[objectclient]

A couple of weeks ago, I thought I had finally got over ex T and her rejecting me. It felt as though I had accepted the fact that she will never see me as a client ever again and I was looking forward and feeling optimistic about finding a new T who can help me move forward. I realized that ex T was probably not as good as I had previously thought (probably because I was idealizing again ) and that her rejecting me could actually be an opportunity to find someone better. Without realizing, I had gone a whole week without thinking about ex T, how she rejected me etc. compared to obsessing about her on a daily basis.

Fast forward a week and I don't know what's changed or what has triggered me but I'm back to square one, obsessing again. I have been trying to work out what the purpose of this obsessing is and I think it's because I miss the connection I had with her and obsessing is a way of keeping that alive (for me at least).

[Wikbit]

You must have had a real connection with your x-t. Otherwise, you wouldn't give them a passing thought. What was the reason things didn't work out?

For me, it was because someone else directly interfered in my therapy. My x-t had no respect for me and was looking for some kind of adventure with the obnoxious 3rd party. He took from me, the 3rd party took from me and I am left with nothing but broken relationships thanks to them.

[mostlylurking]

Sometimes things are just two steps forward, one step back, and there's not much rhyme or reason to it. I think the important thing is to be patient with yourself, and to not lose heart (after all, you did spend a week without thinking about her and that will happen again, and more frequently in the future). You were badly treated by someone who knew you extremely well and was supposed to be in a helping profession, and that is not a betrayal that you can get over lightly. But I know from my own experience and lots of others here that there are great T's out there, though there are an alarming number of terrible ones. You know more about therapy now, and you will be able to find someone good sometime soon I hope. Maybe try distracting yourself with a list of questions you want to ask the next prospective T? Like about how they handle terminations, for starters.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by mostlylurking

Sometimes things are just two steps forward, one step back, and there's not much rhyme or reason to it. I think the important thing is to be patient with yourself, and to not lose heart (after all, you did spend a week without thinking about her and that will happen again, and more frequently in the future). You were badly treated by someone who knew you extremely well and was supposed to be in a helping profession, and that is not a betrayal that you can get over lightly. But I know from my own experience and lots of others here that there are great T's out there, though there are an alarming number of terrible ones. You know more about therapy now, and you will be able to find someone good sometime soon I hope. Maybe try distracting yourself with a list of questions you want to ask the next prospective T? Like about how they handle terminations, for starters.

I agree. You're mourning a loss of a relationship. It's not necessarily a completely forward path. It certainly sounds like a few romantic breakups I've had, where I'd think I was doing better, then suddenly be really sad and missing the person again. (Then there were some breakups where I just went on with my life and barely gave them another thought.) So don't beat yourself up over missing T. It's natural.

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[MariaLucy]

I think I am in the same boat!!
Two steps forward and one step back
So sorry you too are going through this.

thats what i went through also when my ex t dumped me out of nowhere. i am so glad i found a new therapist though (after two years of looking) because she was worth the wait and so mch better than ex t. i still have days where i miss ex t and get upset about what happened but at least those days are rare now.

[objectclient]

Originally Posted by Wikbit

You must have had a real connection with your x-t. Otherwise, you wouldn't give them a passing thought. What was the reason things didn't work out?

For me, it was because someone else directly interfered in my therapy. My x-t had no respect for me and was looking for some kind of adventure with the obnoxious 3rd party. He took from me, the 3rd party took from me and I am left with nothing but broken relationships thanks to them.

I had been in therapy 2 years which was the maximum time she could see me. I left on good terms (or so I thought) and she said any time in the future I would be welcome to return. I was then transferred to group therapy which was a terrible therapy experience. I persevered with it and stuck it out although I know now I should have walked away. I tried to go it alone for some months afterwards, writing a journal, reading about my diagnoses, talking with people going through similar struggles etc. but it wasn't enough. I contacted ex T fairly recently to ask if I could see her for further therapy and she declined on the grounds that it wasn't ethical.

Originally Posted by mostlylurking

Sometimes things are just two steps forward, one step back, and there's not much rhyme or reason to it. I think the important thing is to be patient with yourself, and to not lose heart (after all, you did spend a week without thinking about her and that will happen again, and more frequently in the future). You were badly treated by someone who knew you extremely well and was supposed to be in a helping profession, and that is not a betrayal that you can get over lightly. But I know from my own experience and lots of others here that there are great T's out there, though there are an alarming number of terrible ones. You know more about therapy now, and you will be able to find someone good sometime soon I hope. Maybe try distracting yourself with a list of questions you want to ask the next prospective T? Like about how they handle terminations, for starters.

Thanks for the advice. I will give that a go.

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I agree. You're mourning a loss of a relationship. It's not necessarily a completely forward path. It certainly sounds like a few romantic breakups I've had, where I'd think I was doing better, then suddenly be really sad and missing the person again. (Then there were some breakups where I just went on with my life and barely gave them another thought.) So don't beat yourself up over missing T. It's natural.

Save

Thank you. It just angers me that I am affected this way while ex T most likely hasn't given it a second thought.

Originally Posted by MariaLucy

I think I am in the same boat!!
Two steps forward and one step back
So sorry you too are going through this.

I'm sorry you are too. Iknow how much it sucks.

Originally Posted by Starry_Night

thats what i went through also when my ex t dumped me out of nowhere. i am so glad i found a new therapist though (after two years of looking) because she was worth the wait and so mch better than ex t. i still have days where i miss ex t and get upset about what happened but at least those days are rare now.

Thank you Starry Night. That gives me hope.

[Coco3]

I've had many times after termination when I was doing fine until I realized it was because I wasn't missing T. That realization was the trigger to feel bad again. When I didn't miss him, I was admitting he wasn't present in my life anymore, and admitting that was painful. That's when I needed to feel connected again and started missing him again.

I hope that makes sense...

I agree with the others that it's two steps forward and one step back. Be gentle to yourself. You'll get over her at your own pace.

[objectclient]

Originally Posted by Coco3

I've had many times after termination when I was doing fine until I realized it was because I wasn't missing T. That realization was the trigger to feel bad again. When I didn't miss him, I was admitting he wasn't present in my life anymore, and admitting that was painful. That's when I needed to feel connected again and started missing him again.

I hope that makes sense...

I agree with the others that it's two steps forward and one step back. Be gentle to yourself. You'll get over her at your own pace.

It makes a lot of sense and I think that's how it is with me.

Even though I am getting to grips with life minus T and realizing life goes on beyond termination and rejection, I just really miss having that level of connection with someone. Even with family and so-called friends, it's something I'd never experienced before therapy with this particular T.

I am starting to think how I will address my attachment issues with new T and I'm afraid of scaring them off before therapy has even begun. Does anybody have any tips?

[Soccer mom]

I've been through this exact situation. I was terminated a year ago and realized afterwards that my ex-T. was emotionally abusive and it was not a good fit. I couldn't see any of that when I was in the situation.

I found another T. and she has been great. I laid it all out there even my fear of attaching to her/being dependent and her leaving me as well. She told me many times she isn't leaving me and feels my ex-T. fueled my attachment/dependency. I now see she is correct. I have the same transference with my current T. but it's not intense and is very manageable. Of course, all of that disclosure was probably over a month. I find that I'm slowly feeling less and less towards her and she's becoming "normal" which is what I read would happen.

However, as great as T. is, I can't stop thinking about ex-T. We live in a small town so I see her around and my co-worker sees her (which was one reason for the termination over my feelings about it). So, I have constant reminders. I too go back and forth and feel that's just part of the process. It took almost a year to have a huge realization that I never felt ex-T. accepted me. That solved a lot of questions around why my feelings were so intense with her.

Anyway, I think it will help to find another T. to process it with however I know how scary that is. Most of my tears in the beginning were over the fact that new T. wasn't ex-T. It's like dating immediately after a relationship ending. Good luck!

[objectclient]

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

I've been through this exact situation. I was terminated a year ago and realized afterwards that my ex-T. was emotionally abusive and it was not a good fit. I couldn't see any of that when I was in the situation.

I found another T. and she has been great. I laid it all out there even my fear of attaching to her/being dependent and her leaving me as well. She told me many times she isn't leaving me and feels my ex-T. fueled my attachment/dependency. I now see she is correct. I have the same transference with my current T. but it's not intense and is very manageable. Of course, all of that disclosure was probably over a month. I find that I'm slowly feeling less and less towards her and she's becoming "normal" which is what I read would happen.

However, as great as T. is, I can't stop thinking about ex-T. We live in a small town so I see her around and my co-worker sees her (which was one reason for the termination over my feelings about it). So, I have constant reminders. I too go back and forth and feel that's just part of the process. It took almost a year to have a huge realization that I never felt ex-T. accepted me. That solved a lot of questions around why my feelings were so intense with her.

Anyway, I think it will help to find another T. to process it with however I know how scary that is. Most of my tears in the beginning were over the fact that new T. wasn't ex-T. It's like dating immediately after a relationship ending. Good luck!

Thanks Soccer Mom. I'm not sure my ex T was emotionally abusive...at least not until she went back on what she said and rejected me. However, I do think she fueled my attachment and infantile feelings by giving out hugs but not engaging in discussion about why I felt I needed them and the feelings they triggered (i.e. unmet childhood needs). In hindsight, in a similar way that you felt ex T never really accepted you, I realized that I felt I had to meet T's approval/expectations to be worthy of her care for me, a trait I have carried all my life especially with authority figures. I am now a little disappointed she didn't spot this and help me break the cycle and that I didn't feel I could be 100% myself without her rejecting me.

[unaluna]

Soccer mom, now that its been a while - something you said in this post reminded me - wasnt there stg about your ex-t having a weird relationship with her mother also? Like she was rejecting you for having the same feelings towards your mother that she had towards her own mother? - stg like that? Thats some countertransference.

[ScarletPimpernel]

My ex-T abandoned me a year and a half ago. I don't cry for her anymore, but I still have days where I miss her and think about her. I think it's just part of the grieving process, not that you have failed. Be patient with yourself. It's not your fault that this has happened.

Btw, I know you wrote another thread on this... Could your T think it's unethical to have you as a client again because it would re-foster your attachment to her? Sorry if it's off topic. I was just thinking of how seeing a client again would be unethical.

[objectclient]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

My ex-T abandoned me a year and a half ago. I don't cry for her anymore, but I still have days where I miss her and think about her. I think it's just part of the grieving process, not that you have failed. Be patient with yourself. It's not your fault that this has happened.

Btw, I know you wrote another thread on this... Could your T think it's unethical to have you as a client again because it would re-foster your attachment to her? Sorry if it's off topic. I was just thinking of how seeing a client again would be unethical.

She did mention dependency in relation to it being unethical but she was never willing to engage in a discussion about my attachment to her while I was in therapy. It was as though she avoided doing so and termination was a convenient way for her to deal with it, not that I was terminated for that reason. It just seemed as though she kept putting it off and was like, "Oh look, we've reached the end now anyway". As someone who struggles with attachment, shame and disgust IRL, the way she dealt with this only confirmed my belief that people are afraid of getting too close to me and vice versa them because I am disgusting and shameful.