am wrong in my interpretation of transference but I don't think I am. Is it wrong to want something that you have never had that you should have had? I don't think it is. Is it wrong to admit that you want someone to care about you deeply like a parent does a child? No, I don't think it is either.

I have no experience in working through it like you asked, I am afraid, but I know that the longing does not really cause me any pain because I know that she is there for me however I need or want her to be, within the confines of the therapeutic relationship of course. Sorry if this wasn't any help.

[Argonautomobile]

I can't say I've ever experienced or worked through Transference Proper--erotic or maternal/paternal feelings--but we've worked through other feelings I've had about him. Like "It makes me very irritated when you show up for session 45 minutes late" feelings and "I feel extraordinarily fond of you today" feelings. We acknowledge it, talk about it, go through the Active Listening Parade, I get to feel understood and, if the issue is causing some practical problem, get a practical solution for it.

I imagine working through transference proper would look not unlike that. I'm sort of curious what your motivation is for talking about it. Just exploration? Or is it causing some problem--making it difficult for you to have sessions? Causing obsessive thoughts? Disturbing to you? If it is causing a problem, I imagine that would be the focus of your conversation.

[here today]

Based on my experience, I would say that if you're experiencing tentativeness on his part, then he is not up to the task -- and may have a hard time knowing why. For me, it's been a negative transference that no therapist could help me resolve. It's "good", in a way, for me to feel all the negativity and rage which I had cut off -- but without some other kind of "holding" environment -- can be bad news, I think. I've been having a really hard time with mine.

[runlola72]

Originally Posted by BayBrony

Well...it's possible to acknowledge the transference, explore it in therapy, grieve the lack in your life that spawned the transference , and learn to accept the T relationship as its own unique and special thing.

Its hard though.

And the *T* needs to be up to the task. They need to have dealt with their own stuff, developed an ability to absorb anger etc without being offended, know how to be kind and tender while helping you learn that they can't be a parent but they can be a very important figure in your life.

Unfortunately from what I see here on PC, a lot of Ts haven't done the work on their own lives that is required to help someone resolve tranaference

I *think* T has dealt with his own "stuff", but I should really ask.

[runlola72]

Originally Posted by Waterbear

Unless he reminds you of your father I don't see this is transference.

I thought transference was when we transfer the feelings we have for others onto individuals because they remind us somehow of them. Like recently with my T, she was talking to me scientifically and not really interacting with me emotionally. This reminded me of my Dad, I realised later, and I taransferred the negative feelings I have for him, onto her, in that moment. She was different though, I could have talked to her and she would have responded non defensively, whereas my Dad would not have, and I didn't realise that in the moment because of the transference.

Me wanting my T to be my Mum sometimes is less transference and more a deep desire based around the fact that I was never 'mothered' as a child. My body and heart are still missing that and so they want that from T, along with a lot of other things. I am glad that my T does provide the other things such as warmth and caring, touch and closeness, relating and listening and therefore my desire to have her as a Mother is very limited.

Maybe Isome would say I am wrong in my interpretation of transference but I don't think I am. Is it wrong to want something that you have never had that you should have had? I don't think it is. Is it wrong to admit that you want someone to care about you deeply like a parent does a child? No, I don't think it is either.

I have no experience in working through it like you asked, I am afraid, but I know that the longing does not really cause me any pain because I know that she is there for me however I need or want her to be, within the confines of the therapeutic relationship of course. Sorry if this wasn't any help.

I don't know, maybe it's not? But I experience negative transference of rejection when he doesn't reply to me, and get quite angry, very similar to the experience of feeling rejected/ignored by my father who never wrote or called. He's also a university professor like my dad. But the similarities end there. After that, my feelings for him are truly, the "dad I wish I had".

[runlola72]

Originally Posted by Argonautomobile

I can't say I've ever experienced or worked through Transference Proper--erotic or maternal/paternal feelings--but we've worked through other feelings I've had about him. Like "It makes me very irritated when you show up for session 45 minutes late" feelings and "I feel extraordinarily fond of you today" feelings. We acknowledge it, talk about it, go through the Active Listening Parade, I get to feel understood and, if the issue is causing some practical problem, get a practical solution for it.

I imagine working through transference proper would look not unlike that. I'm sort of curious what your motivation is for talking about it. Just exploration? Or is it causing some problem--making it difficult for you to have sessions? Causing obsessive thoughts? Disturbing to you? If it is causing a problem, I imagine that would be the focus of your conversation.

Yes, the obsessive thoughts kill me. I replay over and over in my mind scenarios that will never happen. I'm hoping to "name it (and discuss it) to tame it".
As an aside, I would love to be able to tell T that I'm feeling fond of him. Seems like such an intimate admission though... I'll have to work up courage

[runlola72]

Originally Posted by here today

Based on my experience, I would say that if you're experiencing tentativeness on his part, then he is not up to the task -- and may have a hard time knowing why. For me, it's been a negative transference that no therapist could help me resolve. It's "good", in a way, for me to feel all the negativity and rage which I had cut off -- but without some other kind of "holding" environment -- can be bad news, I think. I've been having a really hard time with mine.

Yeah I'm just not sure. Like, he will talk about my lack of a father and my desperate hunger for that feeling, but he never puts himself in the conversation, even though we both know I am pining for him in that way. Ugh I hate being so needy.

[here today]

Have actually used those words with him? Something like "You know I'm pining for you, don't you?"And then see how he responds?

Since the rupture and non-repair with my last T I am doing some better. I'm"owning" my rage, which kind of helps. How that has happened I'm not quite sure.

[Argonautomobile]

Originally Posted by runlola72

Yes, the obsessive thoughts kill me. I replay over and over in my mind scenarios that will never happen. I'm hoping to "name it (and discuss it) to tame it".
As an aside, I would love to be able to tell T that I'm feeling fond of him. Seems like such an intimate admission though... I'll have to work up courage

Sorry to hear about the obsessive thoughts--they're the worst. I hope naming and taming it works for you. Good luck with everything.

As an aside of my own, I think it's possible your T seems hesitant to talk about it because he's hesitant to be the first one to name it. I think sometimes T's don't want to be the first ones to name something like this because imagine how awkward and self-aggrandizing that would look if they were wrong.

[runlola72]

Originally Posted by here today

Have actually used those words with him? Something like "You know I'm pining for you, don't you?"And then see how he responds?

Since the rupture and non-repair with my last T I am doing some better. I'm"owning" my rage, which kind of helps. How that has happened I'm not quite sure.

It's good you're owning your rage. I'd like to own my "whatever you call this" lol.
And I am too shy to tell him I pine for him. I don't want to scare him away either.

[runlola72]

Originally Posted by Argonautomobile

Sorry to hear about the obsessive thoughts--they're the worst. I hope naming and taming it works for you. Good luck with everything.

As an aside of my own, I think it's possible your T seems hesitant to talk about it because he's hesitant to be the first one to name it. I think sometimes T's don't want to be the first ones to name something like this because imagine how awkward and self-aggrandizing that would look if they were wrong.

Hmmm maybe you're right. Maybe I should just come out and say it. Perhaps not about the ET part, but the other stuff. Then I'll be able to gauge by his response whether he's willing to explore this more in depth or not.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by Waterbear

Unless he reminds you of your father I don't see this is transference.

I thought transference was when we transfer the feelings we have for others onto individuals because they remind us somehow of them.

From my own experience with paternal (and some erotic) transference for my marriage counselor, I'm not sure this is always the case. For me, MC represents a more idealized father figure, like the father (and at one point, the husband), I wish I'd had. Like, he's talked about how he's dealt with his kids' anxiety issues, and I'm like, "I wish my dad had dealt with me like that."

To go back to OP's original question, I have to some extent been able to work on my transference with MC. We had a couple individual sessions (without H--he was OK with it) to discuss it, then we've discussed it a bit in joint sessions, as wells as over e-mail and the occasional phone call. MC said he's experienced it before, and he's been in practice around 25 years, and he seems fairly comfortable with the topic. I mean, I've said stuff like how sometimes I wish he could just hold me like a child and things like that, and he hasn't pushed me away. I've told him some stuff in e-mails about feelings, and he's said he's OK with it and not weird ed out by it. And I've thought before that I'm all over it, only to have it come roaring back. Which he's said is totally normal. It's not 100% dealt with, but definitely a good percentage.

[BudFox]

I have never heard anyone describe what it looks like to "work through transference". As far as I can tell, it is an entirely improvised practice. This seems rather at odds with the seriousness of what is potentially involved -- fooling around with childhood trauma, deprivations, neglect, etc. If a therapist cannot explain precisely how this will work, how often it does work, how much experience they have with it… i don't see how it is ethical to attempt it. I actually think it is an elaborate hoax.

In my case, nothing was discussed, no process explained. Blind leading the blind.

[sweepy62]

I had a problem with transference with a group t, I started wanting to see him like a dad, which then turned into a crush, but he didn't know my fèelings, I told t2, and she automatically pulled me from the group, it was a ptsd, group, she said it was in my best interest, my group t found out, I never got closure, or was able to work through that transference with him.
It's difficult so I know what you are going through.

[Waterbear]

I think by hiding it all inside and feeling ashamed of being needy it just inflames it all. Admitting I liked my T, admitting I wanted her to hold me while I cried, admitting that I wished she would be my good enough mother a d her still being there after all that had made a huge difference to me. I guess I did name it (even though I don't believe this is transference) and it has tamed it for me. I know she will meet my needs in the sessions and somewhat out of session through limited use of emails and texts. This has made a world of difference and my feelings for her are mostly stable when things go well. I think of her and still want from her but not in an obsessive and over the top way, in my mind anyway.

I hope you can have the conversation. I got all of this out of the way very early because I did not want to be in a therapeutic relationship that would not meet my needs, because for me this fuels everything.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I don't believe I suffer from transference, least not with current T and ex-T. I don't/didn't want them to be my mother nor do they remind me of my mother. For me, it's attachment.

I have not worked through it, as in I have not resolved it. I do openly talk about it. My T checks in about my level of attachment every so often. She keeps strong, consistent boundaries with me. And we're starting to come up with ways to distance myself from her. Like now I see her every other week instead of weekly. And my homework is to try to go 7 days without looking at her picture.

I will say that my level of attachment has significantly decreased from ex-T to current T. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's the boundaries?

I haven't managed to work through any transference with any of my ts and have had some kind of transference with all of them. Two of them erotic and the others maternal. None of them had been able to handle it and ended up making it all worse. Current t has been able to contain her feelings mostly when I get mad at her. This is the only thing I am grateful for when my transference towards her turns negative and she doesn't react or take the hook. She always waits a day before replying and calmly says we will focus this in our next session. Others ts have reacted and this ends up with me succeeding in pushing them away and me feeling like I have been abandoned again.
I don't think it would do any harm to share your feelings with your t about wanting him to be your father. I think it could really open up a lot of your work together. If you feel safe with him, I would mention it to him but are you prepared for knowing the truth yet that he can't and will never be able to be your father and the feelings that will come up after this is acknowledged. Do you think you and your t can hold these feelings?

[retro_chic]

I do find that talking as openly as possible with T helps with the transference. It does seem like something that is going to take a long time to work through though. My T has straight up asked me if she reminds me of my Mum. I said no at the time but I'm realising now it is more of an "idealised maternal figure" transference thing going on. I actually opened up a little bit with my Mum last week about this kind of stuff and it went pretty well. I still don't feel as though my Mum understands me but I know the conversation was a step in the right direction and I think more steps like that will help to work through the transference.

By the way, my T is psychodynamic with a focus on self-psychology too

[Parva]

Originally Posted by Argonautomobile

Sorry to hear about the obsessive thoughts--they're the worst. I hope naming and taming it works for you. Good luck with everything.

As an aside of my own, I think it's possible your T seems hesitant to talk about it because he's hesitant to be the first one to name it. I think sometimes T's don't want to be the first ones to name something like this because imagine how awkward and self-aggrandizing that would look if they were wrong.

On the other hand, the T may be fully aware of the transference, but a lot of the discovery has to be by the patient for it to have meaning. In order for them to explore and understand the transference, the patient has to experience it for themselves. A therapist telling the patient they have transference won't mean nearly the same thing as the patient coming to grips with it on their own. The T also has to let the process work at the pace of the patient.

[growlycat]

My long term t is a self psychology guy. Kohut high five!

[kecanoe]

My transference to Ts is largely negative. It takes me a long time to trust women and there has been no reason at all for me to not trust my female ts. For that, it has just taken time. I start with being unsure I want to pursue therapy with female t, then a long time (like a year) of slowly deciding I will stick w/t, then a slow opening up about my stuff. I tell them right away that I have trust issues, especially with women. But I am confident they know that without me saying anything.

Like other posters, for me the issue is attachment rather than transference. And I don't seem to work like many others. I attach strongly and quickly to male ts and my dad was a good parent. He raised me and my brother and was always the solid person I could/can rely on. I think I am different from others because of DID. My littles still miss my dad (he's alive, lives just a few hours away) and want him daily. And my littles are really good at eliciting nurturing from men. It is slowly getting better.

I am not actually sure what "working through" means exactly... I guess letting the experience unfold, discussing it in a useful way, deriving meaning and potentially fresh perspective from it?

I had some intense transference reactions with both of my therapists, different kinds. I typically told them about these quite soon after realizing what was going on and we talked about it some, a few of these discussions were right on the money but with my first T, he has a tendency to distort my thoughts and feelings and infuse them with his own stuff, and from all I know, he does this with many patients. He apparently "worked through" the things where all that comes from, which might be true in terms of his understanding it, but he acts out often and tries to force patients into the same mold apparently believing that most psychological problems stem from the same, universal, source. I do think that his idea is true for many people and those will find the approach helpful, but not everyone. I did have an intense negative (somewhat maternal, I think) transference reaction to his misunderstanding and misinterpreting me, which I found meaningful, but he did not help me process it, in part because I left driven by the negative experience. But then discussed it with my current T and we continue to do so when there is a context.

With my current T, my transference reactions are more subtle than what would be clearly parental or erotic... there are always strong specific elements and the whole thing is generally very positive. For example, my liking of what I perceive as consistency on his side. I sometimes have fantasies about him being a close friend or a brother. Sometimes erotic thoughts, although I am not sure this is transference per se other than he is just the type of man I usually find attractive. What tends to dominate though is my appreciation of his professionalism. I do not idealize him at all, just tend to focus on the positive qualities. I did mention to him all these reactions and will continue to do so as bringing it up and then discussing is always quite enlightening. But it's not like he provides some brilliant insights I never thought of... I typically come of with the interpretations myself and then we discuss it, that's our way of "working through" I guess.

I definitely recommend bringing up the feelings. Even if they are negative or the T does not really understand them correctly, I think the process of discussing it often generates new forms of self comprehension and perhaps a more realistic perspective. IMO, it's worth the initial discomfort.