[growlycat]

When meeting with new therapists how many sessions do you give it before terminating early if it isn't working out? I'm really trying not to be impulsive and quit. I don't know if I should email him and explain this. Sorry for all of the posts having a hard time

Maybe you could check out one or two others without quitting? And remember, even if you don't make another appointment with him for a while, you can always change your mind again and go back.

[growlycat]

Good advice! Hopefully I can get my head on straight to follow it

I just emailed him to tell him I'm on the fence about coming back. I told him politely why. (Doesn't remember a damn thing about me).

[ruh roh]

I terminated the last one after one trial session. A friend tried to suggest I give the person a little more time, but I was losing sleep over the idea of going back and that was my cue to cancel (which I did in a voice message and she called back to thank me). With another, I canceled before the first appointment after reading more about her. When I called, expecting to get a voice message, she answered. It was really awkward on her end--she was clearly confused and not happy about the cancellation and it was like pulling teeth to get her to explain very clearly what kind therapy she provides because I was not drawn toward the kind I was reading about in her website materials. With others that I have tried, I went maybe 4 or 5 times before calling to cancel. They did not reply.

I like Echos' suggestion that you can change your mind later and go back.

I really only give them two or three sessions. I know pretty quickly if that person in that other chair is someone I will feel comfortable with and whose style and insight is going to be workable for me. The three therapists I worked with effectively for years were all therapists I literally knew in the first session would work for me.

Several others I tried out and left (I don't think I'd use the word terminated since I didn't really feel I ever really got started with them). Why? A couple I really felt were an awful fit for me: too inexperienced, too unboundaried, too much self-revelation far too early, etc. More often, it was just a sense that there was no connection to that therapist whatsoever; it was like talking to the wall. I think they might have been really kind of hardcore blank slate psychodynamic types that believed in just sitting there and listening while I sat there and contemplated my belly button. Whatever the case; it was not going to work for me and I knew that, so I moved on.

[awkwardlyyours]

In my most recent T search, here are the stats:

Met 3 Ts in person (excluding current T). Of the 3 --
Did 2 sessions with 2 Ts;
1 session with 1 T;

Cancelled the next session with the 2 Ts (with who I did 2 sessions each) over email.

One was very gracious -- I'd actually been a bit weird and first said I'd start with her (before I realized there was a major red flag [mostly due to my pickiness]) before canceling. She replied that it's totally fine, great meeting with me blah blah.

The other T I cancelled with (after 2 sessions) wrote back a bit of (what I thought was) a passive-aggressive response -- "Good luck finding what you're looking for". She'd also been weirdly invested + disinvested in me in a way that I still can't quite put my finger on. She'd first said (before meeting me) that she wanted to talk to me over the phone -- so, when we spoke on the phone she said "We will BOTH TOGETHER [emphasis mine] decide whether to continue or not" (I was mostly like "Lady, you ain't interfering in any decision I make about you"!).

And, when I met with her, she was all over the place and chatting with me about random stuff (non-therapy related) but at the same time was also kinda dismissive and minimizing of stuff I said (especially about my former T).

Similarly, she was totally fine at first about my taking the time to check out other Ts (at the time that I made a second appointment with her) but then for whatever the reason, she seemed to forget that I'd made a second appointment -- so, she went into a long spiel on the day of the appointment on how she wanted to tell me stuff and give stuff to me even if I decided not to continue with her because she thought that it was important that I have it blah blah. It was weird.

And, none of the stuff she wanted to give me was remotely insightful -- her big "insight" seemed to be that I have complex PTSD and so apparently, the only way I could've dealt with the stuff that's happened is by dissociating a lot. Ergo, any semblance of functionality I show is a product of near-constant dissociation. And, consequently, the fact that I'm "functional" means there's a "lot of bad stuff inside" (her exact words). I was like umm...okay, maybe I should roll around on your floor wailing and refuse to leave or something for you to think I'm normal?!

Okay, I'll quit venting here -- it was just bizarre! And, she'd struck me as sane and solid (more than 3 decades of experience) when I first looked at her profile etc. Or, maybe I just have ridiculously high standards.

The other T I met with for just one session -- I just left the session saying that I'll think about it and get in touch if I want to (I never did). He was way kookier than the rest.

Another T I spoke to on the phone (she insisted on a phone conversation first) -- at the end of it I was like "Yeah, no" (she looks fantastic on paper but seemed truly tone deaf) but didn't say so (ended up making an appointment because you know, I hate confrontation). But, then emailed later to cancel it -- she was pretty nice about it.

A bunch of other Ts -- just emailed to figure stuff out and cancelled in a couple of cases after making appointments when I read up more about them (in one case, one dude had weird, creepy stuff written about him!).

The whole T search requires a ton of humor I tell you. It's disheartening and paradoxically, best done when you actually don't need to do it.

[stopdog]

I don't think a client has to work so hard at dealing with the therapist - especially not this early on. I don't think it has to such a big deal to try out others or just move on. If this guy is not working out, it is not your fault and you get to find another who might work out better. Don't waste time and money if it just does not feel right. I am a big believer in trying out a lot of them. Also - you don't have to explain yourself or apologize.
From what I have seen, one can always go back if you can't find a better one.

[Merecat]

I give it one or two sessions at most, it becomes expensive to keep on with someone and I tend to know pretty quickly if we're going to get on or not.

[Waterbear]

Of the three that I had optioned to choose from I did four sessions with one and two with another. The lady I did two with did not charge me for either. Very interesting and pretty kind of her to be honest.

I also did 1 session with a few others but it was obvious from the first it would not work.

[mindwrench]

This thread came along at just the right time. I decided to quit seeing my T after 3 sessions. I called his office Friday and notified them. Tomorrow I can talk to the coordinator again to find someone different.

This is my first go round with therapy where I entered it voluntarily. I seen many T's as a child, and a few that were ordered as an adult years ago. I never had a choice with the years of it before, my only recourse was to not cooperate. I had to remind myself this time, that I could fire my T. I am more comfortable in that decision after reading this thread.

[susan900]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I don't think a client has to work so hard at dealing with the therapist - especially not this early on. I don't think it has to such a big deal to try out others or just move on. If this guy is not working out, it is not your fault and you get to find another who might work out better. Don't waste time and money if it just does not feel right. I am a big believer in trying out a lot of them. Also - you don't have to explain yourself or apologize.
From what I have seen, one can always go back if you can't find a better one.

Hi Stopdog,, therapy is different here in England.. its paid by the National Health. So now My therapist discharged me this week.. I cant get another therapist rite now.. may have to wait ages.. and what therapist was working on with me (Ocd) is still a problem.. he (the therapist) was getting cross at me lately and frustrated.. i tried my best. And know I hate that I am missing him so much. Best of luck to everyone on their journey through therapy support.

Originally Posted by susan900

Hi Stopdog,, therapy is different here in England.. its paid by the National Health. So now My therapist discharged me this week.. I cant get another therapist rite now.. may have to wait ages.. and what therapist was working on with me (Ocd) is still a problem.. he (the therapist) was getting cross at me lately and frustrated.. i tried my best. And know I hate that I am missing him so much. Best of luck to everyone on their journey through therapy support.

Are you able to go private? Depending on your area you can expect to pay £30-£60 per session. Then you have choice and no time constraints.

Sorry for the OT, growly!

[growlycat]

All dialogue welcome here!

[susan900]

Originally Posted by Echos Myron

Are you able to go private? Depending on your area you can expect to pay £30-£60 per session. Then you have choice and no time constraints.

Sorry for the OT, growly!

Thanks, Echos Myron, I been thinking bout that, but Im not working.. will look in too it though!
Few years ago, I had bad time with feelings for my therapist.. he ignored my calls text... got over it.. now this year in May I had attachment to New therapist.. Now I am hoping he will call me tomorrrow! but he has discharged me, I want to call him. but scared. hope all is well with you. Echos Myron.

I usually know straight away if I can work with someone or not. It only takes one session. I am sorry you are finding it hard with your new t Growly. Sounds as though this relationship is triggering something important for you. He is different from the others but perhaps this could be a good thing if you could earn to tolerate and accept him. I am wondering if his illness is triggering this fear and you want to run away before you get too attached? It might be something you could work on with him, should you decide to stay.

[feralkittymom]

I tend to think that unless there's an immediate positive reaction--and objective reasons to trust that response--that it's best to be rather self-contained and analytical about this decision. I would not think it was productive to get wrapped up in speculations or offer undue considerations to find justification for negative behaviors. The reasons for any behavior don't really matter because understandable or not, those behaviors will still be an impediment to getting what you need. It's all fine to be sympathetic, but that doesn't obligate you to take on a burden that needn't exist. It's a balance between positives and negatives--which is where the analytical perspective comes into play. If the positives significantly outweigh the negatives--especially in the context of pragmatic concerns--then adjustments won't impinge on you. But if not, then I think those negatives will continue to impinge on the experience and eventually limit progress or become an increasing burden.

[kecanoe]

I stuck it out with T3 and am glad I did. But I only stuck it out with her because of her expertise in my fairly rare condition. There was only one other option within an hour drive and I had been warned against him by another t.

It seems like you were feeling like there were not a lot of options in your area either, if I am remembering correctly. Is that part of why you hesitate to just go find someone else?

when i was searching for therapists after mine dumped me, i tried eight of them, one i gave about 8 sessions, one 3 sessions, one about 5 sessions, others one session, and one i walked out after five minutes.

[growlycat]

Originally Posted by kecanoe

I stuck it out with T3 and am glad I did. But I only stuck it out with her because of her expertise in my fairly rare condition. There was only one other option within an hour drive and I had been warned against him by another t.

It seems like you were feeling like there were not a lot of options in your area either, if I am remembering correctly. Is that part of why you hesitate to just go find someone else?

Yes! I was trying to find a male therapist who incorporated some Cbt or dbt into therapy that is either very affordable or takes my insurance who has office hours I can do around my work schedule. And no Christian counsellors.

Believe it or not this wiped out a huge portion of therapists in my area

[BrazenApogee]

I stuck it out with current T even though first session wasn't so great. I was getting away from bad T, who had very bad boundaries among other problems, so I was ok with the feeling of not "fitting" right away. Current T had very good boundaries and was clearly competent on a lot of levels, so I stayed. It has been hard at times, but it is getting better. I think part of the problem is he is a guy, never had a male T before cause I'm afraid of men. So, I see it as an opportunity to work on many problems at once

[ScarletPimpernel]

I tend to know right away if I want to work with a T.

Last time when looking for a T, I contacted one I thought I'd like to work with. But she transferred me to someone else who works for her. That T only lasted 2 sessions. There were too many issues right off the bat. She was judgmental, she was a religious T, she considered herself "motherly", and she gave "side hugs". She was also too close to ex-T.

Then I found current T and I knew she was the one. We had a very rough start: she double booked my first appt, figuring out boundaries was really hard, and she just wasn't listening to me. I actually started T shopping and told her. But I didn't find someone else I liked, and I still felt she was the one for me. So we worked on the relationship, things changed, and I'm happy I stuck it out.

But T says my instant reaction to choosing people isn't the best thing for me. For some reason it's like an attachment radar. She doesn't want me using it in the future. She says that I'm going to develop an attachment no matter what (if I like the person), but using my instinct pretty much equals instant attachment which means over attachment. However, she thinks it will be fine when I meet friends because it's okay to get attached to friends. But with professionals I need to learn healthy boundaries.

So if/when I get another T, I'm supposed to look for one I'm not instantly drawn to. That mean that I probably have to sit and work through the relationship in order to develop that connection. I probably shouldn't quit after just a few sessions. It will be hard, but we'll see.

I still think that instant reactiins can play a big role. If you really don't feel like this is the T for you, if you really feel like there will be no benefit, then don't waste your time on him. However, I would see him one more time to address your concerns. If after you do and you still don't feel it's right, just move on.

[growlycat]

Scarlet thank you for this. There is something to that method of picking a t. I liken it to picking out a puppy or kitten in that you aren't supposed to pick one cowering in the corner or the one that comes boldly running up to you. The one happily in the middle is the best bet. I kind of feel the same about t shopping. I want to feel mildly positive upon meeting them. I worried with Kashi that my initial response was too positive. Now I'm having a strongly negative reaction to being forgotten about. I wish the swings weren't so extreme. Over the years they haven't been with the two other t's do it feels like regression in me

[ruh roh]

You're also going through a major transition right now, with a big move and new job, so you should not be so hard on yourself for wanting so much to find a stabilizing counterpart. That's not regression. That's you trying to steady yourself during an upheaval.