[Christina86]

I hurt. I feel disconnected.

Therapy just finished, and I feel horrible. Always asking questions - I think I saw a thread here about therapists focussing on certain words? Yeah, he does that... and it hurts. Another stupid self-harm contract covering everything from blatant attempts to harm myself - to negative self talk (hah, like that will happen) to witholding emotions.

Can someone please agree with me here that my T is NUTS? He's asking too much of me.

I feel hopeless. I don't even know if he was trying to help. I felt so far off. My emotions wrecking havoc on everything. Said some stuff I shouldn't have.

Now I'm alone again and have to wait until Monday. Phooey.

[Cheri]

Sorry you had a difficult session, Canders.

I agree with you; it does seem kind of nuts to try to contract someone out of negative self-talk, withholding emotions, etc., when those are things we usually have to learn how to handle differently, not just change on demand. If it were that easy, why would we need therapists???

[Christina86]

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Cheri said:
Sorry you had a difficult session, Canders.

I agree with you; it does seem kind of nuts to try to contract someone out of negative self-talk, withholding emotions, etc., when those are things we usually have to learn how to handle differently, not just change on demand. If it were that easy, why would we need therapists???

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Thank you! (((((((((((Cheri))))))))))))))

I guess my T is new and all (he just graduated in April) but I honestly think he's missed the boat this time. Good intentions, BAD way to go about it.

Sad, since I have such a nice connection with him most of the time.

Right now I just feel exceedingly crappy.

[dreamrunner]

I just dont understand contracts.....the way I look at it weither its for self harm/suicide etc a person will probably go ahead and do it anyways.If its for SH client will either cover up or feel tremendous Guilt about breaking it contract.
Thank God my pdoc doesnt believe in them.I dont think I would agree to sign one either.
Well good luck Canders

[Christina86]

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dreamrunner said:
I dont think I would agree to sign one either.
Well good luck Canders

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Even better, it's not written - it's a verbal contract. He said if I break it that it won't be the end of the world but AHH.

Okay, I have no great love for him right now. In fact, he annoys me. Or maybe I annoy myself. I'm having trouble distinguishing feelings right now.

Have I lost my mind... it feels like it.

Thanks (((((((((((((dreamrunner)))))))))))))))

ok, he's crazy.

Verbal or even written contracts are usually only effective in last resort situations... like interventions. You're right, he missed the boat... but at least he was trying to actually catch the boat. You can turn it around and look at it as a sign he cares enough that he wants to find a way to stop you from hurting yourself.

what type of therapy does he do? i try to get mine to work on the emotional and he is less into it.

My T has an interesting approach. He doesn't try to stop me from self-harming. Rather, he validates that I do it for a release, and empathizes with all of the reasons why I engage in this behavior. He is much more interested in working with the emotional process of the self-injury, rather than trying to stop it. He and I both know that contract or not, I am going to continue the behavior right now. Sometimes we do make sort of "contract" in which it is known that I probably am going to self-harm, but I am not going to do it to a very serious extent. I had to call him today because of overwhelming suicidal ideation. He knows that the strongest thing for me is my connection to him.... so he said, "I want to see you on Friday. I don't want to hear about you, I don't want to read about you, I want to see you." I told him that I already SI'ed today. He said, "I don't want anything to happen to you... but you must have needed that release so badly. I am going to see you on Friday, right?" His last words in the conversation were, "Please try to stay as safe as possible until then."

Not only does each T differ in his/her approach to self-harm/suicidal ideation, but it also really depends on the patient and to what extent the T feels comfortable letting it go. Some Ts are going to cover the risks more than others depending on who they are dealing with and what the situation is. Also, if there are certain connections, etc. that can be identified, those might work first. Whatever the method, your T does care about you.

[Christina86]

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gerber said:
what type of therapy does he do? i try to get mine to work on the emotional and he is less into it.

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As he put it, he does emotion-focused and interpersonal. He really focuses on the emotions though ... I guess I do need it though, since I'm not always emotionally connected (and other stuff).

Thanks (((((((((((gerber)))))))))))) your analogy made me laugh - I know he cares, I just hope he doesn't do this to me again. I feel so fed up with therapy right now.

[Christina86]

(((((((((pinksoil)))))))))))))

Sounds like a wonderful T.

I think my T might not know what to make of my behaviour ... I'm going to try to get him to understand - but we'll see if it works.

Thank you so much - I love hearing how other T's operate... helps me to understand mine a tiny bit.

[jacq10]

Personally. I hate contracts. I had to be put on a stupid SI contract (actually it wasn't by my T but my residence manager) and, seriously, how is signing a piece of paper going to magically make you stop a certain action? If anything it makes you feel dumb, and guilty if you don't abide by this "contract". I don't think guilting someone into doing something is the right solution.

I do however believe that your T does care for you. Maybe he just doesn't quite know how to get a handle on this one ... have you talked to him about how you don't think the contract is possibly the right way to go? maybe he just needs a little bit of feedback?

I'm sorry you're feeling so crummy ... hang in there my friend
Jacq

[lauren_helene]

Signing contracts...well I think they are just trying to protect themselves legally with something like that.

I'd rip it up and walk out. I had a psychologist do that to me years ago when I came to her for something specific. I think I signed Mickey Mouse and left.

You want to be treated like a person, a real person not a legally bound document that has been reviewed by their attorney.

T's and P-doc's first and foremost concern is not us, it's lawsuits. If you look on google at all of the books, seminars, classes etc. that is out there on protecting themselves you'll see what I mean.

[Christina86]

((((((((((((Jacq)))))))))))))

((((((((almeda24fan))))))))))))

Thanks both of you.

[Christina86]

If anyone can give me insight or ideas, it would be appreciated.

I feel obligated somehow to tell T on Monday how I felt about him during (and now after) our last session. Basically I still think he's a good T, but I don't know if I trust him... I don't know if I like him very much at the moment either. Yeah, I have no logical reason behind the emotions.

But my question... how do you tell a T something like that? What am I supposed to say? "Therapy made me feel like crap, I didn't feel connected to you, it (therapy) scared and hurt me and I felt you weren't really supportive of me or listened to me at all" and also tell him that his contract sucks (which I broke anyways... which will not be fun to explain... stupid cognitive distortions and drinking) and that if he's going to make me do a contract I want to be able to have imput, and that it NEEDS to be on paper because I need the tangible object? If you want to reach me and have me remember something, it NEEDS to be written down. I also appreciate the object itself... don't know how to explain that one, but my last two T's have given me notes that I'm supposed to remember (like YWI - you're worth it) ... I felt better just having it, and I still do. Should I also say that I don't mind contracts, and will try to abide by them but also that asking me to do all this stuff is ridiculous - especially without giving me any coping mechanisms as replacement?

Basically I feel disconnected and uncared for and I don't exactly want to go back to see him. That environment isn't safe yet for me.... and he keeps pushing, and doesn't seem to understand when I freak out. I've had two mild freak outs (anxiety) and he did nothing to calm me down. Still don't like that either.

But he has a way of understanding, and he is helpful. I'm not asking for people to tell me to get a new T ... I'm just finding he's not really helpful at the moment.

Help! PLEASE. I feel like I'm going insane.

[lauren_helene]

Canders, I'm sorry my post above was so negative. I don't like contracts and I stand behind most of my comments but our T's and P-docs don't necessarily just focus on legal issues.

That was my most depressive mood taking over. I hope I didn't trigger you.

I think you should go back and tell him that you don't like that contract and why. I hope he doesn't mishandle your thoughts.

[Christina86]

(((((almeda24fan)))))))))

your post wasn't that negative. I know some people's feelings on contracts ... I'm trying to use it to force myself to be accountable to myself, but it isn't working at the moment. I've done contracts with different people - (strangely enough with one friend) and that seems to work better than this one. Oh well.

Thanks again ... I will have to tell him, like it or not.

My T and I recently both signed a contract, as well as many different alters that I have. One part was for her to sign... that she would not abruptly end treatment unless something beyond her control forced her to do so. We had to sign that no one in the system who has been involved in therapy would abruptly end therapy either, without a closure session and a chance for our T to explain why it's in our best interest to continue. This was draw up by all of the alters and our T, to help with abandonment fears.
There is also a section on self harm behavior. It doesn't say that we won't self harm, but that we will try to contact a safe person (our roommate, our T, etc) if the urges to self harm get too strong so that they have a chance to help us be rational. With alters sharing my body, it's just trying to plant in a few speed bumps for those alters who tend to crash out of control.
Alters sign if they wish. If they don't sign, that's their choice. It's mostly a security for us that we won't be abandoned, and that we will try to reach out if we want to harm.

[Christina86]

Interesting...

((((((((((stormyangels)))))))))))))

Do you find that the contract works most of the time?

It definitely helps with our abandonment fears. When we tend to feel like we're going to be left, she says "But, we signed a contract, I'm not going to just up and leave you. And I haven't ever lied to you before."
It helps with self harming because it has instructions to follow to try to make the urge leave. The instructions seem to help us all focus and feel more safe because there are set steps to do. Our T is very quick to return phone calls or emails and helps the urge always leave.
So far, it's been a savior.

[okiedokie]

Hi Canders,
Can you call him today? If so, you could tell him how you feel, talk it through and maybe get reassured.
Your thoughts?
Okie

[Christina86]

Hey ((((((((((okiedokie))))))))))))

no way to contact him until our appointment. he's big into 'boundaries' and hasn't even given me his email ... different from my other T's before, definetely.

So I get to feel crummy for one more day. Only one more day... *sigh*

Thanks

[January]

Christina,

Print out your post on the second page and hand it to him. If he has any sense at all, he'll realize he made a huge mistake.

Tell him you came there to learn how to not do those behaviors, not to be told not to do them!!!!!!

Hugs,

Jan

[Christina86]

Ack! That scares the crud out of me Jan. Can I actually be that honest without him being upset? What if he gets fed up with me? I don't want to lose him. I can't. I don't want to lose someone else.

Ah crap I'm losing it again.

Write up your own contract of things you'd like him to commit to.

Like-- no contracts.

Seriously though, even if you don't give it to him, write it down. It might help you sort through your feelings about it.

I took these from your post. (the one Jan said to bring in) It's what I "saw" you were trying to say.

Create a safe environment.

Don't push too hard or too fast.

I don't want you to just listen to me--I want you to "hear" me.

Teach me coping mechanisms.

These things will help me learn to trust you.

[Christina86]

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Petunia said:
I took these from your post. (the one Jan said to bring in) It's what I "saw" you were trying to say.

Create a safe environment.

Don't push too hard or too fast.

I don't want you to just listen to me--I want you to "hear" me.

Teach me coping mechanisms.

These things will help me learn to trust you.

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Petunia, that's what I was trying to say. Not very concise though. I suck for making sense sometimes.

((((((((((((((Petunia)))))))))))))))))

((((((((((((January)))))))))))))))))))

I'll try to tell him all this stuff. Thank you both.

I suck for making sense sometimes

You know that gets you 20 Petunia smacks upside the head, right?