So he comes out to the waiting room to get me and he's wearing this horrendous shirt. It has these yellow squares all over it. I was trying not to stare, but I was trying to figure out what they were. I seriously thought they were cheese cubes. A couple of sessions ago he has on this brown and tan tropical number... today the appetizer shirt... Where the %#@&#! is he coming up with these? Normally he doesn't wear prints, but when he does.... he sure gives it his all!

So once I got past the shirt, it was down to business. We connected today. I talked. A lot. And smiled for the first time in weeks.

He begins the session by saying, "I have a question for you. It's just a theoretical question, of course.... If you had a patient with whom you needed to discuss a scheduling issue with, but the patient didn't want to talk about it, what would you do?" I said, "Oh, well... this is only theoretical, right?" Then I told him, "Okok, let's just cut the crap and talk about it." So it goes like this:

Next week I have Tuesday and Friday.
The following week he won't be here.
(I tried to act casual and mature about it but I was already falling apart)
Then he said he thought of an idea that might help. Since I can only come on Fridays from that point on, how about doing an hour and half session each Friday? WHAT?!

Of course I pretended to be casual and mature about this as well and told him I would think about it and let him know next week.

Then we really started to talk about last week's session. And he said more than I had ever heard him say before. He said that last week he felt disconnected, too. That when I had asked him if he was mad at me for SI'ing on my wrist and having suicidal ideation, he had said "no," when in actuality, he really was mad. He said that when he thought about it this week, he realized that just like me, he didn't want to bring those feelings up. He asked if all of this was okay. Then he told me he didn't realize at the time how much the doctor wanting to get me a 2nd opinion would affect me-- that it was another form of abandonment... and that I would soon transfer it onto him. He told me it was a very difficult session for both of us. Then I told him what I wanted so badly to say... "I felt so far away from you and you weren't making it any easier." Then he said that he felt that although it was such a difficult session, that a deeper connection was made possible because of it. That a certain something happened, that wouldn't have occurred if it weren't for that last session.

We talked a lot about how I don't integrate different parts of my personality. How I see myself as parts and not a whole person. I told him how the other night the child was out and I wrote in my journal from the child. I told him I was embarassed to read the things I wrote directly, but I described some of the content. I told him how I was crying for such childish things... I was crying that night because I didn't want to go to work and I wanted to get more sleep... and how it felt like when you are a little child and you don't want to go to school the next day... and how I wished I could stay home the next day and have someone take care of me. He asked me who stayed home with me when I was little. I said.. my mom of course, b/c she didn't work. She was always home." And he said, "Yeah... but was she really home? She wasn't there for you like you wanted. So of course you would want that now." He expressed that he is very interested in exploring more about the inner child.

We talked about a dream I had last week in which I got two letters back from my school in regards to my doctoral application. One letter was from one of my professors who actually wrote me a letter of recommendation. In the dream, she sent me a rejection letter for the doctoral program. The other letter was an acceptance letter from the admissions dept. I had the two letters and didn't know what to do. I told T how this was another representation of my disconnect between two extremes. Then he added something else really interesting. He asked me about the professor. I told him how she was a nice professor... not the best, but for some reason she was the kind of woman I just wanted to hug and hold onto for a long time... and T said, "And in the dream, she rejected you." Wow. I hadn't even thought of that.

And the end of the session he said he wanted me to think about something for Tuesday. He wanted me to think about the Schubert CD he gave me and how that has functioned for me as far as keeping me connected. I had told him how at the piece (it is a four movement string quartet) had been frustrating to me because it was such a difficult piece. I told him today, "The Schubert piece is like me. It's so disconnected and I can't integrate it's parts." He said, "Well I told you I selected this one because it reminded me of you. Not necessarily because of disconnection, but because like you, it has beauty, mystery... all different parts." I almost fell off the %#@&#! chair. Then he said that he also selected it because Schubert composed it during one of the most difficult parts of his own life... and although it was filled with frustration and sadness, there is also so much beauty to it.

I am going to seriously think about and write about the function of Schubert's piece in relation to myself and my connection to T. The music became so frustrating to me because it was so inaccesible. I heard it as disconnected, nothing to latch on to... like me. Different parts that I cannot integrate... like me. T also gave it to me during a time in which I could not latch onto anything... I thought that him giving me this CD would be magical... unfortunately, it was at a time in which I was not able to hold onto anything. And that proved even more frustrating and disappointing. I had been so numb. Two nights ago I cried for the 1st time in a long time. I was able to feel something again. Today in therapy, I felt again. I think it is time to give the Schubert piece another try.

So after he told me the whole thing about the Schubert piece and all that, he said, "You are very insightful." Then he said, "This is one of those times where you know it's the place to end the session, and say no more." I agreed.

And now I wait for Tuesday with possibly something to hold onto this time.

[MyBestKids2]

Sounds like a super session, I envy you that. Wonder which edible shirt he'll wear next week, lol.

Take care,
Dee

[MissCharlotte]

Despite the bad shirt it sounds like the session of a lifetime.

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(I tried to act casual and mature about it but I was already falling apart)

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Oh God, don't you hate it when that happens? Dying inside, brave face outside.

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Of course I pretended to be casual and mature about this as well and told him I would think about it and let him know next week.

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Oh. Yeah, right, like you would turn it down? Mmmmhmmmm



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told him I was embarassed to read the things I wrote directly,

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I had almost this exact conversation with T when I told him about the letters I wrote the last time he was away.

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I am going to seriously think about and write about the function of Schubert's piece in relation to myself and my connection to T.

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This is awesome. Like comparative literature....

If I didn't have T I would want you to be my T.



2 weeks, 3 days till my next appointment

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sister said:
Oh. Yeah, right, like you would turn it down? Mmmmhmmmm

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No %#@&amp;#! way!!! I mean, I was about to jump on him, grab his scheduling book, and just pencil myself in for that hour and half session. But I had to be cool about it, lol. I did discuss, though, how intense and difficult a session that long could be. I told him, "Remember last session? How could I deal with an hour and a half of that?" He said that if I decided on the hour and half sessions, it has to be a set thing... He laughed and said it can't be like, a session is going badly so I decide, "I'm only staying 45 minutes today!"


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If I didn't have T I would want you to be my T.

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Oh, Sister...

[sunrise]

That sounds like a great session, pink! So glad you and your T connected again.

I can relate to the shirts, although cheese cubes is kind of extreme! My T has occasionally worn a white shirt with huge blue flowers on it. It's really loud! And I have a picture of him wearing a bright shirt with pictures of raspberries on it, but he hasn't worn this one to sessions. (Raspberries are my favorite fruit, BTW.)

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Since I can only come on Fridays from that point on, how about doing an hour and half session each Friday?

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Woo hoo!! This sounds great! It shows how your T was thinking about you in your absence, understanding how difficult going from 2 sessions per week to only 1 was going to be for you, and coming up with a solution to give you more time that would still mesh with your schedule. He really is looking out for you and cares about you.

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sunrise said:

I can relate to the shirts, although cheese cubes is kind of extreme! My T has occasionally worn a white shirt with huge blue flowers on it. It's really loud! And I have a picture of him wearing a bright shirt with pictures of raspberries on it, but he hasn't worn this one to sessions. (Raspberries are my favorite fruit, BTW.)

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Well cheese cubes was my interpretation. LOL. I think it was just these weird yellow square-type thingies.

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Woo hoo!! This sounds great! It shows how your T was thinking about you in your absence, understanding how difficult going from 2 sessions per week to only 1 was going to be for you, and coming up with a solution to give you more time that would still mesh with your schedule. He really is looking out for you and cares about you.

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I am a little apprehensive about staying that long. You know, there are some sessions that I wish could last forever... and then there are those in which I imagine an hour and a half would be very difficult to endure.

Of course I am going to say yes.... but I couldn't tell him that right away, LOL. I had to act as though this was something I would have to ponder.

[Perna]

Oh, wow! I just read this and I had to write a history paper on Schubert! Want a couple biographies of him/his time? :-) I wrote on his 8th Symphony, the "Unfinished" one.

This might not bear thinking about but...
He doesn't have a new girlfriend or something who is buying him shirts - does he?

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alexandra_k said:
This might not bear thinking about but...
He doesn't have a new girlfriend or something who is buying him shirts - does he?

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Someone better tell his wife...

I hope he's back to solids tomorrow.

I also miss his glasses. He used to wear glasses.

Maybe he is starting to feel old...
So is making an effort to appear younger...

By wearing cheese cubes?

Alex, I am so interested... I see in another post you said how you were able to tell your therapist that you had the desire for him to hold you.

I have been on the verge of telling my therapist this, but I cannot seem to do it. I want to tell him so badly. How did you do it? How did he receive it? I need some inspiration.

Hmm... If I were you I would say 'Sometimes I have this desire for you to hold me, but then... How can I let someone hold me when it looks like they are wearing cheese cubes???? WTF???' lol. Just kidding around.

Maybe he thinks his shirts are hip and fashionable. Somebody ought to tell him (be gentle he might think they look amazing).

I sent him an email of course. Something along the lines of... 'Sometimes I wish he could hold me. But then I get scared he will put me down somewhere do to other things. But I'll be sleeping instead of being vigilant. And then the danger will be bad'.

We don't really talk about the content of emails. We might a little... But only in the sense of 'wow you really share a lot of yourself in your emails'. I think... That they are too intimate to be talked about truth be told...

He seemed happy that I disclosed it to him. I guess it is a fairly common fantasy. Little kid feelings. He is always really great with those. Really respectful and stuff.

And after that great pronouncement I really did send him a rave... Told him that I am scared to look at him. That I worry I'll cry or that I'll cringe or flinch or that I'll not be able to stop myself jumping into his lap and throwing my arms around his neck or that I'll not be able to stop myself making a sexual advance.

Cringe.
Cringe.
Cringe.

What did he say? Something about how a response probably isn't what is needed.

Er... What does that mean do you think??? That he didn't know how to respond? That he has been reading here and saw me say that it probably is best that we don't talk about emails? He said he was looking forward to seeing me on Friday. I guess... There probably isn't a lot to be said. I think I'll pretend that I don't know what he is talking about if he asks me.

Cringe.

[Perna]

Stop cringing :-) I think the respondents-need-not-respond remark was that you were telling him these fantasies of yours, what you'd "like"/fear but since they were not "real" he didn't need/you didn't want him to respond to them as if they were?

I had a dream after a gazillion years of therapy where I had my head in my therapist's lap and she was stroking my hair and I was able to tell her about it. It's kind of like that I think. "I" am not my dreams but they do tell me about my feelings, desires, fears, etc. and the more I know about me the better able I am to "accept" me, warts and all and know that I can deal with whatever I come up with, that I'm not "weird" or "special" or a descendent of some race left here by aliens long long ago :-) My T did a good job "accepting" what I "produced" LOL but that was just a template for me to learn to accept it also. That you told him your fantasies was "enough" and the whole point. So, a "response" was not necessary.

oh. i didn't think of that. he said something about how yeah, shame was hard. i guess that was the point of the emails, really. to tell him about the shame. about how that was why i wasn't more playful and stuff. but then i got distracted into apologising for not being able to look at him and stuff.

but, yeah. i guess he isn't scared of what i said. that is good. i said something about how i'm scared he will leave me. scared scared scared. cringe cringe. i wonder when those feelings will just stop and i can just be. being in the absence of shame and doubt and fear and terror... old habits die hard. sorry.

Maybe he was just trying to convey that he understood that you are looking for something so much more than words.

I'm not sure what to do today. Should I write it out and then hand it to him? I don't care if he reads things silently in front of me. It's better than me having to say it out loud. Sometimes I sit down and hand him a poem. He reads in front of me, silently. I've come a long way. I used to not even be able to do that.

What should I doooooooooo? This is really want I want to tell him. I want to say:

Sometimes it's too overwhelming to even look at you. Too intense. This is because if I do look at you I feel too strongly and it hurts because I want so badly to just reach out and touch your hand or for you to hug me or hold me. Even when we are connected there is still an enormous amount of space between us. The little kid feelings... the ones that want you to just take care of me and keep me safe... the little kid part, she wants to get a hug from you.



no way no way noway itakeitback!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't say that.

Can I write that?

Oh. I just did.

Can I print it out and give it to him today?