Avoiding the Vacation Discussion

My T is taking vacation and Tuesday will be the last time I see him for 3 weeks. I am dreading the vacation, but I am dreading Tuesday even more. At this point I'd rather not see him at all. I think I am attempting to avoid the pain of the separation by not talking about it. It's so much easier to split myself off so I don't have to feel.

Even at this moment, I am wondering if I want to quit therapy altogether, but my heart tells me that this is an old habit of avoiding pain that I need to get beyond.

Last week, I had a long conversation with him about connection and disconnection and I felt like I couldn't bear the separation between sessions. We talked about my worries that he will disappear. Now, I feel like I don't have anything to say to him when I see him. Am I just protecting myself? How do you handle these conversations about separations? Are they as intense as I feel them? Sigh.

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sister said:

Even at this moment, I am wondering if I want to quit therapy altogether, but my heart tells me that this is an old habit of avoiding pain that I need to get beyond.

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Sister, I know what you mean by this statement. I just went through it earlier this week with my last session.

Don't quit, keep fighting the pain. At least your T tells you in advance so that you have time to think it over. Three weeks is a very long time though.

I've noticed on here that some T's really go away a long time. Mine has only gone about a week at the longest. I don't react much to vacations but canceled sessions is another thing. Thank goodness that has happened lately.

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sister said:
Last week, I had a long conversation with him about connection and disconnection and I felt like I couldn't bear the separation between sessions. We talked about my worries that he will disappear. Now, I feel like I don't have anything to say to him when I see him. Am I just protecting myself? How do you handle these conversations about separations? Are they as intense as I feel them? Sigh.

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Yes they are as intense as you are feeling them. My T and I discussed the pain between sessions many times. I used to get mad at him for saying it is better for us to feel the pain because dependency hurts more than healing.

I'm glad you told him how you feel about it. What did he say in response?

(((sister)))
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sister said:Last week, I had a long conversation with him about connection and disconnection and I felt like I couldn't bear the separation between sessions. We talked about my worries that he will disappear. Now, I feel like I don't have anything to say to him when I see him. Am I just protecting myself?

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sister, it sounds like you had a great conversation with your T last time about the impending separation. You dealt with a lot of your pain then and talked about the connection/disconnection cycle and your abandonment fears. Could it be that maybe you do have nothing more to say to him on this topic? That you dealt with it thoroughly last time and don't need to go over the same feelings again? There is nothing wrong with that. If you feel you have dealt with this topic satisfactorily (sometimes there is no point in revisiting the same subject again and again), then could you go to therapy and talk about something else? If that is impossible (with the separation looming, maybe there is nothing else to say right now), then maybe you actually don't need to see him this week, since you did all the work related to the separation last week? If that is the case, maybe you could just call him for a brief chat and share that idea with him and see what he says.

Another idea would be that if you feel you can simply draw comfort from his presence but have nothing more to say on the separation subject and don't want to start new work, you could ask him some questions and he could talk. I have done that before, and have found that just his telling me stuff is comforting to me and I don't have to do any active work. Like maybe I'll ask about his training and background, or his house search, or the latest artwork he's purchased, or any revisiting of a topic we have touched on before. I take such comfort in my T's presence that just the sound of his voice can be therapeutic, so it really wouldn't matter what he chose to share.

Thanks Almeda & Sunny,

The thing is, I am not just avoiding the pain but I tend to avoid feeling altogether. I go right to the intellectual, because that is where I am most comfortable. It's a way of not feeling anything.

Yes, Sunny, I do have to see him this week. I have other things related to my son's illness that I need to talk through with him. And maybe Sunny, in a way you are right about keeping the other stuff light this time.

I've decided I will talk about the separation but I will make it productive and talk about how I will fill the time we are apart. (My new job, etc.) It's good for me to hear myself say how I will take care of myself, another one of my therapy issues.

So, I have to do this I know it, in my heart.

Thanks friends. I'll let you know how it goes.

Just like Sunny said... keeping it light.

I used to tend to move towards the intellectual in therapy to avoid having to feel. I also felt that since I am going to school to be a T, I should talk with my T like a colleague. Now that I have made the move to in depth talking involving the feeling of emotion, I started to go under the pretense that every session had to be deep

There was one particular session that we had on a Saturday and I wanted to avoid certain topics at all costs because I felt good that weekend and I didn't want to deal with negative emotions. I told this to T, and I also told him how I was torn up about this because I thought at this point we were always "supposed" to be discussing the deep, painful stuff.

T told me that it's okay to keep it light sometimes. We ended up talking about my birds, my baking, etc. I just enjoyed being in his presence. The thing about therapy is that even the most basic process of it can be therapeutic in itself. And even when you do decide to keep it light, stuff does come out. You can make therapy out of anything.

So true Pink, I have kept it light until last session...we'll see how it goes tomorrow. I'm nervous telling him my reactions outside of the 'room'.